758 lines
32 KiB
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758 lines
32 KiB
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********* *** *** ******
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********* *** *** *** *
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** ********* *******
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** he *** *** umus *** ** eport
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THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
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in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
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Issue 002, Vol I
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March 1988
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copyright (c) 1988
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caren park
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chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
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all rights reserved, and all that other stuff
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============================================================================
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An Introduction Would Be In Order:
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Hello, there, fellow friends of weird. We are very happy to bring
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to you the strangest and most absurd that we can find in a format pleasing
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to the inquiring mind. We will attempt to bring to you items of focus,
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items for the discriminating thought process that some of us have (usually
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after we order a Whopper with anything on it), items with little social
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redeeming value. These are our goals, and we wish you to become a small
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part in this orchestration.
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If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other
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use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will
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take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
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litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
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Report, we'd appreciate it. Our address will be given to you near the end
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of our report. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and
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denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to
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you...
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We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material
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for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us
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to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted
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material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate
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actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel
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appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after
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month...
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We would also appreciate it if you would distribute this newsletter far and
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wide, to the six corners of the world, to the heights and depths your soul can
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reach, the ends of the universe, and even to Encino, California, if you should
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happen to be down there before I... The only restriction I make upon its
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distribution is that NO CHARGE, zero, zilch, nil, none, all of the above, NO
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CHARGE will be made for this newsletter unless I receive 100% of that
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charge... This means, NO CHARGE for diskette distribution, NO CHARGE for
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inclusion with other junk, NO CHARGE for access, etc... As I am insured by
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the Guido and Vittorio Pin-Stripe Violin Case Maker Insurance Company, I hope
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there will be no exceptions...
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I also have a program called CKP-MSG.ARC which contains virtually
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everything you will see here and then some. For a nominal cost per year, I
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will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest
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updates of the datafile to you... address inquiries about this program
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and/or the datafile to the address near the end of our report...
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This show can thank the following people: caren park (chief bottle
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washer and etc), Jeanie Wilson (Sure Signs That You've Hit Bottom), Tim
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Joseph (the Unified Field Theory), the people in charge of the "Today"
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program, and another cast of few... So, without further adieu, on with the
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show...
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============================================================================
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"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
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March, it appears, is the month you will want to have been born in
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if you have an aspirations of becoming a musician or an artist. If you
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weren't, blame your parents. It's all their fault.
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Non-Humus-breeders born during March include Frederic Chopin (01 Mar
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1810), Antonio Vivaldi (04 Mar 1678), Maurice Ravel (07 Mar 1875), Georg
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Philipp Telemann (14 Mar 1681), Albert Einstein (14 Mar 1879), Nat King Cole
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(17 Mar 1919), and Johann Sebastian Bach (21 Mar 1685).
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However, it's Amazing BUT True! March is chock full of people that
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were born during this month, and more than a few of them did their best to
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provide the rest of the world with pure and unadulterated humus. We honor
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these folk for their contributions to the known world of today...
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Prince Henry the Navigator (04 Mar 1394) sponsored Portuguese
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voyages of discovery, which eventually led to Christopher Columbus and
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Little Richard and Ronald Reagan (well, two out of three ain't bad...);
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Karl Ferdinand von Grafe (08 Mar 1787) helped create modern plastic surgery,
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thus breaking ground for what is present-day downtown Beverly Hills, thus
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giving Phyllis Diller something to do on weekends (don't you like doing
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connect-the-dots with history?); Leonard "I am NOT Spock, but they keep
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throwing obscene amounts of money at me so I keep doing it" Nimoy (26 Mar
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1931); and, Vincent van Gogh (30 Mar 1853), the first well-known artist who
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obeyed Marc Antony's admonition to lend an ear... it's not known WHO he
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lent it to, however...
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March events include The Return of the Buzzards to Hinckley Ohio
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(every Ides of March); St Patrick's Day (the chance for all to imbibe well
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beyond their limits), and Evacuation Day (does anyone in Boston know why?)
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on the 17th; The Swallows Make A Mess of San Juan Capistrano on the 19th;
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and, the celebration of life with the first day of Spring AND the start of
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the Persian New Year occur on the 21st...
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Remember when: First Class postage was raised from 8 to 10 cents
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(02 Mar 1974), and from 15 to 18 cents (22 Mar 1981)? Pioneer 10 was
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launched on the 3rd, 1972? Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC) introduced
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the PDP-11 computer on the 13th, 1970?
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Congress creates the Territory of Nevada (02 Mar 1861). Later,
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Congress tries to disappear the State of Nevada with nuclear testing...
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Patrick Henry asks for "Liberty or Death" (23 Mar 1775). He should have
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asked for "Liberty or Something Else"... Cocaine hits the big-time with
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Coca-Cola (29 Mar 1886)... And, 30 Mar 1853 sees a patent granted to Hyman
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Lipman for a pencil with an eraser!
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Oh, yeah. For those of you with signs of insecurity:
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Pisces : Avoid extravagant emotions. You do not fare well in a
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subordinate position. Let your boss out of that closet before you do
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something he'll long regret...
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- caren park, 10 Nov 1985 -
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For what it's worth...
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============================================================================
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"What makes Teflon (r) stick to the pan?"
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============================================================================
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When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation,
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the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before
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she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped
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the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a
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tonsillectomy!"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This test will show you just how "pure" you really are. Hopefully,
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there are more than a few of you that will pass this test.
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Perhaps it should be given to our presidential candidates, and the
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one amongst them who scores the best should be given the job? :)
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--- --- --- --- ---
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PERSONAL PURITY TEST
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Score by counting every "NO" as one point. "MPS" = Member of the
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Preferred Sex. "HSI" = Had Sexual Intercourse. All Sexual activity
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questions must be scored after puberty.
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Have you ever:
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1. had an erection (clitoral or penial)
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2. told a dirty joke to a MPS
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3. had a date
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4. been out on a date past 4am
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5. had a blind date
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6. danced cheek to cheek
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--- ---
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the suction section
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--- ---
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7. kissed a MPS
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8. kissed a MPS in the horizontal position
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9. kissed a MPS within last 3 months
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10. kissed underwater
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11. been french-kissed
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12. kissed a MPS on the thigh
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13. kissed/been kissed by a MPS on the breast
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14. necked
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15. necked for more than 2 hrs continuously
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16. come while necking
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--- ---
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want a piece of candy, little one?
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--- ---
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17. seen a naked MPS over age 15
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18. been seen naked by an MPS after puberty
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19. seen a stripper
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20. read a porno book or magazine
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21. seen a porno movie
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22. committed an act of voyeurism
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--- ---
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you like the candy, little one?
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--- ---
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23. had an alcoholic drink
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24. been drunk
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25. used alcohol to lower MPS's resistance to sex
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26. smoked tobacco
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27. smoked marijuana or hashish
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28. used a stronger drug
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29. been arrested
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30. been convicted of a crime
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temperature rising?
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--- ---
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31. had breasts fondled or fondled breasts of MPS
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32. caressed a MPS's thigh
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33. fondled a MPS's ass
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34. fondled a MPS's genitals
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35. had your genitals fondled
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36. had a clitorial stimulation (co-ed)
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37. had an orgasm due to manipulation by a MPS
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38. gone through motions of sex fully dressed
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39. massaged or been massaged by a MPS
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40. showered, bathed or used a sauna with a MPS
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41. undressed a MPS
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42. been undressed by a MPS
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--- ---
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oh wow...
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--- ---
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43. had sexual intercourse (HSI)
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44. HSI outdoors
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45. HSI more than 10 times
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46. HSI with a virgin
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47. HSI three or more times in one night
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48. HSI in three or more positions
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49. HSI in a car
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50. HSI with two MPS within 24 hours
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51. HSI using a condom
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52. HSI at a drive-in Movie
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53. HSI at the MPS's House
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54. HSI within last 3 months
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55. HSI continuously for 1/2 hour
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uh oh...
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--- ---
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56. had anal intercourse
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57. impregnated a women or been pregnant
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58. arranged or had an abortion
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59. gone on, or been the object of a sex run of over 100 miles
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60. described a sexual experience to a third party
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61. committed incest
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62. attended an orgy
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63. committed statutory rape
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64. committed forcible rape or been forcibly raped
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65. propositioned by a prostitute or a pimp
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66. accepted proposition by a prostitute or pimp
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--- ---
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is that hair on your palms?
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--- ---
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67. engaged in fellatio
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68. engaged in cunnilingus
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69. gone "69"
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70. masturbated
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71. masturbated with another person in room
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72. masturbated to a picture
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73. been caught masturbating
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74. watched another person masturbate
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--- ---
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robertson/falwell hell...
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--- ---
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75. been propositioned by a homosexual
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76. accepted the proposition of a homosexual
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77. been masturbated by a member of the same sex
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78. orally stimulated a member of the same sex
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79. HSI with a homosexual MPS
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--- ---
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mi casa y su casa...
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--- ---
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80. lived in a co-ed room with three or more occupants
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81. committed an "oops" (walking in on people HSI)
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82. been displaced by a MPS staying with roommate for >= 1 night
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83. spent a night in a MPS's room or apartment
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84. slept with a MPS
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--- ---
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living "dangerously"...
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--- ---
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85. golden showered a MPS
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86. wrestled a MPS
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87. had or caused a Wasserman test due to reasonable suspicion
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88. had VD
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89. had passion cramps
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90. fondled a MPS under 13
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91. worn a MPS's clothes
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92. committed bestiality
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93. tasted semen
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94. simulated sex with an inanimate object
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95. played co-ed strip poker
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96. picked up a MPS
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97. had an orgasm in a dream
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98. experimented sexually before puberty
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99. bought contraceptives in a drug store
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100. committed an act of exhibitionism
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And now, the main question is: How did you do?
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Remember: There are no incorrect answers to any of the questions
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posed above. However, a score of more than 85 means you aren't upholding
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your end of the sexual revolution, and may be in need of practice or a new
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set of morals... :)
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Achilles' Biological Findings:
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.1. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks
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like a neighbor, that's environment
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.2. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first ---
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the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster
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============================================================================
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This next piece would be funny, if it weren't almost truth... One
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of our presidential candidates for 1988, the good Senator Albert Gore Jr,
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Democrat for the South, married a lady named Mary Elizabeth, nicknamed
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"Tipper" some time ago; sorry, we were unable to find out why to either of
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your unasked questions. Though she certainly doesn't look like a dog, and
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as of last report, doesn't come when whistled at, her very thoughts were on
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censorship not too long ago, and the following portrays an "artist's
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conception" of those thoughts...
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Tipper Gore's Diary
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SPIN magazine, sometime late 1985
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Dear Diary:
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What a busy day! This morning, I chaired another meeting of the
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Parents Music Resource Center Rock Archives Committee. Keeping sex and
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violence out of records and off videos was just our first goal - that was
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hard enough! Expunging this filth from the very annals of history is really
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a big job!
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Last week, you'll remember, we banned "Work With Me, Annie" by the
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Midnighter, because it has lines like "Annie please don't cheat, give me all
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my meat." We also banned their "Sexy Ways", which has such lines as "Upside
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down, all around/Any old way, just pound, pound, pound." Hard to believe
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the man who wrote these songs also wrote "The Twist" (note to self: review
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Chubby Checker).
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After that we listened to a song the Treniers recorded in 1952
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called "Poon-Tang"! I can't imagine what they thought they were getting
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away with! "I got a yen that I'm dyin' to please till I get weak in the
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knees / Gonna get me that poon-tang! Poon-tang, poon-tang, poon-tang"! How
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were these young men brought up? Of course we banned it. Then we banned
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"Cow Cow Boogie" by Ella Mae Morse, "Drinkin' Wine, Spo-Dee-O-Dee" by Stick
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McGhee, lots of stuff by Big Joe Turner, and this terrible record by the
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Dominos called "Sixty Minute Man" about some goof who boasts he can maintain
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the sex act for an hour. (Isn't that a hoot! Who has the time?)
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Then we banned Jimmy Lloyd's "I Got a Rocket in My Pocket", the
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Invictas' "Do the Hump", Bullmoose Jackson's "Big Ten Inch Record", the
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Versatones' "Tight Skirt, Tight Sweater", the Toppers' "Baby, Let Me Bang
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Your Box", and the Elcords' "Peppermint Stick". That's the song where the
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words, "Peppermint Stick, eat my dick" keep being repeated. It's awful how
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that just sticks in your head.
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We got rid of "Big Legged Woman" by Jerry Lee Lewis and "Can't Get
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Enough of That Stuff" by Julia Lee, which has all sorts of smutty lyrics
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such as "Julia always likes her men and whiskey straight." Then we tossed
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Gene Vincent's "Woman Love", with lines like "I'm lookin' for a woman with a
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one-track mind / A-fuggin' and a-kissin'and a-smoochin' all the time." This
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was on the flip side of "Be-Bop-a-Lula", which is pretty fishy itself. Then
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we banned a bunch of songs by Wanda Jackson, like "Let's Have a Party",
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"Mean, Mean Man", and "Fujiyama Mama", in which she sings, "I been to
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Nagasaki, Hiroshima too / The things I did to them, baby, I can do to you /
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Cause I'm a Fujiyama Mama and I'm about to blow my top / And when I start
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eruptin', ain't nobody gonna make me stop." Somebody said Wanda became a
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born-again Christian. I wonder if the Lord thinks that's enough.
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We started off banning just "Good Golly, Miss Molly","Tutti Frutti",
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and "Long Tall Sally" by Little Richard, but then we figured, the heck with
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it, let's ban everything he did. Similarly, we were just going to ban "Get
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Up, I Feel Like being a Sex Machine" by James Brown, but then we decided
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since he exudes such primal sexual energy, we ought to ban all his stuff.
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On that basis, out went everything by Wilson Pickett and Tina Turner, and on
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one member's heartrending testimony, Bobby Sherman. Then somebody mentioned
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that she heard Joni Mitchell slept around alot, so we chucked all her songs,
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too. All that work left us pretty tuckered out, but we knew we hadn't even
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scratched the surface, so we met bright and early this morning and really
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got to work.
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We banned Lou Christie's "Rhapsody in the Rain" because the BBC
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banned it, and their word is good enough for us. We banned Ray Charles' "I
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Got a Woman" and a bunch of Chuck Berry songs like "Reelin' and Rockin'" and
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"My Ding-a-Ling", and "Wake Up, Little Susie" by the Everly Brothers,
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because we didn't buy their story that they were just sleeping (if you're
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that tired, go to bed. Don't tell me Susie, Phil, and Don all dozed off at
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the same second). We banned the Knack's "Good Girls Don't", Joan Jett's "Do
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You Want to Touch Me", Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls", and Bob Seger's "Night
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Moves." We banned Simon and Garfunkel's "Cecila" because the title
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character engages in casual sex and Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl" because
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the boy and the girl make love behind the stadium.
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We banned "Louie, Louie" by the Kingsmen. Yes, we know that when
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the song came out, the FCC investigated it for obscenity and found it
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"unintelligible at any speed." But that's precisely the problem. Even if
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it's not obscene, it gives the kids a chance to use their imaginations.
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We banned Mark Dinning's "Teen Angel", Ray Peterson's "Tell Laura I
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Love Her", "Last Kiss" by J Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers, and "Leader of
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the Pack" by the Shangri-Las. They represent a cult of romantic violent
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death.
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We banned "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan. I mean, if
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we banned "We're Not Going to Take It" by Twisted Sister, we had to get rid
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of songs that are >really< contemptuous of authority.
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After lunch, we banned Dylan's "Lay, Lady, Lay", Mel and Tim's
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"Backfield in Motion", "Hanky Panky", and "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tommy
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James and the Shondells, Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side", "Will You Still
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Love Me Tomorrow" by the Shirelles, Peter and Gordon's "Lady Godiva", Meat
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Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (this has certainly changed my
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opinion of Phil Rizzutto), "Lola" by the Kinks, and "This Girl Is a Woman
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Now" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. We banned Billy Paul's "Me and Mrs
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Jones" because it glorifies adultery. We banned the Commodore's "Three
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Times A Lady" (imagine that nice Lionel Richie being involved in something
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like that!). We banned Lee Dorsey's "Ride Your Pony" because of the lines
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"Now get on your pony and ride. Now, shoot! Shoot!" Oh, I'd like to rub
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that smirk off that Dorsey man's face!
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We had to ban Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" even though it's good
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aerobicise music.
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We also spent some time on "A Brand New Key" by Melanie. Frankly, I
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didn't see what was wrong with it. Then someone suggested that I should
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think of the key as Albert's p. and that I should think of myself as the
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roller skate, with a little hole where the key goes... well say no more!
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The things these people try to pull!
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We devoted the rest of the day to listening to everything by Aretha
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Franklin, Mitch Ryder, and the Rolling Stones. We had to ban nearly all of
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it. The stuff was either too juvenile or too mature. We had a big debate
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about how bad the phrase "sock it to me" could be, since President Nixon
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said it on Laugh-In. But then someone told us that her college roommate had
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a boyfriend who told her that "sock it to me" was what black men said to
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black women when they wanted to have sex, so we concluded Mr Nixon was just
|
|
trying to win black votes. We discussed "Honky Tonk Women", and whether the
|
|
line was "she blew my nose", which would be OK, or "she blew my hose", which
|
|
would be something very different. We just banned it all.
|
|
|
|
This is exhausting and sordid work, and sometimes I regret having
|
|
taken it on. I would much rather be spending the afternoon at home, tending
|
|
my rosebushes and catering to Albert's big contributors. But I am certain I
|
|
am doing the right thing. Next week we are going to devote our whole
|
|
session to the Captain and Tenille. I feel bad, because they seem like such
|
|
nice people. He wears that funny hat and she sings the National Anthem at
|
|
Dodger games, and looks so wholesome. But they did record "Do That to Me
|
|
One More Time" (you know - "Once is never enough with a man like you").
|
|
We're going to see if we can approve the song by coming up with a "that"
|
|
that would fit the song, and not be the "that" that we really know it is.
|
|
|
|
Until next time,
|
|
T
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Captain Penny's Law:
|
|
|
|
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the
|
|
people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Castrate extremists!
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
Clarke's Third Law:
|
|
|
|
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic
|
|
|
|
G's Third Law:
|
|
|
|
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is
|
|
composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit
|
|
|
|
H's Dictum:
|
|
|
|
There is no magic
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"'Once ze rockets go up, who cares vere zey come down,
|
|
'That's not my department,' says Wernher von Braun"
|
|
|
|
- Tom Lehrer -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Unified Field Theory
|
|
|
|
In the beginning there was Aristotle
|
|
And objects at rest tended to stay at rest,
|
|
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
|
|
And soon everything was at rest,
|
|
And God saw it was boring.
|
|
|
|
Then God created Newton,
|
|
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
|
|
But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
|
|
And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and matter was
|
|
conserved.
|
|
And God saw it was conservative.
|
|
|
|
Then God created Einstein,
|
|
And everything was relative,
|
|
And fast things became short,
|
|
And straight things became curved,
|
|
And the universe was filled with inertial frames,
|
|
And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was
|
|
especially relative.
|
|
|
|
Then God created Bohr,
|
|
And there was the principle,
|
|
And the principle was quantum,
|
|
And all things were quantified,
|
|
But some things were still relative,
|
|
And God saw that it was confusing.
|
|
|
|
Then God was going to create Furgeson,
|
|
And Furgeson would have unified,
|
|
And he would have fielded a theory,
|
|
And all would have been one,
|
|
But it was the seventh day,
|
|
And God rested,
|
|
And objects at rest tend to remain at rest
|
|
|
|
- Tim Joseph -
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
And now, for the news... All of the news this month will be true,
|
|
just as it came off the wire into our editing room. None of the facts have
|
|
been changed to protect the innocent, or anyone else for that matter...
|
|
Behold...
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A House wag from California introduced a bill Friday to create
|
|
"Reagan's Rough Riders," an expeditionary force of volunteers to keep the
|
|
Panama Canal open in case the new treaties are not ratified and hostilities
|
|
break out. The bill, sponsored by Representative John L Burton (D-Cal),
|
|
calls for commissioning former California Governor Ronald Reagan as a
|
|
colonel in the Army and giving him a white horse on which to lead his "Rough
|
|
Riders" into combat. However, if Reagan preferred to remain at headquarters
|
|
in the rear, he would have to supply his own white horse, according to the
|
|
legislation.
|
|
|
|
Burton, a San Franciscan given to flights of whimsy, supports the
|
|
Senate ratification of the new pacts to replace the Panama Canal Treaty of
|
|
1903. The 1903 treaty was signed by then-President Theodore Roosevelt, who
|
|
led the famed charge by "volunteer Rough Riders" up San Juan Hill in Cuba
|
|
during the Spanish-American War. Reagan is a leader of the opposition to
|
|
the new canal treaties being drawn up in both the House and the Senate
|
|
|
|
- Washington Times -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A judge in Leeds, England, ruled that a man would have to pay
|
|
$131.60 in telephone calls charged to his wife. The calls were made by his
|
|
wife's lover from Paris. Collect
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A letter sent c/o the LA Times has been forwarded to Ruth (Spaceship
|
|
Ruthie) Norman, the San Diego-area woman who has bet a London bookmaking
|
|
firm $6,000 against 100-1 odds that a spaceship will land on earth before 30
|
|
September 1977. The letter's return address says "Starship Tad".
|
|
Encouraging news? Well, it was postmarked Orange, California
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
From a NASA letter on procurement policy, page 2 NASAHQ 286 unclas:
|
|
|
|
"The purpose of this message is to provide clarification, on an
|
|
interim basis, to be followed until such time as PRD 70-15 is formally
|
|
revised. Note that this interim guidance on the conduct of discussions is
|
|
not repeat not a change in policy or concept; it is solely clarification,
|
|
and should be so construed. While the clarification is presented in the
|
|
form of a partial revision of PRF70-15, this does not necessarily mean that
|
|
formal revision will follow the same format or composition; but rather it
|
|
is so presented so that it may be read in context with 70-15, which, of
|
|
course, remains effective. The affected part of 70-15 is paragraph iii.
|
|
D(2) covering conduct of discussions in cost-reimbursement type contracts
|
|
and all R & D-type contracts"
|
|
|
|
- 1987 -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The University of New Hampshire at Durham has barred one of its
|
|
students from keeping a boa constrictor in his dormitory room. The student
|
|
said the action is unfair.
|
|
|
|
Thomas Keegan, 22, of Laconia (NH), has owned "Squeeze" for nine
|
|
years. He said the university was discriminating against his snake because
|
|
it permits other animals that live in cages to stay in the dormitories.
|
|
"Snakes, on the basis of noise and smell, adapt perfectly to dorm life,"
|
|
said Keegan. He added that Squeeze could also be kept in a cage, and that
|
|
the six-foot snake would be less likely to spread diseases than gerbils,
|
|
rats, birds and turtles. A zoology professor at the university confirmed
|
|
that most diseases from snakes can't be transmitted to humans.
|
|
|
|
Nevertheless, Keegan said, he was told to remove the snake from the
|
|
dorm. He said he had been keeping Squeeze in a converted TV set with two
|
|
padlocks on it. Keegan also said that he kept the snake locked up to keep
|
|
people from injuring him
|
|
|
|
- March 1978 Redwood Times -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
DEMON COMPUTER
|
|
|
|
Officials of a large bank have called in exorcists to rid a
|
|
possessed computer terminal of the demon that killed two workers and put
|
|
another in a coma.
|
|
|
|
"It sounds absurd and superstitious in these days to talk about
|
|
demonic possession, but we have no other explanation," said Jorge Montalabo,
|
|
vice president of customer relations at the bank in Valparaiso, Chile.
|
|
|
|
"In just five months since the terminal was installed, three
|
|
operators were stricken while at its keyboard.
|
|
|
|
"Our employees refuse to work with it and fear that if the terminal
|
|
is removed the demon inside will slip into the entire computer system."
|
|
|
|
The terminal, consisting of a TV screen and keyboard, was one of 13
|
|
installed in the bank along with a new $7.3 million computer system, said
|
|
Montalabo.
|
|
|
|
Two weeks after she began working with it, Luisa Morello, a 27-year-
|
|
old mother of two, was found sitting before the video screen, her mouth open
|
|
and an empty look in her eyes. She was rushed to a hospital where she
|
|
remains --- in a brain-dead coma, said Montalabo.
|
|
|
|
Two other women also worked with the terminal. Each was found by
|
|
co-workers slumped over the keyboard --- dead. Doctors said the first died
|
|
of a massive stroke.
|
|
|
|
No one knows what killed the other, a 22-year-old girl with no
|
|
medical problems. Baffled doctors who performed an autopsy labeled her
|
|
death as due to "mysterious circumstances," he said.
|
|
|
|
"At first, we decided to just remove the terminal," said Montalabo.
|
|
"But the workman who came to carry it away fainted when he tried to unplug
|
|
it from the system.
|
|
|
|
"Luckily, he revived a few minutes later. But our employees began
|
|
calling the terminal cursed by the devil and possessed. A spokesman for the
|
|
workers said they will all quit unless holy men are brought in to vanquish
|
|
the evil within the device."
|
|
|
|
Montalabo said the bank has sent for three Inca spirit-breakers who
|
|
live high in the Andes, 200 miles from the city. Meanwhile, the terminal
|
|
has been cordoned off and the terrified bank workers give it a wide berth.
|
|
|
|
"If the exorcism doesn't work and someone else dies while using the
|
|
terminal, we'll have to scrap all of our computers and spend millions
|
|
getting a new system," said Montalabo.
|
|
|
|
"Otherwise, no one will work here"
|
|
|
|
- 03 March 1987 Weekly World News -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Alma, Arkansas, the self-proclaimed spinach capital of the world, is
|
|
preparing for its first festival celebrating the leafy green stuff that made
|
|
Popeye great.
|
|
|
|
An 8-foot statue of Popeye the Sailor will be unveiled and dedicated
|
|
in time for the city's May 16-18 Spinach Festival
|
|
|
|
- 21 March 1987 Seattle Times -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Cartoon in the Wall Street Journal: Nurse holding phone, to doctor:
|
|
"It's a nostalgia buff. He wants to know if you make house calls"
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that man
|
|
does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with
|
|
these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than I, "I am
|
|
non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts
|
|
and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think?
|
|
|
|
If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here,
|
|
and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your
|
|
non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to:
|
|
|
|
caren park
|
|
2557 Fourteenth Avenue West
|
|
Suite 501
|
|
Seattle, Washington 98119
|
|
|
|
(01 January 1992)
|
|
|
|
We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for
|
|
our survival...
|
|
|
|
Our next issue will be out near the end of the second week in
|
|
March, and we'll cover Holy Sperm and ask your advise on the "Best of",
|
|
listen to an excellent bit of radio with KGFO-AM & FM, and we'll throw in
|
|
several other items of merit, just for good measure...
|
|
|
|
We leave you now with a few thoughts...
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Sure Signs That You've Hit Rock Bottom
|
|
|
|
The cat prefers living with your next-door neighbor
|
|
|
|
There's another woman, when >you're< the other woman
|
|
|
|
Your psychiatrist asks you to find another doctor --- you depress
|
|
him too much
|
|
|
|
You spend Saturday night watching a Love Boat rerun while sifting
|
|
through a box of Raisin Bran for the raisins
|
|
|
|
- Jeanie Wilson, Cosmopolitan October 1987 (p322) -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
|
|
tobacco in between
|
|
|
|
|
|
...until next month...
|