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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S* $$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$ #24: Bottom-feeding Scumsuckers for "Xuxa" $$$$$$$$$$$
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption PO Box 30904 Raleigh, NC 27622
NEWS since the last time:
Congrats go out to HOWARD STERN for his New Year's Eve show. Besides being
one of the most vulgar, gross, and crude presentations ever on tv, it
also MADE MORE MONEY THAN ANY PAY-PER-VIEW SPECIAL IN HISTORY!!! Prudish
critics can stick that straight up their asses and twist on it. Just for
this, Howard is very high on the list of suggested Short Duration Personal
Saviors for 1994. He should be on TV every day. Where else can you see
naked lesbians pouring maggots down their throats?
HOUR OF SLACK STATIONS
KNON, Dallas/Ft. Worth; 89.3 FM: Sundays at 9:00 pm.
KZSU, Stanford, CA; 90.1 FM: Midnight on Sundays
WFMU, East Orange, NJ; 91.1 FM: Sundays at 11:30 pm.
WZRD, Chicago, IL; 88.3 FM: 9 pm on Mondays.
WCSB, Cleveland State Univ., OH; 89.3 FM: 9pm Sundays.
WITR, Rochester, NY; 89.7 FM: Mondays 11:00 pm.
WARG, Summit, IL; 88.9 FM: Fridays at 7:00 pm.
WREK, Atlanta, GA; 91.1 FM; Saturdays at midnight.
WORT, Madison, WI; 89.9 FM; (call for times)
CJAM, U. of Windsor, Canada (reaches Detroit)
91.5 FM 6 pm on Mondays
KPFT, Houston, TX; 90.1 FM (call for time)
WUOG, Athens, GA; 90.5 FM: Fridays at 6:30 pm.
And of course the KPFA show in Berkeley, CA with Dr. Howl
and Puzzling Evidence, 94.1 FM: 4:30 am Saturdays.
[cool
graphics Branch Dobbsidians
in M0524 Jester Center
text 101 E. 21st St.
version Austin, Texas 78705-5695
only] email: lizardo@tic.com
Send $1 for random cool stuff of our choice.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Sacrificial Offerings to the Omnipotent PO Box
Coffee Grounds #3 - This zine tells the story of Chris' experience living in
Czechoslovakia as an English language teacher, with sleazy rooming houses,
bars, and the quest for female companionship in a strange land. Plus, some
zines listed, movies by Don, and a neat, if unreadable, Czech comic. Not as
wild and intense as some personal zines, but it almost makes you feel that
you were there. Chris Becker, 516 McMorran Blvd, Port Huron, MI 48027-9447
Eat or Die - official zine of the Church of the Rewired Savior. Many multiple
pages of bulldada collages, klan dna kanji, and assorted strangeness. Plus,
this one has the cat comic "the 9 lives of Birdie", an the Sermon to the
Downwardly Mobile. Peace, Love, and Militant Paranoia. send $2 to:
P. Santo, 230 Avenue B, Apartment 4, Bayonne, NJ 07002
Spare R.I.B.S. #6 - Libertarian/freedom-oriented zine with lots of hard-
hitting articles on the state of societal decay, and the heavy hand of an
increasingly paternalistic government in it. This issue has transcripts of
the Gene Burns show with Geoffrey Fieger, the lawyer for Jack Kevorkian, how
the government controls the media, as well as the debate over violence in TV,
movies, Beavis & Butthead, and other media. Lots more. There is no cost for
this, but contributions of material and money are welcome. Write to:
David Kennerly, 2329 Glascock St., Raleigh, NC 27610
Stay Free! - Interviews, book/record reviews, and articles from the always-
present but only recently popular underground. Interview with Gina Arnold on
how the Sub Pop movement has subverted the mainstream with Nirvana as the
crowning achievement, Also the Spinanes, Mekons, Half Japanese, plus lots of
other commentary and meaningful silliness. Write to: PO Box 702, Chapel HIll
NC 27514 or e-mail: cpalmati@email.unc.edu
Trash #13 - Lurid details of the year 1993 in detail, tons of record reviews,
miscellaneous columns and the great full-page comics, T-Square, and Mickey
Death. All the info you need on the Carrboro/Chapel Hill scene. 6 issues for
$7. 405 E. Main St. Carrboro, NC 27510 (919) 968-8482
Wiener Hut #4 - Local Raleigh zine with tons of great tips for places to eat
and shop for those without tons of cash. Scathing analysis of Rush Limbaugh,
reviews of street bible tracts, and reviews of lots of zines in the Raleigh
area that even I haven't heard of. What this zine may lack in production
value (much of it is handwritten), it more than makes up for in content. Too
bad there's no address or name anywhere on it, but get it at Reader's Corner.
<<<TONS O'THANKS for the neat Entropy Acrobats t-shirt from GAK!!! >>>>
[Entropy Acrobats artwork here if only you had the print version]
$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$
Pat Robertson's Recommended Comics:
***** Cherry #15 - On a trip into the countryside, our favorite slut Cherry
encounters hillbillies, Bigfoot, biker/4x4 gangs, reclusive cults, pot farmers,
and yuppie retreats. The sex and parties roll as they all get together. Plus,
Cherry and Ellie travel back millions of years and find intelligent and
civilized dinosaurs, who they save from extinction with sexual time-travel
devices and UFOs. Kitchen Sink Press
** Plus, Larry Welz has started the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, to help
** stores that get busted for selling adult comics. Check this out by
** writing to: CBLDF, PO Box 693, Northampton, MA 01061
**** Demi the Demoness #2 - Continuing D&D/fantasy/x-rated adventure with
Demi. In this one, she uses her sexual powers to escape attacks by spud
creatures, only to end up captured by demons. This is as explicit as any
other comic I've ever seen, with an actual story to it. Rip Off Press.
**** Eightball #12 - More great short stories by Daniel Clowes. Another
episode of "Ghost World", plus the origins of Dan Pussey and others.
Fantagraphic Books 7563 Lake City Way NE, Seattle WA 98115
*** Hate #14 - More adventures in the life of Buddy Bradley, in this one he
attends a dinner party with an ex-girlfriend and her "friends". Bagge
perfectly captures the essense of so many contemptible people in real life-
almost too realistically. Plus, Leonard in "Stinky Does Gotham". Fantagraphic
*** H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu: The Festival part 1 - Necronomicons, strange
family curses, strange ancient New England towns, cults, and monsters are all
part of this quite good story based on the classic Cthulhu cult. Plus, this
one has Herbert West, the Reanimator. Millenium Publications.
*** Itchy & Scratchy #1 - This is the meta-comedy cartoon show that has
appeared on the Simpsons a few times, and is pretty much the logical end
conclusion of violent, gory comics. The comic is faithful to the tastelessness
of the tv show. Bongo Comics 1999 Ave. of the Stars, LA, CA 90067
** Negative Burn #5 - This issue is a bit more esoteric and artsy than the
others. Still interesting, but a quick read. Best stories are Sojourn, with
the infinite-universes theme, and Mr. Mamoulian. Caliber Press.
*** Post Brothers #34 - Since Ron Post killed all the lawyers in Bugtown in
issue #32, Russell Post hires the single remaining lawyer, and sues Big Al on
behalf of all his tenants. Russell then takes over as the ultimate slumlord
of all Bugtown. Meanwhile, Jerri erases all of Russell's tapes and continues
her revenge. Russell goes nuts and blames Boche, invades Narcosis Labs, and
has a fight with Cthulhu. Lots of action. Rip Off Press.
**** Ren & Stimpy #15 - For a change, a good story with lots of in-jokes.
Ren finds out that not only is he on Santa's "naughty" list, but that Santa
sees everything with his world-wide surveillance network. Ren & Stimpy break
into Santa's castle, steal all his records, and Ren uses them to blackmail
everyone, even Santa himself. Marvel Comics
*** Ren & Stimpy #16 - Ren & Stimpy find Elvis and lure him back to their
trailer, but he eats everything and leaves before the media arrives. Ren,
wanting to cash in it, forces Stimpy to impersonate Elvis and resume his
career. Also, R&S as ambulance drivers rescuing injured pizza. Marvel Comics
*** Whot Not #2 - Demented, cynical comics take a hard look at American society
in all its hypocritical glory. Or, just plain strange and gross for its own
sake. Obvious SubG influence. Fantagraphics Books.
Call: They Might Be Giants' Dial-a-Song number, (718)963-6962.
$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$
A SubGenius Story
By Derek Milhous Zumsteg
<milhous@u.washington.edu>
With Bob gone, things were better for those of us that worked in
Puzzling Evidence- more conspiracies meant more work, more overtime and
more personnel, which helped us create more conspiracy and puzzling
evidence. Wheels within wheels within wheels.
Puzzling Evidence had been turned into a shell, as was popularly
believed, but this was only one of Stang's little inspirations- while the
Langely fools hunted in vain for Bob's death commandoes, the "Fingers of
Death," operating somewhere in Texas, the real Puzzling Evidence had
reemerged, rebuilt, stronger than ever, with the most important mission we
could ever be given-
The Ressurection.
The Bob we offered initially as the "Re-Erected Bob" was, in fact,
nothing more than a zombie, using technology that would later net us all
fortunes when we invented the FunDroids line of robots. But back then, in
the dark ages of Republican Attorney Generals, we had to come up with a
stop gap measure to hold together the troops until the truth could emerge.
But while too many SubGenius regulars commented that he kept telling the
same jokes and seemed strangely out of it, no one caught on, mostly
because Bob had done the same thing alive. At the same time, the work on a
real, authentic Bob continued in secret inside Tucson, Arizona.
Twelve levels below a inconspicuous travel agency where we took our rare
breaks by booking redneck couples on honeymoons on the African Sahara,
Bob's shattered form had lain, supported by the best medical equipment we
could buy, steal, build and find on the highway median. Hit by !M%
bullets, fired by at least (#X%) gunmen, the best medical personnel in the
world had saved what they could and stabilized the corpse's deterioration.
The Re-Erected Bob had been let loose on the world, but our work had only
begun.
The complex was filled with Cray supercomputers, geneticists and scrawny
college computer engineers, working non-stop to clone enough new tissue to
allow reconstruction and eventually cloning of True Bobs on the brink of
X-day, when the world would need him most.
But Bob's DNA was far too hard to reconstruct, having structures beyond
our comprehension- I heard one tech muttering "triple eyes, triple helix".
We were forced to construct the tissue from scratch, attempting to
rebuild what we hoped could serve as a stop-gap until Bob's incredible
slack, contained even in shadows of his DNA and that which aspired to copy
it, would slowly allow us to make discoveries that, in turn, would help us
in our quest to better copies of the fragments we held on to.
While the Yetis had been more than cooperative, the human side had
proved much more difficult. So far, besides various slightly decomposed
corpses, I'd seen the likes of David Byrne, Noam Chomsky, Timothy Leary
(there was some fucked-up DNA), Mike Horovitz, Stanley Kubrick, Will Clark
and Long Dong Silver.
I'd already killed twice, in Utah, when a Mormon field trip stumbled
onto our trap to catch John Cleese skiing.
This was just my summer job.
But when, on a 110-degree July day, G. Gordon Gordon called me from
corporate, I knew it had all been nothing.
"Is this Joseph Conrad Miller?" he asked, in gruff tones.
"It is," I replied, "at your service."
"Yeah, yeah," he said. "The techs tell me it's almost all ready to go,
that right?"
I had heard rumors. "Certainly is," I lied with pride.
"I've got the report in front of me, Joe, don't bullshit around. 'While
the DNA cloning is now within reach, computer simulations indicate that
while Bob-2 would be brilliant in every sense of the word, retain his
humor and be incredibly well-endowed, he would lack the total and plain
ignorance that allows him to manipulate the Luck Plane with such
adeptness.' What's that mean to you, Joe?"
I hesitated. "We need to clone a real idiot."
"Not a real idiot," Gordon said. "A real Fool. Don't fail us on this
one." And he hung up.
"Yessir, rightawaysir, Iunderstandsir," I said to the dial tone. "He
will? Thank you very much, sir. Yessir."
I turned to the informal supervisor of my section. "Gordon says you're
to issue me and my guys two weeks of paid vacation time and your best
drugs after this mission. We have to go sample a true Fool."
He arched an eyebrow and nodded, his Frop-fried eyes hazy and distant.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll do that," he said.
My little four-man (and woman) team sat around our own round table,
trying to plan our next mission. But before the planning, we had to figure
out what exactly we were after.
"I vote for fratboys," Hardy said, smiling her white smile. "Fratboys
are the ultimate fools."
"No, no," Teller, our tech, replied, his Beta-Omega-Beta tatoo probably
burning white under his T-shirt. "BOB is a good frat."
"Present company excepted," Hardy said.
"I think fratboys are idiots, not fools," Paul said. "I think we need to
find someone who, despite all the evidence available to them, holds to
ridiculous ideas and makes fun of those who do not, picking on physical
flaws and appearances."
There were general sounds of agreement around the table.
"Sounds like you've got someone in mind," I said.
"Someone who loves his own image almost as much as Bob enjoys his own."
"Are there any? I personally saw Bob ask a Kinko's to make a full
million copies of his mimeographed head he could air-drop on Guadalahara,"
Hardy said.
"Yeah, there is," Paul said, smiling. "Who prints books with his head on
them, millions of them, who must always have his face somewhere on camera,
who uses stacks of his book as background for a television show."
"I'll be Dobbs," Teller muttered. "That should take of the vanity genes,
too."
"No, he's fat," Paul replied.
"But is he a Fool?" I asked, finally.
"He is a total Fool," Paul said.
We didn't fit in well with the rest of the television audience, who were
in ill-fitting suits and dresses, white and scared of being in the part of
town where shows got taped. Four relaxed, multi-ethnic college kids
wearing Armeni suits and electric Dobbs ties didn't fit in well, but we
got past the guard easy enough.
Before we could move, however, we had to sit through the show itself.
If you have watched Rush Limbaugh, if you have heard Rush Limbaugh, if
you have heard rumors, you can begin to understand what we went through.
The studio, filled with refugees straight from the 1980s and political
philosophy from the Paleozoic, was humid and oppressive.
Overall, there was a smell of pork.
Our plan, orignally, was to wait until the first commercial break and
leave, taking a wrong turn on the way to the bathrooms and lying in wait
for the big man himself.
It didn't work that well. Immediately after his first bit, ridiculing
various women in business and their tailors, he turned to the audience and
spotted Vasquez.
He smiled at her. During the commercial break, he walked over.
"Nice to see a Latino woman here," he said. "Don't see many minorities
with us. Maybe you'd like to come by after the show and talk about it?"
She hesitated, the loyalty to work and self wrestling for dominance.
Self won in two quick falls.
"Maybe you'd like me to split you from your ass to your appetite?" she
said, smiling sweetly.
"Guards!" he yelled, clapping, suddenly not so confident and not so
cool.
"Rock and roll," Vasquez yelled, pulling her heat at point-blank range
and aiming at Rush's impossibly shiny shoes. "Dance, fat boy!" she
sneered, and stared to fire at alternate feet.
The guards rushed us, pulling their own rods. Before we could react,
though, they were trampled to death by the frightened herds of Pinks.
Vasquez ran out of ammo and fun as the last trophy wife clicked out of the
room on high-heels.
"Time to go for a ride, Rush," Vasquez said, hustling him out the back,
and smiled the most evil and sadistic smile I have ever witnessed in my
life.
We kept him tied to a chair, with a bare lightbulb above him, suit
intact, in a abandoned room in a low-income housing project.
"What do you people want?" he asked us, sneering. "Money? I've got it.
Cars? No problem. What're you after?"
"We'll have none of your False Slack," I said. His face widened.
"You're SubGenius!" he exclaimed, and then caught himself.
"Oh, you know of us?" Paul asked him from behind. "Maybe you know too
much."
The fat man's brow was begining to shine with beaded sweat ever so
slightly.
"What do you know about us," I sneered back at him. "Or, rather, what do
you think you know?"
"You worship some Bob guy and don't make much sense," he said, too
quickly.
"He's lying," Hardy said from the wall she leans against.
"Lemme rip his balls off," Vasquez pleaded from the corner.
"What else are you involved with, Rush?" I asked, very slowly.
"My work is my life," he said. "That's all I'm involved with."
"What about that blonde kid you're seeing," Paul asks innocently.
"You're not involved with him?"
His sweaty face went suddenly and totally sheet-white.
"What? WHAT?" he screamed, figiting violently, threating to knock the
chair over. "Lies! Lies! Lies spread by my enemies!"
"Tell us about what else you do, Rush," Paul said. "Or 'Michael' might
have an unfortunate accident."
"Yeah!" Vasquez said with obvious enthusiasm. "I'd like that."
"Idon'tknowanythingItellyounothing oh god oh god oh god oh god I don't
know anything about the remote controlled guns or the SWAT team or the
Navajo Indians behind the curtain I was out of the loop it wasn't me Bill
Casey told me to do it what could I do he had my file and then I found out
Michael was CIA and what was I going to do I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL BOB!!!"
he screamed, and broke down, sobbing.
"It's all right," Paul said, putting his hand on Rush's shoulder.
"No, no it's not," he sobbed. "Bob was always so much more popular than
me... he taught me that political philosophy was just another sales pitch.
How could I betray that after the success I've had? Oh god oh god oh
god..."
"I say we kill him," Vasquez muttered, fingering her BobBlade (tm).
"Shhhhh.." we said.
"oh god, oh god," he sobbed endlessly, and we left him there.
When we returned, he was asleep.
"He looks like a little angel," Hardy said, sarcasm dripping off her
lips.
"Ugh," I said, walking around to the back of the chair.
With unexpected savagry, I pounded the syringe straight into his
posterior. He awoke with a howl, and I began to draw, as slowly as I could
manage, a liberal sample.
There was a far-off bang and a clatter of boots.
"The Con!" Vasquez yelled from the hall over the screaming. "Let's go!"
I pulled the syringe out, dropped the needle in his lap as a momento and
dashed into the hallway.
From the far left, a door crashed down and black vest-clad cops poured
in, two-abreast, yelling "Stop! Search Warrant!". We turned as one,
sprinting away. Far ahead, a door disintegrated and trenchcoat-wearing
G-men flooded the hall. "Freeze!" they yelled at once. "Federal Agents."
We stopped.
"Well, this is it," Vasquez said, reaching for her gun.
"Don't," Paul said, knocking on the door he was leaning on.
"Who is it?" came the distant voice.
"Uhhh... Avon calling!" Paul said, inspired.
"Just a second." Feet shuffled. To our sides, the Con was creeping in on
us."
A latch opened, and a crack of light appeared. Hardy gave her best
smile.
The door opened. We ran in, almost knocking the wind out of the poor
woman, and closing the door behind us.
I peeled five twenties off my roll and pressed them into her hand as we
went past, anticipating the inevitable property damage.
"Open up! Police!" came the yell.
"and Federal Agents!" was the second as we covered the distance to the
window.
"We've got a warrant!" the first added.
"And guns!" the second topped.
"And bullet-proof vests? Do have vests?" the first one yelled, louder.
"We don't need vests like you Ken and Barbie Playskool (tm) cops, punk!"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!"
As we opened the living room window, there were sounds of scuffling and
as we assembled on the ledge, skulls a'crackin'.
We looked down eight floors.
"We could survive," Paul said.
There were gunshots from the hall.
"People with badges!" came the cry.
"Jump!" I cried and no one moved. "Jump or.." I said, failing for words.
"..or what?" Vasquez asked, quizzicly.
"OR KILL ME!!" I yelled, and plunged eight floors
into-
confetti. My vision was blinded by the dust and in the three rapid
thumps I heard around me scraps of paper flew everywhere, snowing little
clumps of information.
Coughing hard, I clawed my way to the top of the pile. Behind us was a
huge cloud of paper-dust, in which cops crashed and sirens bwooped and
stopped. We had gotten away clean.
Vasquez looked over the side of the bin.
"Hey, this is a StangShredder (c) truck," she said. "All this is
shredded SubGenius documents going to be recycled."
"How lucky," Paul murmered.
"Hey, with Bob on your side, there's no such thing as 'luck'," I said,
and smiled.
Later, as we flew back to Arizona as two husband-wife couples, Hardy
nudged me from sleep and asked me her nagging question.
"Joe, you know spinal tissue is ideal for cloning. Why'd you do...that?"
she finished with obvious distaste.
"Because," I said, "job satisfaction is a factor, too."
And I dreamed of flying frop plants and hummingbirds with little pipes
and gleaming eyes, Bob's true return all the more imminent.
$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$
NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE
NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE
NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE
NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE
NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE
I'm a young independent producer living in LA.
I'm searching for underground film/video directors for various
projects I'm pitching around town.
I'm interested in: pagan, eco, leftist, anarchy, politics, lifestyles,
scams, punks, collecting, technology, queer, libertarian, fringe, info,
outlaw, how to, peace, sex, art, obsessions, news, travel, work, food,
paranoia, eccentrics, underground celebrities, fashion, situationism,
true crime, vintage revival, pranks, and anything else.
I'm especially interested in people who document themselves, their
obsessions, and the scenes around them.
People interested should send a sample reel, a short bio, a current photo
of themselves, and 1-5 one page proposals for projects under 3 minutes.
I'm looking for autobiographical documentaries, story telling, dramatic
recreations, interviews, histories, philosophies, debates, rants, shout outs,
gossip, reviews, lectures Etc..
I'm also looking for underground comic book artists to send me 1-5 proposals
for animation clips under 3 minutes. I'm looking for funny, stylized, silly,
sick and twisted, political, drugged out, strange, sexual, surreal, queer,
hipster, and occult material. Artists should send me scripts, story boards,
a larger sample of the work they do, and character sketches. Send color XL
copies if possible, cause that'll help my presentations.
If any directors have done videos for underground bands Etc. that they're
proud of, I'm definitely interested in looking at their reel.
The last but not least type of director I'm looking for is one who specializes
in performance poetry, and poetry videos. They should send a sample reel,
short bio, photo, and 1-5 one page proposals.
Please tell anybody that you know to submit before Jan. if they can. I've got
several meetings set up with MTV development executives, and producers at that
time. Wish me luck.
None of these submissions will be returned because I will keep them on file
to pitch them in different combinations, and as part of different projects.
Josh Darlington
(818) 794-5274
3994 N. Fair Oaks Ave.
Altadena, CA 91001
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and
germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has
ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (consus) rate of 3.5
children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
least one good child in each.
3) Santa had 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to
say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th
of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and
move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are
evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but
for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 & 1/2 million miles, not counting
stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times
the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle
on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the
sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull
TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four
times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the some fashion as spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb
14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will
burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them,
and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will
be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be
subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A
240-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-
Seen in "The Sydney Morning Herald", Sat., January 4 1992 "Column 8" section:
"The Japanese seem to have got the Christmas message mixed up.
Steve McKenna of Glebe (suburb of Sydney, Aust.) reports that in one
Tokyo department store Santa Claus is nailed to the cross."
$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$
C O N V E N T I O N S
January 14-16, 1994 (California, Northern)
MAKING ORBIT '94. Dunfey Hotel, San Mateo CA; rms $70. Guests: Larry
Niven, Poul & Karen Anderson, more. Emphasis: Space development. Memb:
$50. Info: Making Orbit '94, 4009 Everett Ave., Oakland CA 94602.
January 14-16, 1994 (Tennessee)
CHATTACON XIX. Read House Hotel, Chattanooga, TN. GoH: Terry Pratchett,
Dean Ing; AGoH: TBA; TM: Wendy Webb. Memb: $30. Write: Chattacon 19,
Box 23908, Chattanooga, TN 37422-3908, (404)578-8461; email:
71672.1416@compuserve.com, m.dillson@genie.geis.com.
January 14-16, 1994 (Washington)
RUSTYCON 11. Radisson - Quality Inn, Seattle, WA. GoH: Bjo Trimble;
AGoH: Bob Eggleton; FGoHs: Klingon Diplomatic Corps. Memb: $35. Info:
Rustycon 11, Box 84291, Seattle WA 98124-5591.
January 15-16, 1994 (California, Southern)
SAN DIEGO BOOK FAIR. Town&Country Hotel, San Diego CA. Guests: Chelsea
Quinn Yarbro, Alicia Austin, Real Musgrave, more. Memb: $5. Info:
Wahrenbrock's Book House; (619)232-0132.
January 21-23, 1994 (California, Southern)
CONFURENCE V. Airporter Garden Hotel, 18700 MacArthur Blvd., Irvine,
CA; (800) 854-3012; rms $55. GoH: A.C. Crispin; AGoHs: Alicia Austin,
Terrie Smith. Theme: Anthropomorphic sf. Memb: $25 until 1/15/94, $30
after; $10 supporting. Info: ConFurence, Box 1958, Garden Grove CA
92642-1958; (714) 530-4993; email: sylys@netcom.com.
January 21-23, 1994 (Massachusetts)
ARISIA '94. Boston Park Plaza Hotel, 64 Arlington St., Boston, MA
02116-3912; rms $75 sngl/dbl, $85 tpl, $95 quad. GoHs: Spider & Jeanne
Robinson; AGoH: Michael Whelan; FGoH: David Kyle. Memb: $40. Info:
Arisia 5, 1 Kendall Square, Suite 322, Cambridge, MA 02139; (617)
364-1576 (BBS); email: arisia@asylum.sf.ca.us.
January 21-23, 1994 (Michigan)
CONFUSION XX. Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza, 8000 Merriman Road, Romulus,
MI; (313)729-2600; rms $69. GoH: Joan D. Vinge; AGoH: Erin McKee; FGoH:
Leah Zeldes Smith; TM: Andrew Offutt; SGoHs: Illuminatus, Ro Nagey.
XX-rated ConFusion Masquerade Ball, Alternative Video Room, Amiga Room,
Computer Room, Filking, Art Show, Panels, Banquet, more. Memb: $25
(Children under 12 - free). Info: ConFusion, Box 8284, Ann Arbor, MI
48107.
January 28-30, 1994 (Florida)
VULKON. Hilton & Towers, 333 First St. South, St. Petersburg, FL; (813)
894-5000. Guests: Rene Auberjonois. Star Trek convention. Info:
Vulkon, c/o Joe Motes, 12237 SW 50th St., Cooper City, FL 33330;
(305)434-6060.
January 28-30, 1994 (England)
STARBASE. Hilton Hotel, Leeds UK. GoH: George Takei. Memb: L35 in
advance. Info: 152 Otley Rd., Headingley, Leeds, LS16 5JX UK.
February 4-6, 1994 (Indiana)
CONFABULATIOON 6. Stonehenge Lodge, Bedford IN; rms $50. GoH: Judith
Tarr; FGoH: Bill Levy; Filk GoH: Renee Alper. Memb: $22. Info:
ConFabulation 6, Box 443, Bloomington IN 47402.
February 4-6, 1994 (England)
VIBRAPHONE. Oak Hotel, Brighton UK. Filk convention. Memb: L27.
Info: 2 Duncan Gate, London Rd., Bromley, BR1 3SG UK.
February 10-13, 1994 (Illinois)
CAPRICON XIV. Wyndham Hamilton Hotel, 400 park Boulevard, Itasca IL
60143; (708)773-4000; rms $69. GoH: Connie Willis; FGoH: David
Dyer-Bennett; AGoH: Mary Lynn Skirvin. Memb: $30 until 1/15/94, $40
after. Info: Capricon, Box 60085, Chicago IL 60660; email:
karenb@well.sf.ca.us.
February 11-13, 1994 (Ohio)
CONNECT-A-CON. Holiday Inn Southwyck, 2429 S. Reynolds Rd. Toledo OH
43614. GoHs: Geoffrey Landis, Dave Ivey, Jim Overmyer. Memb: $20 until
1/31/94, $25 after. Info: email: s.shannonm.b@genie.geis.com.
February 11-13, 1994 (Washington)
POTLATCH III. University Plaza Hotel, Seattle, WA. Theme: small
literary convention. Memb: $30; $10 supporting. Info: Potlatch III, PO
Box 31848, Seattle, WA 98103-1848; (206)634-3828.
February 12-14, 1994 (Ohio)
CONNECT-A-CON. Southwyck Holiday Inn, 2429 South Reynolds Rd., Toledo,
Ohio 43614; (419) 381-8765; rms $59 sngl, $63 dbl/tpl/quad. GoH;
Geoffrey Landis; AGoH: Dave Ivey. Memb: $15 until 1/31/1994, $20 until
2/12/94, $25 after. Info: email: s.shannonm.b@genie.geis.com.
February 12-13, 1994 (Washington)
NEUROCON '94. CANCELLED.
February 13-16, 1994 (Utah)
LIFE, THE UNIVERSE & EVERYTHING XII. Brigham Young University, Provo
UT. GoHs: Roger Zelazny, Katherine Kurtz, Robert L. Forward; SGoHs:
Dave Wolverton, M. Shayne Bell; AGoH: Leonard Parkin. SF/F symposium.
Memb: $15 until 2/12/94; $20 after. Info: Life, the Universe &
Everything XII, 3163 JKHB, Provo UT 84602.
February 18-21, 1994 (California, Northern)
COSTUME CON 12. Santa Clara Marriott, Santa Clara CA. Emph: costuming.
Memb: $60 (discounts to ICG members); $20 supporting. Info:
GBACG/Costume Con 12, c/o Bruce MacDermott, 2801 Ashby Ave., Berkeley CA
94705; (415)469-7602.
February 18-21, 1994 (California, Southern)
A FIFTH OF GALLIFREY ONE/GALLIFREY '94. Red Lion Inn, 100 W. Glenoaks
Blvd., Glendale, CA 91202; (818) 956-5466; rms $72 sngl/dbl, $77
tpl/quad. Guests: Terrance Dicks, Barry Letts, Jean-Marc Lofficier,
Randy Lofficier, John Leven, Larry Stewart, more. Doctor Who
convention. Memb: $30 until 2/10/94, $35 after. Info: Gallifrey One
Conventions, PO Box 3021, North Hollywood, CA 91609.
*****************************************************************************
----------------------------- UPCOMING RAVES --------------------------------
*****************************************************************************
1/13/94 - GARDEN OF EARTHLY DELIGHTS- JMU,Va. - 703.568.6009
a Boschian excursion into terrestrial planes...and beyond
3 DAYS 3ROOMS 3STYLES
EDEN GARDEN of EARTHLY DELIGHTS HELL
ambient chill trancetribalacidjungledarknesshouse aural&physicalmayhem
---------------------------
1/15/94 - HUNDREDMONKEYS RENEGADE - Atlanta, GA. - 404.908.3377
starting january 15th hundredmonkeys will be starting a weekly renegade
warehouse party at 431 fair street, downtown atlanta.
---------------------------
1/15/94 - SPIRITUAL MOVEMENT II Baltimore 410.523.1882
with Dimitry of dee-lite, On-E NYC, Keoki disco 2000, Who modern music
Frankie Bones NYC rave pioneer, Chris & James of the garden club, UK
T o t a l T r i b a l C h i l l - o u t
---------------------------
1/20/94 - FEVER w/ Chris & James - Baltimore, MD. - 410.880.1166
10 PM 'till 5 AM * 18 & over * ID required * BYOB for 21 & over
Every other Thursday - Located at 1310 Russel Street Baltimore, Md
---------------------------
1/22/94 - GENESIS - Washington, DC - 202.452.7663
Muse Productions & Step Ahead Productions present...
GENESIS - Dawn of a New Age
Frankie Bones, Marc Allen, Wink...and many more
---------------------------
1/22/94 - TRANQUILITY - Charlotte, NC - 803.731.7052
@620 W. Morehead, Charlotte, NC (the warehouse) 11pm-11am $8
DJ's: DJ Dyke (orlando) Mr. Scarey (atlanta) Kris Krause (strawberry nek), more
---------------------------
1/28/94 - BUZZ - Washington, DC - 202.828.1944
Keoki,Jason Jinx,Scott Henry,Who,Lieven Degeyndt,Marc Allen & Keith Miller
Every Other Friday - Opposite Fever $8 or $6 before 12 Midnight
18 & over W/ ID * 10 PM 'till 5 AM 1824 Half Street SW, Washington DC
----------------------------
1/29/94 - ENERGIZE - Richmond, Va. - 804.256.8578
----------------------------
2/04/94 - SHINDIG - Charlotte NC 803.731.7052
@620 W. Morehead St., Charlotte, NC
DJ's: DJ Dimetri, Mike Reynolds, Jackie C, Chris Fortier
----------------------------
2/06/94 - THERMONUCLEAR/SPACENET - Washington, DC - ???.???.????
DJ's DMITRY (..from Deeelite), Guy DMC, Jason jinx, SPEED DEMON, more TBA
and a few others and others to be announced
----------------------------
2/12/94 - HEARTBEAT (A Unity Event) - Greensboro, NC - 910.274.8530
@ The Depot (an old train station) 300 E. Washington St., Greensboro, NC
DJ's: Chris Gallagher (atlanta),Jeff Nagel (charlotte),Ed Lebrun (gboro)
*****************************************************************************
-------------------------------- RAVE LINES ---------------------------------
*****************************************************************************
Rave Alert Hotline - Info on all upcoming east coast events 212.696.8938
ZooM - A Rave Line for all East Coast events! 215.998.9650
North by South Rave Hotline - Atlanta events 404.250.8230
Soundshock - Tennessee 615.742.2333
Anode/Bam - Tennessee 615.780.3730
Trance-Fused - Richmond, Va. - Info on most events in the area. 804.768.2000
Dance America - Nightclub Information Accross the Nation 900.860.7283
Soundshock - Tennessee 901.763.8064
WRAVE - Greensboro and most of NC - seldomly updates 919.574.2555
*****************************************************************************
Holy Temple of Mass Consumption PO Box 30904, Raleigh, NC 27622
e-mail: slack@ncsu.edu archived at quartz.rutgers.edu
Enjoyed by dictators and demagogues all around the world
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