730 lines
40 KiB
Plaintext
730 lines
40 KiB
Plaintext
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$ -N-E-W-S- $$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ Issue #23: Manson Family Values $$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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the best things in life are F R E E
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption F R E E
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PO Box 30904 SLACK@ncsu.edu
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Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
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A Thanksgiving Prayer - William S. Burroughs
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(spoken with a slurred, gravelly drawl)
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---------------------------------------------
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Thanks for the wild turkey and the passenger pigeons destined to be shit out
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through wholesome American guts.
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Thanks for a continent to be spoiled and poisoned.
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Thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger.
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Thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving their carcasses
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to rot.
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Thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes.
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Thanks for the American Dream to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies
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shine through.
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Thanks for the KKK.
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For nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches.
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For decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil
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faces.
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Thanks for "Kill A Queer For Christ" stickers.
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Thanks for laboratory AIDS.
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Thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs.
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Thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business.
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Thanks for a nation of finks.
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Yes. Thanks for all the memories. "Alright, lets see your arms".
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(You always were a headache and you always were a bore.)
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Thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human
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dreams.
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--------------
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Transcribed from the CD "Dead City Radio" by William S. Burroughs.
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6969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696
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A Tokyo company announced in July that it will market videos consisting soley
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of the corpses of torture victims from the war in former Yugoslavia. A company
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spokesman said that, although "Japanese have feelings of love even after
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someone dies," he thought the videos would be popular because only foreigners'
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bodies would be shown.
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Gary Richards, founder of a Jupiter, Fla., company that sells lifelike models
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of human feet for $74.95 a pair, told the Palm Beach Post in March that he
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sells about 150 pairs a month to the 4,000 or so foot fetishists who subscribe
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to his catalog/newsletter, Fantasy Foot News. A sideline is that women who
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model their feet for Richards also furnish their used shoes for sale to
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customers. "Most guys are into the odor," said Richards, "so we wrap [the
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shoes] in plastic. The odor will stay for a long time if you keep it in
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plastic, and then steam it when you want to use it."
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Among the products recently brought to market: "PooPets", animal figurines made
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of cow manure supposedly hand-made by the Amish in Lancaster, Pa., and placed
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in flower pots as an attractive fertilizer; handcrafted dog beds (starting at
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$900, plus another $250 for the draperies to hang from the four-poster models)
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from the New York designer Joseph Biummo; "Fudge on Fire," fudge laced with hot
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peppers, from the Fudge Farm in Paso Robles, Calif.; and caskets customized in
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colors of Southeast Conference football teams, from Loretto Casket Co. in
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Tennessee.
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Among the products offered for sale by members of Japan's Chindogu Society (an
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invention support group) and reported recently in *Details* magazine are:
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"Puss in Boots," a set of four dust slippers enabling cats to dust your flor
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while they're walking around; waterfilled compartments that strap on your legs,
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enabling you to wash clothes by walking virgorously; a rack worn on your back,
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secured by a shoulder brace, on which clothing can be hung to dry while you
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bicycle around; and a flashlight powered by solar panels.
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*The Baltimore Sun* reported in June that New York City artist Todd Alden
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recently asked 400 art collectors worldwide to send him samples of their
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feces so he can offer them for sale in personalized tins. Said Alden,
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"Scatology is emerging as an increasingly significant part of artistic
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inquiry in the 1990s." The feces of Italian artist Piero Manzoni, canned
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in 1961, rcently sold for $75,000.
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Blatant Capitalism:
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Polyester Information Society
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Music + Books CONTROL-ALT-DELETE
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To Melt Your Brain!
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Information Society is coming back
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Polyester Books with a harder, more alternative edge.
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(03) 419 5223 16 pg magazine format, quarterly, $5.
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330 Brunswick St. Fitzroy Strongly supported by KURT HARLAND,
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lead singer. Back issues, merchandise
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Polyester Records available
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(03) 419 5137 Issue #3- October 1. Join the Network!
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387 Brunswick St. Fitzroy CONTROL-ALT-DELETE
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5822 Green Terrace Lane
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PO Box 73 Fitzroy Houston, TX 77088-5414
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Victoria, Australia 3065 713/448-3815
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Fax 613 419 4961 JBeck@AOL.COM
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(both stores)
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( )
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DD MM
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RR UU
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UUU SSS
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GGG III
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SSS COOLBEANS!BBS CCC
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INDIELISTMYKELBOARD
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DEAD X cDc X COWS
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PUNK ZINES ROCK
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COFFEEWHISKEYBEER
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LIVETAPETRADING
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TRENDYBASHING
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GROWYOUROWN
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|||||||||||
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415-648-PUNK(7865)
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Beavis&Barney: "I love you, you love...heh heh... let's burn something..."
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x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
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Descent into bull-data indicates robot monster panic in year zero.
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Commence static interference at 0:800. Deploy life terminatixes.
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Activate disposal medium. Lob 'em one for the Gipper, boys.
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Bring 'er in for mama. NEGATE! NEGATE! Devo attack! Devo attack!
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[Artwork available only in hardcopy version]
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Pope John Paul II's recommended Comics
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--------------------------------------
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*** Crap #2 - by J.R. Williams - this is the tale about all the roommates
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and the crappy, demeaning jobs and indescribable bullshit that they all
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must put up with, in Williams' demented style. Fantagraphic Books.
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*** Dangle #1 - comics by Lloyd Dangle, these show the seamy side of jerk
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apartment tenants, getting published in big glossy magazines, disastrous
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relationships amid the SF earthquake, shitty jobs working for leftist
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magazines, and racist fraternities. Great stuff. Drawn & Quarterly.
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*** Gregory III Fat Boy - the conclusion of the Gregory books, Gregory is
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adopted by a dysfunctional family as part of his rehabilitation. He ends
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up precipitating enough trouble to get the family over its problems, and
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get him back home to his cozy cell. Pirahna Press.
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**** Hemp for Victory - the cartoon version of the actual 1940s WWII Dept.
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of Agriculture movie encouraging farmers to grow marijuana for hemp fiber,
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and showing them how. Plus, info on the *real* reasons that MJ and other
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drugs illegal, and info on Anti-WoD groups. Starhead Comix
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*** Negative Burn #4 - This anthology is definitely gorier than the others,
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with government-employed serial killers, racial unrest, self-cannibalism,
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and other gruesome stories. Plus, another "Mr. Mamoulian". Caliber Press
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*** Peepshow #5 - the autobiographical comics by Joe Matt, following his
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often pathetic but strangely optimistic attempts to get affection from a
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waitress that he dates a few times. Depressing, overall. Drawn & Quarterly.
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*** Ren & Stimpy #14 - A bit better than most, this has the "Mars Needs
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Velcro" adventure with Cmdr. Hoek and Cadet Stimpy, where they halt an
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alien invasion with disco. Plus, "The Good, The Bad, and The Stimpy"
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western drama. Still too many ads. Marvel Comics.
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*** Save Henry #29 - part 2 of 3 of the "Blue Bunker Ruse" - While preparing
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for their banned concert, the band's bunker comes under attack. Plus, Ron
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Post begins taunting and unnerving Hiroshima. Rip Off Press.
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** Simpsons Comics #1 - This Simpsons comic is a rip-off of the movie
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"Attack of the 50 Foot Woman", where Homer turns into a giant after being
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used as a human guinea pig for Mr. Burn's youth ray. Bongo Comics.
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Kill two birds with one stone: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
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$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$
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Sacrifices rendered to the Sacred PO Box:
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Celtic Pamplemousse v5.0 - Interesting zine with articles on Brainwashing
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in Star Trek: The Next Generation, Cyberspace, subway shenanigans, the heroic
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impulse, and reviews of other low-life zines. Good rants. $1 from
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66 Greyhound Dr., Willowdale, Ontario M2H 1K2, Canada
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FACTSHEET 5 - #49 - The ultimate guide to the zine revolution, with
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thousands of listings of zines, records, tapes, and miscellaneous items
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that you won't find anywhere else. No subject is too tasteless or
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extreme, with something to interest and offend everyone. This is a must
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if you produce and/or read zines, and may well be the last bastion of
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unregulated creativity in America. $3.95 or 6-issue subscription for $20,
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Factsheet Five Subscriptions, PO Box 170099 San Francisco CA 94117-0099
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Forrest Folieadeux - Sept.-Oct. 93 issue - An alternative pen-pal magazine
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with lots of interesting articles and stories. The pen-pals section has
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a *real* wide cross-section of rather interesting people-its worth it for
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this alone. This particular issue is the "Religious-Gothic-Art-Neo-Colonial"
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issue, with an emphasis on vampire and occult-oriented stories. $1 bimonthly
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from Forrest Folieadeaux, RR9-274, Oswedo, NY 13126
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Rip Off Press 1993 Fall-Holiday edition mail order catalog - the official
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source for Freak Brothers comix, Matt Howarth, Zippy, Young Lust, Richard
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Crumb, and other underground/alternative/adult comics. Plus, they have
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videos, great T-shirts, posters, buttons, and tons of other great stuff.
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You don't need any other catalog the world, except maybe Archie McPhee.
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Rip Off Press, Po Box 4686, Auburn CA 95604 800-468-2669
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Trash #11 - More news from the local Chapel Hill scene, with tons of info on
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bands and lots of record reviews. Plus, other semi-serious articles, rants,
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and some GREAT vile and disgusting full-spread cartoons. $7 for 6 issues
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405 E. Main St., Carrboro, NC 27510 (Videodrome video store)
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Catastrophic Vector Addition, by David Fischer - After being hit by large
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vehicles while riding a bike, yet without any injury whatsoever, this work
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contemplates the possibility that he may in fact be part of an experiment by
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Maxwell's Demon to move entropy from the microscopic level to the macroscopic,
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in a possibly vain attempt to circumvent the 2nd law of thermodynamics.
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Nice computer-generated illustrations (neat fractals!) in sort of a
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psychedelic-art style. Interesting theory of thermodynamics/Maxwell's
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Demon/bicycle accidents- it helps to have taken at least one physics
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class to understand the subtleties. $2 from Dave Fischer, Marks on Paper
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306 Thayer St. #82, Providence RI 02906 (look for him on alt.discordia)
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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Choices
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by Rikki Rockett
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Stang sat in his cabin in the woods. He was quite depressed, for he was
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faced with a very troublesome dilemma and was running out of time to make a
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decision. He had examined and reexamined both sides of the argument countless
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times, but to no avail. His mind began to wander, and he began to recall the
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various events which led to this terrible situation...
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It was about one thousand years ago, thought Stang, when Andy Pandy, the
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spiritual leader of the human race, climbed the tallest mountain to speak with
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Bob. He was gone for about a year; when he returned he spoke these words to
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his eagerly awaiting people;
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"I have spoken with Bob, and this is what he has said; to say that an
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act is right means to say that an act is at least as stupid as any of its
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alternatives; to say that an act is a duty means to say that it is more stupid
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than any of its alternatives.' Thank you and goodnight. Please drive
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safely."
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Someone yelled, "Wait! What does that mean?"
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"Oh yes," replied Andy Pandy. "I almost forgot. Bob made me memorize a
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list of actions which are intrinsically stupid. Number one; Hitting a car
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with a whiffle bat. Number two: Saying `ear'. Number three: Crushing skulls
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with anvils. Number four: Eating as much food as possible. Number five:
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Improvisa-"
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At that time Andy Pandy's skull was crushed by an anvil, and the list
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was lost forever.
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The confusion which resulted from this event was astonishing. Bob
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stopped talking to people after Andy Pandy died, so most people were simply
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unable to determine which actions, other than the ones listed by Andy Pandy,
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were truly stupid; and, in fact, very few people actually cared. So for about
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nine hundred years most people spent all their time hitting cars with whiffle
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bats, eating food, saying 'ear', and crushing each others' skulls with anvils.
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"But then I came along," thought Stang. "I sure changed all that!"
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Stang was a child prodigy; he was always coming up with something new
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and stupid to do. He was aptly characterized by his mother who once said:
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"Stang?! Stang is definitely not the type of child who would poke your
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dog's eyes out, no matter how hungry he is. But he has been know to sexually
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molest a goat on occasion, if you know what I mean."
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Stang simply had a great intuition, a knack for the stupid. As a youth,
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Stang developed the Sponge-filled Duck Shirt and the Bucket o' Urine, among
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other things. As he matured, Stang discovered the art of giving speeches in
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public restrooms, the most famous and stupid of which was How the Mouth Walks:
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"Most people would disagree with you if you said that a mouth could
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walk. But they are all... right! But if one could, this is how it would. He
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would start with a `stomp stomp stomp' and a `shuffle shuffle shuffle', and
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he'd move across the floor. He'd then turn left and walk for 13.6 feet. Then
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he'd do a flip! Assuming that he landed on his feet, the mouth would then
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turn right three times and take twenty paces. The mouth would then realize to
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his amazement that he was directly diagonal from his original starting
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position. Ear!"
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"Ah, those were the days!" thought Stang. "If only things were that
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simple now!"
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Stang soon became a hero of sorts, and was elected "Chief Conditioner of
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Stupidity," a title last held by the late Andy Pandy. He enjoyed his
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celebrity status at first; but as time wore on he became increasingly annoyed
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at the fact that people didn't really know very much about stupidity, or even
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care about it.
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"How in the world are we going to maximize the amount of stupidity in
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the universe if nobody knows what it is?" he complained. "There must be
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something that is the most stupid thing to do, and it's my job to find it and
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tell everybody what it is."
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So Stang began his search for the most stupid action, and announced that
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he would be accepting suggestions from the public. The news of his search
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sparked a renewed interest in stupidity; several people were even quoted as
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saying that they wanted to be the ones to discover the most stupid action. As
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Stang received more and more ideas, he found that they could be grouped into
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two similar, but nonetheless distinct, types. This was apparently due to an
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equivocation over the word "stupid". One group seemed to define "stupid" as
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"ignorant", which resulted in ideas like "eating everything" and Stain, you
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dork, why don't you shut up and find something better to do before I kick you
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ass?!" The other group defined "stupid" as "Pointless", resulting in ideas
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like "eating everything" and "scratching you head until you drop." All of
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these ideas fit into one or both of these categories, and all were quite
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stupid; so Stang naturally decided that the most stupid action must be one
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which maximizes both ignorance and pointlessness. Soon it was quite obvious
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to Stang what the most stupid activity was.
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"After much serious deliberation." announced Stang, "I have determined
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that the most stupid action is the one which maximizes both ignorance and
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pointlessness; and this has led me to an historic decision. It is quite
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obvious that trying to blow up the sun is the most stupid activity, and it's
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also pretty neat! So from this day forward, in accordance with Andy Pandy's
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thesis, the human race will be unswerving in its dedication to fulfilling this
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end; all human efforts will henceforth be directed towards blowing up the sun.
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Ear."
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Stang's decision was hailed as a stroke of genius, and for quite a while
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everyone was quite content to spend all their time working on trying to blow
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up the sun, comforted by the belief that they were being truly stupid. But
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one day, one of the leading philosophers of the time, Captain Fee-Fob, made
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the astute observation that if the sun were actually blown up, the potential
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for stupid actions in the future would be eliminated; therefore, he concluded,
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blowing up the sun must not be the most stupid action, for it would clearly
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not maximize stupidity.
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This began the greatest controversy in the history of mankind. Never
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before had society been so divided on an issue. Hard feelings ran deep on
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this subject; families were ripped apart, as brother was pitted against
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brother and sister against sister in a battle of theories that grew more and
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more violent by the minute. Even those who didn't really care about the issue
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were drawn into the conflict because of the simple fact that, according to one
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protester, "all this controversy is pretty fun!" Stang himself rather enjoyed
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the controversy at first, and toyed with the notion that arguing about whether
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or not to blow up the sun might be even more stupid than actually blowing it
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up. But as the tension between the two sides escalated into a flurry of
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skull-crushing, Stang knew something had to be done; he just couldn't figure
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out what. So he arranged a conference with Captain Fee-Fob and several other
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of the most formidable thinkers of his day to help him decide whether or not
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to blow up the sun.
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After a few meetings it was pointed out that even if blowing up the sun
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eliminates the potential for stupid action in the future, it may be the case
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that the stupidity of blowing up the sun would outweigh the sum of the
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stupidity of all potential future actions. Another important issue was raised
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by Mrs. Penny, author of the controversial and critically acclaimed book
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called The Void of Stupidity (My Toilet) Mrs. Penny pointed out that before we
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can know whether blowing up the sun is the most stupid action or not, we must
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know whether stupidity is contingent upon human existence. If not, then it
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really doesn't matter whether or not the potential for future stupid action is
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eliminated; after all, what state of affairs could be more stupid than the
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absence of humans?
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Than came the hardest blow to Stang's plan. It came from Captain Fee-
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Fob, who pointed out that "trying to blow up the sun" has a goal - namely, the
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destruction of the sun - and therefore is not really pointless, for
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pointlessness implies the lack of a point or goal. Therefore, according to
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Captain Fee-Fob, blowing up the sun fails to meat the requirements for the
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most stupid action.
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"If we're concerned with being stupid, we're not concerned with ends,"
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said Captain Fee-Fob, "and should not be concerned with blowing up the sun."
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This upset Stang very badly, and he disbanded the conference. Then he
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received this news from his chief scientist in charge of blowing up the sun,
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Mr. Poo:
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"Mr. Stang, I believe that we are now ready to blow up the sun. We have
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finally created a rifle powerful enough to fire toilet seats directly into the
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center of the sun at speeds of over 120 miles per hour."
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"My God," replied Stang.
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"Our best calculations estimate that it will probably take at least ten
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or twelve toilet seats fired at that speed to blow up the sun. We are now
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merely awaiting the go-ahead signal from you. Ear."
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"Thank you, Mr. Poo. The signal will be as follows, but remember that I
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am now only telling you what the signal is, not actually giving you the go-
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ahead. The signal will be: `Mr. Poo, you may now begin the countdown sequence
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for the demolition of the sun.' But now I must go, for I have a very
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important decision to make, as you well know. I will return to announce me
|
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decision in exactly one week."
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So Stang set out to his cabin in the woods, built at the very spot where
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Andy Pandy's skull was crushed by an anvil.
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"And here I am," thought Stang. "I've been here for six days, twenty-
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one hours and thirty-three minutes, and I still haven't made any progress
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towards making a decision. Is blowing up the sun the right thing to do? Is
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it in fact my duty? It seems that Captain Fee-Fob may be right after all. If
|
|
"stupid" means "Pointless", then, strictly speaking, blowing up the sun is not
|
|
really stupid. But does "stupid" mean "pointless"??
|
|
Stang pondered this for a while.
|
|
"If it does, then it hardly seems possible for anyone to act stupid; for
|
|
if one is trying to be stupid, then stupidity is a goal. If one is trying to
|
|
produce the most stupidity, one is striving for a state of maximum stupidity,
|
|
which is a goal; one is therefore not acting pointlessly, and hence is not
|
|
acting stupidly."
|
|
Stang thought some more.
|
|
"In fact, it may be impossible for anyone to act pointlessly. For
|
|
example if I eat food, I have a goal - namely, having eaten food - and so I
|
|
could not eat food pointlessly except by accident. In fact, the only way I
|
|
could do anything pointlessly, strictly speaking, is by accident. But I can
|
|
clearly act stupid; otherwise Andy Pandy's thesis would be wrong. Perhaps I
|
|
have made a mistake in defining the most stupid action as the one which
|
|
maximizes both ignorance and pointlessness."
|
|
Stang though about this for a long time.
|
|
"Perhaps even trying to define the word `stupid' was a fundamental
|
|
mistake. Perhaps `stupid' cannot be defined in terms of other, more simple
|
|
qualities - perhaps it is irreducible. It seems that neither `ignorant' nor
|
|
`pointless', nor any combination of the two, really captures what is meant by
|
|
calling something `stupid'. But what else could it mean? `Irrational'?
|
|
`Senseless'? No, those seem to be more complicated terms than `stupid'. I
|
|
must have been fooled by the fact that all things which are stupid seem to be
|
|
either pointless or ignorant, into thinking that `stupid' actually means one
|
|
or both of those term. No, I think that stupid is a simple quality."
|
|
Stang considered the implications of this.
|
|
"Well, even if I can't define `stupid', I can at least try to determine
|
|
which things possess the quality of `stupidity'. It seems that, in general,
|
|
actions are more stupid than objects; while a Sponge-filled Duck Suit may be
|
|
somewhat stupid, wearing a Sponge-filled Duck Suit is considerably more
|
|
stupid. So it seems that the greatest amount of stupidity must be produced by
|
|
some action. Would blowing up the sun produce the most stupidity?"
|
|
Stang asked himself this question over and over.
|
|
"It does seem possible to say that human existence is necessary for the
|
|
greatest amount of stupidity; for if actions are generally more stupid than
|
|
objects, then the absence of humans engaging in stupid activities would
|
|
greatly decrease the total amount of stupidity in the universe. This
|
|
dismisses Mrs. Penny's theory, which is unfortunate; for now I am left with
|
|
the task of determining whether the stupidity of blowing up the sun outweighs
|
|
the sum of the potentials of all future actions. Maybe I could just try to
|
|
blow up the sun, but make sure that I fail. Then the stupidity of all future
|
|
actions could be added to the stupidity of trying to blow up the sun. But if
|
|
I make sure that I fail, it wouldn't really be trying; it would just be firing
|
|
toilet seats into the sky - very stupid indeed, but clearly not the most
|
|
stupid action. It is my duty to determine whether blowing up the sun is the
|
|
most stupid thing to do. But how? I guess there is only one way."
|
|
Stang left his cabin and went back to the city, to where he was
|
|
scheduled to announce his decision. A crowd of over forty people had gathered
|
|
for his announcement, but at least that many more were watching on TV as Stang
|
|
stepped up to the podium.
|
|
"OK, everybody, I guess we're going to have to take a vote. Those of
|
|
you watching at home can vote using the electronic voting devices connected to
|
|
your television sets. Ready? OK, hands up, everybody who wants to blow up
|
|
the sun."
|
|
Stang paused for 17.3 seconds.
|
|
"Now everybody who doesn't want to blow up the sun."
|
|
Stang paused for 22 seconds.
|
|
"The votes are in, and it's a tie - six votes for, six votes against. I
|
|
guess we could flip a coin, but I don't have any change. Does anyone here
|
|
have change for a dollar?"
|
|
Nobody had change for a dollar, but someone said, "I have a nickel you
|
|
could borrow."
|
|
"Thanks dude," said Stang, and flipped the coin - then caught it in
|
|
midair. "Oops, I forgot to say what `heads' or `tails' mean. `Heads'
|
|
means we blow up the sun, `tails' means we don't"
|
|
Stang flipped the coin which landed on it's side and rolled into the
|
|
gutter.
|
|
"Damn!" yelled Stang. "I owe you a nickel, dude. Does anybody else
|
|
have change?"
|
|
Nobody did, but a little boy said, "I have a tennis racket at home.
|
|
There's a letter `P' on the end of the handle, and you could spin it around
|
|
and see which way the `P' lands."
|
|
"Well, what are you waiting for, kid? We don't have all day! Don't
|
|
just stand there with that stupid grin on your face! Go get it!"
|
|
The boy ran home and returned about thirty minutes later with the tennis
|
|
racket; by that time, however, a large portion of the crowd had dispersed.
|
|
"Thanks, kid," Stang said, "You're a sweetheart. Now if the racket
|
|
lands with the `P' right-side-up we will blow up the sun; if it lands upside
|
|
down we won't."
|
|
Stang spun the racket, which landed on it's side and rolled into the
|
|
gutter.
|
|
"Strange," said Stang. " Now what do we do? How does one decide these
|
|
things? How about `rock, paper, scissors'? I'll need two volunteers."
|
|
Two people raised their hands.
|
|
"Ok, come up here you two. Now on three, form your hands into the shape
|
|
of a rock, a piece of paper, or a pair of scissors. Remember, rock breaks
|
|
scissors, scissors cut paper and paper covers rock. The winner will make the
|
|
final decision. One...two...three! Oops, a tie. Try again. One, two,
|
|
three! Another Tie! This isn't working at all. Let's try something else. We
|
|
could draw straws! bring some straws up here."
|
|
Some straws were produced.
|
|
"I'll hold the straws and whoever draws the shortest one gets to decide.
|
|
Now each of you can come up here and pick one straw."
|
|
Just then a gust of wind blew the straws from Stang's hand and into the
|
|
gutter.
|
|
"Damn!" yelled Stang. "Well, that just about exhausts the conventional
|
|
ways of making decisions. I guess we'll have to think of some new ones. How
|
|
about.. the first person who can... smash their head into a tree! That person
|
|
will decide. Ready, go!"
|
|
Nobody moved and someone yelled, "I'm not doing that!"
|
|
"Ok, how about the first person how can smash their head into a dog!"
|
|
Several people began chasing a dog, but the dog tripped and fell into
|
|
the gutter before they could catch it.
|
|
"Thumbwrestling! We will thumbwrestle to see decides. You two, come up
|
|
here. The two of you will thumbwrestle and the winner will make the final
|
|
decision. Ready, go!"
|
|
The two people, we'll call them person x and person y, began to
|
|
thumbwrestle and person x won.
|
|
"All right! I won!" yelled person x. "Now what are we deciding again?"
|
|
"I think we're deciding whether or not to start a volleyball league!"
|
|
said someone from the crowd.
|
|
"A volleyball league? Of course I want to start a volleyball league!"
|
|
said person x. "Let's start right now! Come one, everybody! Let's go to the
|
|
volleyball court!"
|
|
"Wait, don't go!" shouted Stang. "Come back! We haven't decided
|
|
whether or not to blow up the sun!" But nobody heard him - everyone was too
|
|
excited about the volleyball league, and who can blame them. "Mr. Poo, come
|
|
back! After all my hard work! Oh God..."
|
|
Stang grew very angry.
|
|
"I'm going to do it anyway," he said, making his way to the laboratory
|
|
where the toilet seat rifle was kept. "I just can't let this opportunity go
|
|
to waste."
|
|
Stang entered the laboratory, found the toilet seat gun, took aim, and
|
|
fired several toilet seats into the sun until it finally blew up.
|
|
|
|
EAR!
|
|
|
|
o \ o / _ o __| \ / |__ o _ \ o / o
|
|
/|\ | /\ ___\o \o | o/ o/___ /\ | /|\
|
|
/ \ / \ | \ /) | ( \ /o\ / ) | (\ / | / \ / \
|
|
===============================================================================
|
|
>From the iguana master! = Whenever the sun is setting
|
|
jck31160@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu = it is rising somewhere else...
|
|
"nothing moves! = where my mustache ends and your
|
|
where would it go???" = armpit hair begins...
|
|
===============================================================================
|
|
|
|
|
|
Announcing ACTIVEWEAR for the
|
|
|
|
END TIMES!
|
|
|
|
That's right! The "Last Days" may be here, but Friend, YOU can be the
|
|
LAST WORD in AVANT-GARDE ELEGANCE in our FULL COLOR T-SHIRT! As seen
|
|
above [hard-copy HToMC only] Robot Dinosaur has the facial features of
|
|
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, beloved SubGenius Guru. A close examination reveals
|
|
a wealth of mechanical and engineering detail. Gronk! But this shrunken
|
|
reproduction can barely HINT at the overpowering effect the vibrantly
|
|
colored original has. YOU MUST HAVE THIS SHIRT!
|
|
|
|
|
|
SLACK THREADS(tm) is a fully accredited tentacle of The Church of the
|
|
SubGenius(tm) and has received a dispensation to use the Dobbsian likeness.
|
|
This shirt was designed by Harry S. "Dr. Howl" Robbins, a longtime church
|
|
contributor. Watch for MORE shirt designs from SLACK THREADS in the very
|
|
near future. And if "Bob", "SLACK", or "SUBGENIUS" mean nothing to you,
|
|
we suggest you buy a "BARNEY" T-shirt instead.
|
|
|
|
Mail this HANDY COUPON: (we welcome wholesale inquiries)
|
|
|
|
.---------------------------------------------------------------.
|
|
| |
|
|
| Yes, I'm longing to sport the true colors of an ordained |
|
|
| Overman/woman/thing, to do my part for "Bob". Please rush |
|
|
| me my official Cybersaurus Dobbs(tm) Thoraxwear |
|
|
| SubG-shirt. I hereby certify that I am both a native- |
|
|
| born resident of this planet and a non-supernatural, |
|
|
| breathing, living being. Rush me ____ shirt(s) at $15.00 |
|
|
| ea. postpaid. Sorry, no C.O.D.'s. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| SLACK Name:_________________________________________ |
|
|
| |
|
|
| Address:______________________________________ |
|
|
| THREADS |
|
|
| City:____________________________State:_______ |
|
|
| |
|
|
| Zip Code:________________________ |
|
|
| |
|
|
| Specify size: Large______ Extra Large_____ |
|
|
| Circus Tent______ (special order only) |
|
|
| |
|
|
| Mail payment to: CRUX Productions - Department GZHR |
|
|
| 109 Minna Street #115 |
|
|
| San Francisco, CA 94105 |
|
|
| |
|
|
`---------------------------------------------------------------'
|
|
|
|
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
|
|
|
|
C O N V E N T I O N S
|
|
|
|
December 3-5, 1993 (Kentucky)
|
|
|
|
SMOFCON 11. Marriott's Griffin Gate Resort, 1800 Newtown Pike,
|
|
Lexington, KY 40511; (606) 231-5100; rms $69 Thur.-Sat., $49 Sunday.
|
|
Convention for people who run conventions. Memb: $40. Info: Scott&Jane
|
|
Dennis, 347 West Second Street, Paris, KY 40361.
|
|
|
|
January 6-9, 1994 (Arizona)
|
|
|
|
PULPCON. Holiday Inn Palo Verde, Tucson, Arizona. GoH: R.G. Harris.
|
|
Memb: $10. Info: Pulpcon, Box 1332, Dayton, OH 45401.
|
|
|
|
January 7-9, 1994 (Florida)
|
|
|
|
TROPICON 12. West Palm Beach, FL. GoH: Judith Tarr. Info: Tropicon
|
|
12, SFSFS, Box 70143, Fr. Lauderdale FL 33307; (305)385-4111.
|
|
|
|
January 7-9, 1994 (Tennessee)
|
|
|
|
MUSICON. Shoney's Inn, 2420 Music Valley Dr., Nashville TN 37214; (615)
|
|
885-4030. GoHs: Bill & Brenda Sutton; SGoH: Allen Street Band, Guests:
|
|
Dave McConnell, Bill Rintz. Nashville's only all-filk con. Memb: $21
|
|
until 12/1/93, $25 after. Info: P.O. Box 198121 Nashville, TN
|
|
37219-8121; (708) 394-3340 (before 10 p.m. Central time); email:
|
|
cbwierda@ar14darlrk.er.usgs.gov.
|
|
|
|
January 14-16, 1994 (Washington)
|
|
|
|
RUSTYCON 11. Seattle, WA. GoH: TBA; AGoH: Bob Eggleton; FGoHs: Bjo &
|
|
John Trimble; Memb: $30 until 12/31/93, $35 after. Info: Rustycon 11,
|
|
Box 84291, Seattle WA 98124-5591.
|
|
|
|
January 21-23, 1994 (California, Southern)
|
|
|
|
CONFURENCE V. Airporter Garden Hotel, 18700 MacArthur Blvd., Irvine,
|
|
CA; (800) 854-3012; rms $55. GoH: A.C. Crispin; AGoHs: Alicia Austin,
|
|
Terrie Smith. Theme: Anthropomorphic sf. Memb: $20 until 12/1/93, $25
|
|
until 1/15/94, $30 after; $10 supporting. Info: ConFurence, Box 1958,
|
|
Garden Grove CA 92642-1958; (714) 530-4993; email: sylys@netcom.com.
|
|
|
|
January 21-23, 1994 (Massachusetts)
|
|
|
|
ARISIA '94. Boston Park Plaza Hotel and Towers, Boston, MA. GoHs:
|
|
Spider & Jeanne Robinson; AGoH: Michael Whelan; FGoH: David Kyle. Memb:
|
|
$30 until 11/30/93. Info: Arisia, Inc., 1 Kendall Square, Suite 322,
|
|
Cambridge, MA 02139; (617) 364-1576 (BBS); email:
|
|
arisia@asylum.sf.ca.us.
|
|
|
|
January 21-23, 1994 (Michigan)
|
|
|
|
CONFUSION XX. Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza, Romulus, MI; rms $69. GoH: Joan
|
|
D. Vinge; AGoH: Erin McKee; FGoH: Leah Zeldes Smith; TM: Andrew Offutt.
|
|
Memb: $18 until 10/1/93, $22 until 12/31/93, $25 after. Info:
|
|
ConFusion, Box 8284, Ann Arbor, MI 48107.
|
|
|
|
February 11-13, 1994 (Washington)
|
|
|
|
POTLATCH III. University Plaza Hotel, Seattle, WA. NOTE: This is a
|
|
small literary convention, no dances, costumes, more. Info: Potlatch
|
|
III, PO Box 31848, Seattle, WA 98103-1848.
|
|
|
|
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
|
|
|
|
Coincidence?????
|
|
|
|
Love Boat USS Enterprise
|
|
----------- --------------
|
|
|
|
Bald Captain Bald Captain
|
|
Young Vicki is related to a Young Wesley is related to a
|
|
crewmember and works on the ship crewmember and works on the ship
|
|
Ship's doctor is a main character Ship's doctor is a main character
|
|
Julie the cruise director is sexy Troi the ships' counselor is sexy
|
|
but annoying but annoying
|
|
Actors stand in front of screen, Actors stand in front of screen,
|
|
upon which is projected background upon which is projected background
|
|
of open sea of open space
|
|
A dumping ground for second-rate A dumping ground for second-rate
|
|
washed-up guest stars washed-up guest stars
|
|
Going to strange new ports-of-call Going to strange new worlds
|
|
Cheesy opening song Cheesy opening song
|
|
Too many scenes of self-indulgent Too many scenes of self-indulgent
|
|
crap in the lounge crap in the holodeck
|
|
In late-night syndication In late-night syndication
|
|
Socially retarded character with Socially retarded character with
|
|
job description for name (Gopher) job description for name (Data)
|
|
Bad 2-hour pilot Bad 2-hour pilot
|
|
Love boat has lifeboats and Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and
|
|
flotation devices detaching saucer section
|
|
Scenes lined by ship shots Scenes lined by ship shots
|
|
One character inexplicably One character inexplicably
|
|
replaced, then returned (Julie) replaced, then returned (Crusher)
|
|
After-the-fact bed scenes with After-the-fact bed scenes with
|
|
pointless discussion pointless discussion
|
|
Captain straightens uniform when Captain straightens uniform when
|
|
disgusted/angry/nervous disgusted/angry/nervous
|
|
Final scene takes place on loading Final scene takes place on
|
|
dock; crew waves goodbye transporter; crew waves goodbye
|
|
Aaron Spelling rules with iron Gene Roddenberry rules with iron
|
|
fist, annoying die-hard fans fist, annoying die-hard fans
|
|
At conventions, everyone is dressed At conventions, everyone is dressed
|
|
like Dr. Adam Bricker like Mr. Spock
|
|
Issac the bartender has useless Captain Picard has useless
|
|
gesture, pointing slightly forward gesture, pointing slightly forward
|
|
Intercrew friction always resolved Intercrew friction always resolved
|
|
within allotted 1 hour time slot within allotted 1 hour time slot
|
|
|
|
|
|
*****************************************************************************
|
|
trance-fused presents... generation.... richmond, va. 12/4/93
|
|
|
|
10 pm - 7 am - afterhours tba - $8 tickets avail. at the door ONLY
|
|
Directions on info-line starting the day before event - 804.768.2000
|
|
josh wink - nervous/sorted records dieselBoy * pittsburgh
|
|
todd krulak - music now / d.c. laura * new jersey
|
|
speed demon * va john rainbow humphrey * n.c.
|
|
chadE - space/richmond enzyme * charlottesville/cyber
|
|
tiff'nE * trancefused/wdce/richmond + others - TBA
|
|
live performance by method one *
|
|
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
December 31, 1993 RESOLUTION Baltimore, MD 410.880.7031
|
|
|
|
3 huge rooms of music, 2 lasers lucid visuals, giant screen SEGA & SNES,
|
|
DJs: DJ Sun, Scott Henry, Entity, Doc Martin, Sameer, Jason Jinx, Who, more!
|
|
|
|
info: e-mail ultraworld@aol.com Bus: Trance-Fused (Richmond) 804.768.2000
|
|
_____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
January 29, 1993 Washington, DC 202.466.1692
|
|
Thermonuclear productions presents Galaxy.
|
|
|
|
Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
|
|
PO Box 30904
|
|
Raleigh, NC 27622
|
|
slack@ncsu.edu
|
|
|