105 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
105 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
_____________________________________________________________
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//~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\\
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|| PURE ANARCHY!!!!!! /| SATAN |\ BOMBZ HARDCORE!! ||
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|| ___ ___ | | IS LORD | | _______________ ||
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|| |$$$| HOE 1018 |$$$| \`\ !!!!! /'/' |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| ||
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|| |$$$| 01/30/00 |$$$| \ `---------' / |$$$|~~~~~~~~~~~ ||
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|| |$$$|__________|$$$| / /\ /\ \ |$$$| LOTSA BOOM ||
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|| |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| | '' `` | |$$$|___ 2 FUCK ||
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|| |$$$$/~~~~~~~~\$$$$| \ ` ' / |$$$$$$$| YA SHT ||
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|| |$$$| TRUE |$$$| `\ <o> /' |$$$|~~~ UP!!!! ||
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|| |$$$| TERORISM |$$$| 666 `\ /' 666 |$$$|___________ ||
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|| |$$$| INSIDE!! |$$$| ___/'`---'`\___ |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| ||
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\\ ~~~ ~~~ HOGZA DA ENTROPY! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ //
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\\ YEAH BOYEE@#! H/P/A/V/C IN DA MOTHAFUCKIN HAUSZ#@!@$ //
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\\--------------------------------------------------//
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\\ "Phun with Shit" //
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\\ by Da Master Mogel //
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\\______________________________________//
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Golly, I love shit. And this text file is all about it. All my
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text files have references to shit, in fact. Though relatively unknown to
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many, there's a variety of excellent things you can do with it. Just in
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case there's any ambiguity, I'm talking about the so-called "waste" that
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comes out of your ass when you're in the bathroom. You know, the smelly
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stuff that usually launches into the toilet. Okay, now we're on the same
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page.
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First off, let's put an end to the myth that shit belongs in the
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toilet. You can put shit anywhere, and I often do. When you have shit
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gathered up in a big pile, you can use it for all kinds of common
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purposes like a plaster substitute or let it harden and make a sculpture
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out of it or you can use it as a perfect weapon to throw at me because
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it's awfully smelly and light or you can eat SHIT BURGERS (A PATTY OF
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SHIT BETWEEN TWO BUNS) OR MAKE A SHIT CASTLE ON THE BEACH OR A SHITMAN IN
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THE SNOW OR SHIT ART AHH SHIT AHHHH SHIT SHIT!!!!!!!! ehehehee
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I know what you're thinking--I'm taking this "shit thing" too far.
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This "I'm trying to gross you out" humor device is pretty tired. I
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definitely do not want this to be like a _South Park_ episode, because
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that would genuinely do a disservice to such a useful, natural substance.
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Perhaps it's time we carefully examine the nature of shit, so that you
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guys can understand why I (and so many others) love it so.
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First off, you have to define your class of feces. Clearly one
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must discriminate between diarrhea and regular ol' shit. While you may
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just "lump" shit into the same general "shit" category, the consistency
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and quality of your shit can vary greatly both from person to person and
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from day to day. It relies on your lifestyle, really--what you eat, how
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much exercise you get, etc. Sometimes shit has a more traditional dark
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brown color, but given the right set of circumstances, you can have a
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wide variety of color tones to your shit, ranging from light tan, to
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light green, to almost black.
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The density of your shit is alterable as well, since you can most
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certainly indefinite. It would be ignorant to suggest all shit looks or
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feels the same. If you carefully examine, some shit takes on a more mushy
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consistency, akin to a "smoothie" that you might buy in a store. Other
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times, it's got a bumpy, "chunks o' stuff" consistency, in which upon
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examination, you can see quite a number of different mixtures of shapes
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and colors, mixed together--kind of like rocky road ice cream. Oh yeah,
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and diarrhea, that's a whole other ball of yarn, with its "liquid meets
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solid" consistency. It's like peeing out of your butt.
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Here's a good way to experiment with your body, learn about
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yourself, and have lots of fun. Get a notepad and keep it by the bathroom,
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keeping track of each time you take a shit, the descriptive qualities of
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the shit, the frequency, and obviously the food you ate that day. In a
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few weeks, you will have a working knowledge of your shit and,
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ultimately, control over what your shit will be like. This sort of
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information could be pretty useful if just such an occassion arises.
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I know, I know... "it smells!!" I've heard all those whines
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before, believe me. I even said it myself, at first! The first thing
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you will have to get over is your fear. Shit will not hurt you.
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Sometimes we attribute such negative labels to things in society without
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stopping for just a moment and reflecting on where these labels come
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from. The truth is, shit is some handy stuff. And the only way for you
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to appreciate it, truly, is to put it onto a plate, go into your
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backyard, and start experimenting with it yourself. Be creative... you'll
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find there's quite a lot of practical functions out there.
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Clearly, most people don't realize the hidden richness and natural,
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artistic brilliance in a piece of shit. Let's take a look at an example.
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.-_-_-_/~~~~~\._------.-._.-.
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DATZ .-' \
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SHIT --> | o.o |
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(hehehe) .-' `---' ./'
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`--.__.___ .____.__/~\__.__/'
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`----'
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Ahh, the general structure of shit--so random, yet so fascinating.
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It's natural form is molded entirely within our bodies, both internally
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and in the process of leaving our anuses and plopping freshly and warmly
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onto a toilet (or a table, in my case). There it is, in all its
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splendor. Look at it, and observe the perfection that mother nature has
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given our bodies. We are able to produce so much of this stuff... and
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all we have to do is eat! I look at shit in the same way some people
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lookat scenic photographs or famous works of art.
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I should probably advise you that shit is made of a great deal of
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bacteria and is probably unsafe to eat, although I doubt a small amount
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(let's say, 1 cup's worth) would be all that problematic for the average
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person.
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Now some of you aren't quite as fanatical about this stuff as I
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am, I can understand that. Different strokes for different folks. All a
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humble man such as myself can ask of you, the reader, is that next time
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you do take a shit, stop and think about how much potential fun can be
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had, okay?
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) HOE EZINE! WWW.HOE.NU! A-BEWM-BEWM! #1018 -> BY MOGEL - 1/30/00 ]
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