151 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
151 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
"Anarchy is the basis of today's society.
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Without it, we would be in chaos." - Anarchist
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_____________________________________________________________
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//~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\\
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|| PURE ANARCHY!!!!!! /| SATAN |\ BOMBZ HARDCORE!! ||
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|| ___ ___ | | IS LORD | | _______________ ||
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|| |$$$| HOE 1012 |$$$| \`\ !!!!! /'/' |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| ||
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|| |$$$| 01/30/00 |$$$| \ `---------' / |$$$|~~~~~~~~~~~ ||
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|| |$$$|__________|$$$| / /\ /\ \ |$$$| LOTSA BOOM ||
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|| |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| | '' `` | |$$$|___ 2 FUCK ||
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|| |$$$$/~~~~~~~~\$$$$| \ ` ' / |$$$$$$$| YA SHT ||
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|| |$$$| TRUE |$$$| `\ <o> /' |$$$|~~~ UP!!!! ||
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|| |$$$| TERORISM |$$$| 666 `\ /' 666 |$$$|___________ ||
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|| |$$$| INSIDE!! |$$$| ___/'`---'`\___ |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| ||
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\\ ~~~ ~~~ HOGZA DA ENTROPY! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ //
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\\ YEAH BOYEE@#! H/P/A/V/C IN DA MOTHAFUCKIN HAUSZ#@!@$ //
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\\--------------------------------------------------//
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\\ "Oldschool Christmas Anarchy" //
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\\ by Sir Oregano The Hacker //
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\\______________________________________//
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My brethren in anarchy, gather around. I have some oldschool
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methods for ruining Christmas for the man, for those who try to keep us
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down with their rules for how we should think and act this time of year.
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I know you of the new school want to stick a knife in Santa's ribs
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or leave a time-delay bomb wrapped as a Christmas present under a store
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display tree, but my brethren in chaos, I have this to say, there are
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more subtle ways to shake things up, things that don't get you in prison,
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things that don't cause crack downs and rousting by the pigs. Here are
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methods from the oldschool which will foul things up for the drones who
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just follow along, these will make people take notice and think for
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themselves.
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First up comes the Christmas choral concert. This is the number
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one sacred cow of Christmas. We are supposed to sit and wonder at boring
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music like little angels. Well if you are an angel you are dead; here's
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how to shake things up with a little coughing fit.
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The trick to this is not too be too obvious. Before the show
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throw down a few coughs to let the drones think you are really a little
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ill, but then right when the show starts, be quiet, absolutely quiet, and
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stay silent for a good 20 minutes. This will get the drones thinking you
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are now fine. This is important, it lulls them into a deeper state of
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self-denial. Your coughing fit must have been temporary, but they still
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listen for tell-tale coughing.
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Then, after this time has passed, let out a few quiet coughs.
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Nothing big, just something to establish that you are there, just often
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enough to keep the drones distracted. They will be wondering about you,
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waiting for the next cough and not listening to the music if you keep it
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infrequent enough.
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Finally as you come to the end you go for the high-powered cough,
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in fact go for a full fit as the Hallelulia choir is peaking, cough so
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bad that you feel you need to leave the auditorium. This does two
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things. First it gets you the heck out of there so you won't be
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confronted after the show. Second it allows you to cough harder and make
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a racket all the while slowly walking up the aisle. No one can tell you
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too cool it since you are being a good drone and leaving on your own, but
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in the meantime the true drones are listening to you leave and wishing
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you'd walk faster and they pay no attention to the music.
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The next little trick is so simple that you should have thought of
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it yourself. Vaseline on the toys.
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Carry a little jar of Vaseline in the pocket of your coat. Dab a
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little on a finger and then pick up a toy and rub it on the back of the
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toy (for example a Gameboy box). Some kid will pick it up and find it
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slippery and icky and rub it all around him on the store displays or all
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over his clean Christmas clothing.
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Be sure to wipe off your finger before moving on to the next item
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in case the floor walker catches up with you.
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Spray-on snow is a delightful item that seems to be made for the
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old school anarchist. This is basically spray paint in a can, with the
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side benefit of being washable. This is important in that if you are
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caught with the stuff the worst thing that happens is you spend ten
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minutes washing off your work, they can't make you do community service
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as you would with permanent spray paint.
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I am sure you can think of plenty of places to write choice
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Christmas greetings anarchy style. Sides of buildings, car windows,
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busses. You can reach lots of people quickly with your own style of
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holiday smear. Plus it makes a great quick hit on elevator buttons, for
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department store elevators, and over the dials of payphones. Think a
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little and ideas come to you for uses for this chaos-friendly product.
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Buy yourself a string of Christmas lights and, by hand, burn out
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every bulb in the string; carry them with you. This bit of anarchy works
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good both for family gatherings and store displays.
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The secret here is that if only one bulb is burned out in a string
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of lights on a tree, none of the bulbs in that string will light and
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every bulb has to be tested and the bad one replaced.
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Practice, at home, switching a burned out bulb with a bad one, to
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get your time down to about four seconds. If you are really good you can
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switch two bulbs in the same strand of a store tree. This takes them 10
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times longer to find what needs to be replaced, they are looking for only
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one bad bulb.
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You don't have to be homeless to wander the streets singing new
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words to Christmas carols. But you do need to be drunk. Go buy some $3
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bottle of whiskey and you can easily come up with dirty lyrics to old
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standards. Nothing gets people out of the shopping mood more than
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hearing their favorite jingle turned foul. This is a gift which keeps on
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giving for next time they think of that song or hear it on the radio,
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they hear your words; they will never enjoy that song again.
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This is the oldest of the oldschool Christmas tricks. A little
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alcohol in the punch or eggnog. This works best on children since the
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parents just think the kids are acting weird due to the spirit of the
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season. And not till the littles ones start puking will they begin to
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suspect anything.
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And lastly comes the old standby of bringing a little anarchy to
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the church on Christmas Eve. The first is devil horns and a devil's
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tail. Nothing too obvious, a little subtlety will go a long way here.
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Maybe wear the devil horns under a ski cap, and take the cap off once
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services start. The tail can be disguised under a suit jacket and
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revealed when you lift up the tail of your jacket to sit or stand.
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These can be gotten cheaply at costume stores outside of the costume
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season.
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Second is to change the lyrics to hymns. This is similar to the
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changing the lyrics to Christmas carols but you have a captive audience
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so be careful to not be quite as dirty. In fact you may get the best
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effect with a few kind words to Satan or other densians of the dark. The
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good part here is that in Church people can't talk to each other and
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compare notes, so they will leave you alone when you are singing about
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the Dark One, but in the car on the way back home they will ask, "Did you
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hear the same thing I did?" "Was he singing about Satan?" "I thought I
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was hearing things."
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Those of you who really need to make a statement in a church can
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make a go for the host. Hardcore brethren only, this one takes some
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stones.
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Stand up and receive the host from the priest then turn towards
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the congregation and spit out the host on the ground and in a loud voice
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yell, "Yeech! Christ could at least have taken a shower before he died
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for our sins!"
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No need to limit yourself to these tricks, there are so many more
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like putting dirty books in the kid's section of Christmas book displays.
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Getting a job as an elf helping Santa and telling children that Santa
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secretly hates them and they will get no gifts; even building a four foot
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tall snow penis then coating it with water to make the penis four feet of
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indestructible ice. All these will keep the drones on their toes and make
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them think instead of just following along like sheep to the house of
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slaughter.
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There you have it brethren, ways to make the season memorable. And
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do it in ways that in a sense go beyond simple havoc in that they are all
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technically legal. There is not much the cops can do to you if caught.
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Good luck in your anarchy, the oldschool way. A terror Christmas
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to all and to all a good blight.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) HOE EZINE! WWW.HOE.NU! A-BEWM-BEWM! #1012 -> BY OREGANO - 1/30/00 ]
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