308 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
308 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
s$
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$$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1007
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[-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "Ask Clyde, Version 4.0!"
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by Clyde
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 01/22/00
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[-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ "TssT" "TssT"
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free advice! send your questions to clyde@hoe.nu!
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welcome to the "ask clyde" column! this here is our biggest
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advice column ever! "ask clyde" is an anonymous, free advice service!
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do you need free advice! send me an email and i will answer your
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questions! names are changed to protect those who submit questions! i
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also give advice on how to fight crime! remember -- crime does not pay!
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don't you agree!
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in this issue, stephen tries to kick his drinking habit, nathan
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surfs the web, fred wants to have cindy in bed, amy asks a really dumb
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question, janice talks about a fun web site, marjorie eats lots of
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chocolate and gets fat -- of course, and douglas wants me to write his
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fucking school essay -- but i'll give it a shot anyway!
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thank you for all of the fine questions this time around! keep
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them coming! now, let's hit it!
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> How can I give up Jack Daniels even though I don't want to, cos I love
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> it so much?
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> Stephen
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dear stephen! listen! have you ever been to tennessee! it is a
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horrible place! sons of bitches have that horrible drawl-y accent!
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people who live there always go around and "y'all" everybody! they
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"y'all" at the gas station, "y'all" in church, and "y'all" in school!
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police officers "y'all" you when they give you a traffic ticket! judges
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"y'all" you when setting bail! it's all a bunch of "y'all amughnafv
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drinkabeer mnafeale cigarette adgmnnsdg go fishin'?"! what the hell is
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that!
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how can people that stupid make whiskey so good!
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but it's true! jack daniels is some really fine shit! so, i
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don't know! i probably can't help you with this! i think you should
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drink more of it, actually! drink up! driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkk
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iiiiiiiittttttttttt!
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honestly, i don't know what your problem is! have a great day!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> Sometimes when I'm surfing the web at home, I type in a URL or click on
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> a link and get this "Warning! Access denied! This site is locked by
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> ParentGuard" message. That is so annoying. Sometimes this even happens
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> when I'm trying to follow a link to amazon.com! Like, I tried to go
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> to a web site once about the movie "Naked Gun," and it blocked me!
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> Then on Amazon, I tried to order "Dead Poets Society" and it blocked
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> me again! What should I do?
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> Nathan
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nathan! here's what to do, little squirt! the way to control
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your browser instead of the other way around, is with java! using java,
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you can implement a browser-embedded browser! it's true! in java, write
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a browser program! then, use netscape or internet explorer to load your
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java browser! that's right! use your browser to browse into another
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browser! and browse the web from within your java browser! by using a
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piece of my java code, you can hide your browser from parentguard! isn't
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technology wonderful!
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i have written a java function which can hide your browser from
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the parentguard software! you will need to use this code in your java
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browser, otherwise, it won't work! to get this code i wrote, visit my
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home page! go to http://deadnakedbabies.net/java/browsers.html!
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haha! catch 22!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> Cindy is my girlfriend. We have been dating for four months and we are
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> both 19 years old. However, every time I bring up the subject of sex,
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> she is firm on the point that she won't sleep with me. Why do you think
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> Cindy won't sleep with me?
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> Fred
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fred!
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fred fred fred!
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there are a lot of problems here!
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i assume that you met cindy through a friend! obviously you have
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been "set up" with someone who is "nice and caring"! this is not the
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kind of person who will give you bang for your buck! she probably wants
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to talk about her "feelings" and "dreams", and things like "lasting,
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fulfilling relationship" and asking you to "care for her needs"! rather
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than take her shopping for lubricants, she wants you to take her for
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walks in the park, romantic dinners, and sunsets on the beach!
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is this the kind of life you are looking for!
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luckily for you, i've been through all this before! woah, i was
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outta there fast! listen, chap! you need to sleep around! the whole
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"steady" relationship model is outdated! modern women have been
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corrupted by web sites like "ivillage.com" and "women.com" and all that!
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they feel "liberated" and "empowered" and all that shit! can you stand
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it! can you! the answer is no! you can't stand it! women need to
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think more like the sex bots us guys want them to be!
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so listen! you're 19! you want to score with younger women!
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(trust me -- you do!) go to some local high schools! attend the
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football games and the friday night dances! you'll find the kinds of
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girls (and cheerleading squads) you need to fill your bed!
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in other words, cindy probably won't ever sleep with you! so,
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find another cindy!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> When I play computer games on my Windows computer, I frequently get a
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> crash. The screen turns blue and I have to turn the whole computer off
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> and back on again to fix it. I recently installed Dr. Watson and want
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> to know if that could be interfering with things. Can you help?
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> Amy
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how the hell did this get into my mailbox!
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i do not provide computer advice!
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actually, i do! get rid of your computer!
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listen! i usually tell people that i will answer any question and
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give free advice! but listen! i don't care about your computer problem!
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i don't want to help you! figure it out yourself and go away!
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i hope this helps!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> I really enjoy your advice column and your bizarre sense of humor.
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> Sometimes it seems like you are insulting people, but I know you just
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> want them to get the best from themselves. I found a web site that does
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> something similar to what you do. Have you been to the forum2000.org
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> web site before? If not, check it out.
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> Janice
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janice! thank you for the kind words! i have not seen the site
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before but thank you for pointing me to it!
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excuse me for a moment while i check this out!
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!
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!
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!
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!
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!
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!
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!
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!
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!
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hey, this site is a lot of fun! son of a bitch! i'm staying home
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from work today so i can play around on this site! the cube! what a
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side-splitter! this website is genius!
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perhaps this web site will give me new ideas for fighting crime!
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thank you, my good friend!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> Lately I've been eating chocolate. Not just a little smidgen, but LOTS
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> AND LOTS of CHOCOLATE! Clyde, I now weigh 200lbs and gaining! I know I
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> should stop, but I can't! I supose I eat chocolate because I can't get
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> sex and because I'm fat I can't get sex, it just isn't possible. This
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> is a vicious cycle! Help me clyde. Should I go on a diet or should I
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> just kill myself now? I mean my family can sell my body to a perfume
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> company. I'm as fat as a whale, in fact, I am a whale! Oh whoe is me.
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> Marjorie
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dear marjorie! whales are beautiful animals! the sounds they
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emit as speech truly soothe the soul! in fact i have a cd at home that
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is just the sounds of the ocean waves and whales! i put it on "repeat"
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when i go to sleep sometimes!
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it makes me sad when there are tv shows about whale hunting! who
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wants to hunt a whale! what the hell good is a dead whale! those things
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are huge and they take up too much real estate when they wash ashore!
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makes me think twice about trying to buy that pacific coast beachfront
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property!
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even though they show those whale hunting shows, i really love the
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discovery channel! i've learned a lot by just watching that show!
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i would love for someone to stage a science experiment where a
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baby human lives his or her life entirely in front of a tv which is tuned
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to the discovery channel! imagine the things we could learn from this
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experiment! no exposure to other humans! not a second of mtv! no "real
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world" or "yo mtv raps" or "road rules"! no "channel surfing"! no video
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games! no state of alabama! no corrupt government! no brainwashing!
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just television -- perhaps the finest technological innovation ever!
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god, almost makes me want to go back to school and work towards a
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ph.d., just so i can work on this project!
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marjorie! thank you for giving me a new direction in life! you
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have motivated me to pursue higher education! cheers!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> Well now, I am very concerned with knowing the answer to this very
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> important question: what is the most important advance of our century
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> (or even millenium?) Thank you kind esteemed sir.
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> Douglas
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sir! i will answer your question!
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however, my kind esteemed colleague, nick, would advise me that
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the millennium still has one more year to go! by the way, you
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mis-spelled "millennium," you jackass!
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but let us talk about some of the most important advances in our
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society for the past 100 and 1000 years!
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let me pause for a moment and remind you that i will not do your
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homework ever again!
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some of my friends might think i would refer to the television as
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one of the finest inventions ever! this is not true!
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no conversation of this kind would be complete without some
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discussion of the fine inventions of the phonograph and the lightbulb!
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now, most people would blabber some drivel like "the phonograph and the
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lightbulb are two of the finest inventions ever"! but this is a bunch of
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cack! the finer invention was actually thomas edison himself! his
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parents, who, without knowing about it in advance, invented thomas
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edison, who was, undoubtedly, one of the most brilliant inventors ever!
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do you like the way i just used six commas in one sentence! ha! i sure
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do!
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honestly though, what could ever be more beautiful than the
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well-used human brain! if only this world had more edisons and
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einsteins! god damn you, jerry springer!
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i won't get into it now, but i have a theory about how jerry
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springer is a direct ancestor of every piece of white trash on this
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planet!
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in any case, one of the best inventions in just the past few years
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is e-commerce! let me tell you something! a little cute graphical
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shopping cart on every web site in the world is my goal! we need to
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launch head-on into a world of buzzword-enabled technology like
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e-business, e-commerce, e-investing, e-petstores, e-bookstores,
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e-drugstores, e-toystores, e-carshopping, e-travelplanning, e-romance,
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and e-dining!
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i am an e-consumer! hear me roar!
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all this self-serving technology has also unfortunately
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transformed society in evil ways! young, geeky boys are learning how to
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set up web sites long before they learn how to maintain a conversation,
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or take a shower! so undoubtedly, the next technology to snap into place
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will be the industry of fertility commerce! using just a mouse and a web
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site, you guys out there can have your sperm shipped to a single woman in
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alaska so she can create a baby eskimo from your popscicle of love! all
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this without one second of social interaction or foreplay!
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all it takes is venture capital to make things happen!
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clyde
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[-----]
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all done here! thanks for sending me your questions! do you want
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your question published here! fire it off in an email to clyde@hoe.nu!
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bye for now!
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[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu HOE #1007, BY CLYDE - 01/22/00 ]
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