472 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
472 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
,...
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$$$$
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$$$$T""P$$$ba, ,gd&P""T&bg. ,gd&P""T&bg.
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""""""""""" $$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$bxxP&$$&P """""""""""
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$$$$ $$$$$$ T$$$$ $$$$P T$$$$
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$$$"""""" " """" $$$$$$ "T&$bxxd$&P" "T&$bxx$$$$$' " """"""$$$
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""" """""" """
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ggg "I Am Not" ggg
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$$$ by - Six $$$
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$$$ $$$
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$$$ [ HOE E-Zine #979 -- 12/18/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ] .,$$$
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`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
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I think back on the last 11 months of 1999 with bitter sentiment.
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Little has happened yet at the same time so very much. I feel like I
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went through more changes in 1999 than I have so far in this lifetime. I
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will never forget 1999. I think it will always be in the back of my mind
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some place between good and bad, I suppose it would fall under the
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category of a necessary learning experience. I went through a lot of
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pain but in the end I feel it all came out for the better. In the
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following paragraphs I will review 1999 and how it has effected me.
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Names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the annoying.
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1998 - Background
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By the end of 1998 I had lost just about every friend in the
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world, through either fault of my own, petty arguments, or just plain
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growing up. I latched myself onto people I thought would take me away
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from what I felt was my previous existence. I wanted to start off with a
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clean slate and become a new person, and so I cleaned.
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January, 1999 - Catharsis
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I began 1999 by organizing my life and my closet. I had dismissed
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99% of my rotten friends as well as 11 jumbo garbage bags of crap from my
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room. I had a box, actually an old Omaha steak cooler, over the years I
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filled it with any sort of memory, this box was over flowing. It took me
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a full week off from work to complete this chore. As I went through each
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notebook, every picture, and birthday card. I re-lived the last 4 years
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of my life over. I realized how different I had become. How entering
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high school I didn't know what French kissing was to losing my virginity
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a year after. I went through a stack of cheating boyfriends, heart
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breaks, and old friends, all into the trash. Among these things, I found
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the list.
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This is a list made when I was about 10 years old with my best
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friend Jewlie. It was titled in crayon, "The Boy I Want To Marry". For
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a 10-year-old I knew what was going on. I stated I wanted a boy to care
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about me and hold my hand, to call me to say good night and enjoy
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spending time with me. Somewhere it hit a nerve. For a very long time I
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had been longing for a sweet guy, someone who actually cared. After
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reading the list and thinking about my current boyfriend Todd, I realized
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I had something I did not want. Instead of ending the relationship as
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logic would dictate, I got it in my mind that I was going to fix him, and
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make him the way I wanted.
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I replaced all my former junk with a fish tank and some new books.
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Closed off January with a friend's 21st birthday party in which I was the
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only sober person.
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February, 1999 - Metamorphosis
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I tried to customize my relationship to the criteria on the list.
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As I already knew but refused to admit to myself, you can not force
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people to change. This force of change resulted in lots of fights. I
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never enjoyed fighting with him, but he thought I did. He accused me of
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starting the fights on purpose to cause a break up. Eventually this mess
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ended in a break-up, which I knew was entirely my fault. I don't feel
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bad Todd and I never worked out, it was completely not meant to be. I
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came out of the relationship with a mission, to find my Dawson Leery. I
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also came out of it with some new friends. My new friends seemed like
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really cool, nice guys. I hung out with them as much as possible. At
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work, I couldn't wait to get home and find out what was going on. Little
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else happened in February, a rather uneventful month.
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March, 1999 - Immaturity and Growing up, the birth of AliCam
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I started March with a bang. I turned 22! Does that mean I'm a
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grown up now? Apparently not. I drank entirely too much at a geek party
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and almost put myself in harm's way. I decided to signify my supposed
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adulthood by acting like a completely jackass. After recovering from
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that episode and getting my head back in place one of my new friends
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became a little more than that. The whole situation baffles me to this
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day. It started then ended for circumstances completely unknown to me,
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and I don't really think I want to know. When I think back on it I don't
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feel hurt, this is unlike me. I think there may have been some third
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party intervention.
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Out of boredom or desperation companionship (even if it was in the
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form of e-mail pen pals), I got my hands on a WebCam, and this is when
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AliCam was born. Probably one of the worst ideas I ever had. Believe it
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or not AliCam and very little impact on my life. It was just a camera
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that was on while I played SIMM City. I suppose the entire thing was
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subconscious and months later I think Jamesy hit the nail on the head
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when he said I craved attention. It turned out to be negative attention,
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but you get what you pay for I suppose.
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AliCam started a little buzz among former friends. Unfortunately
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the buzz gave an ex a reason to talk to me. I<>m rather sure he is one of
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the worst people ever in existence. His mentality is up there with
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Hitler's. He was sneaky, careless, and manipulative as all hell. He's
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managed to hurt just about everyone that's crossed his path, especially
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me. But goddamnit, that Corey Haim smile got me every time. The first
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time we dated started out so nice, then he started to act weird and
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distant. It ended with this statement "I only want you to be my computer
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friend." I decided that he meant he didn't want to be a real friend at
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all, so we stopped talking. Upon his re-emergence into my life, he told
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me that the reason he was not so attentive was because; he had never
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broken up with his previous girlfriend. However, that's all over now and
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he wanted to be friends with me. As I type this I get a terrible sick
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feeling, it kills me that I didn't notice what he was up to. The things
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he did to my mind were unbelievable. And so it began we were just
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friends, he told me about school, I told him about work, and we went to
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the movies. I felt rather content with things as they were. Little did
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I know ominous shadows were lurking around the next corner. <insert
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demonic laughter here>
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April, 1999 - Hesitation
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April came and went, I wanted it to go by quickly. The
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anniversary of my best friend's death arrived and the pain and tears
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returned with a vengeance, it's the sort of thing I think I will never
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recover from. I miss her everyday. Every time I tell a Jewlie story, or
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think about how much humor she would have found in a situation, I feel so
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overwhelmed with anger and sadness that often I just cry myself to sleep.
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Now that I think about it, I am stupid for not thinking more in
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April, really stupid. Rob and I hung out often, after work, on weekends,
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I just thought we were friends. I should have not assumed such a thing.
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A friend of his, Lisa had a break up with her fiance. Rob was so nice
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and helped her out, mowed the lawn and trimmed the hedges. It never even
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occurred to me that he would be helping her out with a few other things
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she wasn't getting now that the fiance was not around. Rob played the
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very romantic roll. He said he was falling for me again. I started to
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fall too, no matter how hard I tried not to. There were conversations
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where I would get an overwhelming feeling of dread. I would say, "I will
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not do this to myself again." I would hang up, he would call back and
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come up with some completely adorable, "but I've changed, baby" story.
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By the end of April, I liked him, I liked the attention and I decided to
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give in. I thought he was my Dawson, now I realize I was more in love
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with the idea of being in love. Which is something I have been very
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guilty of in the past. Some lessons come at a price.
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May, 1999 - The Kiss, First Movement
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Rob's birthday was Cinco de Mayo. I had softball practice after
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work. Rob and his friend Chris were going to watch and then we would go
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out to dinner. When they showed up I was at bat and awfully embarrassed
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because I'm terrible at softball. I will never forget seeing Chris for
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the first time in years. I knew Chris once-upon-a-time, in high school.
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I always thought he was cute but never talked to him much. He gave me a
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hug and complimented my shoes, then made fun of my navel ring. I guess
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they're never completely nice. We decided to go for Mexican food. Rob
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and I drank margaritas Chris watched he didn't want to drink until the
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next week when he turned 21. Sometime that night in a drunken stupor I
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told Rob I loved him, I didn't love him, and it was a very stupid thing
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to say. Then I kissed him another day, which was also stupid. There was
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no feeling, but I pretended there was, no tingles, no passion, just bland
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old lips. Someone once asked me what it was like to have no passion. It
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is probably one of the most awful feelings in the world. The element
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that made it so terrible is that I was longing for passion. When it was
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not coming from the place I went seeking it, I became very depressed. As
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May moved on Rob said I love you to me as well and his demeanor changed.
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Things went from him pursuing me, to me begging to hang out with him. If
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I was very lucky, he would let me go to a baseball game with him and
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Chris. Most of the time we went hiking and we never went out in public,
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I didn't know why.
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June, 1999 - Passion, Regression
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Something inside me said, "If you cook it, they will come."
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Sometime in June, I decided officially, I want to be a chef and this is
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going to happen and I don't care if I make myself poor doing it! Then I
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put that idea aside and forgot about it. I began to get sick of spending
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all my free time with Rob. At work, online I talked to Chris now and
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then, he started to drop hints that Rob was up to no good, Rob began to
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bash Chris to me in retaliation. I gave up on the subject because I
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didn't know who to believe.
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One warm evening, I had stayed up very late cleaning my room. I
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received an email from someone claiming to be the producer of a make over
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show. The guy asked if I wanted a make over! Me on television!?! I was
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so excited, but I took a deep breath and replied to the e-mail. How do I
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know this isn't a joke? The writer returned with a scan of his business
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card and his office number at E, Entertainment Television. I cannot
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describe my excitement in words. It was just what I had always hoped
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for, some person to take my ugly face and paint it pretty. Someone to
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take my gross body and cover it in designer fashion. Ideas ran through
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my head about trendy new hair styles and movie star eyebrows. I was so
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excited I couldn't sleep a wink. About 2:00 am that same night, I
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started chatting with a guy I went to high school with. I had always
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thought of him as a bad boy. After chatting it turned out, he was in the
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same tech school I was after graduation. He also turned out to be nice,
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slightly odd, but nice. It also turned out I was pretty tight with his
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cousin Jeanette. So one night, Jeanette, Tommy and myself went out to a
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local bar. I saw everyone, all the kids that were once my friends and
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blew me off. Those that never spoke a word to me in all 7 years of
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school. I was overwhelmed but I loved it. I'm a cool kid, yippee for
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me!
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As I write more it seems that the majority of my life in 1999
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existed online. Most conversations of any value occurred on instant
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messenger or irc. I'm not sure if that's pathetic or a statement about
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society. Either way staring at the screen all day started to give me
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some major headaches.
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AGAIN online, the friends I had once outgrew found their way back,
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home from college, ready to be grownups. My grudges against them had
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faded and I welcomed their conversation back with open arms. I must
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admit I missed the old jokes, and movies. All of a sudden, I was in high
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school again, I had the same friends, but this time I was also friends
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with the people that wouldn't talk to me. I liked being invited places,
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included. It was great, but I knew it wouldn't last. The people that I
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ate lunch with back in the day were highly offended that I spent so much
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time with my new found friends. They took it as a personal attack that I
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was associating my self with the people that ridiculed them even if all
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the torment occurred more than 4 years ago. My new friends expected too
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much time and too many parties from me. I started to become exhausted
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and accept fewer invitations. After all a girl can only do so much. As
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for Rob, he did not deal well with the lack of attention, and
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invitations.
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Slowly the friends I had made in March, courtesy of the mystery
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guy, drifted back into my life. Andy had written this completely
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hysterical story about "getting some" a few months back. Harry had been
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writing for an e-zine called HOE and suggested Andy submit his story to
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the zine. Once the story was published I began to check out the
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archives. Some of the issues were funny or insightful, others were just
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plain terrible. I wanted to write, but I had no ideas. The very end of
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June, I had my clique of home town friends. Rob was pushed to the back
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burner, I started chatting with those zany e-zine kids some more, and I
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had a possible TV appearance. I was overwhelmed, yet thrilled with how
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things were taking shape.
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July, 1999 - Agony
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July 4th weekend, I hung out with my home town friends. I had
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managed to merge the groups. My once geeky friends tapped kegs along
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with the football players. I was really happy to see that all it took
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was an invitation to each, and that everyone was grown up enough to
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handle it. I think the 4th was one of the best times I had all summer.
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We went to an over look and watched the New York City Fireworks, then we
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drove around and checks out all those "haunted" spots we always used to
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drive by back in the day. I felt included. It was just amazing. Rob,
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did not like this at all, he made fun of me for enjoying activities that
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did not involve passing out drunk.
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Soon after I had a HOE text file published. Harry was kind enough
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to invite me to go to the e-zine conference the next weekend. Monday, I
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get an email that the make over wasn't going to happen. Screw E!
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Tuesday, Rob tells me he doesn't want me to go to the zine conference.
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He offered no explanation, I guess he felt threatened. Screw Rob! Chris
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later told me Rob thought I would realize what a scum bag he is once I
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had some time to think about it. The funny part is I really didn't think
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about Rob at all.
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I had a great time at the conference, I met people that I<>m sure
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will make an impression on me for years to come. Good or bad impressions
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I will never reveal, but I'm sure I will never forget some of the
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characters that crossed my path that weekend. I returned home to a few
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nasty messages from the local gang. Apparently I didn't have permission
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to go away for the weekend. What is up with people feeling they have the
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ability to control me. I realized after a couple of petty fights that
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these friends were no more.
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So I started to become more and more depressed as it occurred me
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that Rob was the only "friend" I had. I was going to return to the
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torture of life with Rob. This is when it got really bad. I finally got
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the nerve to ask him why I never met his friends. His reply was shocking
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and was the most insulting thing I had ever heard. He said, "You're fat,
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I am embarrassed to be seen in public with you. If you lost some weight
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you would be cute and then I could let you meet my friends." There was a
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lot more to it, the conversation lasted several hours. It sent me into a
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whirl wind of emotion that I'm very surprised I came out of. In reality,
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this was also the best thing Rob ever said to me. I started to exercise
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excessively and eat very little. I lost a bunch of weight and didn't
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feel much better for it. I tried very hard to his negative comments into
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something positive. He said those words only to hurt me. Rob knew it
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would get to me and drive me crazy and he took pleasure in that. I am
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very happy to say there was one positive aspect. The only good part was,
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Chris. Exercise involved going to Chris's condo with Rob because there
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was a gym there. While I rode exercise bikes and the boys used the
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weights Rob would often throw out insulting comments. Chris would
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reprimand him for being a jerk, to no avail. I developed a little soft
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spot for Chris over time. I think a few kind words were just the boost I
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needed. I felt a little better.
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One evening in late July I got a call from that first "cool kid" I
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made friends with online. This was first one in weeks. He informed me
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the elementary school wise-ass, Jim would be up visiting. We decided it
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was only appropriate to show Jim a good time. And god was it a good
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time. I was glad to have friends that had nothing to do with dating at
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all. I returned home a bit tipsy and too hyper to sleep. I sat down to
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my computer and found a drunk Chris online. I confessed a little crush
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on him and said I wanted to know him. Finally I did something smart,
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even if it did take 10 beers to get it out of me.
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It was about time I made some changes.
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August, 1999 - The Kiss, Second Movement
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I removed Rob from my life. I concluded that he was no good for
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me. A terrible manipulative person, that got joy out of tormenting me.
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I was going to dedicate August to ME. I started cooking more and more,
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painting more. A woman I had randomly met put a painting of mine in her
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art gallery, I was shocked. Someone even bought it for 50 dollars.
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Chris and I had made a bet on some baseball games a month before. I won,
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so he had to make me dinner. He made a very nice meal, I was impressed.
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We watched a movie and I went home, leaving with a hug. However, I was
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content. August began what I consider a new chapter of my life. I was
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finally able to incorporate all aspects of myself into one life. I used
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to live a few months as the big mouth Jersey girl. Then the next few as
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an artist and so on. As much as I hate to say it, I can thank Rob for
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this. In his efforts to control me he slowly wiped away each layer of my
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personality leaving me with a clean slate.
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As luck would have it just as I was blank, every part of me came
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back at the same time and found their own places in the puzzle. There I
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was, a complete girl, with a job, a goal, a few hobbies and a ton of
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friends. I had never been happier until about a week later. Chris
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invited me over, we rented Varsity Blues, I had already seen it but I
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enjoy that scene with Scott Kaan's tush. The movie was over, Chris, I
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were chit-chatting, and then it happened. That look, the one you see in
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the movies and on Dawson's Creek. There was a slow nervous approach,
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every part of me was shaking, and then the kiss. It was the most amazing
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feeling, I got light headed and forgot where I was. When I came to, I
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just wanted more. When I got in the car to leave, I squealed with
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excitement. I couldn't believe this was happening. On August 10th,
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Chris asked me to be his girlfriend. At this time, I'm not saying
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anything more about Chris I will merely summarize.
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Chris is the most wonderful guy I have ever met, I love everything
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about him and I am so happy that things happened like they did. He has
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been supportive of me through everything, I hope I am never with out him.
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Sometime in August, I forget exactly when.. A lot of crazy things
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went down. Apparently Tommy's fiance was cheating on him all over the
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place with people he thought were his friends. I found out and got the
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bright idea to send him to a place where he could catch her in the act.
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I hate cheaters I couldn't believe she was doing that to my friend and I
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wanted her to stop. Unfortunately Tommy freaked. He just took off,
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ditched his car and rode his bike to the shore. He was missing for two
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days. I was at Chris' house for the weekend and I was keeping tabs on the
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Tommy situation via voice mail messages from his brother. Sometime on
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Sunday I get the message that they found Tommy totally over dosing
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somewhere in Asbury Park. After being comatosed for a few days Tommy
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didn't make it. Everyone blamed me, not the cheating girlfriend that
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broke his heart. Just the person that decided to be truthful. Needless
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to say, I don't have those friends anymore. I say screw em. I don't
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need people like that in my life. There are much more important things to
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worry about.
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My Grandmother has lived next-door to me my entire life. I made a
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point of visiting her as often as possible. I took out her garbage
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weekly and every August I cleaned her drapes. This was an all day
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project, I always looked forward to spending the day with Grandma. She
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told me stories about my town before there were roads, how she met my
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grandfather and what a goofy kid my dad was. This year was different and
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it worried me. She made comments like, "It's a good life." Then she
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went on to tell me how she loved me and I should always remember that.
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There was a funny smell in the house.
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September, 1999 - Capitulate
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The week after Labor Day one night around 11, the doors were
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slamming. I hate that my mother always slams the doors. I got out of
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bed to yell and saw a frantic look on my Dad's face. Then there were
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sirens. Grandma had fallen and cut open her legs, her legs had sever
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edema (that puffy swelling people with arthritis get from lack of
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circulation). They were sort of oozing, I couldn't go look, I knew it
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was better I didn't. She was in the hospital for a little over a week,
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got her legs fixed up and she came home. Grandma had also been
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incontinent and not telling anyone. A friend of the family, Jennifer 19
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years old was doing the clean up and not telling anyone. Monday was
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Grandmas birthday, I told her about Chris as she sat in her new recliner.
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Her feet were in bandages but she looked pale.
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Thursday, the hurricane came, I got out of work a little early,
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driving in it was terrifying. Everything was flooding, trees coming
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down, I went to Chris' it was closer than home. I worried about home all
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||
night. Friday the storm cleared, but the clouds and water lurked all
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||
over the landscape. This was the weekend Chris was coming home to meet
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my parents and celebrate my fathers birthday. On the drive home we saw a
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Llama in a field. I gave my dad his present and we had cake that my mom
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made with olive oil. Saturday night we went to the nicest Italian
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||
restaurant in town. It's full of old men in bowling shirts and their
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||
wives in double knit pant's suits. Dean Martin played in the background
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||
and I enjoyed some of the best Lasagna I've ever had. I returned home to
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that face on my father. I was informed Grandma was dehydrated, and that
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||
they just took her in to get some liquid into her. Then she took a turn
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||
for the worst. She died at 11:00 p.m.. I don't like funerals at all I
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||
think they're sick. Nevertheless, I went because she would have liked
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||
that. I hated the weeks to come, sorting through Grandma's belongings,
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||
deciding what memories I wanted to take with me. The memory space in my
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||
closet was soon filled by old Omaha steak coolers full of crystal. I put
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||
her kitchen on my wall, two collector's plates and these pink wooden
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||
spoons. They will always remind me of Grandpa. A Concertina belonging
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||
to my Great-grandfather is in my corner, and the plastic bird that hung
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||
in his parrot's cage hangs from my wall. The opal ring I saw on my
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||
Grandmother's hand every day is now in a box on my dresser, someday it
|
||
will be on my hand, when I'm ready. I traded and bartered for all the
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||
little memories and we locked to doors of her house. Soon it will be
|
||
sold to some stranger. The place where I was a bambina, always a child,
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||
is now gone.
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||
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October, 1999 - Primogeniture
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||
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||
Being the oldest it has always been my job to be the strong
|
||
responsible one. There was no place for me to find myself. I started to
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||
have dreams about my teeth falling out, fear of change, insecurity. Well
|
||
that's for damn sure. I have slowly become a grown up with out intending
|
||
to. October was spent supporting my parents. I had hellish nightmares.
|
||
In all honesty, there is very little to say about October, I spent it
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||
crying.
|
||
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||
November, 1999 - Resolution
|
||
|
||
I suppose this is merely a sign of the year winding down. Things
|
||
got slower, I started to think about Christmas shopping. Which proudly I
|
||
finished on November 26th. Thanksgiving passed with the usual nasty
|
||
family argument, then we watched Forest Gump and all was right with the
|
||
world. On November 27th I celebrated the 9th anniversary of my life
|
||
online. I also consider it the day I stopped being a child. I watched A
|
||
Christmas Story as per ritual and went to bed wishing I was still 12.
|
||
|
||
December, 1999 - Denouement
|
||
|
||
AS WE STAND ON THE BRINK OF A NEW MILLENIUM...
|
||
|
||
I wonder, are all those hill-billies going to flip out over Y2K. I
|
||
can't believe that I managed to come out of 1999 a stronger person not
|
||
the weak emotional mess such a year would have made me in the past. I
|
||
don't regret anything that has happened, merely that I didn't get more
|
||
done. December is just beginning, but I'm sure little will happen, that
|
||
just seems to be the way with this time of year. This weekend Chris is
|
||
coming over and we will put up the Christmas decorations. I will listen
|
||
to the Chipmunks Christmas Album, sing along and dance. I suppose I will
|
||
grow up to be one of those adults always trying to get a grab on
|
||
childhood because I was forced to act grown up when I didn't even
|
||
understand what I was doing.
|
||
|
||
I'm not a big fan of self analysis, but this year was so crazy I
|
||
couldn't resist. The whole time I wrote this I felt like Angela from "My
|
||
So-Called Life" thinking so much but never really paying attention to
|
||
what's going on. So I decided to ask myself:
|
||
|
||
"Why are you like this?"
|
||
"Like what?"
|
||
"Like how you are?"
|
||
|
||
After this year I've realized I've always been a pawn to my
|
||
environment. I took what I was given and never tried to force changes.
|
||
I never acted like my self I merely acted how people wanted me to. I
|
||
think more changes are in order, maybe a little more closet cleaning. I
|
||
think if I could go back I would only change one thing. I would have
|
||
been with Tommy the night I sent him to the bar. I should have been
|
||
there.
|
||
|
||
I am not what everyone wants me to be. I am Alicia someone most
|
||
people know nothing about. I think it's time to devote my time to
|
||
figuring myself out. So, instead of just the month of August, the year
|
||
2000 is dedicated to me.
|
||
|
||
Today at work it was suggested to me I may be up for a promotion.
|
||
It's not cooking, but I'm not so sure about that goal anymore. I hope
|
||
the promotion goes through. Maybe it won't, who knows, that's what I
|
||
like about the future--it's full of surprises.
|
||
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #979, BY SIX - 12/18/99 ]
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