78 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
78 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
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(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)
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(*) (*) * (*)~*~(*) HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #899
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* 0 0 ~ 0 *
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~ 0 0 ~* *~ 0 hOGS ~ "A Love Letter to AIDS"
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( 0*~*~*0 ( ) 0*~*~ oF )
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~ 0 0 ~ ~ 0 eNTROPY ~ by Phairgirl
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* 0 0 * * 0 * 11-7-99
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(*) (*) ~ (*)~*~(*)
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(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)
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Dearest Jarett:
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And so it begins, I suppose, the way all things begin. There's not
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much around me anymore, nothing more useful than some old nail polish
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remover and unused, much-needed sleeping pills. It's the little things that
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kill, wasn't that said by one of those great philosophers you spend your
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life striving to emulate? Or is it merely the passion that drives you like
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a force, unbeknownst to all, including yourself? I'm doing a lot of
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speculation here, Jarett, although it's fair to note you will never attempt
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to clear it up.
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There's not a lot of light here, and it's hard to see with these
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tinted lenses, but I'm seeing clearly enough to understand. And I
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understand more than you know.
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I can't fully recollect when I began to appreciate the swirling
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nonsense, the uncollected spewage that surrounded me. Perhaps it was the
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beauty of truly evaluating another's existence that drew me in further. The
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reasons could be endless at this point, but I'm not paying any attention. I
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know only one thing, and that is sleep, and my complete lack of it that
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forces me to look closer at so many things that I've never bothered with
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before. Perhaps I'm taking one too many lessons from those who understand
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this phenomenon much more deeply than I do.
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Ahhh, and that sleep I do recall so fondly, sleep from which I
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further disconnect and misunderstand. I choose this, I choose the insanity
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and the free-form frolic through nightmarish awake-states and serene sleep.
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I spend my days shoveling shit from one mouth to the next, peddling one life
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for another, only to keep Master Card and Lady Visa off my back for one more
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day. It all seems like such a waste, such a life in the void. Yet somehow,
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Jarett, I think you have worn these shoes, maybe not on the same plane, but
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somewhere.
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I don't even seem to care in my current state of mind about how you
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push me around, sneaking the jabs when I'm out of range, secretly vying for
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this life. Not the full life, of course, but only the easy life, the fun
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life, the envious life. Envy should not drive anyone, and certainly not
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you. You deserve more than simply wanting that which belongs to another.
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Your needs outweigh the desires of a few, and no one is to say you're not in
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the right. However, you're not the only one with those desires, and somehow
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you must accept that you cannot have all that you want in this world, not
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even you.
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And yet it all comes back to sleep again, since nothing else is
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closer to my mind at this moment than you, because my mind can handle little
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else at this hour. I hear the bells. They're chiming in my head, they
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start nowhere, they lead nowhere. They're only around to drive me crazy...
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but that's not the plan here. Instead I relax, unwind, close my eyes, deal
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with the here and now, ignore the cacophany filling my mind with excess
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garbage. I am refusing to dispose of it. I'm full of it. Sometimes, I
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think a little too much. But that's part of myself, I'm dealing with
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myself, I can't help myself. I get in the car and drive. I'm gone. I have
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escaped. I am nowhere. I am everywhere!
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Truth in the lies, a sight beyond eyes, a smile beyond reach, a
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subtle disguise... overused cliches and a bottle of pills, no money to spend
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on everything I buy. And that's why I look to you, my sweet Jarett, and
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everything means nothing, but you force it to anyway. I'm travelling to
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another home for you, and I know you will be there.
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I will wait.
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--Summer
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(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)
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( *(c) hOGS oF eNTROPY pRESS* HOE #899 ~ WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL ~ 11/7/99 )
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