160 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
160 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)
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(*) (*) * (*)~*~(*) HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #890
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* 0 0 ~ 0 *
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~ 0 0 ~* *~ 0 hOGS ~ "Clyde Teaches You Assholes
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( 0*~*~*0 ( ) 0*~*~ oF ) A Lesson"
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~ 0 0 ~ ~ 0 eNTROPY ~ By: Clyde
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* 0 0 * * 0 * 10-23-99
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(*) (*) ~ (*)~*~(*)
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(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)
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notice! it is now time for me to show you people what happens when
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nobody sends me questions! my name is clyde! i provide an email-based free
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advice service! you can write to me at askclyde@usa.net! but it seems
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not too many people are doing this! how do you expect me to keep
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submitting exciting, entertaining content to this fine e-zine without your
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support!
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in order to show my disdain for your ignorance of me, i have made up
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all of these questions below! the intent is to disappoint! do you want
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your problems answered here! if so, just email me! i will take the time to
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listen to you, and provide some useful suggestions! get a clue! it can't
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get any easier!
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> Should I grow up? Sometimes I feel like I'm just a little baby.
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>
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> Norman
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dear norman!
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you are a big baby! if you need to ask a stupid-ass question like
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"should i grow up," then the answer should be obvious! get a clue, stop
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reading comic books, stop eating froot loops, stop wearing double-u-double-
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u-eff t-shirts, and start acting like a real man!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> My boyfriend Norman is immature. I think he should grow up. I talk to
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> him about this but he NEVER LISTENS and NEVER DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I
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> want him to change, or I just won't love him anymore. What should I do?
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>
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> Pat
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pat!
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i like your name! i can't tell if you are a male or female, but that
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does not matter! what you need to do is give normal a big list of things
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you want him to change! you can't just say "change!" and expect your
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demands to be met!
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like, one time, i was holding up a taco bell! i gave them an exact
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list of everything i wanted! for your enjoyment, here is the list!
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hey taco bell! i got a hot one for ya! here is my list of demands!
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1. give me the taco bell dog, dead, in a cotton sack!
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2. give me a lifetime supply of free burritos!
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3. stop putting those damn silly, ugly, worthless "drop a coin in
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here and if it lands in the right spot, you might win a prize!"
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scam boxes!
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4. stop hiring employees who only speak spanish! when i place my
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order with them, they do not understand what i am saying! this
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angers me! i just want a "bean burrito"! god damn it, feed me!
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do not make me learn your primitive tongue just so i can have my
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lunch!
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5. i noticed you started using those cheaper brown napkins! they are
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ugly! can't you guys afford anything that's premium quality! the
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ground beef, straws, plastic ware, napkins, trays, employees --
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all of it is below par! i leave your restaurants unsatisfied!
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6. your menus are ugly! fix them!
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7. every taco bell parking lot i have ever seen suffers from a lack
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of geometrical research! do you call that a parking lot! why not
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give my 3-year-old a bucket of white paint and a brush! he can do
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a better job! for example, every parking space in the lot should
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probably be the exact same width! consider the sub-intellectuals
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who frequent your restaurant! do you think they will be able to
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figure out that their car does not fit next to mine, even though i
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wisely avoided the misproportionate space to my left in favor of
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this nearly-correct parking allocation! no! they won't! they
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don't have a clue! they see two white lines in a parking lot, so
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they attempt to jam their car in, no matter what! this is
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completely unacceptable! fix this problem or there will be
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consequences!
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8. your product known as "cinnamon twists" are a total joke! get rid
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of them! i would rather have some child swallow a spoonful of
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cinnamon and sneeze on me than eat those damn cinnamon twists you
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make!
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pat! i hope this gives you some ideas! not all of my demands were
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met, but at least i left the restaurant with a free meal!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> I work at Taco Bell. I'm pretty smart, and I get a lot of A's on my
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> report cards, but I just feel like I have no future. What should I do?
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>
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> Tammi
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hello!
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i understand your problem! i am sorry this is how you feel! please
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consider the fact that you need to get through high school before you can
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accomplish anything in this world! as silly as that is, it is the destiny
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that has been pre-determined for your convenience!
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can you get me some free food!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> I work at a fast food restaurant. My friends keep coming in and asking
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> me to give them free food. I don't want to get in trouble, or lose my
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> job. But I like my friends a lot and I hate it when they tease me for
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> being so honest. What should I do?
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>
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> Shane
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dear shane!
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do you really think you have a future in the fast food business! if
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so, then your problem is worse than you think!
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if you want to move on and do something better with your life, why
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not go out with a bang! one day, just go to work and get a bunch of food!
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then give it all to your friends! make sure to choose the really expensive
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stuff! do this when the restaurant is completely busy, and your manager
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is watching! you will then get fired, which accomplishes all of your
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goals! remember, this is not a crime! it is a means to an end! everyone
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is a winner!
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clyde
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[-----]
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i hope this boring column will teach you assholes a lesson! remember
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this! people have real problems! clyde has real answers! ask clyde!
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have a great day!
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(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)
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( *(c) hOGS oF eNTROPY pRESS* HOE #890 ~ WRITTEN BY: CLYDE ~ 10/23/99 )
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