158 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
158 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #867
|
|
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
|
|
888 888 888 888 888 "How to Properly Judge Music:
|
|
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 A Rebuttal to Phairgirl"
|
|
888 888 888 888 888 " by Quarex
|
|
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 10/9/99
|
|
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
|
|
Well, well, well. So, miss Hoe-Editor thinks she is all important
|
|
now, and can go bashing any song she wants, claiming that they are some of
|
|
the worst five songs ever written!
|
|
|
|
I have news for all of you.
|
|
|
|
*I* AM THE ONLY PERSON QUALIFIED TO RATE MUSIC ON THE PLANET.
|
|
|
|
I will begin where you did, at number five.
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER FIVE:
|
|
|
|
You claim Type O Negative's cover of "Summer Breeze" is the fifth
|
|
worst song ever, based on the fact that the original was a "no-name
|
|
one-hit-wonder AM-radio-bullshit band that nobody remembers."
|
|
|
|
WELL, YOU GODDAMN FUCKING PIECE OF DOG SHIT, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
|
|
THE ORIGINAL "SUMMER BREEZE" WAS WRITTEN BY SEALS & CROFTS. YOU JUST MIGHT
|
|
REMEMBER SOME OF THEIR OTHER FUCKING TOP 10 HITS, LIKE "HUMMINGBIRD," "THE
|
|
BOY DOWN THE ROAD," AND OF FUCKING COURSE, MOTHER FUCKING "SAY." SEALS &
|
|
CROFTS IS A FUCKING FANTASTIC BAND, GOD DAMMIT, AND TYPE O NEGATIVE'S COVER
|
|
WAS FUCKING GREAT, TOO, THOUGH NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS THE CLASSIC FUCKING
|
|
ORIGINAL.
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER FOUR:
|
|
|
|
Apparently, Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" is the fourth worst song
|
|
ever. YOU DO NOT EVEN FUCKING GET IT. "YOU'RE SO VAIN, I BET YOU THINK
|
|
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU. . ." HELLO!? THE SONG IS DIRECTED AT THE
|
|
PERSON SHE IS SINGING ABOUT, IE, THE PERSON WHO SHE IS CALLING VAIN. OF
|
|
COURSE THE SONG IS ABOUT HIM! IT HAS A SUBJECT! THE SUBJECT IS THE PERSON
|
|
WHO IS VAIN! SO HE IS NOT VAIN, BECAUSE THE SONG TRULY IS ABOUT HIM!
|
|
|
|
GOD!
|
|
|
|
Okay, so I agree, that song fucking blows.
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER THREE:
|
|
|
|
"Nookie" is the third worst song ever? Whatever. Though I do not
|
|
particularly mind hearing it, I will just go along with that quietly.
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER TWO:
|
|
|
|
Kathmandu? Bob Seger? What the fuck kind of shit have you been
|
|
listening to all these years?
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER ONE:
|
|
|
|
Wow, I have never heard of this song, either.
|
|
|
|
BUT DAMN, I HAVE TO TAKE OFFENSE TO YOUR OTHER CHOICES:
|
|
|
|
RAMBLIN' MAN? GOD DAMMIT, THE FUCKING ALLMAN BROTHERS KICK MY
|
|
FUCKING ASS ALL THE WAY TO GOLGOTHA. LORD, I was BORN a RAMBLIn' MAN! GOD
|
|
DAMMIT, IT IS SO TRUE.
|
|
|
|
Oh god, you fucking bitch. Give me a fucking break. MR. ROBOTO is
|
|
perhaps the GREATEST FUCKING SONG EVER WRITTEN. JESUS CHRIST. IT IS A SONG
|
|
ABOUT A FUTURISTIC SOCIETY RULED ENTIRELY BY JAPANESE SPEAKING ROBOTS,
|
|
INFILTRATED BY A SINGLE ROCK & ROLL HERO FROM THE PAST! THAT IS THE
|
|
GREATEST FUCKING IDEA EVER!
|
|
|
|
Never heard Sister Christian.
|
|
|
|
Though I did kinda like "Keep the Faith" by Bon Jovi.
|
|
|
|
Never heard those songs, either.
|
|
|
|
Now, if you want to know what the ACTUAL worst five songs ever are,
|
|
here you go.
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER FIVE: "SMILE" by Vitamin C.
|
|
|
|
This song exemplifies everything that is wrong with the music
|
|
industry today as a whole. Clearly, this song has as much musical value and
|
|
brilliant lyrical insight as a bag of Rasputin's rotting flesh. No, far
|
|
less than that.
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER FOUR: "NO SCRUBS" by TLC
|
|
|
|
Well, where can I possibly fucking start with a song this awful?
|
|
Hmm, let me begin by analyzing the grammar structure of their lyrics.
|
|
|
|
"I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy who can't get no love from
|
|
me."
|
|
|
|
By eliminating the double negatives, we find:
|
|
|
|
"I want scrubs, scrubs are guys who can get love from me."
|
|
|
|
Great, TLC, just fucking great. What fantastic fucking role-models
|
|
you are. I hope your next song goes something like "ME GOTS MONEYS YOU BAD
|
|
STAY BACK FROM US."
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER THREE: "ANY FUCKING SONG I EVER PERFORMED" by Mase.
|
|
|
|
I realize the "asleep at the mic" style of rap was pioneered by
|
|
Notorious B.I.G., and advanced by Puff Daddy, but only Mase truly mastered
|
|
the art of making absolutely no effort to sound the least bit interested in
|
|
what he was saying. Busta Rhymes, by contrast, is clearly the greatest
|
|
rapper the world has ever seen.
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER TWO: "DOWN" by 311.
|
|
|
|
I confess, the first I ever heard of this song was the last 10
|
|
seconds or so of it, and I liked it. However, when I heard the entire song,
|
|
something quite unfortunate occurred to me. This absolute tripe was being
|
|
called "the new metal" on MTV. This song has roughly as much in common with
|
|
metal as I have in common with a tube steak.
|
|
|
|
|
|
NUMBER ONE:
|
|
|
|
Clearly, there is no real way to pin down the worst song ever
|
|
released. However, I can certainly take a stab at it.
|
|
|
|
I am going to have to go ahead and say that there can be no truly
|
|
absolutely worst song ever. In order to obtain that rank, a song would have
|
|
to be beyond horrible, beyond. . . OH MY FUCKING GOD. WHY DID I NOT SEE IT
|
|
SOONER? THE WORST SONG EVER IS "DEAR MISTER JESUS" BY THAT LITTLE FUCKING
|
|
GODDAMN BITCH. OH GOD. I STILL LOATHE THE FACT THAT A SONG CALLED "DEAR
|
|
MISTER JESUS" MADE THE TOP FUCKING TEN OR MAYBE EVEN MORE.
|
|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
And there are lots of runners-up, of course, including all the other
|
|
songs 311 released, all the songs Sugar Ray has done since their first
|
|
album, when they still had some kind of merit, most things Celine Dion has
|
|
ever released, anything by any R&B artist [specifically Toni Braxton,
|
|
Jennifer Lopez, D'Angelo, R. Kelly, and the band that released the song
|
|
"Where's my Girl's at?"], and of course, Lassie.
|
|
|
|
Help.
|
|
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #867 - WRITTEN BY: QUAREX - 10/9/99 ]
|