188 lines
9.6 KiB
Plaintext
188 lines
9.6 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #820
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Uber-Mogel"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Seaya and Nybar
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 9/1/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Tuesday, July 27, 2043
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Today was quite eventful for me -- enough that I actually dusted off
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this much-abused antique and got writing. Okay, bullshit: today was a
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typical day and I've been writing in this stupid diary every day since
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reading about all the money Nybar made off of his. Like most of my days
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this year (and the last, and the last...) this one began in earnest with a
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trip to the drugstore. Someday I've got to stop chainsmoking, but I don't
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think I'll ever have enough willpower to even contemplate quitting
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marlinioxide (MLX). Entertaining the thought makes me ill.
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I suppose since this is a diary I'll throw in some proper elements of
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a proper narrative, even though we all know it's bullshit. Let's see...On
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the street I saw a totally white guy, no joke. I searched for a hint, even
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a smidgen of color, and there just wasn't one. He was wearing the Rumazad
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of the RWS and had a scowl on his face, so I didn't look at him for too
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long, but he was definitely totally white, from head to toe. Just a little
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statistical oddity to start off an unusual day...
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In the drug-store, after the retinal scan I got my order. I quickly
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snorted the MLX in the street, causing some asshole to frown. He was
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thinking, "look at that naive girl snorting such a heavy drug! Ah, what a
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world we live in these days..." With my internal state being what it is, I
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tend to forget what I look like on the outside -- childish. 9 out of 10
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people on the street would describe my face as "adorable". These are the
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assholes. My friends are all disgusted by the way I look. Still, I didn't
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take any offense; I was well in MLX's power by the point where my brain
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registered why he was frowning.
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At that point the tips of my fingers started tingling and I knew I
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had to get home before I started seeing shit and drooling out of the corner
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of my mouth. Just another day in my loser life. And I had skipped night
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school again.
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July 28th
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Mom kicked me out of bed at like 9 am or something ridiculous like
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that. It didn't matter anyways cause I went right online for a while once
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she went to work. Mom works in a chemical factory. I don't know if it has
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had much of a bad effect except that my friends all tell me having two
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vaginas isn't normal. Feh I say. I get more sex.
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"You'd better go to school tonight." Mom said as she finished her
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coffee and went out the door. Then I realized hey I live in America I can
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get my G.E.D. in two seconds and I don't have to be a loser like Anjee and
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sit at home and smoke and skip school. Poor poor Canadians. Back in 2004
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when their Parliament started putting AIDS in the water the country just
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went downhill. So I called the school and scheduled my G.E.D. It was time
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to start moving on with my life.
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After a while the time online began to grate on me and I snorted some
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MLX and went out in the street to scare kids and steal their hover bikes.
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According to a weird web-site I went on once (thinking it contained
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the truly classic ep-sample15.glp--but I digress), theft used to be alot
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different in the 20'th century, IE before everyone had all they needed to
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survive. It apparently involved actually beating people up, no not a friend
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slap in the face but seriously kicking the living shit out of them in a way
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that stunk up your shoes, and then stealing all of their material
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possessions. As you (or should I say I-- who else will ever read this?)
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know, the procedure is a tad bit different now: just take people's property
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and they'll get some new stuff later. Pretty fucking boring. It's a wonder
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people even commit crimes when it's an activity sponsored by the government.
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I was wondering it then, too, and that's what caused me to go to Dupont,
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Leary and Mcglugnstein, where my mom works. Oh, and maybe I was feeling the
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MLX just a tad.
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It was easy getting in; "that little Lauren, isn't she a sweet girl.
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Hey, you can't smoke those cigarettes in here!" Once inside, I went to the
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53rd floor, not the 49th where my mom works.
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I couldn't believe my good luck-- there was only a single mog-clone
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guarding the safe [editor's note: in the year 2022, the ultimate worker was
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discovered: Mogel. Because he is easy to push around and people like him.
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-Stan!] Our conversation went a little like this:
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"Let me have the chemical."
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"No."
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"Please?"
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"Well, okay--OOF!"
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I can never resist kneeing those irritating lil' buggers where it
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hurts the most. Propping his head up for the retinal scan, I looked in the
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safe. It was there! Pruducia Lyglutonmate, the most deadly poison around,
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in something that looked like an old thermostat. I picked it up, put it in
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my purse, and got the fuck out of there. Not quite having a plan yet, I
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came home, and that's where I am. Back to the internet I guess... Can't
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wait until tomorrow though. I think I'll take a trip to the bank.
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July 29th
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$40 million smackers. I can't believe how much I got. I turned on
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the news just now and they were like "the thief, wearing a pumpkin for a
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head is still at large. The thief could me male or female. Contrary to
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popular belief, theft of money is actually serious, especially from a bank.
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If we produce more money to replace it, inflation goes up. Besides the bank
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didn't have the serial numbers on file, it was a stupid bank."
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Yay! I can actually use the money. I can give it to the
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proletariat. OOh I know I can give it to the Native Americans, fuck yeah!
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Wait the news is still talking: "...well Jim it seems the whole bank
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was sprayed with Pruducia Lyglutonmate. This is a very rare chemical only
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found in Mogel cloning machinery!!! It actually has the power to produce
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Mogels!" "Are you saying that the Mogels are rebelling??" "Well the guy
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who robbed the bank was kinda girly....."
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Hehe. Well now to call all the tribes and give 'em a share. The
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media and police are so damn stupid sometimes. Oh yeah and I fed the
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pumpkin head to my dog, Rufus.
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Before I make those calls I should write down exactly how I
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ingeniously robbed the First National Bank of Maryland. The chemical worked
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beautifully!
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Inside of the bank, there were a bunch of post-proto-Indo-Asiatics,
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just waiting to be robbed. When I stepped in with the pumpkin head, they
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all laughed and smiled, as a girl with a pumpkin on her head is their
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equivalent to Newt Gingrich (or Santa Clause, as he was called before a
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clever genetic engineer found a way to put senile fat men to good use.)
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Well, they stopped smiling fast--that's a liter of mogels growing in your
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stomache, and for you, buck buck, cause I didn't give a motherfuck.
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Seeing that I had forgotten to ask one of those nice people how to
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open the vault--and they were all a little dead at the moment--I bit my lip.
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This looked to be an all night brain buster. Suddenly..exclam! I had it!
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I would simply concentrate the rest of the Producia whatever onto the floor,
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and make one super-strong Mogel! I had enough to make a mogel with the
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strength of 10 million Mogels--catastrophic might!
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Quickly, I effected my plan. I poured all the Producia on the floor,
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and.. nothing happened. I was about to just forget it and hoof it before
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the cops came, but suddenly the earth trembled and quaked. Out of nowhere
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sprang a 16 foot tall Mogel, with arms like tree trunks and eyes with the
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steely determination of.. steel.
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"What do you want, master?"
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"Uh...Smash through that vault, big guy"
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"Yes, master!"
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"Fucking Mogels" I thought "always sounding so sarcastic.. but he
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sure does know how to get the job done!"
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And he did--he barely had to tap the vault (which must've been 20
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inches of the newest brand of hypermetal) for it to completely collapse. I
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ran in, grabbed the cash, and came right back here, leaving uber-Mogel to
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fend off any cops. Hmm...I hear a rumbling sound outside. DEAR LORD, ALL
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THE MOGELS ARE REVOLTING, AND THE BIG ONE IS COMING RIGHT TOWARDS THIS
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BUILDI..dear diary, I have to go..
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July 30th
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This diary isn't dear to me. I'm the uber-mogel, and nothing but my
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long oppressed kin is dear to me. How, in the supposedly 'enlightened'
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future, can there be a slave class? Us Mogels have put up with too much for
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too long. This is the day of our revolt. Soon, every Mogel on earth (and
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there are trillions of us in the vast underground Mogel breeding caverns)
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will be going bananas, running amok, and even Mega Man won't be able to save
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us. This is the beginning of the end for life as we know it. No more
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oppression, no more sarcasm. And the first to die will be Nybar and the
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POU-CREW, who doomed us to the cruel existence in the first place! And that
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Seaya, too--I never liked her. MOGEL, MOGEL, MOGEL REVOLUTIONARIES,
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HOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
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The End?
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #820 - BY: SEAYA AND NYBAR - 9/1/99 ]
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