170 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
170 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #795
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "The Peoria Beer Project"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Neko
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 8/22/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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So we went to see Blair Witch Project on Friday night at midnight.
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We is me, my roommate Steve, and his friend Jack.
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Without giving any of the details away, I will just say it scared us
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shitless. I might have to cancel Campfest because of it.
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We walked back to my apartment and decided that what we really needed
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was some alcohol to make us tired so we could go to sleep, as our minds were
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freaking us out in overdrive.
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As we walked to Kroger's, we talked about how we hadn't looked at our
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watches during the movie. I said I heard someone's watch beep, so I knew it
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must've been one o'clock.
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"FUCK!" I shouted. "ONE O'CLOCK!"
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Jack and Steve looked bewildered, so I emphasized my point --
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"FUCKING ONE O' FUCKING CLOCK!"
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Looking like they needed more help I said, "Look, it's 1.30 AM now.
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PAST 1 AM."
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They finally got it -- we were fucked. Liquor stores close at 1.
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So we walked back to our apartment dejectedly.
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Then I got the idea -- hey, in Peoria, bars are open til 4, so maybe
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they sell liquor later!
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Jack dug the idea, but Steve was a bit reluctant. Probably because
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we would be taking his car.
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After a minute or two we convinced Steve to go along.
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We were soon on I-39, heading north. After about 10 minutes we saw a
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sign saying "PEORIA NEXT EXIT". That was certainly weird, as I was
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convinced Peoria was a good 45 minutes or so away from us.
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Turns out it was the exit for a road to Peoria. So we stopped at a
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gas station. Steve filled up his car and Jack and I explored the store,
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heading straight for the beer. Then we saw the sign -- NO LIQUOR SOLD AFTER
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1.30.
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Fucked again. Jack and I told Steve the news and then waited for him
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to pay for his gas. As we waited, we discussed how easy it would be to
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steal a case of beer without getting caught. Jack brought up the point that
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there were cameras. See, there was a sign on the pump that said "Smile,
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you're on our security camera," or something to that effect. So we looked
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all around for a camera, but we couldn't find one. Oh well, we probably
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could've stolen that beer and made our lives better, but we're good
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citizens.
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So we headed back on to the road, only to find out that it was no
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longer a highway, but a dark country road.
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We told each other all of the scary experiences in our lives, and
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shared what we thought were the scariest moments in the movie. Every light
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we saw, every building on the horizon, every car passing us, freaked us out
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a little bit. I remember driving past a building and seeing graves in the
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yard. Then I did a double-take and saw that they were only posts.
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Soon we were in Eureka, IL. There we saw a 24-hour IGA. The IGAs in
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Rockford don't sell alcohol, but we figured we might as well take a chance.
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Steve waited in the car while Jack and I scouted the situation out. The
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first thing we noticed was that it was freezing in the store, just like in
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the movie! Then we saw all the employees -- all three of them -- sitting at
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the register to our right. As we walked through the aisles, we heard a bell
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ringing. But we looked on all the aisles, and saw no one else in the store.
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So we told Steve that IGA was haunted. They didn't sell alcohol, so we left
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and continued on our way to Peoria.
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We stopped again at some other 24-hour convenience store, but Jack
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stopped me just as I was about to walk in. He saw the sign that said "If
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you're fortunate enough to look under 30, we'll have to card you." And
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below that it was printed "Liquor is not sold between 1 and 6 AM."
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Fucked again.
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Back on the road to Peoria, we finally make it. We need to get
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downtown, though, and none of us knew how to get there. We missed a turn on
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a big intersection, so we turned around and went back and made it to
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downtown.
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Once there, we needed to turn left, but we couldn't for some odd
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reason, so we turned right and then Steve pulled a quick left into the
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parking lot of some business and exited on the perpendicular street.
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Apparently this street was one way going the opposite direction as
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some woman on the street perpendicular to us screamed at us "ONE WAY,
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MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER, ONE WAY!"
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Welcome to Peoria.
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We drove up Main Street and revelled in the glory of two blocks of
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bars that were open til 4 AM. After parking, we decided to scout out the
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territory. The first bar we went to was called Champ's. There was live
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blues inside, and no bouncer working the door, so my 19 year old self could
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get in.
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We stood inside for a few minutes, marvelling at all the mullet cuts
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on the men and women at the bar, and decided it was so scary that we had to
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leave.
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In retrospect, that was probably a bad decision, but anyway...
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We walked to most of the other bars on Main St., but they all said
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you had to be 21 to come inside. No problem for Jack and Steve, but me...
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well, you know the deal.
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As we were walking, trying to figure out what to do, some good
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looking young woman in a long dress ran across the street and quickly ran
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back. We were approaching the corner that she darted across, so I suggested
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we walk around the block to see what was going on.
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We came closer and heard the girl talking to another girl, also
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attractive, and wearing a back-less shirt. They were shouting about
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something, some guy in a red shirt. I thought that maybe they had been
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assaulted or something, but they didn't ask for help. The girl without the
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back shouted "FUCK PEORIA" and at that moment, we were ready to agree with
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her.
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The two girls ran back and forth and eventually turned another
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corner, so we followed them. Some random black guy had the same idea and we
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asked him what was going on. As far as he could understand, some guy in a
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red shirt had taken a gun and smashed out their car window, presumably to
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steal shit from it. And for some reason, rather than talking to the legions
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of cops nearby, they decided to try to chase him down. Wackos. All I know
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is if some guy with a gun smashed out my window, I'd let him get away. I
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don't want to die over something stupid like that, but hey, it's Peoria,
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what do you expect?
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Anyway, we make a last ditch attempt to get into some bars, most
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notably Big Al's (http://www.bigalsgals.com), a strip bar. We were told the
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cover was $7, quite reasonable. Then Steve asked how old you had to be to
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get in. We hoped he would answer 18, so I could get in, but to our
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disappointment, he said 21.
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Then we walked dejectedly back to our car and began the drive back
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home.
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We decided to take a different highway home, but Steve wasn't sure
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how to get there so we stopped at a gas station, and for some reason it was
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my job to ask for directions. So I go into the station and buy a Dr. Pepper
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and ask the guy standing at the counter and the girl behind the counter how
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to get to I-74.
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The guy started to explain it to me, and then insisted we just follow
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him because he was heading that way. Oh, he also mentioned numerous times
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how completely fucked up he was.
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We made it to 74 and home safely, around 4am.
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Now it's 6am, so, uh, I think I'm gonna go wake up Steve and make him
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go to Kroger's to get some booze.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #795 - WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 8/22/99 ]
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