229 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
229 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #789
|
|
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
|
|
888 888 888 888 888 "A Hoe File"
|
|
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
|
|
888 888 888 888 888 " by Tasha
|
|
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 8/12/99
|
|
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
|
|
disclaimer:
|
|
|
|
this, too, was written for a class. it was for a 'creative response
|
|
paper.' we were supposed to rewrite the plot to a story. the first two
|
|
paragraphs, except for the part about the golden girls, were not written by
|
|
me. the rest, however, is how i felt the story should go.
|
|
|
|
[-----]
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, Chromium the constructor built an eight-story
|
|
thinking machine. When it was finished, he gave it a coat of white paint,
|
|
trimmed the edges in lavender, stepped back, squinted, then added a little
|
|
curlicue on the front and, where one might imagine the forehead to be, a few
|
|
pale orange polka dots. Extremely pleased with himself, he whistled The
|
|
Golden Girls theme song and, as is always done on such occasions, asked it
|
|
the ritual question of how much is two plus two.
|
|
|
|
The machine stirred. It's tubes began to glow, its coils warmed up;
|
|
current coursed through all its circuits like a waterfall; transformers
|
|
hummed and throbbed; there was a clanging, and a chugging, and such an
|
|
ungodly racket that Chromium began to think of adding a special mentation
|
|
muffler. Meanwhile the machine labored on, as if it had been given the most
|
|
difficult problem in the universe to solve, the ground shook; the sand slit
|
|
underfoot from the vibration; valves popped like champagne corks; the relays
|
|
nearly gave way under the strain. At last, when Chromium had grown
|
|
extremely impatient, the machine ground to a halt and said in a voice like
|
|
thunder: FOUR!
|
|
|
|
Chromium, quite proud of his accomplishments, patted the machine on
|
|
its little metal arm and smiled a big smile. No one had ever created an
|
|
eight-story thinking machine before, the largest on record was 5 stories,
|
|
and it took even longer to come up with answers. It was much louder, also,
|
|
and was shut down when the noise pollution act of 2017 went into effect.
|
|
|
|
Suddenly, the machine stirred again. Again, its tubes began to glow,
|
|
its coils warmed up; current coursed through all its circuits like a
|
|
waterfall; transformers hummed and throbbed. Amidst all this clanging and
|
|
chugging came a low rumble.
|
|
|
|
"Ask me another question," the machine growled, again sounding very
|
|
similar to thunder.
|
|
|
|
Chromium, of course, was utterly puzzled. Constructors had never
|
|
gone beyond the 2 and 2 question before, and never before had machines said
|
|
anything more than "four."
|
|
|
|
"Uhm," Chromium hesitated in his confusion, "What's the, euh, square
|
|
root of 49?"
|
|
|
|
"Seven!"
|
|
|
|
Chromium, filled with amazement, started asking more and more
|
|
questions!
|
|
|
|
"What dictator came to power in Germany prior to World War II?"
|
|
|
|
"Hisster."
|
|
|
|
"No, it was Hitler."
|
|
|
|
"Well, obviously you are not learned in the prophecies of
|
|
Nostradamus."
|
|
|
|
Chromium let out a quiet laugh, which was more out of uneasiness than
|
|
being amused.
|
|
|
|
"What's going on here?" Chromium's good friend, Ezekiel had just
|
|
stumbled upon the scene of Chromium conversing with his newly built thinking
|
|
machine.
|
|
|
|
"Ezekiel, I have built the largest, fastest, quietest, and smartest
|
|
thinking machine ever! Watch! Listen! It's so amazing! Thinking machine,
|
|
what is the French word for fish?"
|
|
|
|
"Call me Tafu," the thinking machine politely requested.
|
|
|
|
"Okay, Tafu it-"
|
|
|
|
"Poisson," Tafu answered the question. Ezekiel became just as amazed
|
|
as Chromium with this fantastic machine.
|
|
|
|
"Wow!" Ezekiel smiled, "I bet we could make lots of money off of
|
|
this thing."
|
|
|
|
"Oh, I certainly wasn't in it for the money, but it would be nice.
|
|
How much do you think we could make?"
|
|
|
|
"Infinite amounts. Infinite." Ezekiel was a rather dreamy guy,
|
|
always saying nothing should be limited and such. His great-grandfather had
|
|
been a primitive philosopher, and religious activist. Religion, however,
|
|
had been banned since the 2008 Act of Oneself had gone into effect. Ezekiel
|
|
was always arguing that his great-grandfathers philosophical ideas should be
|
|
more noted than his radical religious beliefs. Unfortunately, these
|
|
arguments were rarely paid much attention, and taunting from peers had made
|
|
Ezekiel into a very hate-filled and shy man since grade school. He was also
|
|
an accountant.
|
|
|
|
"I would like to be polished," Tafu said, pointing his magnificent
|
|
laser at a dirt spot on his metallic foot.
|
|
|
|
"Sure thing," Chromium quickly grabbed a rag and dropped to his
|
|
knees. Chromium's family wasn't as infamous as Ezekiel's. His mother was a
|
|
hairdresser, and his father an elementary school principal. His parents had
|
|
taught him two very important things. One of those things was great
|
|
obedience, and the other was tremendous accomplishments in the field of
|
|
spelling. Actually, Chromium was a horrible speller, but he always seemed
|
|
to remember that a principal is your pal, and therefore all of his faults
|
|
were somehow justified.
|
|
|
|
While all of this polishing was going on, Ezekiel was prancing back
|
|
and forth trying to come up with a gimmick to advertise Tafu.
|
|
|
|
"I've got it! We'll set up a booth on the side of the road, and
|
|
people can pay to get any question answered!"
|
|
|
|
"That's a great idea, I can build the booth," Chromium held up his
|
|
trusty tools. "I can even paint a sign!" Chromium had wanted to be a
|
|
painter, but painting with the color blue had been banned since 2011. No
|
|
one really knew why, and blue was Chromium's favorite color.
|
|
|
|
Chromium and Ezekiel went about building a booth and painting a sign,
|
|
only stopping to polish Tafu. Finally, after quite some time, an excellent
|
|
booth, and equally nice sign, had been erected on the corner of 6th and
|
|
Broadway. This specific intersection had previously been a hangout for hip
|
|
kids of the shoe polishing movement, but shoe polishing had somehow been
|
|
banned in a loophole of the Act of Oneself.
|
|
|
|
"Excuse me, does that sign really mean any question? For only twenty
|
|
dollars?" A small girl with red hair had appeared from an alley stemming
|
|
off of 6th Street. The girl must have been 11, since all 11-year-olds were
|
|
required to have red hair.
|
|
|
|
"Yes, any question." Ezekiel smiled at the girl, he did accounting
|
|
and taxes for her father. They were a very rich family who did something in
|
|
the gasoline business.
|
|
|
|
"What should I name my dog?" The dog was standing next to the girl.
|
|
It was a golden retriever.
|
|
|
|
"Dogs should be illegal," Tafu said quite matter-of-factly.
|
|
|
|
"WHAT?" The city's mayor appeared from the same alley the girl had
|
|
come from.
|
|
|
|
"Dogs should be illegal," Tafu roared, annoyed at having to repeat
|
|
the answer. He was quite a demanding and anal-retentive thinking machine.
|
|
|
|
"Well, I guess dogs should be illegal, sir, since this is the
|
|
smartest thinking machine ever built," Chromium said calmly.
|
|
|
|
"Oh, this is the smartest thinking machine ever built?" The mayor
|
|
looked a bit doubtful.
|
|
|
|
"Yes, sir, watch. What color underwear is the mayor wearing?"
|
|
|
|
"Navy blue with green stripes along the bottom and elastic waist
|
|
band, they are boxer briefs, by the way," Tafu answered again.
|
|
|
|
"OH! This is the smartest thinking machine ever built," the mayor
|
|
pulled down his pants and displayed his underwear. They fit Tafu's
|
|
description perfectly. "I guess dogs should be illegal!" With that, the
|
|
mayor removed a gun from his coat and shot the girl's dog. The girl cried,
|
|
but stopped quickly, realizing that she had to be a law-abiding citizen and
|
|
it was the new law. The mayor had all of the power, and was not required to
|
|
inform citizens of new laws.
|
|
|
|
"Very nicely handled, mayor," Ezekiel said with an air of envy. He
|
|
had always wanted to be mayor, but couldn't since he had a slight lisp and
|
|
failed public speaking. Mayors had to be good in public speaking, they were
|
|
also required to have an extra toe on each foot. The current mayor had 2
|
|
extra toes on his left foot, it had been a great scandal when the
|
|
information first hit the newsstands.
|
|
|
|
"Thank you, Ezekiel. Now, may I ask the machine a question?" The
|
|
mayor appeared very enthralled by the machine.
|
|
|
|
"Call me Tafu."
|
|
|
|
"Oh, yes, yes, sorry, may I ask Tafu a question?"
|
|
|
|
"Yes," Chromium gave the mayor permission, much to the dismay of
|
|
Tafu.
|
|
|
|
"I will decide if he can ask me a question, and I say he can't. I
|
|
would like to be polished now, please," Tafu's feet and legs had been
|
|
splattered by the blood of the dog the mayor had previously shot. The blood
|
|
was drying fast and driving the anal-retentive side of Tafu to an almost
|
|
psychotic state.
|
|
|
|
"Why, I oughtta...," the mayor was very insulted by Tafu's refusal
|
|
to be questioned, "you ill-mannered piece of machinery! I hereby declare
|
|
that thinking machines are illegal," he was not required to inform the
|
|
citizens of this. The mayor proceeded to call his personal police squad in
|
|
to destroy Tafu.
|
|
|
|
"My...my...my...m-m-my machine!" Chromium was staring with disbelief
|
|
and sadness at the scraps of metal flying as the police squad slowly ripped
|
|
apart Tafu. His disbelief and sadness was quickly ended when the mayor shot
|
|
him.
|
|
|
|
"Any creators of thinking machines are sentenced to death," the mayor
|
|
was not required to inform citizens of this.
|
|
|
|
"Excellent decision, mayor," Ezekiel said and gave a smile of
|
|
approval.
|
|
|
|
"I thought so, also," the mayor smiled, "would you like to go out for
|
|
a drink, Ezekiel?"
|
|
|
|
"Oh, yes, of course!" The mayor shot Ezekiel.
|
|
|
|
"All men accepting invitations to go out for drinks shall be
|
|
sentenced to death." The mayor was not required to inform the citizens of
|
|
this.
|
|
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #789 - WRITTEN BY: TASHA - 8/12/99 ]
|