219 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
219 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #763
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Attack of the Mad Cow"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Effy
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/28/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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The Mad Cow lurked stealthily through the woods.
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Huge and menacing, the Mad Cow could rip anything living known to man
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to shreds. She was by far the biggest, fattest cow of all time. Weighing
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over seven tons, she could destroy anything in her path by simply running
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over it. She could knock down the tallest trees in the forest with a single
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kick. She could outrun the fastest car. She was hungrier than the fattest
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pig. She was completely, insanely mad. And boy could she whip up a great
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pitcher of Nestle Quick with the milk from that udder and some chocolate
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syrup!
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She had but one intention and purpose for living, one sole reason for
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her vengeful existence. . .to KILL. She had the mentality and instinct of a
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ruthless serial killer, only magnified a millionfold. She did not
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discriminate. All must die.
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Kill. Kill all.
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The Mad Cow continued on, searching for something, someone, anything,
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to kill. "Moo," she growled, her breath touched with pure insanity plus a
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hefty spoonful of fresh drunkard blood with 1.0 alcohol content.
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Kill. Kill ALL.
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Meanwhile, a group of oblivious stoners were gathered on a deck near
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the woods. They giggled and laughed with the oomph of self-accepted idiocy.
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They passed the pipe in a merry, everyday way that proved the theory that
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they were fiends. Smoke flowed and billowed around them, creating happy,
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pictorial clouds. The lightning bugs danced and pranced around them in joy.
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The stars giggled and wiggled in amusement. All was well and happy.
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The names of these stoners were Stab, Amandapanda, Billdo, Turtle,
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Glu, Laug, and the Negro.
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Stab was a Satanic weirdo who loved fruit, clove cigarettes,
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mutilation, and had a pair of overly expensive boots.
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Amandapanda was a Satanic hippy with multi-colored hair who loved
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panda bears and Canadian bananas, smoked too many Kool cigarettes, and also
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owned a pair of overly expensive boots.
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Billdo was an alleged crack fiend who loved vicious, brutal,
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merciless killing, and hours of endless twitching and tapping his not-so-
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overly-expensive boots; and he feared sea turtles.
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Turtle was a shaggy hippy who made snotty internal noises, loved
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turtles, resembled some kind of mad elf-like Jesus, and just didn't wear any
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shoes at all.
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Glu was a super German blonde Nazi girl who loved to drink, loved
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fruit just as much as Stab, and was obsessed with poop and anything else
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from the rectum.
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Laug was a talkative weed fiend who smoked too much, drove too fast,
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hated other people's saliva, loved to fashion bongs, and was always getting
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kicked out of his parents' house.
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The Negro was a Negro from the dark streets of the Dubuque ghetto who
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liked to jump off decks, to look in mirrors, to put people in holes, and to
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practice freestyle rapping.
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The stoners smoked their weed in a very merry way, unknowing of the
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horrific and terrifying situation which was about to befall them.
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The Mad Cow had almost reached the perimeter of the woods when she
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lifted her nose high in the air curiously. A nice, pleasant smell was
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wafting her way. Something that made her senses go crazy. She inhaled the
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sweet smell of marijuana. Oh, how she coveted that smooth, herbal taste in
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her mouth and the giddy, happy feeling that came along with it... and the
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munchies, OH! the munchies! Eat! Kill and eat anyone in her way! She
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began to follow the smell, her tail thrashing wildly in anticipation.
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Kill. KILL ALL.
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The Mad Cow began running at warp speed as the smell grew stronger.
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"MOOOOOO!!!" the Mad Cow screamed. She began bellowing repeatedly.
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"MOOOOOO!!!"
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The stoners froze as soon as they heard the painfully loud, insane
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bellows.
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"What is that?!" Laug asked, wiping the mouth piece on the bowl of
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marijuana.
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"It sounds like a cow!" Billdo exclaimed, beginning to twitch.
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"Oh my god. It's mad!" Turtle shrieked, curling into a ball.
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"It's a Mad Cow!" screamed Stab, pulling out her athame and plunging
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it into the deck.
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"Dude!" Amandapanda yelped, then lit a cigarette.
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"Poop!" screamed Glu, then chugged her Southern Comfort.
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The Negro busted a rhyme and jumped off the deck.
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The stoners stared in fear at the ominous perimeter of the woods.
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Loud rustling and stomping accompanied the evil bellowing. It was getting
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closer!
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Suddenly, the Mad Cow emerged from the woods and stared up at the
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stoners on the deck, her nose twitching madly. She breathed hard, and began
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to advance toward the poor, pathetically high fiends.
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"MOOOOOO!!!" she screamed, grinning widely, and showing a mouth full
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of sharp, jagged, blood-stained teeth.
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Kill. KILL ALL!
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"The Mad Cow wants the marijuana!" Laug yelled.
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"Give it to him dude!" Turtle screamed.
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Laug hurled the sack into the yard, and the Mad Cow devoured it,
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while the Negro climbed back onto the deck carrying his shovel.
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The Mad Cow finished eating the 23 grams of marijuana, and began to
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sway slightly. Then she began to anger, and stamped her hooves on the
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ground, putting divots in the yard as dirt flew everywhere.
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KILL. KILL ALL!!!
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Then she began bellowing again and thrashing wildly.
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"Dude!" shrieked Billdo. He threw his eight ball of crack at the Mad
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Cow. It hit the Mad Cow square in the face. The Mad Cow went insane! She
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ran headfirst right into the side of the deck, breaking the whole deck in
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half. She began trying to climb up the side, trapping the stoners in the
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corner of the deck. The only way out was to jump, but it was a really,
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really far drop. No stoner (with the exception of the Negro) was about to
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make the fifteen foot fall to their death.
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The Mad Cow stood towering above the group of cowardly stoners. She
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snarled and drooled, licking her enormous chops.
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KILL! KILL ALL!!!
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Stab screamed. "She's got the munchies!"
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"She's going to eat us all!" yelled Amandapanda.
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"Poop!" shrieked Glu.
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Then Turtle was so scared, he pooped on the deck.
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The Negro scooped it up with the shovel and threw it at the Mad Cow.
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The Mad Cow sniffed the poop. She licked the poop. She swallowed
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the whole pile in one gulp. Then she bellowed once more. "MOOOOOO!" The
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Mad Cow swaying menacingly.
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KILL!!! KILL ALL!!!
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"It's still hungry Dude," Laug whispered, quivering with fright.
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Laug was so scared, he relieved his rectum on the deck too.
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The Negro shoveled it up and threw it at the Mad Cow. She caught the
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feces in her mouth.
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GULP. . .KILL!!! KILL ALL!!!
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Pretty soon, everyone was so scared shitless, they had pooped for the
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Mad Cow. By this time, the Mad Cow was really fucked up. Not only was she
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swaying and sagging to the side, but she'd stopped bellowing, and was waving
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uncertainly back and forth, slobbering, her eyes half shut.
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K-k-k-k. . .CHILL. . .
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The Mad Cow's legs collapsed under her, and she passed out soundly on
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the deck.
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Turtle's brow wrinkled. "What's going on?"
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"Dude, I think the Mad Cow OD'd on marijuana!" Laug remarked.
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"No, it just ate a shitload of shit," Stab said.
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"It's the poop. It's perma-poop with a high concentration of
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marijuana. The Mad Cow is mega-baked," Billdo concluded.
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"Kill it while it's still asleep!" shrieked Amandapanda.
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Glu said nothing, but thought of poop.
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The Negro raised his shovel and ran to the Mad Cow. He began beating
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her insanely like there was no tomorrow. Blood flew everywhere. Meanwhile,
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Stab ran over and began stabbing the Mad Cow with her Satanic knife and
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carving demented symbols on its udder. Turtle danced around the Mad Cow
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barefoot and made himself a glass of Nestle Quick. Billdo put on his army
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gear, pulled out a gun, and began busting caps in her ass. Amandapanda
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kicked the Mad Cow with her expensive boots and burned her eyes out with her
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cigarette. Laug just babysat the bowl of marijuana, while Glu beat on the
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Mad Cow like a Nazi and drank milk from the udder.
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Soon, the Mad Cow's life ceased to exist. The Negro took the shovel
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and put the Mad Cow in a hole. Then there was much rejoicing, dancing,
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laughter, and gaiety, as the party went on.
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There was only one little problem left. . .
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The Mad Cow had eaten ALL the marijuana.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #763 - WRITTEN BY: EFFY - 7/28/99 ]
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