80 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
80 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #742
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "The Lesser Creatures
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 (and World Domination)"
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Paganini
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/22/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Okay. It was a dark and dreary night. Well, actually it was mid-
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evening and things were looking pretty good, but things were about to get
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worse. I was just about to get something out of the cabinet in my bathroom
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when... dun dun dun... I saw it. The little thing was moving faster than I
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could process its movements. It sneered at me and I instantly identified it
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as a ((Dun Dun Dun)) earwig! (Enter bloodcurdling screams here.)
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Let me give readers a little background here. I hate earwigs. I
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have a sincere prejudice against them. I can handle any other animal,
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insect or extraterrestrial being but I cannot and will not handle earwigs.
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This is why....
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Earwigs are evil. It has been clearly addressed by most (or at least
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some) religious groups that earwigs are evil. Earwigs are little tools of
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Satan. They run around trying to get you to sin. I met an earwig once. It
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told me to kill my brother and run off and worship a golden roach. They are
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evil. I think that if one were to look very closely they would see the sign
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of the pentagon etched across their terrible little earwig backs. In fact,
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I'm sure of it. Also, if further evidence is needed, one may simply look at
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their devil-like horns . . . disguised as antennae.
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Earwigs are responsible for many diseases. It was an earwig, not a
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rat, that caused the bubonic plague. You see, what they do is they go out
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and find the worst diseases they can and they spread them to as many humans
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as possible. (Motivated by evil, of course.) Earwigs give people colds.
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Earwigs are responsible for the hair loss in most men. Earwigs cause
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salmonella and they are also responsible for the deadly virus known as AIDS.
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You thought it was sexually transmitted, but no, all earwigs. Earwigs are
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bad.
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Earwigs cause public disputes. Hitler was an earwig. They are mean
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little creatures. They do not like anyone. They do not even like other
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earwigs. That is why you never see them in large clusters and that is why
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children never sit around watching earwigs play. They do not play. Their
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only mission in life is to ruin the human life we know and love. They start
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riots. They were responsible for most of the pillaging in L.A. Earwigs
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like to start gangs. They are responsible for most of the narcotics on the
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street. Earwigs are not good.
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They are assassins of joy.
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Earwigs cannot dance. They do not write. They do not draw. They do
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not serve any purpose on this great green earth. Their only goal is to
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torment us. They have collective earwig meetings in which evil plans to
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ruin human happiness are created.
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Attempts should be made to end things for these awful little beings.
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Someone needs to put them in their place. For, what kind of world do we
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live in, if we cannot get something out of our bathroom cabinets without an
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earwig trying to rough us up. Here's my point: We shoot trespassers don't
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we? Why not shoot the earwigs? (Never mind.) Why not do something to the
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earwigs? Think about it. They are always there. They are watching me type
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this . . . waiting to spring at any given moment. They are in our showers;
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hiding behind the soap. They are in our kitchens, watching us wash our
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tomatoes. They are everywhere, and they are laughing at our futile attempts
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to live happy lives. Something must be done!
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Here is my plan.
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We fool them for a little while. You know, make them believe they
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are welcome. We befriend them. Then, when they least expect it, we spring.
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We claim our homes back from this hideous infestation and we proclaim
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ourselves happy, healthy and earwig free. For only after we rid ourselves
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of these oppressive insects shall we truly be free. Thank you and Gods
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bless America.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #742 - WRITTEN BY: PAGANINI - 7/22/99 ]
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