230 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
230 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #737
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Ask Clyde, The Second Coming"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Clyde
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/16/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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ask clyde - free advice! write to askclyde@usa.net
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welcome to ask clyde! ask clyde is an anonymous free advice service!
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do you need free advice! i will answer your questions! i also give advice
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on how to fight crime! remember -- crime does not pay! don't you agree!
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ask clyde is on the world wide web! ring us up at
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http://skaro.nightcrawler.com/~bneely/askclyde/ !
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in this issue, stephanie gets stumped by currency, fredrick melts in
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your mouth, henrik does a good deed, turnip gets drunk and desperate, ross
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gains vegetable wisdom, elyse fails, jonn succeeds, and peigi's life might
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stink!
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we have a nice batch of questions, so let's jump right in!
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> Can someone ask clyde for a question?
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>
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> Stephanie
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i suppose so! so do you want a question! here is my question!
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why are 1997 dollars worth more than 1995 dollars!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> what is the most enjoyable way of eating chocolate?
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>
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> Fredrick
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hi fredrick! happy holidays!
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the most enjoyable way to eat chocolate is slow, and with a spoon!
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don't get your fingers on it! you will lose a bit of chocolate! and,
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licking your fingers is unacceptable! never commit food crime!
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fredrick! also, have you tried eating chocolate with a fork and
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knife! it is truly sophisticated!
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remember, wrongful chocolate death is a crime!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> I have heard from your friend that you have many ideas for fighting
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> crime. Could you please email some to me?
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>
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> Henrik
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yes! that is correct! why do you want to fight crime!
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try this: keep some lights on at night! lock your doors! never be
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alone! don't talk to strangers! don't buy drugs in oakland or miami!
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don't wear too much black at one time! don't use eyeliner or lipstick!
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don't shave your armpits! don't use "chat rooms"!
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> Secondly, I occasionally have a problem where, after I have been sitting
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> down for a while, I stand up and everything goes orange and coggy. Have
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> you got any ideas on how to cure this?
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you are experiencing a "head rush"! it is just a matter of blood
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having to find its way to your head!
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the best thing to do is to drink enough water, and do not make any
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sudden movements! doing so can cause a head rush, and it will also confuse
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the people who are watching you by remote-viewing and spy-camera!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> last night i got very drunk and started going out with this girl. The
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> thing is for her it is supposed to be "serious", but now that i think
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> about it, i'm not sure she is all that attractive, etc... Anyhow, i'm
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> leaving on my holidays soon, so when i get back everything will
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> hopefully have "diluted".
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> Cheers.
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>
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> Turnip
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dear turnip! (surely that is not your real name!)
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you have more trouble on your hands than you think!
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this girl is not just an unattractive one! she is a bona fide crime!
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she wants to take things from you! money, cars, privacy, house, jewelry,
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and clothing! and your water supply! turnip you must guard your water
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supply! i'm serious! she's after it! do you know what happens next! you
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get a letter from her in mexico! and your water supply is gone!
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this girl is a crime! free yourself!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> How do you use your vegetables to their fullest? I always fear that I
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> am underusing my vegetables, neglecting to exploit them for their
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> fullest abilities to satisfy me. What knowledge can you spare for the
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> full extortion of asparagus and arugala?
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>
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> Ross
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dear ross!
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all vegetables are plus plus good! they are happy inside!
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to get the most out of your vegetables, remember! get them fresh and
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eat them fresh! as time goes on, vegetables lose their happies! if you eat
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a non happy veggie, you'll be non happy! get those veggie happies inside
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you!
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also consider! do not "peel" or "chop off the bad parts"! eat the
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whole damn thing! when a man and a woman get married, the man does not
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marry just the leg of the woman! he marries the whole woman! so you must
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eat the whole vegetable!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> should i skip doing my report on the baltic sea which should be finished
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> tomorrow? i think i risk my A+ in biology if i don't. but i really
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> don't want to do it and i have good reasons and excuses for not having
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> done it. what do you think?
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>
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> Elyse
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biology is really a crock of shit! don't do the report!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> i am now unemployed. should i sit around at home, sampling cds and
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> generating sounds, perhaps smoking a bong every now and then, or should
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> i go get a job and then sit around doing that in the weekends, or,
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> should i just go around doing all of that?
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>
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> Jonne
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dear sir!
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you have no long-term vision! where do you want to be in 5 years!
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where do you want to be in 10 years! think about how to get there! it will
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be a gradual process! you can't go from having 1 dollar to 10000000 dollars
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instantly! first you need 1 dollar! then you need to have 18 dollars!
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then you will have 43 dollars! then you will break the 100 dollar mark!
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next you will have 409 dollars! then you will have 1102 dollars! next you
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will get to the rank of 6550 dollars! then you will get up to 10444
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dollars! next you will achieve the goal of 58662 dollars! following that,
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you will have 109262 dollars! after that, you will have 988400 dollars!
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next you will have 3020981 dollars! then you will have 3440121 dollars!
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then you will have 6245418 dollars! after that, you will have 8221341
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dollars! next you will have 9310425 dollars! from there you can get up to
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10000000 dollars!
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i hope this helps you better plan your life!
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clyde
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[-----]
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> Dear Clyde,
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> Somebody left this on my desk:
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> "need free advice? ask clyde! email: askclyde@usa.net"
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> Evidently they think I need advice. Since this was at work, maybe I
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> need either career or fashion advice. What kind of advice do you think I
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> need?
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>
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> Peigi
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hello!
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i do not know you personally! so let me guess!
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1) body odor!
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2) relationship!
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3) career! have you checked the classifieds recently! how about
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updating your resume!
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4) get some friends!
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5) your car is about to be broken into! do you have an expensive
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car! start taking the bus to work, or drive the junker! give
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your expensive car to your kids, who instead will drive it to the
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safe and secure environment of high school!
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sorry, i have to tell it like i see it!
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also, what is this crap with emailing me from hotmail.com! are you
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doing this just to be anonymous! i don't think it's very funny! you're
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just not "ha ha" material! i think this anonymous email service is a crime!
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sports advice: bet on the yankees!
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clyde
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[-----]
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that was a delightful mailbag experience! thank you for all of your
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letters! be sure to watch for future columns! do you need free advice!
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write to me! the address is askclyde@usa.net ! do not hesitate!
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have a great day!
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #737 - WRITTEN BY: CLYDE - 7/16/99 ]
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