95 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
95 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #629
|
|
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
|
|
888 888 888 888 888 "Gramma McKee's
|
|
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 Special Penis Advice"
|
|
888 888 888 888 888 " by McBoo
|
|
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/16/99
|
|
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
|
|
Come closer, snuggle up, my little rutabagas, and let gramma tell you
|
|
about the first penis she ever felt-What?! What??! What's the big deal?
|
|
Oh, come on, grow up, already. Come on, you know you want to hear it, come
|
|
here, you little-- . . .
|
|
|
|
It was an autumn evening, late August, perhaps. I was a lass of
|
|
sixteen, with a clear head and a gut full of resolve. Shirts untucked,
|
|
zippers unraveled, and slowly, it emerged, blinking its one sticky eye like
|
|
a baby bird in an auburn nest. It was apparent to me that I should get on
|
|
with it, so-nowhere near ready to get down with it-I . . . grabbed it.
|
|
|
|
It was so soft! Soft in a good way, although frankly, I did not yet
|
|
understand what was good about hard. It was rock hard, but baby bird soft,
|
|
the tenderest skin I'd ever felt. This was the sword? The rocket? What
|
|
Grampa calls his "blood-engorged rod?" This was no weapon. This was a dear
|
|
little friend. Come closer, sit on my knee, and hear about how to make
|
|
friends with such a shy guy.
|
|
|
|
First, recognize its cuteness. I heard a man tell his son the other
|
|
day that men aren't cute; girls are cute, he said, men are handsome.
|
|
Bullshit, dearies. Crapola. Not only are lots of men cute, but cute will
|
|
get panties thrown at you in a way that handsome never will. Davy Jones
|
|
looked cute, acted cute and sang cute. The man was five foot two. Today,
|
|
at any given time, there exists an entire generation of women still at the
|
|
peak of their sex drive who would drive over Tom Selleck in armored vehicles
|
|
to get to Davy Jones. Sign me up for a Humvee. But, Gramma's mind is
|
|
wandering.
|
|
|
|
The penis has a cuteness all its own. We have already appreciated
|
|
its wonderful complexion. There is the smurfy little mushroom-shaped cap;
|
|
watch it change colors sometime. I like to think of it as the mood ring of
|
|
the genitalia. There is the bounciness factor: notice, during bathroom
|
|
time, perhaps, how a slightly hard penis will rebound from a gentle tug in
|
|
one direction, not unlike one of those bouncy-headed dog figurines in the
|
|
rear windows of cars. Boing, boing, slap, slap. Really, kids, it's a hoot.
|
|
|
|
It is more difficult to appreciate the testicles. Pubic hair is
|
|
coarser than other hair and when you first see it poking out of the goose-
|
|
pimply scrotum skin it often gives the impression that you are looking at a
|
|
magnification of a part of the body you really didn't want to see more
|
|
closely. Distract yourself by watching the testicles in action. Gramma
|
|
sometimes plays this game: what kind of animal does the scrotum remind you
|
|
of? Scrunchh! It's a Shar Pei! Stretch! It's Deputy Dawg! Swing!
|
|
Droopy! All you need is a hair dryer and a cold washcloth to have hours of
|
|
rainy day fun.
|
|
|
|
You want to know what else the penis does? Oh, you little dickens,
|
|
just you listen. Remember how the penis bounces when you pull on it? Guess
|
|
what? It'll bounce all by itself when a man dances naked. Oh, little smart
|
|
alecks, aren't you? Men hardly ever dance naked, do you say? Listen close
|
|
to Gramma: every man dances naked. In front of their girl. At least once.
|
|
Without being asked. Gramma calls it the "Prancing Penis Dance." No one
|
|
knows why they do it. Few will admit to it. But at some point, when it's
|
|
time for bed or a shower and a man finds himself undressed, he will smile
|
|
broadly and dance around in front of his mate. Some men, but not all of
|
|
them, will actually say, "Look at me!" I have found that the best response
|
|
is to, indeed, look at him. A shy giggle is appropriate, laughing out loud
|
|
is not. Smile bravely, remember why you were attracted to him in the first
|
|
place, think of England, perhaps, and let him finish. If you enjoy the
|
|
performance, by all means cheer him on, but you must understand that
|
|
encouragement will lead to repeat performances. Faking it, never a good
|
|
idea, darlings, is a particularly bad idea in this case. If you amiably
|
|
ignore the whole incident, the man will take it upon himself to wonder what
|
|
the hell he was doing. He has likely gotten it out of his system now. I
|
|
cannot say it enough-encouragement will lead to repeat performances.
|
|
|
|
What, darlings? Size? What about it? Is what true? Oh, heavens,
|
|
no. Each one is very special. Gramma prefers medium-sized, frankly. She
|
|
remembers a swarthy Cypriot sailor taking the size prize, even up against
|
|
the Norwegians, Irish and African-Americans. Gramma got very tired after a
|
|
little while and needed to stop. Also there were teeth issues. Hmmm,
|
|
". . . up against," that makes me remember a special penis time---what? Oh,
|
|
Gramma's fine for free information, but you can't be bothered to listen to
|
|
her special memories, huh? Go ahead, go on, why don't you just go ahead and
|
|
pick my brain and leave me here to rot. All week long, no phone calls. Not
|
|
even a "How are you, Gramma?" Then every Sunday it's the same freaking
|
|
thing: "Tell us a story, Gramma, tell us a story." Until I could scream. I
|
|
tell you a story, I wrack my brain for ideas and then, just when it starts
|
|
getting good, you bail out, you ungrateful little pukes. You're just like
|
|
your mother, that no-good tramp . . .
|
|
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #733 - WRITTEN BY: MCBOO - 7/16/99 ]
|