74 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
74 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #694
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Dubuque"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Big Daddy Bill
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/18/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Well, well, well... I've waited a long time to do this. I finally get
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to make fun of my hometown, Dubuque, and I even get a grade on it. This is
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sweet.
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Once upon a time, this French guy was boating along the river called
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the Mississippi. He then came across a bunch of stupid Indians, lit the
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water on fire and made them worship him. This French guy's name was Julien
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Dubuque. So he made all the stupid Indians build crap for him, like
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buildings, and when Julien died they made a monument on top of this cliff--
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but not before he invited all his French friends over. So they built this
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town from Indian structures, and then all the French people died or
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something because there are only a handful of French people in this town
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nowadays, thank God.
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All these white southerners said, "Gee golly! It shure iz hot up
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here," and started mindlessly wandering up north, where they found all the
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Frenchmen sweating away building the town. The southerners approached and
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said, "Y'all got some land?", and the French people said, "It will cost you
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mo-nay." So the southerners gave them a horse and it was settled. But then
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the southerners started having kids, and soon the town was massive, and
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nobody was French anymore, but they were stupid. Then the industry boomed,
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we hired a bunch of lazy cops, and here we are today... once French, now
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mid-western-southern.
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As much as I hate this town, which is based on old people mind you, I
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cannot help but think that it is a good place to raise a family. The crime
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rate is proportionately low, compared to other small cities, and there are
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plenty of McDonald's and other fast food restaurants to feed our need to be
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fat where teenagers can work, if you can crush their pride enough.
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But the simple fact remains that this town bites, and there is
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absolutely nothing to do here except go to the mall and shop for clothing
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and eat. At least you can always eat.
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I've lived here for 80% of my life, and I still don't know where most
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of the main streets are. And why is our name so freaking unpronounceable?
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Dubuque, sounds like Da-puke or Da-buke. Why does everyone think Dubuque is
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in Jersey, anyway?
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The citizens are absolutely, mind-numbingly stupid. I can't stand
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the way people drive. And what is with all the freaks and psychos that roam
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the streets? Just yesterday, my mother and I were sitting in the car down
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on Main Street when a man walked in front of us, stopped and listened for a
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few seconds, then pointed at our car and started screaming. He then turned
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and walked away, like nothing ever happened. Just go down to Main Street
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sometime and sit for a few minutes. Or better yet, take our fine public
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transportation system for one hour. You'll be amazed.
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Speaking of busses, the passengers aren't the only ones who are
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oddities of nature. I had a bus driver one time make a simple comment on
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the weather, pick up a Styrofoam cup, and started choking and hacking on his
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own spit until he splurted it out into the cup, where he set it down and
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started talking about the Super Bowl.
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I was scared.
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I can say this town sucks, and that nothing is ever going to develop
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here, but at least there aren't very many murderers... that the cops know
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about. Or whatever. God, I hate this town.
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[ (c)!LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #694-WRITTEN BY: BIG DADDY BILL-6/18/99 ]
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