113 lines
6.1 KiB
Plaintext
113 lines
6.1 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #664
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Phairguy?"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 5/31/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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I'll admit: guys piss me off, when I'm interested in them, involved
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with them, dating them, you name it. In fact, sometimes just the mere
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thought of a creature with a mustache and penis makes me throw expensive
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imported vases through picturesque bay windows. However, in a purely
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platonic state, I would much rather spend time with a male as opposed to a
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female.
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Obviously, this is either a severe personality flaw or a product of
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a horrible upbringing. I like to think it is both; however, most people
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only notice the more obvious problems I exhibit and tend to discount the
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masses with whom I spend my time, or rather, that I don't seem to really
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fit with any of them in any sitcom kind of way.
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Growing up, I spent a lot of time with children of both sexes, even
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when I moved countless times. I always tried to hold a same-sex "best
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friend" like all the other girls; however, this often left me, shall we say,
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less than happy. And for all the explanations I will toss about my
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childhood friends, I always seem to neglect all the fun I had: hanging out
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with the guys.
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I was the girl on the playground in first grade who stopped running
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when the guys would chase us, trying to kiss us. It was stupid and cliche
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to run from a stupid boy trying to frighten us away with kisses. In my
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first act of social outcast status, Jason and I kissed on the playground.
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(Two weeks later, he told me how much he loved fishing, and putting
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the worms on the hooks. I stopped talking to him.)
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In third grade, we moved, and I began my career as a misfit in
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another new school. It was... a Catholic school. It was hell.
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If you have ever attended a private Catholic school, you would know
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immediately that, true to stereotype, all the girls are stuck-up snobs and
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all the boys are obnoxious nunbeaters. It was amazing; I was only in third
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grade, yet everyone just seemed so incredibly ignorant.
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I hung out with a couple of the girls, but I had the most fun playing
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Transformers with Harley and Chris, and even occasionally going to Chris's
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house and listening to Bon Jovi. I hung out in my new neighborhood with all
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these cool BMX bike guys, and I hated all the girls -- especially Nikkia.
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That stupid bitch told me that girls get pregnant when a boy puts his finger
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in your middle hole. Luckily I knew better by that age. Magic finger my
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ass.
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In fifth grade I changed schools again, and was faced with a whole
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new neighborhood and school of kids. (At least these ones weren't Catholic
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school brats.) Most of the girls in school were tawny whores and drove me
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up the wall. The few female friends I made liked to steal from me.
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However, Toby and I got along really well. That is, until, the big fifth
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grade romance began. Then he turned into an asshole, but that's beside the
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point.
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Junior high wasn't really all that neat; I had a couple close female
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friends, but most the guys at that age just suck complete and total ass.
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This weird kid, Jason, was really neat. He was a devout Jehovah's Witness
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and unlike anything I'd ever seen. We got into a little trouble here and
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there for talking in class and such.
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High school, of course, was where my social skills went straight out
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the window and I spent a lot of time with all kinds of crazy people. I used
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to think I had very few friends in high school; then, realizing I was
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subscribing to that traditional "same-sex friends" concept, I understood
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that I actually was quite a socialite. I had a ton of guy-friends. A TON.
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And just recently, when visiting a friend, I have managed to keep in touch
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with one of my more prominent male high school friends, and he forced me to
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sing all kinds of bad music for him.
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In college and out, I still hang out with guys as opposed to chicks.
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I have only one close female friend, whereas I have a large circle of male
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friends. And even still, I get into more tizzy silly fights with my one
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female friend than with all my male friends combined.
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I won't go into detail about the guys I ended up dating. I can sum
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it up quite simply: I should not be allowed to date guys. It's just not
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good for anyone involved.
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Some have been known to think that I am too much like a guy for a guy
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to date, because I am very domineering and obnoxious and like G.I. Joe more
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than My Little Pony. I've also been known to do very guy-like things in
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relationships, like not calling back, ditching, going out all night without
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calling, having reckless un-sober sex (leave me alone it was only once), or
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simply being an asshole.
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I've checked my pants several times; I indeed am female. When I do
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stereotypical chick things, like dating assholic guys, I end up being a
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stereotypical chick.
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At first, I thought that maybe I was a gay man trapped in a chick's
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body. Then, I realized that I don't like interior decorating or art or
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butt sex all that much, and knew that couldn't possibly be right. I thought
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that maybe I have some weird Y chromosome that didn't develop the proper
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equipment. Alas, I'm not missing parts, I have completely different parts,
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so it can't just be a simple genetic flaw. Finally, I just wondered if I
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had been given some kind of top-secret brain transplant. I don't know, I
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haven't found any scars yet, so that one just isn't playing out.
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This model's defective, sir. Do I get a refund?
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #664 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 5/31/99 ]
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