125 lines
6.9 KiB
Plaintext
125 lines
6.9 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #628
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "HOE Warzzz"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by RottenZ
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 5/9/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Did you know that there is a new Star Wars film coming out? There
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is! On May 19th, be prepared to use the force as film genius George
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"American Graffiti" Lucas unleases The Phantom Menace on an unsupsecting
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public! Until then, I've written a helpful and informative guide to let
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you, the reader, get to know some of the new (and old!!!) characters. I've
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done this by comparing them to HoE/#e-zine personalities, so that maybe
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you'll have a better understanding of where these dynamic and often deep
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characters are coming from!
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Qui-Gon Jinn (pronounced Kwai-Gon): This masterful jedi has both
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the skill and wisdom to teach his young pupil Obiwan Kenobi the ways of the
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force! But will he be able to help Queen Amadalia and the Senate overcome
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the menacing Trade Federation? Qui-Gon Jinn, of course, is reminiscant of
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NO ONE, because NO ONE is a hero in any of the above categories. Most of
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us are sniveling jerks who are so bloated with self import that it's a
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wonder we don't pop! Qui-Gon has given up his life to train for a cause
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that he purely believes in. Which one of us would do that? I'll tell you
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who. NO ONE.
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Obiwan Kenobi: A young jedi faced with a puzzling future. Should he
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take this boy, Anakin under his wing and train the lad himself, or should
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he complete his own training and turn him over to someone much wiser? But
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wait! He needs to survive this menacing battle with the new Darth Sideous
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first, doesn't he? I believe that I myself most fit the mold of Obiwan.
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I'm young, brash, not trained or honed, and enjoy trying to subvert young
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boys to my powerful will, only to have them turn on me at a later time,
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striking me down, only making me stronger. Also, I'm a very sexy young
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man, as is Ewan McGregor, so... there you go.
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Anakin Skywalker: Ah, poor Anakin. The force is strong with him,
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but this cute little 9 year old boy is doomed with a destiny so dark that
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it overshadows the burning sun. Perhaps if Obiwan weren't so foolish he
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would turn out to be a great savior of the force. Under the careful
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guidance of Jedi Master Yoda, he could lead in a new age of glory to the
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galaxy. Sadly, we all know that this is not to be.
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The role of Anakin is played by Quarex. He's cute enough, sure, and
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maybe even a bit funny, and he seems harmless, although you can see flashes
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of brilliance within him. One day soon, however, he will finally find that
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one corrupting influence, and all hell will break loose. He already looks
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about as attractive as Darth Vader, so once he concentraits his powers on
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good instead of evil, he'll probably control the galaxy AND crush windpipes
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with his mind, or the possible equivilent thereof.
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Queen Amadalia: A young, beautiful queen, caught up in the struggle
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of her life. Her empire is falling victim to the viscious Trade
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Federation, and all that she has been set to lead is crumbling around her.
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All she has to help her is a few scant jedi and a mysterious boy who will
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one day become the most evil creature in the world.
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Meenk reminds me of the young queen, since she's the member of HoE
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who, in their picture, was wearing the most make up. The young queen often
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dresses oddly and wears too much make up, and so does Meenk. The young
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queen also often notices profound insights in the smoke of her cigarette.
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Jar-Jar Binks: Ah Jar-Jar, the poor gungan who's been kicked off of
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Naboo for being the very clumsiest of his rabbit-frog species. When he
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joins up with a couple of jedi in a quest to save the galaxy, zany antics
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are sure to insue!
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Jar-Jar = Swisspope. He's clumsy, has floppy parts, and is
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generally the lovable outcast. Whenever he's around, some sort of
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hilarious, zany antic will be sure to occur. And he's also very fucking
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annoying.
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Senator Palpatine: You know and love him as The Emporer, dreaded
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leader of the Empire. But back in "the day", Palpatine was just one of
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those smiling gladhands that slowly let the galaxy get plunged into war
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after war, all the while setting himself up to take over and become an
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ugly, ugly old man sitting in a very high backed chair.
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Clearly, Palpatine should be played by Crank/Lifelike. Right now,
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there are only subtle hints of the unmitigated, twisted evil that is to
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come, and she, together with Quarex, will soon move to take over
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everything, molding it in their own dark images.
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Mace Windu: One of the heads of the jedi council was created purely
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so Samuel L. Jackson could have a part in it. He's loud, he's black, and
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he's one tough jedi son of a bitch. He is wise and will kick your ass.
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Mogel is just like Mace Windu. As our leader of HoE, he created it
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purely so he could get laid. He's loud, he's black, and he's one tough
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jedi son of a bitch.
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Yoda: A little muppet with a man's hand up his butt. He's also the
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wisest character on the whole planet of Corescunt. Everyone knows Yoda.
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Everyone knows Yoda is wise.
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Kyusaku/Shadow Tao is Yoda. He always despenses cryptic wisdom. He
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is green. And he is more than likely made of plastic.
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Darth Maul is the the funky looking guy that isn't in the movie as
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much as you thought he would be. He kicks some Qui-Gon and Obiwan ass for
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the Trade Federation and the evil Darth Sideous.
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In the HOE version of the movie, Darth Maul would be played by TPP,
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since he strikes quickly and visciously. The problem here is that Maul
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seems to be at least somewhat wise and skilled, and TPP is none of those
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things. So I'll give Darth Maul to Aster, as he parlays a sort of
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"controlled chaos" that only 6 year old girl can emulate.
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Darth Sideous is seemingly the "man behind it all". Evil to the
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core, with a strange similarity to Senator Palpatine. Is he the head of
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the dangerous Trade Federation? IS HE SENATOR PALPATINE? One thing is for
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sure, he is working against the Jedi and wants to bring them all DOWN!
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Once again, see Crank. Or Drew. Basically, Darth Sideous is a
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Crank/Quarex half-breed.
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CP30 and R2-D2: Everyone knows of these lovable droids! They're
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in all the movies! Jamesy and AIDS are these two, since they're annoying,
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overly whiny, and, most importantly, clearly gay.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #628 - WRITTEN BY: ROTTENZ - 5/9/99 ]
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