143 lines
8.9 KiB
Plaintext
143 lines
8.9 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #627
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Boy, Everything Sure is Zany"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 5/9/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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I discover new things every day!
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Like, did you know that Metallica's old music ISN'T a bunch of Satan
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worshipping crap? I mean, it's listenable! When I was a little munchkin, I
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heard Metallica a couple of times before I heard "One" and it was so scary
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and evil and I thought that nobody in their right mind (aka Non Satan
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People) could listen to it without going to hell. Not that this was a
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religious thing, just that it was evil music. In fact, up until TONIGHT I
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thought old Metallica stuff was unlistenable, simply by recalling my
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previous 4th grade experiences. Hell, I even own Live Shit and listened to
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it many times, and thought all the older songs were good, but figured they
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were only good because they had updated them or something. But tonight I
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really wanted to hear Sanitarium for some reason, because I couldn't find
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an mp3 of it anywhere that wasn't live, and I was really surprised to find
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that their older stuff isn't really such a drastic change like I thought it
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was compared to the black album and beyond. I mean, in my head I though t
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there was some bizarre drastic difference in the time period between... And
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Justice For All and the black album that somehow made Metallica a
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completely different band. Now I discover that I was very very wrong! Old
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Metallica kicks very much ass! Why didn't I figure this out sooner? What
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is wrong with me? Why was I so broken?
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And you know what else? Whitesnake's old albums are MUCH better
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than anything by Bon Jovi. I know this because I was feeling very nostagic
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and put this Whitesnake tape in my car. I didn't buy that tape, I stole it
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from this bitch who didn't pay me for babysitting her obnoxious kid, and I
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only took it for "Here I Go Again." But that tape pretty much rocks hard.
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Anyway, I got this hankering to listen to my old Bon Jovi New Jersey tape
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too, and after I listened to Whitesnake in my car for a few days, I
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listened to Bon Jovi. You know what? Except for "Ride Cowboy Ride," a 58
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second kick-ass song on the Bon Jovi tape, everything by Whitesnake was
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much cooler. Why was I so obsessed with Bon Jovi when obviously the whole
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time Whitesnake was kicking their ass? How come I never noticed this back
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then? Maybe it's because I thought Jon Bon Jovi was SO HOT and had posters
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of him all over my room, and David Coverdale wasn't so hot. He had better
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hair than Jon Bon Jovi though, why didn't I notice THAT? Actually, if I
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think about it, back then David Coverdale was much better looking, but he
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looked a lot older than Jon Bon Jovi. Plus, who could compete with Tawny
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Kitaen?
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Also, VH1 pissed me off today. Ever see one of those Before They
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Were Stars thingys? They make SO much crap out of famous people.
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Actually, not all of them are all that famous, some were one hit wonders
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who really don't need to have even MORE crap made out of them. I mean,
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imagine being Brenda K. Starr, who had the hit "I Still Believe" which
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Mariah Carey, one of her former backup singers, covered. They showed some
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old footage of her being in this crappy early '80s movie where she was
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overweight and singing REALLY CHEESY pseudo-rap and dancing like an ass,
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which of course was very common in the early '80s. They kept showing this
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clip throughout the show, comparing people saying "Well at least they never
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had THIS to live down." It annoyed the hell out of me. I mean, this poor
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girl was overweight, and she's not popular or making money these days, and
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here VH1 is, ripping on her. I can understand doing that to someone with
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current financial and other types of success, like maybe Janet Jackson, who
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deserves it. But some innocent little one hit wonder who is now living the
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Joe Average life like the rest of us? That's kind of rude. At least I
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seem to think so. But then again, what do I really know? Maybe she
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ditched one of the producers on a blind date or something, and this was his
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revenge. I suppose we will never know.
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Here's something a trifle retarded. I was watching BET and MTV Jams
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and The Box, trying to bone up on my rap a little bit so I don't get out
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of touch even though there's very little that I like. Anyway, The Box kept
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advertising that you can go to their website (www.thebox.com) and order
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your videos instead of calling the 1-900 number. So I figure, hmmm, why
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not check it out? Well first I was annoyed because you still have to pay
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for the videos, although that wasn't HORRIBLE, just a little annoying.
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Back in the day, you could e-mail them and they would play it for free.
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But anyway, I decided to play their little game and order a video, since
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entering all my information is SO MUCH easier than just picking up the
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phone and calling. Anyway, I get the secure connection dialog box, yay yay
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yay. However, the popup appears saying that they haven't completed the
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site yet and that online ordering wasn't available yet. So, of course,
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every 10 minutes on The Box, there's a commercial for this website, and IT
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DOES NOTHING. It mocks you. It stares at you funny and makes you THINK
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you're doing something cyber chic. Those commie bastards. There's a
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lesson here, a little more broad than Don't Visit TheBox.com, yet a little
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less broad than Don't Go To Websites.
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And why isn't ftp.dto.net working right now? I mean at this very
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second, of course, because as soon as anyone reads this, they're gonna try
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ftp.dto.net and it will work just fine. I'm just annoyed because I'm
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trying to tell my silly canadian friend that he's not the only guy out
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there not getting any, and I wanted to refer him to some Quarex files to
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make him feel better. Alas and alack, THEY WON'T CONNECT. Now he's going
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to kill himself, and you know the last thing the world needs is another
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dead canadian.
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Don't buy the talking Charmander Pokemon toy. You have to put 2 AAA
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batteries in the thing and all it does is say "CHAR" and the tail lights
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up. However, BREAK DOWN ALL DOORS to get the talking Meowth toy! I think
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all they did was re-package the Japanese toy, it's the most hilarious
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thing you'll ever hear! Okay, I'm being a little broad and overgeneral
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like usual, but it's a fabulous toy. Whereas the english dub Meowth speaks
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like an annoying copycat of the old Heathcliff cartoons, the Meowth toy
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SCREAMS AT YOU like a pissed off Japanese crack addict. The package says
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"With Chattering Voice!", I suppose which is their marketing strategy to
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sell a little toy that screams at you in Japanese. I wouldn't exactly buy
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this for a little kid; it's downright scary sounding. But that, of course,
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is all the more reason to buy the toy, and all the more reason why Japan
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kicks ass, and Pokemon kicks ass above much.
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Nothing is more fucked up than an mp3 of the theme to Inspector
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Gadget in French without asking for it.
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Caffeine is a horrible thing. Jerry Springer is a good social
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influence compared to what caffeine does to people.
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You know, the most hilarious thing happened today. A telemarketer
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called me from Sears (a franchise to whom I owe beaucoup dough) and wanted
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to thank me for my recent purchase of a camcorder, along with the
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maintenance agreement. He called to ask if I wanted to put a maintenance
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agreement on my monitor and printer. See, I was not aware that I did NOT
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have a maintenance agreement on my monitor and printer, and well, I didn't
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wanna be fucked since my printer isn't working right, so I took him up on
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it. Funny thing is, they have this security thing where they read you the
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first 7 numbers of your card to you, so that you know they're not scamming
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you, and you verify with the last digits. Well, of course the numbers he
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read me did not match mine, so he had his supervisor looking through
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databases and all that. Meanwhile, he's trying to make small talk, and he
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said, "You know, with this maintenance agreement, it will cover [insert
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whatever coverage here], but not if, oh, you smashed your monitor and
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printer with a sledgehammer. However, if you purchased your sledgehammer
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at Sears with a maintenance agreement on it, and you somehow broke it while
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smashing your monitor and printer, the plan WOULD cover the sledgehammer,
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and you could bring it in for repairs."
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How fucked up is that? And after reading it, do you really care how
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the story ends? Of course not.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #627 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 5/9/99 ]
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