100 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
100 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #603
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "The Girl From Mars'
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 Superhero Story"
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888 888 888 888 888 "
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o (based on actual events, kinda)
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 by Girl From Mars [5/6/99]
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Once upon a time there was a small village inhabited by shiny happy
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college students. All was peaceful in the village because it was protected
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by the all-powerful superhero, the Girl From Mars. The shiny happy college
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students all loved their Martian protector, and she loved them as well.
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Every time there was a problem, the Girl from Mars came to the rescue.
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Problems with registering for classes? She had a magic touch when it came
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to getting through to the phone registration system. Don't know where your
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classes are? Her mind was a veritable map of the village. Hung over? Her
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remedies were the best. The Girl from Mars never faced much adversity, her
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usual enemy was the giant unnecessary bureaucracy which governed the
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village. She was an uncommon superhero in that she did not have an
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Arch-Enemy. That would soon change, or else this is a pretty stupid
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story.
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It was a beautiful sunny day in the village. Everyone went about
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their business with smiles on their faces, for they knew that nothing
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could go wrong under the supervision of their resident superhero.
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Suddenly, the sky grew dark. "Funny, it wasn't supposed to rain today,"
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all the students said to each other. "The Girl from Mars makes sure the
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forecasts in the newspaper are accurate." Then the students heard a
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thunderous guffawing. A voice, from out of nowhere, said, "Haw haw haw, I
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am Superstank, a superhero from the Twonk galaxy. I have come to overthrow
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the Girl from Mars! Haw haw haw!"
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The students hurried to the Girl from Mars' house to tell her the
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dreadful news. The Girl from Mars had never had to deal with a threat of
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this nature, and was not sure what to do. She consulted her beloved
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students, and came to the conclusion that a showdown was in order. She had
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heard much of the Twonk galaxy, and its residents' below-average superhero
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skills. She laced up her steel-toe boots, put on her favorite superhero
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cape, and ventured outside to face her Twonky enemy.
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"Alright Superstank, give me all you've got!" she shouted, ready to
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face anything to save her dear village. Suddenly, a hideous misshapen
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face peered out from behind a tree. "Come and face me, I can handle
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anything you dish out!" the Girl from Mars challenged. The face continued
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to leer out at her from behind the tree. "Come on, then!" the Girl from
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Mars yelled. The creature made itself visible, and shouted at our hero, "I
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am Superstank and I will take over your village!" then Superstank ran off
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in the other direction. "Sheesh, that was weird," thought the Girl from
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Mars.
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For the next few weeks, the Girl from Mars went about her business
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in the village, but wherever she went she saw the horrid countenance of
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her enemy peering out from behind a building or a tree. "Whenever she is
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ready to face me, I am ready," she told her beloved villagers. Superstank
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continued her cat-and-mouse-like game for a few more weeks, then she
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disappeared for a short while. The Girl from Mars was out one morning
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watering flowers when she saw Superstank peering out from behind a park
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bench. This time, Superstank was wearing a big floppy hat and a new
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superhero cape. "Must have gone shopping," thought our hero.
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It turns out that Superstank thought that her frequent costume
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changes would fool the Girl from Mars. Hah! Our hero is not so easily
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fooled. The Girl from Mars had long tired of Superstank's puerile antics,
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and had begun to ignore her, until one day she opened her front door to
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find a flaming bag of some animal's excrement. "OK, I've just got to kick
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this raunchy superhero-wannabe's arse now!" yelled the Girl from Mars. The
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Girl from Mars knew of the Twonkians' love of writing and their lack of
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talent for doing so. The superheroes of the Twonk galaxy were pretentious
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idiots, according to her Superhero Handbook. Our hero had an idea. She
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walked outside and shouted at the sky, "Alright Superstank, it's time for
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a showdown. Bring your best writing and I'll bring mine, and the
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professors from the college in the village will rate them. The professors
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are neutral parties, in that they are not the students whom I look after,
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and they are not the bureaucracy with whom I spar. Now bring it on, you
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stank biatch!"
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Superstank was definitely up for this contest, being as she thought
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she was a great writer. She dug up her favorite of her poems, entitled
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"S&M and Sucking Cock." "This'll get 'em," she thought, "They're going to
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love it because I say 'cock' in it and it's so cool and trendy to be vulgar
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and crass! I will definitely take over the village, MWAHAHA!"
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The Girl from Mars grabbed any old thing she wrote and brought it to
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the panel of professors. The professors looked at Superstank's poem, and
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shouts of "Christ! What pretentious crap!" and "I wrote shit like this
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when I was twelve!" were heard. When they read the Girl from Mars' poem,
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they shrugged and said that it would do. The crowd of our hero's beloved
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students all pointed at the so-called villain and laughed as she flew off
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back to her galaxy. "I'll be back, Girl from Mars," she cackled, "and I'll
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bring some of my friends, you won't be so tough then!" The Girl from Mars
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shrugged and said "Do what you will, I'll still KICK YO ASS!!!" The crowd
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cheered, and lived happily ever after. There were occasional visits from
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the staring eyes of Superstank, but she was laughed out of the village
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whenever she surfaced.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #603 - WRITTEN BY: GIRL FROM MARS - 5/6/99 ]
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