79 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
79 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #601
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Three Stories for Children
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 of All Ages"
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888 888 888 888 888 "
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by Phairgirl [5/6/99]
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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"Basket Case"
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One day, Basket Case had a pain in her side. She ran to the
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Hospital and said that she had appendicitis. It was gas. The doctor took
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her to the mental ward. There, she met a sweet old gentleman named Barney
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The Book Bear. He sang a song that went, "Apples are so good to eat, good
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to eat, good to eat, apples are a special treat, so eat one every day."
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Basket Case then knew that she had met her true love. She asked Barney,
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"Can we _do it_?" Barney said, "Teach me how." They sniffed butts, it was
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amazing. So satisfying that they each had a cigarette. Barney said, "Can
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we do this again sometime?" Basket Case said, "Nope--I guess I was wrong
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about you." She chased Barney around the psycho ward with a butcher knife.
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"Highyah! Shoot, missed," said she. "Waaaaaa--" And with a twist and a
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mighty blow, Barney's head blew off and rolled out the door. "Soccer in
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the gym," yelped Basket Case and kicked the head there. No one noticed at
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all. Even with all the blood on the floor. Then Doctor Idyot walked down
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the hall. "G'Morning, Basket Case." "Mornin, Dr. Idyot--Is everything
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fine?" BANG! She shot the city sheriff. BANG! Ploppity plop plop (that's
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his head bouncing) ca-roak. "That's quaint," said Ms. Case. Then Superman
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killed her. Then he ate her for supper. He digested her and she rolled
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out his large intestine "PLOP" into his potty. "Turdy came back!" Superman
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yelled.
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[-----]
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"The Adventures of Blobby Blob -- The Kid That Is Lard"
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Blobby Blob saw a girl at school and went to talk to her. But she
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thought it was somebody's spit and screamed. Blobby became a manic
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depressant. He felt the need to do something naughty. Something--lardy.
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So he went to the Hostess factory and was put in a Twinky. At lunch, the
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girl he liked unwrapped him and took a bite. He flowed out of the last
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injection hole into her lap. "Oh eek!" yelled the girl. "Whoo ha ha ha
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ha!" screamed Blobby as he completely engulfed the girl. "Yum," he smiled,
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and began eating everyone he saw. There was a great panic and most
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everyone was running fast. But not as fast as Blobby Blow. The whole
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city was gulped in one giant lardy gulp. "I have not yet satisfied my
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thirst for blood!" began Blobby. "I must eat more human flesh!" But then
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Jean Claude Van Damn ate the blob of lard and was possessed. He, instead
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of eating people, ate HoHo's. The possessed Mr. Van Damn ate so many
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HoHo's that he couldn't be a fighter guy like Arnie Schwarzenegger. Now
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he's partners with the Ziploc guy, Perry Mason, and Earthquake (a wrestling
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team--he's the manager).
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[-----]
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"Sam The Smelly Sock"
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One day, Sam the Smelly Sock went a-smelling down the street. Sam
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met a big dog named Fido. Fido smelled Sam and ran away, so Sam cried. He
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soon was over that and walked through a flower garden. All of the flowers
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died. Sam started crying again. Sam became suicidal, so he tried to shoot
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himself. The bullets disintegrated. He jumped off a building but the dead
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carcasses softened the fall, like he fell on towels washed in Downy. Sam
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tried to stab himself, but the knife became as rubbery as Play-Doh. He
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tried to do a drug overdose, but they sprouted legs and ran for their
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lives. He was going to slit his wrists but remembered he had none. Sam
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then attempted to drown himself in the Mississippi River. But the minute
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he hit, environmentalists pulled him out because he was causing toxic
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pollution. So Sam locked himself in the garage and turned on the car. The
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car started to bubble. Maybe Sam could fry himself to death. So he jumped
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into the ball of acid that the melted car had become. The acid ran away
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from him and melted off the garage door for relief. So Sam buried himelf
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alive but the dirt kept running away. Then Sam saw a thing called "soap."
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Sam doused himself with it. The soap didn't run away! Sam died of shock.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #601 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 5/6/99 ]
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