68 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
68 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #593
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "My Very First HOE Article
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 by RottenZ"
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888 888 888 888 888 "
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by RottenZ [4/24/99]
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Mongels always's bitching at me to write something for HOE. So
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today I have. I think that you'll be hard pressed to find a more solidly
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written piece of 20th century prose.
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Usually, I don't have anything to say on matters that don't, in
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some way, relate to Star Wars, professional wrestling, or Magic: The
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Gathering. I call these things the Holy Trinity of my life, in ways quite
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similar to the "Holy Trinity" that Catholics claim to worship in their
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churches and synagogues around our fair country. That is, I see these
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things as one entire entity instead of three separate incarnations. I am
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monotheistic in my praise for the unholy Lucas-created, McMahon-maintained,
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Wizards of the Coast behemoth that I have constructed into my mind. Quite
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frankly, these are the only things I give a fuck about, and I don't have
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time in my life for much else.
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I have just lied to you, and what a clever lie it was, indeed!
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There is a forth thing that I care about, and that isn't counting basic,
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every day needs such as toiletries and fast food, for I don't count them as
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things you really care about. You just need them. No, this forth thing is
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something entirely unrelated to my Holy Trinity (explained above, stupid!)
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and life's basic necessities. Have you discovered my secret? No, of
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course not, you foolish little imp! The brainpower required to be able to
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decipher my code above would be greater than that of R2-D5, mightiest and
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most cunning of the R2 starmech droid series! The pleasure I am obtaining
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from this writing is quite rich, but I will spare you any more suspense.
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Soft-core pornography. That is correct. Soft-core porno is my
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secret indulgence. Scratch that last part, because I guess it is a secret
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no longer. How I yearn so often when sitting in class or locked in a
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heated confrontation between my trample deck and my friend Howie's
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counterspell deck (with that blasted Leviathan that he somehow manages to
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get to work, and I've never seen ANYONE else able to use a Leviathan
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effectively) or when perhaps I'm leafing through the back issues of Dark
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Horse comic books (I know Timothy Bradstreet personally!) I will suddenly
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be overcome with an urge to run home and partake in a viewing of some
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simple, cock-less soft-core action. It is both uncomfortable and, at the
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same time, wildly exhilarating to know of my hot, hot little addiction.
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I must stress something here that I have mentioned briefly above.
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The word "cock-less" is essential in my explanation to you, although I
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hardly believe that I must justify my beliefs to any-one else. I simply
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don't like looking at the male genitalia. Certainly, the anus, exposed,
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open vagina, and other in depth viewing spots of hard-core pornography are
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things I can do without, but it is the cock that I miss the least of all of
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these things. I will try to set up an analogy so that you may understand.
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To see a cock in a porno is a strong turn off to me, much the same way that
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to see Han Solo, perfect archetype of reckless, unshaven rebellion, not
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blast that little bastard Gweedo first is a strong downer. That strong,
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thick member on screen is roughly equivalent to the little son of a bitch
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getting off that first shot before meeting his final and justifiable fate.
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I also can do without the money shot, for when watching such
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pornography, I have little trouble in providing my own "money" shot, if you
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get my drift.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #593 - WRITTEN BY: ROTTENZ - 4/24/99 ]
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