156 lines
6.3 KiB
Plaintext
156 lines
6.3 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #564
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "The New Adventures of..."
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Nybar
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/11/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Whoopi Goldberg: "Nybar lived a very full life, artistically, and as an
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ass-pirate at all of New York's shiek night clubs. He
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never, ever compromised his vision. Who can forget "When
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Will My Burrito Be Done?", a true pensive masterpiece.
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Actually, there is one black mark on his career, "When
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Will My Burrito Be Done 2: This Time, I'm REALLY Fucking
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Hungry".
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A monitor begins playing a clip from the infamous "When Will My
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Burrito Be Done?":
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Contemplative agony. I watch the numbers go by. 2:00, 1:59, 1:48
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1:25... such a sad old feeling. The hunger gnaws at me. Finally, I hear
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it. The clarion call of redemption. The beep. I open the microwave. I
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pick up the burrito. I take a bite. And suddenly... my world explodes...
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into PAIN!!! IT'S TOO FUCKING HOT!!
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The clip stops.
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Whoopi: "Obviously, the evocativeness of this kind of scene can't be
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replicated by a sell out working for a major studio, which is
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what Nybar became when he worked for Mogel, the evil founder of
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the h0e empire, which even now is churning out crap like this.
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A monitor begins playing a clip from "When Will My Burrito Be
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Done 2: This time, I'm REALLY Fucking Hungry".
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A rainy night. A dark, forboding castle. Some... uh, creepy music.
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A clap of thunder, which reveals Nybar, standing over an operating table
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with a burrito on it. Attached to the burrito, are all kinds of
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electrodes. A lil' hunchbacked version of Jubjub stands by.
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Nybar: "Jubjub... when the lightning strikes... I can finally rid myself
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of this hunger! Why, oh why, did I smoke that bowl?"
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Jubjub: "I await your word, Nybar!"
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Nybar: "But, my word is your command, right, Jubjub?"
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Jubjub: "Correct"
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Nybar: "So, why not just say 'I await your command'... it was clearly
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called for, why leave it to doubt?"
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Jubjub: "I didn't NEED to say it. That's how tight we are... in the mad
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scientist/hunchback relationship... in the master/slave S&M
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relationship, even as goat/horse in the fantasy world barnyard
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horniness relationship (www.nybarsgoats.com)."
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Nybar: "Jubjub... I love you, man!"
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Jubjub: "There's no time for that now... our work is nearly at hand! We
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have GRAND PLANS for this burrito!"
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Jubjub gestures at the burrito, which sits pensive. Nybar blinks.
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Nybar: "Yeah. I'm going to eat it. Last time I burned my fucking tongue,
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but this time.... ohhh this time..." *thunder CLAPS*
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"... JUBJUB! NOW!"
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Jubjub pulls the lever... and the Burrito is completely burnt to a
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crisp.
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Nybar: "Fuck. Let's just eat some dorritos."
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The Clip stops.
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Whoopi: "Yes, many thought that Nybar, as an artist, was going down the
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sell out route with the advent of this P.O.S. But after that, he
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came back, stronger then ever, with his film noir, "The Death of
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a Mogel".
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A clip of "The Death of a Mogel" plays:
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Nybar and Mogel are sitting on a porch in a quaint midwestern
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setting, in rocking chairs, drinking lemonade.
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Nybar: "Mogel, would you like some more lemonade?"
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Mogel: "Why yes, Nybar. That would be delightful!"
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Nybar: "Ok, here you go!"
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Nybar pours Mogel a glass of Lemonade. Mogel drinks it.
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Mogel: "Uh, Nybar... I think there's something wrong with this lemonade."
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Nybar: "Why yes, Mogel. That makes sense. Since it is really my pee-pee."
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Mogel: "Why, Nybar, that is not very nice... hrmm... and now my eyes seem
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to be melting out."
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Nybar: "Why yes, Mogel, that is because my pee-pee is very toxic, after
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drinking lots of prussic acid."
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Mogel: "But why doesn't it affect you?"
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Nybar: "Because it's *MY* pee-pee!"
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Mogel dies.
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Nybar: "Well. Wellwellwellwellwellwellwell."
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Nybar takes a sip of lemonade.
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Nybar: "You know, Mmogel ..."
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Mogel's quickly dessicating head looks at Nybar.
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Nybar: "Oh yeah, you're dead."
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(Meanwhile, inside Nybar's brain:
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Nybar's brain: "You realize, Nybar, that you could be arrested
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for murder."
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Nybar: "But it was *MY* peepee!"
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Nybar's Brain: "Sorry, the peepee exemption was struck from the books
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after the Niggaz v Honkies case, 1943 (Johnson)."
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Nybar: "Well, shit. What do you want me to do...?"
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Nybar's Brain: "AHHHHHHHHH%Tyt221"
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<Nybar's brain dies.>
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In the real world:
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Nybar is drinking a can of spray-paint.
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Nybar: "Hrmm, now what can I do withsh dish here bodyily oddily?
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Oh, I know!!!"
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Nybar uses his penis to slice through Mogel's body's neck, and then
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flushes the head down the toilet.
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Nybar: "There! With the 'Sliced Head Off Body With Penis Then Flushed
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Head Down Toilet' exemption, I'm in the clear (Remember the
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Transvestite vs Lesbian case of 1962 -Stan)."
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The Clip Ends.
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Whoopi: "See? Pure brilliance. In all of this, it could be said that
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Nybar was really... an enigma. He never really was close to
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anybody, but he was a master of Filmaking. A film maker is a man
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that needs to get by on the power of his wisdom of B-movies, and
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his ability to suck the penises of studio executives. When that
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deserts him, he has nothing. Nothing, but memories. And dreams.
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<Whoopi pauses.>
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"Cya later all! Coming up next on Fox-5 is 'When Mayonnaise is
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Left Out 4: The Midwestern Fandango'".
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Nybar: "Hey wait! I'm not dead!"
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Whoopi: "Ok, we'll cut that part out of the rerun.."
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Elvis shoots the TV.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #564 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR - 4/11/99 ]
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