157 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
157 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #560
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Create Your Own Fun!"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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It's tough living in a small, podunk, empty, loser little town in
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the middle of nowhere. If you haven't experienced this, then just take my
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word for it: almost 22 years of blissful boredom experience can speak
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volumes. Granted, they're not the most exciting volumes you would ever
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read, but they exist if you should care.
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Anyway.
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I doubt anyone could dispute that I've lived one of the most
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boring existences that ever, ummm, existed. It's not completely my fault;
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my family is poor, but not so poor that we've done cool exciting things
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like lived in shelters and had to beg on the streets. I guess I'm saying
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that my family was poor enough to be on welfare for an incredible number
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of years and to never take any kind of "family vacation". Needless to say,
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I never left the immediate area of Iowa, Wisconsin, and Illinois until I
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turned 18. (That's when I got to see Minnesota! Yay!)
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After all this time of sitting around and brooding in my stupid
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Iowa town with stupid Iowa people doing stupid Iowa things, I thought to
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myself, wow, I'm not insane. Okay, I'm insane, but I'm not running around
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24 hours a day in circles screaming about purple and yellow alligators
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eating all the daisies or something else your typical insane person would
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scream. Obviously, I found _some_ way to keep myself occupied.
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But, what if you DON'T have almost 22 years experience in the art
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of boredom? And what if, for some evil and heinous reason, you should
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find yourself in a completely boring and utterly useless situation? Will
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you know what to do? Will you be able to remain coherent, lucid, and
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communicative?
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And so, I shall share with you some ways that I have learned to
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create my own fun. It's not as easy as it looks, finding ways to stay
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reasonably occupied. Without the proper experience, you may find yourself
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shouting about alligators and purple and yellow flowers and the like.
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I want to help you.
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I want to _save_ you.
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Fun Thing #1: Quietly Happy
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===========================
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This is the easiest way to create your own fun. They can usually
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be done without leaving home and rarely bothering anyone around you.
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Read a book. Watch TV or a movie. Draw. Color. Put together a puzzle.
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Play solitaire. Stir. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
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This is the lame way to stay sane. It will eventually drive you
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crazy. But for short periods of time, it will help.
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Fun Thing #2: Group Boredom
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===========================
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If you have any friends, this is an easy way to have an enjoyable
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day or evening. Get ahold of some other similarly bored people and go to
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a movie. Or, go play pool at a bar. Hang out at a local 24-hour
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restaurant and chit-chat. Drive around and "scope out the honeys". Play
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tag. Jump rope.
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This is also very lame, but you won't feel _nearly_ as bored,
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since you will be sharing your boredom with others. However, continuing
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this method of fun will eventually lead to group psychosis.
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Fun Thing #3: Silly Pranks
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==========================
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It really is required to have at least one friend for this, because
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doing silly pranks just for yourself will not give the required ego boost
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that showing off for someone else will give. Make crank phone calls (watch
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out for Caller ID, however). T-P a mean person's house. Set a bag of
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doggie doo-doo on fire on someone's doorstep, then knock. Knock over a
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porch swing. Throw a dead bird on someone's lawn. Climb up a movie
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theater sign and rearrange the letters.
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They're lame, but fun, and quasi-legal. The worst that could happen
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is being caught and yelled at. And either way, that's not so horrible. In
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fact, that can be more fun than the pranks themselves.
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Fun Thing #4: Break Stuff
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=========================
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This usually requires a car and a group of darkly-clothed friends.
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The most exciting way to use this way to create fun is to do drive-by
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smashings. Baseball bats are nice, but not necessary. Some traditional
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Iowa versions of breaking stuff include picking up virgin Mary statuettes
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and smashing them in driveways, throwing lawn furniture through windows,
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and kicking lawn globes.
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If you are on a farm, the next best thing would be cow tipping (not
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near as fun).
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This is definitely the illegal way to create fun. But, baby, it's
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fun. Getting caught is a definite no-no. Don't even entertain the
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thought. If so, you'll have to graduate to...
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Fun Thing #5: Car Chases
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========================
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This is the most wonderfully exciting way to have a ton of fun.
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One tried-and-true method is to throw things at a pick-up truck in the
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lane next to yours at a stoplight. Another is to get caught doing bad
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things and outrunning the police. Last but not least, screaming at a
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carful of teenage guys in a new Mustang that Daddy must love them _much_
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more than most daddies love their little boys to buy them a new Mustang
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will usually do the trick.
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This one sucks if you own a Geo Metro. Don't attempt this unless
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you know your car can pull a 90 degree left turn at 40 mph and you know
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the town layout _very well_. Trust me -- car chases with an out-of-towner
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behind the wheel will force you to end up in a private driveway and
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blocked in so that you will have to narrowly escape plowing over an
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innocent baby tree and jumping a huge curb to be on your merry way.
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Fun Thing #6 (by difficulty): Get Drunk, Get High, and/or Get Laid
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==================================================================
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Fun for all. Make sure you have some friends, or these ways to
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have fun might just lead you back to boredom (or stiff knuckles).
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For some, this is the Ultimate Achievable Goal and tends to occur
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every Saturday. For others, this will never, ever happen. Nonetheless,
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it is definitely the most popular method of occupying eons of boredom-time;
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however, many fail to realize that actually, they're all still bored as
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hell.
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Fun Thing #7: "Other"
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=====================
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Picture it: You can make your own bombs and kill people you don't
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like, don't care about, or just don't even know! Or, you can practice
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your Jim Rose Sideshow skills by picking up cement blocks with your
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nipplerings. Not to mention all the fun you can have with your new Ronco
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Food Dehydrator!
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I do not recommend anything in the "other" category. It is
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unapproved unless done to achieve Fun Thing #6.
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And if all else fails... should you find yourself completely bored
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and useless and going insane... run away. Run to a cold, dark place, and
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die. Put yourself out of the hellish misery that is boredom. Snuff it.
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Jump from a very high place. Consume mass quantities of Drain-O. Break
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out the Glock 9. Whatever. You never know... it might be fun.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #560 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 4/6/99 ]
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