300 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
300 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #558
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "For Kelly 7-9"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Isaac
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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(#7)
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I have made many bad decisions in my life. One of them was not
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taking PE at all last year when I actually still had some ability to do
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physical crap. Now I have to take it when I have grown a potbelly and
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developed a weak heart. They make me walk. I just learned never to wear
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flannel boxers ever again in PE, because even though I walk really slow
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with like little baby steps my underwear gets all bundled up and starts
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chafing all that skin between my legs and under my scotum, and I have to
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keep pulling it. I develop a real sensitive rash or something down there
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now and the next day it really hurts to walk normal so I am just like
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"fuck it" and I walk all weird so that the skin doesn't rub and hurt.
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People look at me like "uh ok, you are definitely retarded or something"
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and I am like "YEAH, I am so retarded I forgot how to walk right, along
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with all of that other social shit I forgot how to do right. So fuck you".
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I used to get really bad pains in my chest all the time and I
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figured it was just gas or something so I used to take a lot of antacids
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and i would carry them around in my pocket in a little plastic bag. Now i
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get pains in my chest again but these are much different. They aren't gas
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pains anymore. They are like "I feel like I am about to start crying or
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vomiting or something" type pains. But sometimes they aren't painful at
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all like when I am at lunch with Kelly and I start shaking uncontrollably
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and get this really strange tingling in my chest. One time I seemed to
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turn the shaking into a game where I would try to control it and I would
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stop for a second or two and it would start again and I then I would just
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laugh at myself because it was like "why I am shaking!? my body is so
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funny".
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I have many images that come into my head. Especially during
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presleep, but sometimes I get very interesting ones that seem to come from
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no where. One time I get this image of this weird mental grid pattern of
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long hexagons and it makes me thing of a fence and behind them is strange
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yellow fluid background with green spots. Other images are not so
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picturesque. Sometimes I will see what I call "my sky" which just a
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gray-blue sky but the emotions and feelings I get are so interesting to
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me. Such a simple thing means so much to me. I have many objects like
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that which I can call up or picket out of my magical sack of mind forms.
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It wasn't until I saw paintings by Bocklin that reminded my of those mind
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forms that I realized that what people call "art" is really just a method
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to make those objects that exist in the mind more lucid and real.
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Perhaps the mystery of being really is not a problem to be solved
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but a reality to be felt. If that is true then I have already felt it. It
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is a mind form I call "the Tao" which is a name I gave it when I read
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about Taoism and the concept of formless non-being. That mind form is hard
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is very to get to though. I have to first try to conceptualize the whole
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of the material universe then see "behind it" to the static formless
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constant that is "the Tao". I could only feel it for moments at a time.
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I used to meditate trying to just feel it for a long time. Feelings are
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impossible to communicate though unless the receiver already knows the
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feeling. Again, it is like trying to teach colors to the blind.
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I have decided that I hate my penis. It just gets in the way. I
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want to get a complete castration and just have smooth skin crotch. Now
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THAT would enhance my life a lot more then developing my social skills.
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But then I would have to sit or squat to pee, so nevermind.
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Writing these letters wouldn't be as fun if I didn't give them to
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Kelly. I don't know why that is. I decided I am just going to keep
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writing her "letters" until one day I give her a letter and she just rips
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it up and throws it on the ground and is like "I don't want anymore of your
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pointless letters you crazy, pathetic fuck!". Actually, that is the method
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I hope she uses when she finally does get sick of my letters. She will
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probably be able to "end it" without saying anything somehow, and the whole
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situation will just be really sad and depressing.
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I decided that from now on I am just going to think she enjoys my
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letters, sense she doesn't actually say anything about them.
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(#8)
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I like to swing. In my backyard the ground is covered in clovers
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and shaded by trees and it is really nice to go out there and swing or
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just sit in a swing under a tree. The swing has a plastic blue seat and
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yellow ropes and one is pretty low to the ground and one is really high
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and I usually sit in the low one sense the high one is hard to get on. I
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think differently when I am in the swing. I feel free to let my thoughts
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just flow uncontrolled and think peaceful thoughts. I call that my "fun
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time". Also, I will spin and slowly wind up the rope and then let it turn
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me slowly as it unwinds. Today I actually started swinging and it feel
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really good.
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I had a really bad migraine today. I rarely have those. They are
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different then headaches because they only last about 3 seconds and they
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are very painful and after it is gone I am really scared it will come
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again so I sit really still and try not to trigger one with stress, even
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though I don't really know what triggers those, but just calmly sitting
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really still seems to help.
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I have talked of mind forms and how they affect me. There is one
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that I have experienced my whole life that I used to call "little-big"
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and now I think a better name to call it is "the duality". I lost the
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method of inducing it though. It would come to me during presleep about
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once every year and sometimes many times in a month. It was partly an
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image but mostly an intense feeling that would paralyze me in awe. It was
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wonderful and so fascinating. It was inhuman and alien, but it was "my
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alien", in the sense that it was mine but not of the world I came from.
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It has a black background and it is composed of lines I think. Or maybe
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points. I don't remember it or how to explain it now. I became obsessed
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with trying to draw it though when I 10 and then again when I was 14 (See
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picture; cone shaped object). Sometimes it was in my dreams also, in the
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form or incasing a merry-go-round or something. This is important though
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because I always felt that if I solved the mystery of the little-big I
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would gain a grand, profound insight into something. Now, I seem to have
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no ability to recall it or have an desire to peruse it. I feel like it may
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come back again later in life. One time I thought maybe it might be
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something everyone feels or "gets" but the people I talked to had no idea,
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and I still search for people who can relate to it and I show them the
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drawing because I know if I saw someone else draw anything like that I
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would know immediately what that was a symbol of.
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Anyway that was in someway also a symbol of my "dark" part of life
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(I always talk of the unconscious or the place one searches for something
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"dark"). Now I seem to be entering a part of my life where socially
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oriented skills and experiences are becoming more and more important. I
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could feel it creep up in me like something that was telling me "sorry,
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fun is over now you must get "real", and it would tell me in my growing
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discomfort of introspection and meditation. At first I thought that the
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problem was that I was losing my touch and that I just needed to hold fast
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to my path and endure the pain as something of a growth experience (what
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doesn't kill you only makes you stronger). In this time all my dreams
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became either disturbing erotic dreams, dreams of war and earth
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destruction, dreams of me looking for a small girl demon in dark places,
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or dreams of me killing people or getting killed by cutting them or
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stabbing them to death (mostly negative dreams). I also begin to see that
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people saw social life as "real life" and I felt this was a sad or cruel
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illusion in the human mind, but I felt myself slipping into the same mind
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set which further complicated my situation. This is also the time of the
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bad chest pains.
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My mind used to always race through things and thoughts and find the
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questions and answers and the images and mind forms and identify the
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direction of the nova-object. Now it kept stumbling and becoming lost and
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confused sometimes and that was extremely painful. I always felt like
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people didn't know real pain for they seemed so distressed at physical pain
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but physical pain very much pales in comparison with the pain of a mind in
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great distress. So I started to do what I though was weird things and
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behavior. I would just start walking around pointlessly to calm myself. I
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looked for the good feelings once again as I had as a child. I became more
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extroverted. I start writing letters to a girl named Kelly, and I become
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nervous because I was doing something on "feeling" and you must understand
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I am not conformable when I don't really know the objective of an action.
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So, the letters became all about me and why I was writing them.
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---
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Kelly is really nice and not just in the kind way. She is nice like
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when I swing with the clovers and the trees. I really loved talking to her
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and I should really tell her that just so she knows and doesn't think I
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think low of her or something, because she is very smart and interesting
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just as I thought she would be.
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When I talk with Kelly just hearing her voice makes me smile and
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when she laughs I laugh and I get this really pleasant feeling. It is just
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really good. That is the best way to describe it is "good". I love how she
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tries to humor me when I said something about not minding silence and she
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gets silent thinking I am enjoying it when what I enjoy is her talking but
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only if she is enjoying it also. I didn't want her to feel pressure to
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keep talking just to fill silence (maybe I should have said that instead).
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I feel really nice for the first time in a long time. In fact I have
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almost forgotten how "nice" felt. It was like all those other times I
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thought I was feeling okay and good was just fake and beneath it all I
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still had the sick feelings. The cynical and cold tone in my voice seems
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to be diminishing.
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Caroline calls me:
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c: so Kelly called you?
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i: yes
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*silence*
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i: she is really nice *with an unlike you tone*
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c: you love her.
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i: *laugh* no, I don't love her... she is just really nice
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c: you know I don't really feel like talking to you. so bye
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i: *laugh* whatever
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(#9)
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Even though I have solved the mystery of my distressed mind I still
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have not "found the way" or developed a method. God, I am such a
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programmer. I try to put life to a program, and I assert that my behavior
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and persona as something I can manipulate. I am so naive.
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Dream segment:
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I am sitting at a picnic table with Kelly, Jay, and some other
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undefined passive people. The picnic table is in the middle of a cobble
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stone road and there is one long concrete wall beside us. I draw a stick
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figure symbolizing Kelly high up on the wall. I draw straight lines
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symbolizing sunshine emanating from Kelly, I guess in an attempt to express
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that she is "The Sun". Then Jay draws a figure below that of Kelly
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depicted as a Bunny. Jay says something like "I like bunnies" (in an 'I
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like bunnies in a sexual way' tone). Then I see Jay chase after some pink
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cartoonish bunny. Then Kelly draws a symbol-picture of me with wavy lines
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emanating from it. I look at her for an explanation and she says, "Those
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are stink lines". I realize she is mocking my depiction of her. I say,
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"oh I get it".
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*end*
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The only task I ever feel good about doing now is writing these
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letters. Everything else is shit.
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My persona and ego-validity have been thrown into the air and shot
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at. The bullets are these letters. I realized I have to write out my
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thoughts now and I have to give them to Kelly because of my mentality
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slipping into that of socialite where the "social world" is the "real
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world". I think thats sad but I think a lot of things are "sad". Through
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that method the bullets of will actually hit their target. Otherwise, if
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I just continued with my introverted thoughts the bullets would be dodged
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easily and would fail at killing this old, obsoleted, worn out, inadequate
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mentality, persona, etc. I need to find ways of completely killing it,
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though. It is still there in on thrown in the sky and I realized this when
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I observed my behavior around people last Saturday. Soon I predict it to
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all come crashing down in a fiery mess. From my present state I can not
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really predict what following reformation will result in, but it will
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probably have something to do with Kelly.
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I love trees. I love all plants. To me they are the symbol of
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wu wei, a Taoist method that is best described as inaction. To be still
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and quiet in observation instead of going out and doing something. If the
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trees had a human mind they would probably see humans as we see those fly's
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that live for about a week and whos life consists of flying around,
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knocking up some other fly and then flying somewhere to die. I want to be
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like the trees and live for the means and not the ends. "I am coming
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Valhalla" is the motto of the man of ends. He ends things or reaches his
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long sought after end in a violent or loud event. He runs out to war for
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the two things he loves which is kill and die. He is the one that the
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concept of "games" applies to. Games has objectives or ends. To be the
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sage or the tree means to live not to play games.
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I think people spend their lives with distractions like video games,
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music, and everything else described as entertainment. I think even what
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people call work is just a distraction. We could live in a totally
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automated system where all things run off energy sources like the sun and
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kinetic energy around us. Even the growing and distributing of food
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requires no man power. The only thing humans possess that we can not
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replace with a tool is their minds. The only task worth anything to me is
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development of the mind. People express that if something like that
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happened we would all become "lazy", etc. What they are really are afraid
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of is giving up their distractions and being forced to face themselves and
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reality. The Chinese realized this 2500 years ago when they were in a state
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of warring and all there seem to be was the killing and the dying. They
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had reached the pinnacle of the "love the ends and not the means" and it
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was very easy for them to finally look around and laugh at what fools they
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were. But, in actually that did not happen. Only a very few realized this
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and developed the philosophy of Taoism and when they realized that the
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Chinese where too blind to see the "colors" they left and carried the
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knowledge to Tibet.
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It is true that I am "interested" in Kelly. But it is more than
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that I am interested in what Kelly symbolizes for me. She is the good
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feelings and the initiator of a new mentality. She symbolizes the Lucifer
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I search for or the light. No longer is knowledge and mental strength the
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objects of my desire. I desire the good feelings and in my regression to
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a social orientation the good feelings find there host image Kelly.
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tu ra-lu ra-lu-ra
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tu ra-lu ra-la
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tu ra-lu ra-lu-ra
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an Irish lullaby
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I when I stopped sing the Mrs. Suzie song to comfort me I started
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singing that song. Caroline said it was because Kelly is Irish. Perhaps
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Kelly is Irish genetically but she is not Irish like that song is Irish.
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I do think fondly of Ireland but in a strange way. Catholicism lets the
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mind to sleep. There is a mentality of mixing humor with logic to mock
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life on an unconscious level or in other words to laugh at themselves as
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being conscious of anything. They know of being nothing and they know that
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all feelings are pain. They can reconcile the opposites of "good feeling"
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and "bad feeling" into just feeling like the Buddhist. But they are the
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only ones who do it completely unconsciously or as something of there
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inner structure and then be able to laugh at themselves for having desires.
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This is the Irish mentality that fascinates me, but it is certainly not
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present in all "Irish" things. But I am certain it can be identified in the
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Gaelic language. Perhaps this is all a hard thing to understand and I am
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just not wording it write or explaining it enough. I will stop though, and
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collect my thoughts later on that subject to make them more understandable,
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or see if all that I am saying is just crap, because I am trying to
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translate my feelings on a subject to thoughts.
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I don't understand how one can get lost in thought. I think people
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get lost in not thinking.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #558 - WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 4/6/99 ]
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