140 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
140 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #548
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Instruction Manual for
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 The Sexually Frustrated"
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888 888 888 888 888 "
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by Reflecks [4/3/99]
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Table of Contents.
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Volume One
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Page
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1 ..... Preface
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2 ..... Genitals
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3 ..... A Word on Pick-up Lines
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4 ..... Why She Looks Prettier When You're Drunk
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5 ..... Conclusive Words
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Volume Two
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Page
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1 ..... What To Do When You Can't Get a Date
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2 ..... The Kleenex. Snot-rag or God's Gift to Man?
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3 ..... When Human Relationships Fail
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Page 1
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So you bought this pamphlet.
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Sometimes, hormones get the best of us. We can't find a hole or
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stump to mount even if we were lost in the produce aisle of the local
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supermarket. Never fear, friendly hornball! Help is here!
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For the past three weeks, our freelance researchers have worked
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non-stop, round the clock at the local grocery stores, laundromats, and
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gay bars to get you only the best information! We here at the Kama Sutra
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InfoZine Publishing House believe that you, the sex-seeking and lonely
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pimple-faced geek, who hasn't felt a girl's hand since 1984 when your
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sister played doctor with you in the backroom when you swore you wouldn't
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touch her "tongue depressor" with your "magic pixie stick", deserve a
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break!
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Without further ado, turn the page.
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( ) Every year, 7 men
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__/_ sustain injuries
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/ _\___ to the genitals
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/\ \______ in vacuum-related
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/ / ( : : )-----' accidents.
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~ ~ -.--.- Don't become a statistic.
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Page 2
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Genitals, those soft, fuzzy instruments you often see while washing
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"down there". On men, the genitals consist of the Dingaling and the dangly
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bits. Take care when dealing with the dangly bits, as overly fondling
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them can lead to intense pain, characterized by numerous pleads of "oooW
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my nuts," and "ouch you motherfuckers, stop kicking me!". Girls,
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meanwhile, have a hooha, also commonly referred to as a doonhillie or a
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cha-cha.
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This, however, may be an urban legend, as our researchers could not
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get close enough to a subject to verify this. Girls, being the luckier of
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the two genders, come complete with two breasteses. One examiner reported
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that the texture of one felt "eerily similar to Grandmother's couch
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doilies". This phenomenon has been elusive at best.
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MALES FEMALES
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____________ /\---|\
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____________O @-|O-/~| /
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| \ /_\@$/-/
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O|O barrel ||_/
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\
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triggers (Best artist's conception
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of female anatomy)
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Page 3
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Our studies of the art of Pick-up Lineage has confirmed our beliefs.
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Pick-up Lines have passed away along with polyester and rotating beds.
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________________________________________________________
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| | \ / \ \
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/ _ \ Hey baby, / \ No thanks,
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/ | \ \ wanna touch | | I'm a...uh,
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/ / \ \ my wookie? / \ lesbian.
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/____\ /____\ / |
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____| | | |____ /____________\
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( _ | | __ ) | | | |
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\___| \__| |__/ |__/ \___/ \___/
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Page 4
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While studying the effects of Pick-up Lines on the underwear of the
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female gender, we established the existance of a fascinating event which
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occured while under the influence of several alcoholic beverages. The
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phenomenon, which often included delusions of being highly smooth talking,
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made ugly "tricks" seem like supermodels. This oddity, which we have gone
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through the trouble of naming "Beer Enprettyment Syndrome", is only mildly
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understood. To further better our understanding, further research is
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being done, funded by the money received from purchases of this pamhplet.
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Here's a diagram.
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skanky-faced-ho + beer = yum.
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honey, you ( ) Hi, baby.
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don't talk ___ ( ) ______ _ _|_ I find you
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that way / \_ | | \ | very sexy.
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to Shanaynay. / | |~~~~~~|)/ / \ Take me.
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/ \_ | |/ Now.
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~ |______|
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[-----]
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Page 5
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In conclusion, we'd like to state that frustrated, immature,
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low-life losers get no sympathy. We get no chances. I, er, we mean they
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get none. Yes, they get none at all, which is why they are frustrated.
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Hell, we could all be a lot happier and healthier if we got a good pelvic
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grind every now and then, no?
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #548 - WRITTEN BY: REFLECKS - 4/3/99 ]
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