197 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
197 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #527
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Four Stories To Giggle Over"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Anilos
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 3/21/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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I: Advanced Life Saving, Baywatch Style
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========================================
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Mitch gives mouth to mouth to victim (preferably with large
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breasts).
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Mitch exhales to side.
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Mitch gives CPR.
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Terrorists attack.
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Mitch beats them up (even though they have neat fatigues and
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machine guns).
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CJ Cries.
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Mitch comforts her with his love and wisdom (uses the aptly named
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"affectionate, get laid face").
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CJ achieves higher understanding.
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Mitch gets laid.
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Mitch receives gobs of cash.
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Mitch holds globe in his hands, towering godlike over creation.
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People of Earth rejoice.
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II: The Saga Of Dorothy Dahmer (Mockery of Marilyn Manson)
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===========================================================
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Idiot #1: Cool!
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Idiot #2: It's gonna rock!
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Monroe: What are you guys talking about?
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Idiot #1: Dylan got tickets to the dorothy dahmer concert.
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Dylan/Idiot#2: What's with you Monroe, You'd never go to a rock concert!
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Your a fag!
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Idiot #1: Fag! Good one dylan, Huhuhu...
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Monroe: Uh, oh yeah? It just so happens that I'm going to the concert,
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front row seats!
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Dylan: Is that right? I got front row seats! I don't see ya there, I
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kick your ass!?!
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Monroe: Whu..?
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<Cut to Monroe's House.>
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Monroe: Mom I... uh need a hundred bucks to buy a ticket from a scalper!
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Monroe's Mom: A hundred bucks! Dear lord, I'm hallucinating after only
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half a bottle.
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Monroe: If I don't go I'll get my ass kicked.
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Monroe's Mom: Relax! You go get ready, and I'll get you in for free.
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<Some time later (and after applying a lot of horrible makeup).>
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Monroe's Mom: This is the style, dude!
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Monroe: Oh my god! Mom! You don't know how stupid you look!
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<A quick note: If any of you have seen hardcore "Mansonites" you
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can imagine what they look like at this point.>
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<Cut to concert, door to backstage, large burly security guard is
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nearby.>
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Monroe's Mom: Backstage pass? Who want that? I Hate rock stars!
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It's the security guards I like! (Psst, go on in the door.)
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Monroe: Whoa... I'm in.
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Evil voice: Hey!
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Monroe: Huh?
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Dahmonite #1: Wanna do a luuude?
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Monroe: No! Leave me alone, please!
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Dahmonite #1: Still has morals, definately a virgin.
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Dahmonite #2: A perfect offering to the master.
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Dahmonite #2: Your gonna watch the show from backstage, little man!
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Monroe: Sweet!
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Monroe: Wow
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Dorothy Dahmer: <Singing> I eat the sacrificial lamb with a bit of mint
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jelly I've got Satan's baby a-growing in my belly.
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Dorothy Dahmer: Thank you, you all suck!
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Dorothy Dahmer: For this next song I demand... a human sacrifice!
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Dorothy Dahmer: <seeing monroe, pointing to him> YOU!
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Monroe: <gulp!>
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Dorothy Dahmer: Hold him down, my impish minions, while I shower him with
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my wrath.
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Monroe: Please don't kill me!
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Dorothy Dahmer: A one and a two a braaallppphhh <Proceeds to vomit>.
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Dorothy Dahmer: Give it up for puke boy, you maggots.
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Crowd: Yea pukey!
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Monroe: Hey, they like me!
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<After the concert.>
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Monroe: Hey, Dylan, say, did you happen to see me on stage with the band?
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Dylan: That was pretty cool dillweed. In fact I'm not even gonna kick
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your ass.
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Monroe: All right!
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Dylan: But we'd all like to puke on the same guy that Dorothy Dahmer puke
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on, right guys?
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Crowd of Morons: Oh yeah!
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Dylan: Enough with the chit chat, let's get to pukin'.
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<All proceed to vomit on poor ol' Monroe.>
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Monroe: Oh man! Maybe next time I'll just let them kick my ass!
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III: The Cap'n Made It Happen
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=============================
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<Enter Nathaniel, who approaches shadle student who is female.>
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Nathaniel: <bubbles over head popping simulate brain activity, proceeds
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to drool and stare at female in front of him.>
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Girl: Ah duh... What the hell are YOU looking at... <Walks away.>
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Nathaniel: <Thinking> My manhood musta scared her... Ya, that's it. Hey,
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Look, It's da "Cap'n"
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Nathaniel: <Yelling>: How about you suck my tree trunk Cap'n!
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<Nathaniel gets a frightened look on his face, and shrivels up like
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a raisin in fear.>
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Nathaniel: Oh god <Mouth opening reveals one tooth/can opening device.>
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<Footnote: As he stared into the face of the Maelstrom.>
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Cap'n Intensity: So, so fed up.
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<Footnote: he has black eyes as a result from not sleeping, very
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evil.>
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<Nathaniel proceeds to throw up his hands and beg forgiveness.>
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<Cap'n intensity proceeds to unload three clips into Nathaniel.>
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<Footnote: one clip, two clip, three clip, floor.>
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Thus ends the product of multiple inbreedings.
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IV: Why Peeing On An Electric Fence is Bad
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===========================================
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Kid walks up to electric fence and begins to pee on it.
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- Cranial activity ends soon after, becomes a shadle high school
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student.
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- Head begins to catch fire, Looks like cancer stick (chicks dig
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it)
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- Hair loss may occur, use rogaine with minoxodyl.
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- Loss of ability to have kids as penis catches fire, But thats Ok
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all kids are evil.
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- Upper torso reduced to ash, oh well at least you don't need to
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get any New fashionable T-shirts (Note: May kill chance of
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females being attracted to you, awwww.)
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- After being totally set ablaze only a pair of shoes remain.
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[-----]
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First off, I would like to thank my friend Josh, me and him cooked
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these stories up at school a few weeks ago. He drew some comics for them
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and those are pretty nifty, but I couldn't draw them in ascii. I suck.
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There are no morals or lessons to be learned except for the following:
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- Baywatch and most other television programs are horrible (Who didn't see
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that one coming?)
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- Marilyn Manson is a waste of precious oxygen that would be better spent
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burning things in an inorganic chemistry class.
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- Don't ever call Josh "Captain Intensity" (A lot of you won't ever meet
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him, so I'm not worried.)
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- All warning labels need to be removed from dangerous products and places
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so idiots that pee on electric fences and ingest bleach are cleansed
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from the gene pool.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #527 - WRITTEN BY: ANILOS - 3/21/99 ]
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