154 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
154 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #520
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "For Kelly"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Isaac
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 3/16/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Why I am writing this? Why am I going to give this to Kelly?
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I am an introvert. I look to myself to find what I search for.
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My thoughts need directions and my feelings wander as if in a mystical
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forest searching for the golden prize of 'good feelings'. My thoughts
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can only proceed on a path, yet they are lost. What they search for is
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unknown, but I am searching for something or I would not feel lost.
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My childhood was filled with thoughts, logical observation,
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metaphysical arguments, answering questions and feeling the house of my
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ego develop with time and introverted experience. I used to wander in
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real forests when I was young. My dreams were of those forests turning
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into deserts and wandering through them in search of a strange
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personified object. I would search for it because it was so strange. I
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was always tired of going over what was known. The issue of great
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Nova-Object was always in limelight of my inner being.
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I also started to develop affinities and infatuations with certain
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girls when I was six or seven. They were vague and undefined to me in the
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rational world I had become so comfortable in. One experience would
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always come back to me. When I was about eight or nine, I played a lot
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with one girl. She was a year older then me, and had long hair and was
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very shy and fairy like. We would play house all the time. One time we
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transformed a picnic table into a house with our imaginations. She would
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pretend we were husband and wife and we would go through different
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periods of the day. For example, we had dinner in "afternoon". I would
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always feel that this game was so silly and pointless but for some reason
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I would just always give in and go along with the agenda of her fantasy.
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When it was "night" and time for bed would lie under the table and
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pretend we were in a bed, and I was very nervous because I didn't
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understand what we were supposed to do. I would just lay there like I was
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sleeping and be like "ok, is it morning yet?" and she be like "no" then
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I was just laying there and she would put her arm around me and for some
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reason I got really embarrassed and after a while I just rolled out from
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under her arm and the table and got up and was like "ok, its morning".
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Much later on, when we stopped playing together or even associating
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I found out her parents had been divorced and she lived with her mother.
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I rarely acted on feelings. I always acted on rational thought.
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Which is probably why I was never very active, and why I was never in
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fights or developed relationships with girls. Because of this, I
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developed very antisocial persona, even though I was always around peers.
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My thoughts became more and more fixed on understanding human behavior
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which I never did until around the time of 5th or 6th grade when I begin
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to discover and open up the world of emotions and feelings. I became more
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and more interested in art and music and finding the 'good feelings'. My
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attention turned to fiction (sci-fi) like Dune and Asimov's world of
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Androids and music like Pink Floyd, Alan Parson (I Robot), The Beatles,
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but my taste even wandered off into soul and rythmic R&B and even Cyndi
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Lauper (who I still like, though of course no one understands why).
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Later, I also discovered art like paintings by H.R.Giger and Boklin on
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the internet.
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But, also, about that time thoughts turned my new world of
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imagination and emotion and my ego-consciousness which is socially
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oriented into a undefined depression. I discovered that my point of view
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of life was very different from others. I never really thought about my
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future or what I "wanted to do with my life" and I never felt that if
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something happened like if I failed a grade or became poor that my "life
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would be ruined" which is why I never really excelled academically or
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understand why others felt it so important. I never considered academics
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or the pursuit of wealth or a family etc was "my life" like it seemed to
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be for others. I always felt that one should only "work to live, not live
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to work". I also never really cared about my appearance.
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Then came the period when I became sick of all emotion and
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irrational behavior and I pulled it up out of my psyche. I up-rooted it
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and analyzed it and searched to discover "what I was" and what I found or
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what was brought into the full light of consciousness was that I was
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nothing more then a program, another automated object who's freewill
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truly is an illusion. I came to devalue many things but most importantly
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human life and life in general. Life and death had little difference. To
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construct and to destruct became the same thing, for destruction can only
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occur if there has been construction and visa versa. That was one of the
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many opposites that had a messy reconciliation followed by the opposites
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in emotions: to be happy mattered just much as being sad.
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These concepts of indifference that developed began getting
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attacked by the emotional and what some would call the "human" world. My
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whole consciousness still did not understand how to integrate these
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concepts into my behavior so I continued to get up in the morning and go
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to school and play that little game everyday and whatnot. Soon my whole
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life was like a passive automation. I had no ambition to change or 'do'
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something. I became sick with a gray cloud of "emptiness" and nihilism.
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Also, I became very annoyed with people. I was tired of hearing them
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complain about there lives and there little problems and hearing their
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moralistic attitudes describing things as "sick" or "cool". Everywhere
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I found such irrational duality like "good and bad" and "right and wrong".
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It got to the point where I brought earplugs with me to school so
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I wouldn't have to hear people talk and sound so stupid.
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That's when the intense infatuations over girls I didn't even know
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began. It was like the only thing that could make we "well" again or
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"together" was to unite with my natural opposite, a female. My life is no
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longer about finding the Nova-Object it was about finding a Girl. I felt
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pathetic. After many times of actually approaching girls to discover how
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stupid they are and usually how disgusted they are of me, I realized that
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the objects of my affection where my own projections. The girl that I was
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searching for only existed in my head. This is also the time of intense
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dreams that made no sense and my studies and jungian pyschoanalytical
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theories. I was also opened to the world of Taoism and oriental thought
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which brought me back in touch with my earlier attitudes of indifference.
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I want to be a fireman when I grow. I would be a hero. I would
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earn respect from the people around me who I secretly fear and am
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dominated by. I am a slave to society and money. Happiness is the label
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on the block I hold.
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A child girl can be evil like a sweet poison. So dominated by
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emotion and unconscious suggestion. Yet that suggest is sometimes very
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superior to my own thoughts when they contradict my feelings. She holds
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the magical ball shaped block and wonder and excitement.
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In the forest of introverted reality there is an old wise man who
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holds an uncarved block. I discovered him once. But, one must sacrifice
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the ego to become him. And, dance apon the foolish family of his psyche
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in the house of his ego to become and that indivisible individual.
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Now I know I must not discard my emotions or my rational thoughts.
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Each must lead the other to build a rich and interesting tapestry to
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define life so that one still values it.
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This is why I no long disdain or repress my entire irrational
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behavior that I am consciously aware of. I make peace with it. But I
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also try to let my ego have its ambitions to grow and gain strength over
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my life force.
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"Life" can become boring or sad or embarrassing. But they shall
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no longer hold as much value. The only world I live in is the one in my
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head. To expand and dominate consciousness one must realize this.
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Who should I give this dumb letter to? Ah, I will give it to that
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Kelly girl who I know almost nothing of. It should be interesting to see
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how she responds. And I shall veal whatever secret motif I have to open
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myself to someone with the "I was bored" or "why not".
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So, I wrote this letter because I was bored and I gave it to
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Kelly because... why not?
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #520 - WRITTEN BY: ISAAC - 3/16/99 ]
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