97 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
97 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #516
|
|
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
|
|
888 888 888 888 888 "Prosthelyzation"
|
|
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
|
|
888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
|
|
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 3/16/99
|
|
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
|
|
Another wonderful Sunday at work. I innocently sit in the
|
|
drive-thru window at Wendy's, happy as a clam, working my ass off,
|
|
waiting for my shift to end and for the person at the speaker to hurry
|
|
up and give me their damn order. I gently glide open the window to smile
|
|
at the lady sitting in her old beat up stationwagon below me and say,
|
|
"Hi! That's $3.15." I hold out my hand, and she fills it ever so
|
|
gracefully with her wad of money, and... a bible pamphlet.
|
|
|
|
I strain to keep from making any out-of-the-ordinary facial
|
|
expressions. I collect the cash, hit the bizarre button configuration on
|
|
the wall and put the money in my register. Then, and only then, do I
|
|
turn to my co-workers, out of view of the lady waiting patiently outside
|
|
for her sandwich and fries, and dance around with the pamphlet, singing
|
|
"SCORE!!!" repeatedly. I then calmly rest the pamphlet near my register
|
|
and politely hand the woman her order.
|
|
|
|
When the restaurant calms down, a few people crowd around me to
|
|
see what pamphlets I've collected this week. Sometimes there's a funny
|
|
comic, like the one about Satan's minions being heavy metal bands that
|
|
are turning our children into witches and warlocks. Alas, this week,
|
|
it's only a super-friendly sickening-sweet find-a-friend-in-Jesus
|
|
pamphlet.
|
|
|
|
I rather come to enjoy my weekly drive-thru visitor with her silly
|
|
pamphlets. I'm not sure what she's expecting; as if one of these days,
|
|
we'll read one of her Jesus Comics and suddenly see the light. If nothing
|
|
else, I've got quite a decent pile of Chick Publications and other
|
|
various tools of the prosthelytizing community. They amuse me.
|
|
|
|
I used to be annoyed by such pushy tactics and tacky assumptions
|
|
that they, somehow, will save everyone on this planet. But, over the
|
|
years, I've come to appreciate it. I'd much rather have someone bothering
|
|
me outright about becoming a Christian and saving my soul and loving
|
|
Jesus and accepting his ways than most of the other prosthelytizing I end
|
|
up receiving, and much of it is not quite so friendly.
|
|
|
|
I come home and my sister is bitching about my brother eating
|
|
"disgusting blobs of cow and pig" while I roll my eyes and go online.
|
|
There, I read about how humans shouldn't consume animals and how horrible
|
|
the world is for torturing and butchering innocent souls, right down to
|
|
"scientific and statistical facts" that "prove" humans were never intended
|
|
to consume meat. I laugh outloud, eating my meatless food. It's those
|
|
kind of people that make me embarrassed to be a vegetarian.
|
|
|
|
I decide to call one of my friends, who used to hang around with
|
|
a former crowd of my own, and it sets me to remembering. Tom, a former
|
|
roommate of mine, would laugh at us and yell at us if we went into stores
|
|
and actually paid for things; if you couldn't steal it, it wasn't worth
|
|
having. His entire crowd would ridicule and demean people who decided
|
|
not to be miscreants and deviants. After all, why be conformists? We
|
|
need to stick it to The Man! It was always fun being the do-gooding
|
|
leper of the group. So sorry to be a law abiding citizen, folks.
|
|
|
|
And this would also bring me to rememberances of my other former
|
|
roommate, Don. Don was alright, except that he was schizophrenic. But
|
|
besides that, he had a computer, and that made him an okay guy. That
|
|
is, until, you decided to speak to him whatsoever on the topic of
|
|
religion. Because, as I'm sure you all know. Wicca is the true path
|
|
and anyone who believes otherwise will be shunned by the Goddess and some
|
|
other horrid things that I don't care to remember anymore. His good
|
|
friend was a christian; or, should I say, his good friend of only two
|
|
months.
|
|
|
|
But, coming back to reality. The following day, I head off to
|
|
work. This time, I'm being abounded by my co-worker, Mike. I'm using
|
|
too many napkins, he says. All those trees are being killed so I can
|
|
blow my nose and wipe my mouth with a different slice of fiber each
|
|
time. And why am I using one of the company's styrofoam potato boats
|
|
when one of the more eco-friendly, recyclable light plastic trays would
|
|
have sufficed? And why am I using two individually wrapped plastic
|
|
forks for my salad and for my cottage cheese? I'm the cause of the
|
|
depletion of the ozone layer and global warning, you know.
|
|
|
|
I spin around with a fire in my eyes and drop my tray to the
|
|
ground. I pull my submachine gun from my belt and randomly fire
|
|
everywhere around me. Screams are heard, then quickly hushed by the
|
|
pounding rhythm of the bullets spewing this way and that. Now silenced,
|
|
I light my black candle and pledge thee to thy lord Satan, eat an entire
|
|
sleeve of bloody red raw cow patties, and release all the freon from
|
|
every refrigeration unit I can find while simultaneously chainsawing all
|
|
the trees in a forty mile radius and harpooning humpback whales.
|
|
|
|
And all was good.
|
|
|
|
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
|
|
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #516 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 3/16/99 ]
|