291 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
291 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #480 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Final Voyage of The Golden Unmutak" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Tan Adept !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 2/3/99 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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Dramatis Personae:
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==================
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Purplefoot: Alias Art. The most feared pirate captain on the high
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seas. Purplefoot sailed the Golden Unmutak through
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many voyages over many seas, with the finest crew ever
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seen.
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Jolly: Alias Aster. This flower was the lookout for the crew.
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Generally restricted to a pot, she spent most of her time
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in the crow's nest.
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Princess Red: Alias Tasha. Despite her royal background, she had
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no qualms with doing a bit of cleaning. Her mop
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never far from her side, she was responsible for
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swabbing the decks.
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sTan Adept: Alias Tan Adept. While a pterodactyl, he was known to
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occasionally don a shell in the interests of his
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gastropodic side. His large wings were often an asset
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for the crew, but his voracious appetite required many
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raids for food.
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sGnome (pronounced sGah-nome): Alias PezMonkey. Like sTan Adept,
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she had a gastropodic side. However, in contrast with sTan
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Adept, her shell-endowed personality was tempered by a
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healthy dose of simian attitude. Aboard the Golden Unmutak,
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she was responsible for the cooking, ensuring at all times
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a well-balanced meal to ward off the threat of scurvy.
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Caitlin: Alias Synikalle. A sheepdog with diverse interests, she
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spent a portion of her time aboard the ship as the
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figurehead, fulfilling a responsibility normally reserved
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for the nonsentient. As she was far more intelligent
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than any block of wood, she did an accordingly excellent
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job.
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Soybean: Alias toasty. Mostly a background player, she attended
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to a variety of important tasks on the Unmutak. During
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most of the famous battles the crew fought, she was
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sleepy.
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!!========================================================================!!
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Nadir had come to the lives of the pirates. Once the terror of
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the high seas, age had come upon them all. While they still sailed, they
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now spent most of their time on land, occasionally trudging back to their
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ship to make repairs, hoping to stave off the once-mighty vessel's further
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decay.
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One day, the sun was shining brightly, and the old pirates were
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feeling in higher spirits than usual. sGnome, sTan Adept, Purplefoot, and
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Princess Red were sitting around in their house chatting idly when the
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aptly named Jolly rolled in on her wheeled cart. sGnome greeted Jolly
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with her usual "Hey, kitten!", who replied with a witty "Hay's for horses."
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Being landbound had probably been hardest for Jolly. As a flower,
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she normally would have never had any opportunity whatever to travel.
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However, when she joined up with the crew of the Golden Unmutak, she'd
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found herself with an unparalleled opportunity to seek out new shores.
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After the virtual retirement of the crew, she'd been holed up in one
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house, in a crowded part of the city, without the sunlight and adventure
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she craved. Today had inspired her, though, and she was determined to
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inspire the rest of her friends to take a real voyage.
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Jolly teased the others, "What game should be play? We could play
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bazoo or jungle." She paused, allowing the others a chance to consider.
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"Or we could play boat!" she shouted. As hoped, her enthusiasm was
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contagious. "Where's me grog?" bellowed Purplefoot.
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After a brief moment to remember their duties, they headed to the
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Golden Unmutak. The paint was peeling and the deck was dirty, but the
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pirates were not about to let that dampen their spirits. The black flag
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of the skull and crossbones was still intact, and they were ready to go.
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As they surveyed their ship, they noticed one thing drastically amiss.
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Their figurehead was missing! A giant solid gold unmutak, it had been
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at the prow of the ship since the earliest days of the crew. Part of
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their first booty, they had always had it with them. Even this was not
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enough to dissuade them from taking to the waves, and they set sail at
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once.
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Their usual raiding spots seemed to have figuratively dried up.
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The domains of ships, water, and even the route taken by a tugboat were
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all empty. As they sailed further, Purplefoot checked his map. Ahead
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should be an area called "Aqua". Perhaps there they would find some
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victims to relieve of their gold and treasure.
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From the crow's nest, Jolly saw a few individuals aboard a ship in
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the distance. She cried down to Purplefoot that a ship was sighted and he
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took an impressive stand upon the deck. sTan Adept took to the skies
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above, prepared to rain terror from the skies upon the first victims of
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the day.
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"Arrrrrrrrr, me matey, ramming speed!" ordered Purplefoot.
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"Aye!" replied Princess Red, following orders quickly.
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From his vantage point in the air, sTan Adept was the first to
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address the hapless ship. "We will loot and pillage your ships, for we
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are the lords of the high seas!" he shouted in a loud voice.
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"We will take your wives and daughters!" threatened Purplefoot.
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As the Golden Unmutak drew closer to her target, Caitlin climbed
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aboard the ship. "I am the figurehead." she said, and Purplefoot
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immediately appointed her to the position. Her phallic nature was bound
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to inspire fear in the crew's victims, even if it was not as reknowned as
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the original golden statue which had once adorned the ship.
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The pirate ship drew closer and the crew noticed something strange.
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Those on the victim ship seemed to merely be stuffed dummies. They dido
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not react in any way to the pirate ship approaching, and as the crew got
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up alongside the Aqua, they discovered not a shred of treasure or even a
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sign of life.
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Frustrated, the crew looked to Purplefoot for new orders. They
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passed through some far away locations, including a region known as
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Ceylon, and finally made their way to an area inhabited by people known
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as Mormons. The pirates burst upon the Mormons shouting and yelling,
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inspiring fear in those they had set upon. Cries of "Arrr!" and "Arggh!"
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assailed the ears of the polygamist Mormons.
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Once the pirates were close enough to the Mormon ship, they sprang
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across to begin looting. Purplefoot made his way to the cargo hold,
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scimitar in hand and began to collect the most valuable treasures he could
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find, including an ancient holy-looking pair of golden tablets upon which
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seemed to be inscribed a novella-length book. sGnome anally raped a few
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Mormons with her sword while sTan Adept brought up great winds with his
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mighty wings. Battered, the Mormons showed little ability to defend
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themselves. When the majority of the looting was complete, Purplefoot
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slashed the sails of the victims, leaving them floating on the high seas
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to die.
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Purplefoot declared the Kingdom of Ansi to be the next place for
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the Golden Unmutak to sail. The brightly colored art made by the
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inhabitants of Ansi were valued by many, especially in the heyday of the
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Unmutak's crew. Despite a decline in the world's interest for Ansi art,
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it was still certain to be a profitable raid.
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During the trip to Ansi, Princess Red was displeased with the
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condition of the ship's deck. She'd noted how dirty it was and couldn't
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believe she had forgotten her mop. Before she had too much time to be
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saddened by her carelessness, Jolly announced that they were nearly upon
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a vessel worthy of an assault.
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Purplefoot noticed the sharks circling around the Golden Unmutak.
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Surely some of these sharks were the same who had once followed the ship
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in their youth. Rarely did a shark go hungry when it followed the Golden
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Unmutak, for Purplefoot was bloodthirsty and threw many a victim into the
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water to be devoured by the creatures of the sea.
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The Ansians were decidedly more prepared for warfare than the
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Mormons had been. While they were still outmatched in combat capabilities
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as compared to the pirates, they did have a few magical powers at their
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beck and call. After one Ansi ship had been pillaged, with sTan Adept and
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Purplefoot retrieving a number of tapestries and bolts of Spanish silk,
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the captain of the Ansi flagship cast a silence spell upon the Golden
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Unmutak. Without the ability to give orders to his crew, Purplefoot
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signalled to Princess Red to retreat.
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Back away from the shores of Ansi, they looked over their loot.
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The swords sTan Adept had plundered were of very high quality, and the
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chests they had carried off held not just gold, but jewels as well.
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Princess Red had also found herself a fine mop with a silver handle. Many
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of the crew members thought to themselves just how much they appreciated
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Jolly's idea of piracy this day, but didn't immediately think to thank
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her. In fact, they even neglected to water her, taking her for granted at
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the top of the main sail.
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The next place the Unmutak headed was inhabited by people united
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by a man named Jesus. Supposedly, he was an ancient Roman who, upon his
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death, had become immortal. Fate was not with these victims of the
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pirates, though, for their supposed savior failed to help them in this
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time of need.
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While unarmed, the followers of Jesus were skilled in martial arts.
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Princess Red battered some of the seamen with her mop, but during one of
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sTan Adept's swoops down, he was kicked soundly by one of the seemingly
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defenseless sailors. While he recovered quickly, his pride was hurt, and
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he took a number of the sailor's shipmates and threw them into the sea,
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rending them with his claws. During this battle, Purplefoot revealed
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some of his own magic, and selected a small number of the victims for a
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particularly gruesome fate. He delved into their puny little minds and
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ripped all that was good from them, leaving them a shattered husk of
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angst. This penultimate evil done, sGnome found the young of some of the
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victims and devoured them as Purplefoot stole more chests of gold.
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In the pirates' culture, teenagers were the most capable members
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of a crew but in the region to which the Golden Unmutak sailed next, the
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teens were helpless, weak individuals trying hopelessly to find others
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with something in common. They were wholly unable to deal with the
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assault of the pirates, and were terrified even by Caitlin, who had
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assumed the form of a dog for the time being.
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Taking the gold and women from the pitiful teens was hardly an
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effort for the experienced pirates. As Purplefoot gave orders, the crew
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pillaged the ships and took the booty back to their own. Only one member
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of the teens seemed to have a spine to stand up against the pirates with.
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This one, Mayzer, asked in a cocksure manner, "Purplefoot? Are you on
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drugs or something?" Purplefoot cut him down immediately with his retort,
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"Drugs are for landlubbers!"
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Mayzer was then bound as sTan Adept extended the plank. While
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Mayzer was at first unwilling to walk down the plank, a sharp poke in
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the posterier with a sword convinced him to move forward. Mayzer went
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further down the wooden path upon which he was set. Closer he drew to the
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shark invested water and as he was about to fall in, sTan Adept snatched
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him up and deposited him back on his ship, laughing.
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While Mayzer was defiant, the others of his crew placidly sat by
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while they were relieved of their gold and their purity. As the Golden
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Unmutak prepared to sail off, sGnome regaled the teens with a final poem:
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We are the pirates who will eat your mothers.
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We like to rape your sisters and fuck your brothers.
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I am the cook and the poet;
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And I bet now you know it.
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We have a dog and a flower
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And a pirate leader with pirate power.
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The land of Church seemed, at first glance, to be inhabited by
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people much like the followers of Jesus. However, further examination
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revealed that none of the supposed people present were actually present,
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and had merely left well-made mockups of themselves to hold their places.
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The crew was frustrated again when they went to the land of Wen, which
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was similarly empty of real people.
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After a brief visit to the University of Illinois at
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Urbana-Champaign, the pirates decided to heard back to port. Along the
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way, they found themselves in a region where it seemed nearly everyone was
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a poet, or at least interested in poetry.
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Most of the crew tried to recite poetry, all at the same time. The
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cacophony that resulted bought pain to the ears of the pirates' victims.
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Princess Red found it frustrating to recite with all her mates
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reciting at the same time, but did her best:
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Water, Water everywhere
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I'm raping and ravaging
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So I don't care
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I mop the ship deck
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And water the flower
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And sometimes when I'm lucky
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The captain kisses my neck
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sTan Adept recited a haiku:
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Voltron will eat you.
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He really wants to eat you.
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He thinks you'll taste good.
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And finally, sGnome graced the poets with her own work:
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We are pirates of the deep.
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We write deep pirate poetry.
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We like to rape and rhyme and pillage
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And then we kill and make you lick up the spillage.
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We have lots of things on our ship
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And we will bite your lip.
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While some of the poets were belligerent, they were pacifistic,
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and only countered with words. Eventually, the pirates and the poets
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reached a standstill, though Purplefoot vowed to come back and conquer
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them at a later time.
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On their way back to their own land, they passed through a land
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of food, which delighted sGnome. She took an opporunity to refill the
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food store of the Golden Unmutak, and made sure that everyone had a large
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glass of lemonade. Parched throats felt better, and the possibility of
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a bout of scurvy was eliminated.
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Eventually, tired out, the pirates reached land, docked their ship,
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and went back home. They might never sail again, but today they had
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relived the joys of their earlier days. Never again would they be full
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of angst, for they were still mighty pirates, even if they were retired.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #480, WRITTEN BY: TAN ADEPT - 2/3/99 !!
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