140 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
140 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #461 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Your Own Personalized Issue of HOE" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel & Kaia !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........: 1/27/99 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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In an effort to raise money for starving children in trailer parks
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of lower Delaware, HOE E'zine has decided that now you, the fan, can
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order your very own personalized issue of HOE!
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I know this sounds exciting. Just think... one of the most
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classic and dynamic e'zines of all time can have an issue which has to
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do with YOU!
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Each personalized issue of HOE is guaranteed to be over 100 lines
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long (not counting headers & footers, don't worry). These special issues
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will also be authored by none other than Kaia! That's right, the former
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DTO writer and musical genius will be writing a wonderful HOE issue all
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about YOU!
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Just to give you a taste, here's are two examples of what you will
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receive when you purchace a personalized issue of HOE!
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!!========================================================================!!
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"Kreids and Whey"
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by Kaia
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Feel the difference! Kreid Hand Towels are hand knitted by real
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grandmothers in genuine rocking chairs using Kreidex, the virtually
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indestructible yet highly absorbent space-age material also used by
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astronauts on the space shuttle Endeavor. This breakthrough product was
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developed by a team of medical researchers after hours of painstaking
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research conducted underwater, on shrooms, and on camera. The four
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beautifully embroidered decorative series include: "Hearts and Stars,"
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"Kittens," "Things Yo' Momm Don't Approve of," "The Transitive Structure
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of Events in Japanese," "The Minimize Function," and "Broken Hearts."
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One design is sure to fit every home...
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!!========================================================================!!
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"G0ff-choo"
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by Kaia
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Is that a fun game, slapping the table? Although many
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world-class athletes would say, "Hell, no!", g0ff is the local superstar
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who strongly advocates this new craze in after-school activities.
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"Rumour has it that my cat Anna, who loves Ani diFranco, choked on
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a Kreid towel and I had to grab her by the tail and slam her against the
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kitchen counter to extricate the linen. I would like to stress that this
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is only a rumour!"
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But who is inclined to believe that this wicked mastermind can
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really differentiate between fact and fantasy, especially when he was
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recently spotted slapping the kitchen table, pummeling the altar of his
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Catholic Church with a wacky noodle, and pounding the Grimace-shaped
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table at a McDonalds playland with a jackhammer...
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!!========================================================================!!
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Let's review: a special, personalized issue of HOE all about you,
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written by the infamous Kaia, set to appear as its own regular HOE
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release. Now, what would you expect to pay for this amazing offer?
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$29.99? $385.99?
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Well, since every day is the season of giving here at HOE, this
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special offer is only _2 dollars_. I don't think you can ask for
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anything more.
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INSTRUCTIONS:
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============
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The cost is $2.00. Send a check, money order, or cash (please
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hide your cash so greedy mailmen will not steal your money) payable to:
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Kaia Wong
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302 Ray Street C
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Newark, DE 19717
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It would also be a good idea to send an email to mogel@dto.net,
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letting me know that you purchased an issue, and I will ensure it gets
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to you. Kaia is completely trustworthy (really!) and will not steal any
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of your money without writing an issue.
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This offer expires on May 25, 1999, when Kaia escapes university
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dorms forever. Now go fill out that Official HOE Order Form. Wear
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goggles; these burn!
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!!========================================================================!!
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OFFICIAL HOE ORDER FORM:
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=======================
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Fill in the following information which will assist us in making
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your personalized issue. You can email the answers to these questions
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to mogel@dto.net, however for more efficient service, we'd prefer that
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you print this form out and include your answers with your money.
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HANDLE: ___________________________________
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FIRST NAME: ___________________________________
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EMAIL ADDRESS: ___________________________________
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PREFERRED STYLE:
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(Please check one or two that you desire.)
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[ ] Editorial/Essay/Rant [ ] Epic Poem
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[ ] Fiction [ ] TOTALLY INSANE
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[ ] Humor [ ] Surprise me!
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QUESTIONS (Optional. Circle your answers.):
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Have you ever been attracted to your own mother? Yes No
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Anyone else's mother? Yes No
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Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally
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consumed an albatross egg? Yes No
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Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally made sense
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while typing on IRC? Intentionally Unintentionally Fnord
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HOE E'zine will not take responsibility for any money that is
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lost in the mail by our idiotic postal service. We may not completely
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meet all of your specifications in the above form, however, we'll do our
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best. Regardless, if we get the money, you will get the issue, that's
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our gaurauntee.
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Order your issue of HOE today!
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #461, WRITTEN BY: MOGEL & KAIA - 1/27/99 !!
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