102 lines
6.3 KiB
Plaintext
102 lines
6.3 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #432 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Run From My Car" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Paganini !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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I have a problem. I hit things with my car. This, of course, is
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usually not on purpose, but lately I have begun to wonder. It started
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out small, with a squirrel and then a racoon-type creature, and then
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slowly I graduated into cats and, God forgive me, dogs. Now, after
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hitting an actual person, I have decided that maybe it is time I work
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on this issue. Maybe it is time I sought some sort of help or twelve
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step program. When I first got my license I went for a drive with my
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grandmother. It was a nice drive, with my nice grandmother, down a
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nice country road, when all of a sudden this squirrel comes flying
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down from this tree. He had this determined, evil look in his eye, and
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for one second he glared at me, and I froze up. I couldn't stop. My
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foot was on the gas pedal and I was going. I hit the little bastard
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and my grandmother has yet to forget about it. Every holiday, every
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time we see her, she look at me, and with angst all over her face (ha!
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Grandma you got angst on your face again...) She looks at me and says
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"what are you gonna hit me too?" She's one of those "Don't Hit The
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Animals With Your Car" people.
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It began there and then it just moved up. I went fishing and on
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my way home this little racoon scurried directly into the path of my
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car, knowing that I would not be able to swerve in time, thus hitting
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him. Months later I hit a cat on my way to school. I barely count this
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one though, because it seemed to be limping before I hit it. Thus I was
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not the initial hit. All of these are disturbing, yes, but not as
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disturbing as the time I hit that dog.
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Yes, I would say the dog was the hit that affected me the most.
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This was awful. I had just gotten done running at the local bike path
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(too many geese there- very scary), when I got into my car to leave.
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Everything was fine. I was doing the speed limit and I was almost home,
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when, out of nowhere, this dog comes running across the street, and I
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crash into him. It wasn't as awful as it sounds. It was one of those
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small, yippy dogs, but I still felt bad. I got out of my car and looked
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at the dog. I couldn't figure out what to do with it. I wondered if
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there were laws concerning this sort of thing. I wondered if I should
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just drag it around to some place else, or if I should actually get
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into my car and drive over the damn thing.
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To make matters completely worse, I noticed that the dog was
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still alive. Now, I have to say that I was kind of unmoved initially,
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but when the dying dog looked up at me, with those golden eyes of
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blue... tears came to my eyes. This is where the situation took a
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turn. I heard a door slam, and a man came out of the house across the
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street and looked at me and said "What the hell?!?" He was a scary man.
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He was wearing a once-white but now grey t-shirt with the word "SHIT"
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written on it. I don't remember what his pants looked like, but I do
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recall him wearing them. A cigarette was tucked behind his ear, and
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another dangled from his mouth. He looked pissed.
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He came over to me, my car, and the dead dog, and said "What the
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fuck did you do to my dog." Now, this was not the time for smart-ass
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remarks. I see that now, but at the time I must not have been
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thinking. I looked at the dog and pointed to my car and said "I hit
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it." This is where the situation got weird. There were more door
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slams, and more scary people. Children began spealing from this house
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in mass numbers. Children were running towards me, and running to the
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dog. There were 3, 25, 80 children all surrounding me and the car, and
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they started to cry. So here I am, five blocks from my house, standing
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on an uncomfortably barren street, surrounded by 115 children and their
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supposed father. Perhaps the weirdest aspect of this whole ordeal, was
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that all the children were calling the dog different names. One called
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it Sam, and another called it Crunchy. To make matters interesting, I
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had to go to the bathroom.
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One would think that I learned my lesson from all this, but no,
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I don't learn. I never learn. Ten months ago I hit a guy in the
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parking lot of a (dare I say it) mall. He to was swearing at me, but
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later we got to know each other, and we dated for nine months, until he
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got another girl pregnant. Now, I just stalk him, but that's off the
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subject. My point here is that things are always running in front of
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my car and I am starting to wonder if there is a reason for all this.
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Perhaps this is fate. Perhaps I was meant to hit these creatures.
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Maybe they all had rabies, including the ex. Maybe they were all very
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old and cancerous, excluding the ex.
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Well, ten months have gone by, and I have not consciously hit
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anything, except another persons car, which I don't really count. I am
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looking forward to driving. I have never gotten a ticket and I have
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never kept firearms in my car. However, would like to offer a few words
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of advice. Stay away from my car. You should just stay away from my
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car. You see, it is not my fault if I hit you. If my car is moving,
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and you happen to swing down from some vine, directly in front of the
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dented hood of my Honda Civic, I will hit you. Of course, you and I
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both know that I don't want to hit you, but if I hit you, I might end
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up dating you, or dragging you off the road and hiding you somewhere.
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We don't want that. So, people, my name is Sara, and I am a bad
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driver, so stay away from my car. Thank you and God bless America.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #432, WRITTEN BY: PAGANINI - 1/15/99 !!
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