227 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
227 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #424 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "House and Home with Lynette Jennings" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> AnonGirl !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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"And five, four, three..." <two fingers, one finger, action!>
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<Cue lame early 1990's theme music.>
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<Cue lame intro sequence.>
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<Cue host.>
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"Hi, welcome to House and Home. I'm your host, Lynette
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Jennings. Today we'll be focusing on crafts, as a part of our 'Making
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Housework Fun!' week. We've got oodles of guests here with us,
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including world renowned craft specialist, Marnie Williams. But we
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can't get the show off on the right foot without a peek into our
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mailbag. Jim, why don't you bring out the mailbag?"
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<Cue guy in polo t-shirt with headset bringing mailbag.>
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<Polo-shirt guy passing Lynette the mailbag.>
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<Polo-shirt guy looking dumbfoundedly at the camera.>
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<Polo-shirt guy walking offset.>
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Lynette: "Okay let's see what we've got here today." <pulling out
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already-opened letter covered in yellow Hi-Liter.> "'Dear
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Ms. Jennings, you are just fabulous." <flattered laughter
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coming from Lynette.> "I watch your show religiously, right
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after I see the kids off to school. I'd force them to watch
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the show too if they weren't off.. learning.. all the time."
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<confused.> "Anyhoo, I just wanted to say that you are what
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makes the world go round. Sincerely yours, Muriel Cole,
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Ackley, Iowa.'
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"Well Muriel, I'm so glad you watch my show. It really touches
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me to recieve heartfelt letters like yours. And I love it
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when people adresss me as Ms.!" <laughing at her own joke.>
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"Let's see what else we've got here. <fishing through mailbag;
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pulling out another letter; clearing voice.> Okay, 'Dear
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Lynette, my name is Amy and I live in Klamath Falls, Oregon.
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I'm 10 years old and I like your show this much:" <pauses.>
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"Oh how cute she drew a little line showing how much she likes
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my show. Can we get a shot of this?" <showing letter to
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camera.> "Carl? Can you get this?" <camera zooms in.>
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"Excellent. Great. Okay. 'I am writing you because I have
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a... secret, and I don't have a lot of friends so I'm going to
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tell you. Okay, here goes: Every night, when I'm in bed, my
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Daddy comes in and--'" <pauses, holding letter up.> Is this
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some kind of joke? Come on, who pulled the prank on me this
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time?" <looking around, smiling.> "Carl? Carl you're
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looking pretty suspicious!" <sounds of Carl chuckling.> "Carl!
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You silly, silly man! <laughing> You know, they always get me.
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But I'm a sucker for practical jokes! ha ha! Ha! ha ha!"
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<serious.>
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"We'll be right back."
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<Cue lame sax&drum music.>
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<Cue commercial break.>
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<..>
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<Cue lame musak.>
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<Cue host.>
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"And we're back over here in our Craft Cave." <putting on floral
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pattern hard-hat.> "You have to be careful here in our Craft Cave.
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There's some heavy duty crafting going on! Haha! We've got a very
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special guest with us today. This woman is a pioneer in the arts and
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crafts department, being the inventor of the Salt and Pepper
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Shaker-Napkin Dispenser-Thanksgiving Centerpiece. Marnie? Marnie
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Williams? Are you there?"
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<Marnie jogging out pleasantly from backstage.>
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"There you are!" <both laughing.> "Hi!" <cheek kisses.>
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Marnie: "Hi Lynette! I'm so glad to be here! I've got a whole bunch
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of fun things for us to create today!"
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Lynette: "I'm so excited! You know, <looking into camera> I'd like to
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take a serious moment here to discuss the importance of crafts
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in the '90's. Without crafts, housewives all around would be
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left with nothing to do all day long while her man is out
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working and the kids are at school..."
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M: "Say it, sister!"
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L: "...we would be left to do our expected chores such as laundry and
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mopping floors and watching soap operas and other home decor shows
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like my own which will slowly but surely lead us all to our sad,
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horrible and pathetically boring deaths with nothing to show for
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except a few odd heart-shaped wicker baskets filled with dried
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leaves and plastic flowers with little balloons and bunnies and
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flowerspineconeshazelnutspiceracks....."
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<Cue lame music.>
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<Cue commercial break.>
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<..>
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<Cue happy host.>
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"Welcome back to House and Home! If you're just joining us I'm
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here with Marnie Williams in our Craft Cave <knocking on floral hard
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hat.> making crafts! Marnie has already started making something. What
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are you making there, Marnie?"
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M: "I'm building every housewife's dream come true. It's a decorative
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piece I like to call the SquirrelKnocker."
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L: "SquirrelKnocker? Can we say that? <looking past camera; nodding>
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ha ha!"
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M: "It's purpose serves as a doorknocker-slash-squirrel feeder!
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<holding up squirrelknocker> You can make them in any material you
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like, although my personal favourite would have to be wicker. I
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just love wicker. My husband loves wicker, too. He's always
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getting his hands on more wicker!"
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L: "A real wickerman!" <both laughing> Ha! ha! HA!
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M: "Lynette, you *kill* me! Anyhoo, you can add fun little decorations
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to your SquirrelKnockers. Mine here has tiny pah-pee-aye mah-shay
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flowers all around, with a small decorative sign that says
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'SquirrelKnocker' in a nice cursive." <holding up squirrelknocker>
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L: "And you can put anything you want on the sign?"
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M: "Yes, you can inscribe anything you like on the sign. You'll need a
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good model enamel, so that it will survive the harsh treatment of
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rain and snow. Personally I like to put a wood finish on my
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SquirrelKnockers to add that extra.. je ne sais quoi!"
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L: "Wow, isn't that terrific? But, Marnie, what if you're not much of a
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Van Gogh?"
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M: "So?"
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L: "Well how will you make your cute little sign?"
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M: "It's not very difficult, Lynette. It's as easy as writing with a
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pen!"
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L: "Yeah, but what if you're a quadriplegic and are incapable of using
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paintbrushes? What then?? How will our quadriplegic viewers be able
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to make their own little wooden sign inscriptions??"
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M: "Let's move on to our next little craft, the-"
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L: "NO! I want to KNOW! HOW THE HELL-" <Marnie walking off set>
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<Cue lame fresh&alive music.>
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<Cue Commercial Break.>
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<..>
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<Cue happy host.>
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"Hi, welcome back, I'm Lynette Jennings and this is House and
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Home. It's time for my favourite part of the show, 'This is Delicious,
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Mom!' Cooking with us today is world famous chef, John Wilkinson.
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John's appeared in such cooking programs as 'Ready, Set, Cook!' and
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'FOOD NOW!'. Come on out, John!"
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<John jogging out smiling.>
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J: "Hi Lynette, you don't know what a pleasure it is to be on your
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public access television program. Really!" <both laughing>
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L: "It's great to see you again, John!"
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J: "But, we've never met..?"
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L: "Ha ha ha HA HA HA ha HAHA John you're such a joker! Anyhoo, what
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are we cooking today?"
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J: "Well today I thought we'd make something really, very special.
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Since the holidays are coming up I was thinking of making some
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super-ultra-insanely-low-fat-appetizers for all those Christmas
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parties this time of year. All you'll need to prepare these cute
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little hors d'oeuvres is some lettuce, wheat germ, and McGarry's
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sausages. Looks like we're just about ready to start, Lynette!"
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L: "That's great. But what about variety, John? Isn't that what it's
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all about these days? Someone doesn't like what the other likes,
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and vice versa? Surely you can't serve lettuce wheat germ sausages
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all night long?"
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J: "Well, that's the fun part, Lynette. With these three simple
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ingredients, you can make over 30 different appetizers, all under 3
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grams of fat!"
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L: "Wow! I like the sound of that! Show us how it's done."
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J: "Well, you just get a good saucepan, and chop up some of the lettuce
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into it. Make sure it's washed! Then, fry the sausages in a frying
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pan until they're nicely browned, periodically sprinkling wheat germ
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on them. This will add flavour to the sausages, as well as protein!
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Once the sausages are done, wrap a small piece of lettuce around the
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sausage and hold it together with a toothpick. Once you're done,
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you should have something that looks like this:"
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<pulls out huge tray with 30 different sausage creations.>
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L: "Wow! Look at all those different kinds of wheat germ sausages
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wrapped in lettuce! I don't think I've ever seen such variety!
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That's absolutely wonderful, John, really."
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J: "It's my specialty!"
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L: <to camera> "We'll be right back."
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<Cue stolen Oprah music.>
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<Cue commercial break.>
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<..>
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<Cue host.>
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"Well, folks, I hate to say it, but that's all the time we have
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for today! I'd like to thank my guests today Marnie Williams and John
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Wilkinson for their wonderful cooperation. Tomorrow we've got Aikido
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champion Bob Su who's going to show us how to make one hell of a shish
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kabab! Hope you'll join us. Bah-bye." <waves.>
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<Cue midi.>
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<Cue credits.>
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<Fade.>
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #424, WRITTEN BY: ANONGIRL - 1/13/99 !!
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