94 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
94 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #386 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "This History of Capitalism" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Ashtray Heart !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/28/98 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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Capitalism is an economic system. Although some people claim
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it's a moral system. However, Pink Floyd spoke wisely when they said
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this about them:
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"Bullshit."*
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Anyway, Capitalism was founded in 1776 by Adam Weishaupt when
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his hand turned invisible due to exposure to radiation from the Van
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Allen Belt. He then had a revelation that the world would be a lot
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better off if it had more car commercials.
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Some people think Capitalism is a bad thing. They're all a bunch
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of commies, and they ought to be taken out back and shot. Without
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capitalism, we wouldn't have the "Wacky Wall Walker", for which of
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course the Internet has now been named, which is why so many Internet
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addresses start with "http://www". The http part I can't tell you
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because it's a classified CIA state secret that only John Grubor knows
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the true answers to. Anyway, in Communist Russia they didn't have
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economic freedom, which is why they had to all eat borscht and if they
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complained the KGBeast would come by and read John Lennon lyrics to you
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until Batman came by and beat him up because he thought the Ramones
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were way cooler. And that's why Russia is no longer communist. Now
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that Russia is a free nation they get to be controlled by the Mafia
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just like the rest of us instead of some big ol' nasty intellectual
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liberals.
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There's two kinds of capitalism, conservative capitalism and
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liberal capitalism. Conservative capitalism doesn't like abortion and
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liberal capitalism doesn't either but doesn't want to outlaw it.
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Liberal capitalism was founded by John Maynard Keyes, who is Alan Keyes'
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uncle, despite the fact that "John Maynard Keyes" is just an alias for
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"Gibby Haynes", who is the guy who founded all the underwear factories.
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Anyway, he realized that conservatives like Adam Weishaupt didn't want
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to wear underwear because they thought it was a blasphemy against God
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and anyway their dicks were just as invisible as their hands, so he
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founded LIBERALISM so that FDR could get more supreme court justices,
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but the supreme court said that that was unconstitutional because
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fifteen is the Number of the Beast minus 651, which of course is the
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penal code number for frottage, and anyway Roosevelt only played with
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poo-poo heads. So then the gobment made everybody buy underwear, and
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if they didn't they bought the underwear themselves and gave it to
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their girlfriends.
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So this was all well and good for a while, but then Ronald
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Grayface Reagan, whose name is an anagram of "Adolf Hitler", as Lou told
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me last night, got into office, and whenever he got on airplanes the
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stewardesses were all wearing underwear so it was no fun to look up
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their dresses, and this made him mad so he fired all the air traffic
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controllers, and everybody who was making underwear had to start making
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IZOD shirts or nucular bombs to sell to the military, because by this
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time the followers of Adam Weishaupt had decided that the government
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buying stuff was OK as long as it was bombers and cocaine and stuff.
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At about this time, everybody started getting pissed off at the
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"New World Order", but it's a big SECRET so nobody seems to know exactly
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what it is. As far as I can tell, it all started when Hulk Hogan,
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who is secretly CANADIAN along with Geddy Lee, started thinking that
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American underwear was no good, and we had to start buying CANADIAN
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underwear. This made everybody scared because everybody knows there's
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a giant sucking sound out there somewhere, and everybody thought
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that underwear that wasn't American would get all stuck in their crotch
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and give them wedgies. And as if that weren't bad enough, back after
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World War II President Truman founded the UN to give out halloween candy
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to kids, which seems innocent enough, but now instead of the U.S.
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government paying for the nucular weapons, OTHER countries wanted to
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pay for our weapons, which in and of itself is OK, because we have junk
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sales every few years where we sell our old weapons to other countries
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and watch them try to attack us with them, and then laugh as we take our
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big shiny NEW WEAPONS like the "Frottage Detector" and kick their butt
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with them. But this is different because the UN wants BLACK
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HELICOPTERS, and Jesse Helms doesn't like this because he doesn't like
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anything black; if they're going to get helicopters they have to be RED
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WHITE AND BLUE. Anyway, the only way to stop this is by STRICT
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ADHERENCE TO THE BIBLE, especially the lines about fist-fucking.**
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Endnotes:
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* -- Pink Floyd, "Money", _Dark Side of the Moon_, 1973.
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** -- God, "The Song of Solomon", 5:3-7, _The Bible_, 4412 B.C.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #386, WRITTEN BY ASHTRAY HEART, 12/28/98 !!
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