186 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
186 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #359 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Jerry Springer Show" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Neko !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/19/98 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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Crowd: WOOOOOOOO
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Jerry: Hello, thank you all for joining us today!
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Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
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Jerry: Thank you! And thank you for going to see my movie, Ringmaster!
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Crowd: WOOOOO!
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Jerry: Thank you, thank you! Let's meet our first guest, Tim.
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Hello, Tim!
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Tim: Hello, Jerry. It's a dubious honor to be on your show.
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Jerry: Heh, well, Tim, let's get to know you a little bit. You've been
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going out with <fumbles with notecard> Julia? for ... <fumbles,
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pushes up glasses>... 6 months now?
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Tim: Six of the happiest months of my life.
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Jerry: How did the two of you meet?
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Tim: I always hung out at this posh Internet cafe called Octane. Julia
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frequented it as well. We hit things off marvelously and things
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have gone uphill from there.
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Jerry: Do you love her?
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Tim: I love her with my entire soul, Jerry! I'd jump in front of a
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bullet for her. In fact <digs in pocket>, I have something for
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her. <shows ring to camera>
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Jerry: Well, it sounds like the two of you are serious. You know you're
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here today to hear something from Julia, so let's bring her out.
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<Julia walks out, crowd roars>
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Jerry: Hello Julia.
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Julia: Hi Jerry! It's a pleasure to be here. Did I mention I am a
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misunderstood artist?
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Jerry: That's great, Julia... Tim know you brought him on the show to
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tell him something, so I'll leave the two of you alone.
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<folds arms>
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Julia: Tim, we've been going out for awhile now...<scoots chair closer
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to Tim, holds his hands>
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Tim: You're right -- Julia, <pulls ring out of pocket> will you
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marry me?
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Julia: Umm, actually, ummm, ummm...
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Tim: What? Is something wrong, hon?
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Julia: You see... you remember when I told you about my old boyfriend,
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Jason?
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Tim: Yeah, sure, he seemed like a pretty cool guy.
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Julia: Well, I started seeing him again.
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<Tim's jaw drops, scoots away from Juliam crowd booes initially
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at Julia, then cheers Tim>
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Tim: You...you...what!?@
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Julia: We've been seeing each other the past 2 months. We've been
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sleeping together, too.
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Tim: Fuck you, bitch. <Gets up and walks off stage>
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<cheers from the crowd>
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Jerry: Well, Julia. I guess he didn't take that very well.
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<laughter>
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Julia: I don't know what the problem is Jerry. Jason is a nice guy, I
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think he and Tim will get along well. Let's bring out Jason!
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<crowd booes>
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<Jason comes out, pulls Julia close and starts kissing her>
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Jason: Fuck you all, you don't know me! You don't know what it's like!
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I'm a film maker! I'm misunderstood! My life is hard!
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<boo>
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<Tim returns, cheers>
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Tim: You're such a stupid bitch. I can't believe I didn't see it
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sooner.
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Julia: Tiiiiim! Don't say that! I love you!
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Tim: But you're fucking this asshole?
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<Jason jumps up and runs towards Tim. Tim holds his leg out and
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Jason trips. Crowd laughs.>
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Jerry: Jason, calm down and behave yourself. Tim, how do you feel
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about this?
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Tim: Well, Jerry, I'm pretty damned surprised. We've been going out
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for awhile, and, well, she's been getting kind of distant and
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weird lately, but I didn't see this coming. How could you?
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Julia: I....I...I'm so misunderstood. God, how can you not understand
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Tim? My college art teacher hated my work! I had to drop out!
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How can you be so insensitive to my needs??
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Tim: Are you fucking STUPID? You were dating ME and you started
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FUCKING some other guy! YOU DUMB BITCH! How could I have been
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so stupid?
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<Julia cries, Jason looks dumbfounded>
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Jerry: Jason, how do you feel about taking Julia away from Tim?
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Jason: Jerry, you've got to understand -- Julia and I are both
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misunderstood artists. Don't you see the beret I am wearing?
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You can't possibly understand what's going on in my head. I
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mean, last night I was sucking some guy's dick for 20 bucks!
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How low can one sink to be an artist?
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Julia: You, you what?
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<Tim laughs maliciously>
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Jason: I sucked cock to get money to take you out for breakfast.
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Jerry, do you know how hard it is to find a vegetarian
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restaurant in Chicago?
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Tim: Haha, we always had that trouble. She's a fucking picky eater
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bitch.
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Julia: Tiiiim! Why are you being so mean to me?
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Tim: YOU TORE MY HEART OUT ON TELEVISION WITH A FUCKING SPOON YOU
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GODDAMNED STUPID BITCH! WHAT PART DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
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<Julia sobs>
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Tim: So, Jason, have you gotten to the sex part yet?
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Jason: Yeah, it's OK.
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Tim: For the first couple weeks, but then she starts losing interest.
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The only thing that kept me interested were her enormous breasts.
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Jason: Yeah, you're right. They are enormous. Other than that I don't
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think she has many redeeming qualities. Physically. Obviously
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we have an artistic connection you could never understand.
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Tim: I thought we had that, too, but in the last fifteen minutes I
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realized what a dumb bitch she is.
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Julia: <sob> How can you say this? I hate both of you!
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Jerry: Let's take some questions from the audience...
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Large-breasted-tight-shirt girl-#1: If you're into breasts, check
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these out!
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<flashes stage>
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<Tim and Jason chuckle and clap, audience shouts JERRY JERRY JERRY>
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Large black woman #1: Y'all need ta stop what y'all be doin, cuz it
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don't lead to nowhere but trouble!
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<confused applause>
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Dorky looking artfag #1: This is a question for Julia -- so I guess
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you're done with both Tim and Jason after the show?
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Julia: <sob> Yes <sob>
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DLA1: Well, I'm free, see my beret? I think we'd get along fine!
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Idiot: Julia, show us your tits!
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<chants of Jerry ensue, Julia just sobs>
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A Cool dude: Julia, I think you're a fucking bitch! It's obvious Tim
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gave his all to you and you just trashed him on TV! Fuck
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you, stupid hooker!
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<Tim and Jason laugh, audience applauds>
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Tim: Hey Jason, fuck this bitch.
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Jason: I did.
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Tim: Heh, so did I. Forget about that, let's get the hell out of
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here.
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<walks by Julia>
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Tim: Fuck you.
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<throws down mic>
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Jason: Fuck you.
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<follows Tim>
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Julia: <sob>
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Jerry: And now for my final thought -- When you're dating someone, make
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sure they're not a stupid bitch or you might end up on my show!
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HAHA! Join us tomorrow for "The Bizarre Fetishes of Ezine
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Writers!"
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<applause, fade out>
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #359 - WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 12/19/98 !!
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