125 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
125 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #315 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Reject" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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I have decided that maybe I should try to become a vegetarian
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again.
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I don't really know what sparked this. Maybe it's because, for
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the past week and a half, all I've been eating pretty much is salad and
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cottage cheese. Occasionally, a potato. But I think I've only eaten
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red meat once in that entire time.
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This is not like me. My first reaction is, who is inhabiting my
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body and WHERE THE HELL DID I GO? But the more I think about it, the
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more clearly I see the true culpritsin my haze of rash change: Catalina
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Dressing and Fake Baco's.
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I've always hated salad dressing; I've always just eaten a pile
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of rabbit food. However, my mom bought a bunch of Salads In A Bag, and
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they looked rather bland, so I thought, what the hell? It's fat free,
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why not try some freaky new dressing. Surprise! Yummy! So I made my
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usual salad consisting of lettuce, shredded carrots and cheese, Fake
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Baco's, and some Catalina dressing.
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After the first three bowls, I thought to myself, who needs other
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food? I'll just eat salad for the rest of my natural born life.
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Catalina dressing is only $2.39 a bottle, and I can get lettuce and my
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usual toppings free at work. And suddenly, the thought of becoming a
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vegetarian crossed my mind.
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But I did NOT want to take the Fake Baco's out of the mix!
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They're so CRISPY. They add such a lovely FLAVOR and TEXTURE. I
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couldn't mess with perfection. Not now; now that I had discovered the
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Perfect Food.
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So I ran like a bitch in heat to read the label of those
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wonderful morsels of glory.
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SOY!!!!!
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Ahh, soy, my new best friend; how I love thee.
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How DO they make soy taste like bacon? How do they make soy
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taste like ANYTHING? Alas, these questions are best saved for later --
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MUCH later. After a few more salads.
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But then another thought crossed my mind... did I really want to
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become one of those scary Politically Correct vegetarian BASTARDS that I
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so much love to hate? Oh, this is where the story becomes a bit more
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complicated. I began to be reminded of the reasons why I did not want
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to EVER become a vegetarian.
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Reason #1
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=========
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I hate farm animals. I believe cows, pigs, and chickens die to
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be eaten for a reason; because they do not deserve to live. I HATE
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THEM -- living. Once they are dead and on the chopping block, then they
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are OK. But MAN... I really hate cows.
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This, I believed, would be the hardest reason for me to overcome.
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Reason #2
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=========
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I hate Politically Correct Bastards. The LAST person I wanted to
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become was one of those Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Rejects. I didn't
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want to turn in to Alison, the girl who I worked with at Wendy's who
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complained every time someone ordered a sandwich. She really, REALLY
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pissed me off. And once I go that road and become PC, what's going to
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stop me from telling sexist, racist, and religious jokes? Will I
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completely lose my sense of humor?
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This reason was tough, but everyone thinks I'm a hippie anyway.
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Besides, I'm not the preachy type, and as long as I stay off the hard
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drugs, I should be able to control myself from turning into That Which
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I Hate.
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Reason #3
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=========
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I am a meat pimp. I sell burgers and chicken for a living. I
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will be a walking, talking hypocrite until the day I decide I am "too
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good" for pimpin' and get a real job.
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I could live with that one. I'm already a hypocrite.
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Reason #4
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=========
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Thanksgiving turkey. KFC. Sausage and pepperoni pizza. Fast
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food. Deer sausage. Chicken and Cheese Quesodillas from Perkins.
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Oh, it all seemed so easy up until this one. I live on Chicken
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and Cheese Quesodillas. What else is there to eat at Perkins?
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Mozzerella sticks?
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The more I mulled this all over in my mind, the more I wanted
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another salad.
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*crunch*
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mmmmmmmmm...
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THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT
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THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT
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THE SALAD TELLS ME--
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I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD
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I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD
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THE SALAD IS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR
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EAT THE SALAD
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EAT THE SALAD
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...no more meat for me.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #315 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/6/98 !!
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