431 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
431 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #305 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Rise of The Mogels, The Final Chapter" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Trilobyte !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/3/98 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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The following story is an attempt to tie the loose ends of a
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bizarre series started in HOE #103, #111, #119, and #127. Please refer
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to those issues, if you're particularly masochistic and bored. They
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were written by Nybar, Mercuri, and Murmur.
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!!========================================================================!!
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"me ToO!!!#!"
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"mE tO0!/$%?$/"
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This was the cry of the Mogels. It was not heard loud through
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the wilderness. Children did not read quotes of Mogel in their history
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books, and pregnant women did not scream this at birth. That is because
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Mogel, after being cloned, was repressed by science.
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For decades, the Mogels were locked in a cage at Illinois
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Wesleyan University for study. Scientists from around the world came
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to watch the behavior of a few thousand little buggers who were exactly
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alike. They seemed so content in their little world of mazes, doors,
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and electric zapping pain things. Scientists used them as an example to
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show that society would get along just fine if everyone was exactly
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alike.
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Each moment, each movement, each reaction, exactly alike.
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There came to be a new form of philosophy called "Mogalium", in
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which all thought processes were directly associated to the completely
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predictable movements and decisions of the Minimogels. Their
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thought-making process, breathing patterns, movements, and all other
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attributes of their character were studied so much and the basis of so
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many similar reports that nothing new could come from studying them any
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longer. They had proven themselves outmoded.
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Once worldly scientists stopped coming to the university and all
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new books of research on the Minimogels ended up in bargain bins at
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Toys 'R Us, Illinois Wesleyan didn't know what to do with their little
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project. The Mogels' individual diets of tofu and ice cubes didn't cost
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much for the university, but in times of increasing financial
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competition between private institutions of higher learning, Wesleyan
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needed to make sure that all cash outflow meant income down the line.
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So they told the scientists to get rid of the Minimogels. The
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scientists, who were at the meeting, snubbed their noses at the
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administration. Said scientist Jubjub, "To Observe. It is imperative we
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preserve the natural balance! If even ONE MOGEL is killed it could be
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DISASTEROUS!"
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The administration replied that no further observation was to be
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done, and then kicked Jubjub in the groin.
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"Get a move on, turd," they told him.
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Jubjub returned to the lab and contemplated his situation. He
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loved these minimogels like his best friends. They were so kind and
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always wore happy faces. He couldn't allow himself to put them in a
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position where any harm could come to them. Could he convince the
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university to keep them all?
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He called up his friends Mercuri and Nybar. They were together
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in a Ford Windstar taking a circular trek across a large parking lot.
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Mercuri: Ello!
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Jubjub: Help! The Minimogels are in danger!
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Mercuri: What kind of danger?
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Nybar: The van is halfway off the cliff!
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Mercuri: What are the Mogels doing in a van?
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Jubjub: They're not in a van, they're here in the lab, like
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always!
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Mercuri: What was that about a van?
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Jubjub: I didn't say anything about a van, Nybar did!
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Mercuri: What did you say about that van, Nybar?
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Nybar: Nevermind, Mercuri, we're plummeting to our death.
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Mercuri: Oh, ok, nevermind about the van then.
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Jubjub: What are you guys doing? Are you in a van?
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Mercuri: We're in a van plummeting to our death.
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Jubjub: Will you live?
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Mercuri: No, we're on our way to die, see, so we'll be _dead_.
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Jubjub: Sure?
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Mercuri: Yeah.
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Jubjub: OK, talk to you guys later.
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Mercuri: Bye.
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Nybar: BYE!
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- - - - - - - - - -
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Mercuri and Nybar looked out of the windshield.
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Mercuri: Wait, we're not dying. There's no cliff. We're in a
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parking lot.
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Nybar: I'm so sick of this shit.
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Mercuri: This happens often.
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Nybar: Every fourth year, right after elections.
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Mercuri: Eat my brains?
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Nybar: Mmmmm.
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Nybar pulled out a spoon and began to devour Mercuri's brain.
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Nybar: Mmmmmm.
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Nybar continued to devour Mercuri's brain.
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Nybar: Oh, shit.
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Nybar ate some more of Mercuri's brain.
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Nybar: God fucking damn it. Nobody's driving this van. This
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is exactly what happened the last time... we're DOOMED!
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The van had left its circular path and connected head-on with the
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nearby mall. As Nybar's body violently smashed on the sides of the van
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his head crashed through the passenger side window. Blood was
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everywhere.
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- - - - - - - - - -
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A secret conversation about a secret plan took place between two
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secret people.
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"Well, we need someone whose disappearance would be left
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unnoticed. but we found it. _the_ (& you can quote me on this &
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underscore the word "the") most useless, harmless, & generally overlooked
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job is actually _e-zine editor_," said Voice One.
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"But how can we get one of these 'e-zine' editors?"
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"Sex."
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"No, I'm not having sex with one of them just to get them into the
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lab," Voice Two said defensively.
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"No, buttwipe, seduce one with sex. They can't turn it down. You
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offer them a woman to ride their donkey, and they'll... they'll... kill
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CHILDREN for you. They'll do ANYTHING," voice one told voice two.
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"And all we have to do is get one to our lab."
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"Right."
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"OK, let's go find one. What do they look like?" asked Voice Two.
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"Their heads are smashed in car windows and they hold spoons of
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half-eaten brains."
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"Hey, I know just the place! The old mall by the old phone
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company by the old computer company," voice two said excitedly.
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"Do they have e-zine editors there?"
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"I saw one yesterday!"
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"Great. Send out your daughter and get things rolling.
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Seduction of e-zine editor beginning... now."
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- - - - - - - - - -
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Voice Two, also known as Jubjub, sat in a car in the old abandoned
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parking lot with his beautiful daughter, named Daughter. He couldn't say
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anything that would convince her to help him with his mission.
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Jubjub: I'll give you cunnilingus every night for the next 3
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years.
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*awkward silence*
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Jubjub: So I got these pictures of Nybar with only his
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underwear on...
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Daughter: Underwear? Is Nybar the guy you want me to seduce?
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Jubjub: Yeah. Here's the picture.
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The picture showed Nybar's 16 erect nipples and the outline of
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his enormous member shone through his underwear like a whale in a wading
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pool.
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Daughter ran out of the car and over to the van, which was
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completely destroyed. Nybar's head was cut all over and his hair
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shimmered in the sun -- not because of its natural shininess but rather
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because of all the caked oozing blood and glass shards located within.
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His legs looked as if they were a special addition to the dashboard
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ventilation system and he held a spoon of uneaten brains.
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Daughter: Hey there cutey... how are you doin'?
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Nybar: Can't complain... you going to dummercon?
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Daughter: I... I dunno.
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Nybar: If you want to live, you have to do what I do.
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Daughter: If _I_ want to live? What about _you_? You're fucking
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destroyed, asshole.
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Nybar: Don't talk dirty to me.
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Daughter: Penis asshole vagina boobies testicles vulv-- UHH
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Nybar jumped out of the van and mounted Daughter. His enormous
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penis swelled to full size and on the first thrust ripped right through
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Daughter's pants and snugly inserted itself into her love canal. He
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stayed in this position for a few minutes and Daughter used the
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opportunity to walk over to Jubjub's car and throw Nybar into the back
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seat.
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"Good job. He most certainly is a e-zine editor. This is
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perfect", Jubjub said. "Let's see how they react now!"
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Daughter looked over at him and sneered. "This had better help
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out whatever the hell you're doing. I think he was fucking my damned
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esophagus. Jesus christ."
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"You think that's bad? Wait until we have our way and you get
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to meet a full-sized Mogel!" Jubjub broke into a fit of maniacal
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laughter as he drove out of the parking lot and back to the laboratory
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at Wesleyan.
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- - - - - - - - - -
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"oh my god," the assistant said. "i think we fucked up."
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"perhaps this was thanks to the stolen catapaults," said jubjub.
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Jubjub had devised an interesting scheme to put the Minimogels
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back into scientific vogue. This scheme went as such:
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a) Find e-zine editor
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b) Clone e-zine editor
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c) Put e-zine editor clones in with Minimogels
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d) Write reports
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e) Make money
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They had just reached stage (c) and had fears of whether stage
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(d) would be reached. Stay tuned.
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- - - - - - - - - -
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"Arf! Where's Froboy? Froboy raided my GARDEN. HE WENT INTO MY
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FUCKING GAR-DEEN. Froboy ate my fucking carrots. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY
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GOD DAMNED CARROTS FROBOY?" Mister Groody said.
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Spanky told him that Froboy went home.
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"What the PHRACK am I supposed to do now? That boy needs to DIE.
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He ate my CARROTS. I'm going to go over to his house and KILL HIM. God
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damned FROBOY. I don't know who he is but I'm going to kill him because
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he ate my carrots, I think. Prepare my buggy. I shall travel to THAT
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GOD DAMNED LOSER'S HOUSEHOLD AND TROUNCE UPON HIS VITAMIN-B ENRICHED
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SELF."
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Spanky told him, "Umm.. your stupid black kid is going to sneak
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there with you and I sent your cat already."
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"FINE THEN, I shall walk. Fetch hither BUCKWHEAT."
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Spanky turned and left down the sandy trail to the boarding house
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for the Negroes. When he got there, Buckwheat was the only one around.
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"Buckwheat, where is everybody?"
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"I think this little guy killed 'em all.
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"What little guy?" Spanky looked around and still didn't see
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anybody but Buckwheat in the boarding house.
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"Look here," Buckwheat said as he held up his hand to show Spanky
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what he had found.
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"Frappin' fritters!" Spanky exclaimed.
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"That's what I said when I saw 'im, Spanky! I don't know what to
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do with 'im. He just showed up 'n done killed a bunch of people and
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then I saw 'm and he just kept sayin' the same thing ovah and ovah
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ag'in."
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"What was that, Buckwheat? What'd the little man say to you?"
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"He said, 'mE tO0!/$%?$'"
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"Me too? That's a mighty weird thing for a little guy to say
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over and over."
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"I know, Spanky! I know! It's mighty queer! People don't just
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walk 'round sayin' none-such stuff like that. 'mE ToO#%!#' Who's he
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think he is?"
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Spanky reached over and grabbed the little man out of Buckwheat's
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hands. The little guy stared right into his soul. It was like nothing
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that had ever happened to him before.
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"Bye, Buckwheat," Spanky said as he hastily set the little man
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down on the ground and started out the door.
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"Just you wait'a minnit. Where you think you be goin?"
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Spanky stopped and leaned on the doorsill. "I'm gonna be a mega
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rock star." He felt strange all of a sudden. He felt a mass of clammy
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sweatness and odor around him.
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"You aren't going to be any ROCK STAR until I TELL YOU YOU ARE
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YOU LITTLE WORTHLESS SNOTRAG." Mr. Groody said to Spanky. "Now you two
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are comin' with me and we're going to kick the shit out of that fuckin'
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FroBoy wuss until he's dead or I get my carrot back."
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The two boys followed after Mr. Groody, but not until after
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Buckwheat quietly and carefully picked the little guy up off the floor.
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- - - - - - - - - -
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Something had gone especially wrong for Professor Jubjub. Even
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though he added his e-zine editor, there was still a distinct pattern.
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The groups of MiniMogels and MiniNybars always did the exact different
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thing at exactly the correct time, or so it seemed. One would exhale,
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the other inhale. One would chew, one would swallow. One would walk,
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the other would stand. It was a fascinating discovery but not much to
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write a paper on or make a lot of money about.
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Then he saw something magical.
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One Mogel and one Nybar were fornicating. Still doing the
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opposite, one was bending over and the other was standing up straight.
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Professor Jubjub was incredibly excited. "They're reproducing!
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They're reproducing," he screamed in glee. "I wonder what will come
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out!"
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- - - - - - - - - -
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Two hours later, the Mogel that had been bending over took an
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enormous dump, and out came a kid with lots of hair. FroBoy. FroBoy's
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departure from Mogel's bowels ripped an enormous tear in Mogel's ass.
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"I like vegetables!" Froboy exclaimed.
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The Minimogel crawled into a fetal position because of all the
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pain in his anal area. The Nybar that had been standing up during the
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sexual encounter screamed in anguish.
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"I WILL NOT HAVE A VEGETARIAN CHILD! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
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YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A BAD PARENT, MOGEL. I WANT A DIVORCE."
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Mogel only managed to let out a little squeak of sorts and then
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farted out some blood.
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Fascinated as fascinated could be, Jubjub, Daughter, and
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Assistant were rudely distracted by a fat man ringing the doorbell of
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their lab. They all screamed in unison for the fat man to come in. He
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brought two children with him. One child was a freckled white boy who
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wore a funny black derby. The other kid was a big-eyed Negro child.
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Mr. Groody, the fat man, stuck out his belly and heaved out a
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big sigh.
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- - - - - - - - - -
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Meanwhile, back in the cage:
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Mogel: Unnnghghhn.
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Nybar: FroBoy, would you like to have some salad?
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FroBoy: Yes! I love vegetables!
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Nybar: OK, FroBoy, my dear! Hold out your hand and close your
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eyes if you want a big surprise!
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FroBoy did exactly what Nybar asked as Nybar gathered up chunks of
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feces and flakes of dead skin. He placed it in FroBoy's outstretched
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hands and then poured some of Mogel's blood on it for dressing.
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FroBoy takes a bite of his salad. "Mmm, this is good salad," he
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said.
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"I'm glad you like it," said Nybar, with a motherly twinkle in
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his eye.
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- - - - - - - - - -
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"I have heard that there is a FroBoy who lives here," said Mr.
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Groody as he stepped into the laboratory.
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Jubjub was surprised that the news of FroBoy's birth had gotten
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out so quickly.
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"Why, uhm, yes. Yes he does. Would you like to see him?" he
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asked. Finally, he thought. An achievement he can show off to the
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world! The Minimogel project will _not_ die!
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But just as Jubjub was preparing to bring the fat man in to see
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his life's work, a horrendous screeching noise and metallic clangs came
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from in the lab. He ran in and found that a cat -- Mr. Groody's cat --
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had broken into the cage and clawed at or gnawed on all the miniature
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Mogels and Nybars.
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Jubjub began to cry. He cried and cried and cried. Buckwheat
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and Spanky walked over to comfort him.
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"Well, kiddies, looks like my job here is done. Won't be no
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more stinkin' little wimpy miniature people stealin' shit from my
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garden no more. We shall depart to my abode, now, skanky critters,"
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Mr. Groody said.
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Spanky got up to follow him, but Buckwheat lagged behind a
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moment.
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"I think ya'll could be usin dis here thing." He laid
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something down in Jubjub's hand and left.
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- - - - - - - - - -
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Two weeks later, the colony that had been wiped out of all Mogels
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and Nybars was back in full swing. The gift of one Miniature Mogel
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given to Jubjub by Buckwheat proved to be a miracle, as Froboy was still
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alive and well. They were slow to reproduce at first, but Jubjub then
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decided to speed along the process by playing romantic electronic covers
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of a Pavement B-side over and over on a nearby computer.
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Illinois Wesleyan regards Professor Jubjub's lab with the highest
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of respect and honor. No time in the forseeable future will his lab be
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shut down. The Mogels and FroBoys and their children serve worthwhile
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purposes in the community of Bloomington-Normal and their own community
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in the lab room is as diverse as it is horny.
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And best of all, Buckwheat will be getting a full-ride scholarship
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in the fall. He's rooming with Neko.
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--- The End ---
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #305 - WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE - 12/3/98 !!
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