106 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
106 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #287 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Wanna Rock!" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/16/98 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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Today, I realized the sad state of America.
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At work (where I am one of the elderly, the over-20 set), I was
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humming a little tune that wouldn't get out of my head. So, par my usual
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Daily Annoyance, I made the comment, "UGH, I wish this song would get out
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of my head!" I sat and waited for someone to take the bait, just like I
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do every day I work, 6 days and 50 hours a week.
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Finally, a taker.
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"Alright, what's stuck in your head today," asked Matt, knowing
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then that he should know better than to ask such questions.
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"Poison's 'Talk Dirty To Me'," I replied.
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Silence.
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"Never heard of it," replied poor 16-year-old, '80s-baby Matt.
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I cried.
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I remembered the days of long ago, when MTV was full of Aqua Net
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hairdom and everything was fun. Androgynous men sung about getting laid,
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having lots of sex, and on occasion, getting a piece of ass. Scantily
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clad women weren't complaining about 'equal treatment' or about being
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'sex symbols', they were hopping into Corvettes driven by longhairs
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wearing the latest animal print styles and participating in wild 8-on-1
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orgies with various other girls of similar stature. It was a blast.
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Nothing was more wonderful than the wonderful thought-provoking
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lyrics of the geniuses of the age. Who could forget...
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--> "You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold /
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I had to run away high so I wouldn't come home low"
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-- Motley Crue, "Home Sweet Home"
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--> "Schoolboy's dream, she acts so shy /
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Your very first kiss is your first kiss goodbye"
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-- Bon Jovi, "You Give Love A Bad Name"
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--> "Bang bang, shoot 'em up /
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The party never ends /
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You can't think of dyin' /
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When the bottle's your best friend"
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-- Skid Row, "18 and Life"
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--> "When you make love /
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Do you look in the mirror /
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Who do you think of /
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Does he look like me?"
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-- Def Leppard, "Love Bites"
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--> "Take me down to the Paradise City /
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Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty"
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-- Guns 'N Roses, "Paradise City"
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--> "I've got a girl to the left of me /
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A girl on the right /
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I know damn well I slept with both last night"
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-- Poison, "Look What The Cat Dragged In"
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--> "One girl ain't enuff for me /
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I think I'll play with two /
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Stack 'em up like pancakes /
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Flip 'em over when I'm through"
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-- Danger Danger, "Horny S.O.B."
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How could we all have let this slip through our fingers!?
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Children of the '90s are growing up in a world completely devoid of big
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hair. Our educational system is failing badly in this area... something
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must be done.
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What you will need
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==================
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- a 14 year old who has bypassed big hair for something
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"intellectually stimulating"
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- a cheap copy of Warrant's "Cherry Pie"
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- a very, very loud stereo
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- glue
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Directions
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==========
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1) Glue the 14 year old's ear to the speakers of the stereo.
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2) Crank the volume (to 11 of course) on the stereo.
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3) Press 'Play' (and if applicable, 'Repeat')
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4) Return once every hour and stop the music just long enough
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to ask the child, "WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE???"
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Save our children. Save '80s hair metal. Rock.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #287 -> WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 11/16/98 !!
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