191 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
191 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #244
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$$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt.
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$$$$P $$$$ x$$$$
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$$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$.
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$$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$'
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$$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P'
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$$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %%
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$$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %%
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>> "Colfax, Colfax - I love thee" <<
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by -> Jook
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towns like colfax, illinois are strange to me. i guess towns that were
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destroyed, mangled, obliterated, annihilated, expunged, & blown into
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oblivionby technology really blow my mind sometimes. the fact that these
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towns are still around & not just a deserted village for ghosts & memories of
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the past is proof enough for me of god's existence. colfax, illinois is one
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hell of a town, i must say. the problem started because colfax was a test
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site for the atom bomb during world war ii & was actually bombed in the
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guamanian-american war of 1999 (guamanian emperor roberta kinchla says "dey
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were impordent 'den, so dey musta be impordent gnow"). but with the dirt,
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wood, pieces of trailers, grills, baby clothes, coffee cups, leather jackets,
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watches, underwear, silverware & other material items being blown sky high
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with the first detonation of the atom bomb in colfax, memories flew into the
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air as well. like a family portrait, everything was spread onto the table
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because everything and everyone could be seen. colfax, illinois was home of
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marcy lewis, officially the nicest woman this world has ever seen; home of
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the world famous apple cheese cake; home of the 1987 high school baseball
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champions, the colfax high school bombadeers; gave birth to jimmy petterson,
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creator of that lovable, adorable banana pirate pete; has the highest case
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rate of lice, age 8-15 this side of the appalachians; is the only town or
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city that has a population of less than 50 that has applied to be a site of
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the summer olympics; & is the only place that the galapagos tortoise has ever
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been seen outside the galapagos islands.
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up until the second world war, colfax, illinois had been a town that existed
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primarily because of the farming community around the area. corn was the
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primary resource of colfax, with rice & pumpkin a close second & third. now,
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the government really didn't pay attention to the fact that people actually
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lived in the town of colfax, so on the morning of july 2, 1942 the people of
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colfax, illinois were quite surprised to see an extremely large mushroom
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cloud in the distance, sucking up most anything in its path. colfax was soon
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deemed "doom town" by many. government records report jim torkelson selling
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his farm to the united states government the fall before for a lofty $2.8
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million. tours are given once a spring, usually on a monday or thursday.
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inquiries can be made at (702) 295-0944. price is $.25 for adults (admission
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free for children). please wear casual clothing in case of a fallout.
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the galapagos tortoise, scientifically named the testudo nigra, was first
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seen 35 years after the first test of the atom bomb. bela reed, one of the
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scientist who had worked on the bomb, was taking an evening stroll on the
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night of may 14, 1978. bela reed, equally as much of an animal lover as he is
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a lover of charles darwin, noticed the awkward looking turtle a block or so
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away from his house. in his report to scientific america, reed quoted darwin,
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saying that the tortoise "is very fond of water, drinking large quantities, &
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wallowing in the mud." continuing on in his report, reed said that just like
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the tortoise found on the galapagos islands, the tortoise used their bladder
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"as a sort of reservoir for moisture necessary to its existence." another
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similarity that reed found with darwin's reports is the speed at which the
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tortoise walked. darwin was quoted saying that "one large tortoise...walked
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at the rate of 60 yards in ten minutes," much like the tortoise that reed had
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tested walking at a rate of 65 yards in ten minutes. reed reported that it is
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as if the galapagos tortoise had been found, but had evolved even farther.
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the apple cheese cake was born on june 9th, 1987. the illinois state fair was
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two weeks away & mary loise beckett, wife of donald beckett, mother of 4
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(justin, chad, sunny, & phebe), self-employeed seamstress, resident alien
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lover, fan of the new york mets, has a self-designed tattoo of her first
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sexual encounter on the left check of her ass, prom court queen of 1985 at
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colfax high, needed a recipe to compete with maria drum's pumpkin
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snickerdoodle pie, which had won first prize at the illinois state fair's
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bakeoff for the past 6 years. the pumpkin snickerdoodle pie, with its
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glicening filling, shining at you with an evil stare, provoking you to take
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bite after bite after bite, making you feel like you should be ashamed after
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you do. the pumpkin snickerdoodle pie, like shaft picking up a woman, wasn't
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the reigning champ for no reason. mary beckett was not known for her cooking,
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in fact her husband donald usually cooked dinner for the beckett's, even
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after a long day of work at the ford plant. mary's mother was, giving mary a
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glimpse of hope. that glimpse of hope transformed mary into a cooking
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machine, with its gears turning & turning.
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preparing for the long haul, she preped her kitched for war. in her kitchen
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she got a new refridgerator, with pictures of everyone in her family on it, a
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magnet that read "you want me to cook? die!" on it, an article cut out from
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the newspaper that talked about jonathon ray and his new tractor that he
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bought for his farm, recipes from woman's day that she liked and was going to
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look off of for ideas for her new dessert, a copy of a receipt from the
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bergner's sale in the big 'ol bloomington-normal last weekend where she
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bought a new dress for the fair, and the bowling scores of her husbands
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bowling team, "the killer kolfax kutterz." on the counter, there was a brand
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new blender, with fresh blood from mary's first attempt to blend anything in
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her life, too bad it was her hand she blended. on the table was a new cutting
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board, new knives, a bowl of wooden fruit, and a record player with benny
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goodman records to keep her company late at night.
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after two nervous break downs, a tragic accident involving a deadly block of
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cream cheese that cut mary's right leg off, & a severe case of depression,
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the apple cheese cake was born. the apple filling, & the apple chunks, could
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be smelled past the horse show that day at the fair, filling the air with an
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aroma that attracted people from as far away as the 4-h show on the other
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side of the fair grounds. the judges at the fair were breathless with
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excitement towards her "divine creation." one judge, biting into the sin that
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was the apple cheese cake, said "this cake is like having an orgasm every
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waking moment of the day. i just can't control myself." judges were also
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quoted saying "this tastes like god itself." another, "i could just eat mary
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up." & in her acceptance speech of the first prize ribbon, mary announced to
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the onlookers that "i am leaving my husband, my family, & the town of colfax
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to bring this divine treat to the rest of the world." no one argued, for they
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knew it was what god wanted for the apple cheese cake.
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getting back to the town of colfax, illinois, the somnambulistic atmosphere
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that was left after the second world war was the saddest part. families moved
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out, meaning no business for the shops in downtown colfax, so they closed
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down, & with no business to run & no money to make, the business owners moved
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out of town, & with no business the town basically became non-existent. my
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friend steven reminds me of colfax, illinois. he comes back from the korean
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war with one good leg, a shotgun shell in the right side of his face, & can't
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remember a damn thing about himself from before the war. but everyday, he
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limps out of bed with his one good leg, banging his head against the wall
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trying to remember how to pee. after banging his head against the wall &
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after he remembers how to pee, steven goes into his "listening" room as he
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calls it, & listens to the song "regarding steven" by blues traveler.
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"dum dum dum dum dum doo doo dum dum tweet tweet tweet, etc. etc. etc/ well i
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guess your name & i'm sure you know mine/ i'd like to discuss our mutual
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friend./ i can't helped but feel i left him behind/ does he still stay with
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you or did his pain ever end?/ i guess i don't deserve to know, if he ever
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let go/ i guess i don't really need to see if he wound up with you or did he
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break free/ we were both young when he took us in . . ." listening to the
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words, while taking 6 or 8 or 7 aspirins to relieve the pain of the shotgun
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shell in his face, flashbacks of before the war would come back to him. gina
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& chan. all three lived together in colfax, started out as r&om roommates put
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together by the gods of the local colfax newspaper want ads, but ended up as
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close friends. or at least they were. after steven left for the war, chan &
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gina had a huge blowup over their love for each other, each others love for
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steven. it occurred to chan to escape, "please decide," chan said to gina.
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"i'm escaping. there are endless impossibilities here with you & me & steven.
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i can't h&le the pressure."
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"but chan, we need each other," gina told chan. "everything's alright.
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everything's okay. everything cuts against the tide sometimes. you love me, i
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love you, you love steven, i love steven. so what! we can deal with it."
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chan walked across the apartment, looking as far away from gina as possible.
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"well, gina, my heart can only deal with one person at a time, & if there's
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more than that i can't h&le any of it." picking up his black, classic guitar
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case with various stickers covering the front of the case, chan continued
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"it felt a lot better when we were younger. then i could h&le it at least a
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bit, & even though it has only been a few years, i have grown a lot during
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that time. i'm searching for something & you can't be there if even a small
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part of your heart is in love with steven. i'm taking the long cut, gina.
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i'll get where i want eventually."
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exhausted, gina sat in the chair that the three first bought when they moved
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in together. in their first real "adventure" together they had decided they
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needed some furniture, so they headed out in steven's old truck & wondered
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around the streets of colfax looking for old furniture left out on the curbs
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of homes or apartments complexes. after a good 45 minutes that happened upon
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this pea green, flowered piece of trash gina sat in. "chan, will you say i
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love you,' at least? will you atleast admit that?"
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"gina, i don't love you."
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"bullshit, steven. you loved me yesterday, you love me today, you'll love me
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tomorrow wherever you may be going."
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chan continued packing his stuff, piling his clothes up, throwing away stuff
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that would be useless to him. "gina, look, i don't want to be with you, i
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don't want to be anywhere near you. i don't want to look at you. i don't want
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to think about you. just shut the hell up."
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or so gina told steven, in the vegetable state he was in. in a letter to the
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two after steven got back from the war he explains differently, saying
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"i got this deal, see, in the city. lots of gigs, lots of gigs. i can make
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ithere, steven. don't believe gina. this is good for me. this is good for us.
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you taught us both how to live, how to believe ourselves, how to believe in
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others. you exposed the truth to us during the most delicate years of our
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life. i don't know if you want to hear from me or not, if you want to even
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know if i exist. you inspire me even now, years later.
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love, chan"
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #244 -- written by Jook -- 6/12/98 *
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