142 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
142 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
$$$$$$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #221
|
|
$$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt.
|
|
$$$$P $$$$ x$$$$
|
|
$$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$.
|
|
$$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$'
|
|
$$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P'
|
|
$$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %%
|
|
$$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %%
|
|
|
|
>> "The Never-ending Story of Norman, a Guy Who
|
|
Hates Fishing and Eats A Lot of Haggis" <<
|
|
by -> RM
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Part One
|
|
--------
|
|
|
|
Norman got up. It was a pretty average Sunday morning. He had a
|
|
pullover buzz from all the pot he'd been smoking the night before. It was a
|
|
good pullover, though - the kind that hummed and made him want to do shit.
|
|
Understanding that, it is logical that Norman would get out of bed and say
|
|
to himself, "I think I'll go do shit." Which is what he did.
|
|
|
|
Norman went downstairs to the kitchen. He looked at the wall for a
|
|
long time. He didn't know why - he just liked the wall. Maybe it had
|
|
something to do with the massive grease stains etched into the plaster.
|
|
Eventually, his mother, who was also zoned out because she was taking a lot
|
|
of Prozac to recover from the death of her poodle, Mitzi, noticed him.
|
|
|
|
"Good morning, hon," she said. "Want some haggis?"
|
|
|
|
"Suck my ass it smells," said Norman.
|
|
|
|
"Okay, hon."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Part Two
|
|
--------
|
|
|
|
Norman finished eating his haggis and headed out to go to the
|
|
supermarket. He had to buy more cow intestines and a nice juicy sheep's
|
|
heart so his mom could make him more haggis. On his way to the store,
|
|
Norman decided to smoke more pot. He loaded his bullet and finished off two
|
|
bowls before reaching the place which some might have denoted as a candidate
|
|
for quite possibly being the location where a man might have built a
|
|
structure that could be construed as a grocery store, i.e., supermarket.
|
|
|
|
Inside the store, Norman saw a big isle filled with spatulas. Oh,
|
|
how he loved spatulas. You see, Norman had his own spatula at home that he
|
|
often used to lift his haggis from the pot. He preferred a spatula with
|
|
little holes in it, because it allowed the blood to drain out and gave him
|
|
pure, unadulterated, 100% haggis. Norman might have bought another spatula
|
|
then and there, but he couldn't because he only had just enough money to get
|
|
the animal guts. He *did* have his priorities, after all.
|
|
|
|
As he neared the meat counter, many people stared at him with a
|
|
demeaning look. "Hee hee," they said, "it's the haggis boy!" Norman just
|
|
stared back and walked up to the counter.
|
|
|
|
The guy who sold the haggis to him smiled and said, "Hee hee, haggis
|
|
boy, do you like eating haggis all the time?"
|
|
|
|
"Suck my ass it smells," said Norman.
|
|
|
|
"Hee hee, but why would I suck your ass? What does it smell like?"
|
|
|
|
"Haggis."
|
|
|
|
"Hee hee, why does it smell like haggis?"
|
|
|
|
"Because I shove the haggis up my ass before I eat it."
|
|
|
|
It was true. All true. Norman had what the doctors called a phallic
|
|
obsession. They said it had something to do with the way he was born.
|
|
Apparently when he came out of the womb, the doctor, while meaning to cut
|
|
the umbilical cord, had mistakenly lopped off about half his penis. They
|
|
had been able to repair the damage, but it was still a lot shorter than it
|
|
should have been. Ever since, though, he had grown a passion for putting
|
|
penis-shaped objects up his ass. He wasn't gay; he just liked sticking
|
|
things up his ass. It happens, ya know. It happens all the time.
|
|
|
|
Norman grabbed his haggis and gave the evil man the money, then left
|
|
the store, but not before taking one last longing look at the spatulas.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Part Three
|
|
----------
|
|
|
|
As Norman drove home, he started thinking about his car. He had a
|
|
decent enough car, he supposed. It was shiny and blue. It had no horns or
|
|
lights, however, but that was okay with him because it meant that when he
|
|
was out doing a drug deal at night he could cut off his lights and not worry
|
|
about people seeing him. The car also had a shitty sound system. The
|
|
speakers were really old and half busted, but he had a 5-disc changer in the
|
|
back that he used. He always had the same five CDs in it - Pieces Of You
|
|
(Jewel), The Craft soundtrack, Aenima (Tool), Breathless (Kenny G), and the
|
|
TMNT soundtrack. Needless to say, people made fun of Norman for his shitty
|
|
music. Girls thought he was a wussy boy. He didn't care. He preferred to
|
|
ride around and smoke pot while he listened to Kenny G than to get laid.
|
|
|
|
About ten miles from his house, Norman saw a pond in a small patch of
|
|
woods. He decided to go out there and smoke another bowl before he went
|
|
home. He got out of the car, took his drugs and drug paraphernalia with
|
|
him, and sat on a large clump of fungus that was growing on a tree trunk.
|
|
As he was about to light his bowl, he heard sloshing sounds from the middle
|
|
of the little pond. It was a fisherman.
|
|
|
|
Norman HATED fishermen. He was convinced they were evil. They
|
|
killed fish in the most evil way - by making them suffocate themselves to
|
|
death. Eating haggis was different, because the animal was already dead
|
|
when they got the organs, and besides, they killed the cows and sheep
|
|
quickly with a gun or knife; but killing and eating a fish was downright
|
|
cruel. A tear appeared in the corner of Norman's eye. He wiped it away and
|
|
threw his bowl down on the ground.
|
|
|
|
"Hey, there, buddy," said the fisherman. "Come out here to fish?"
|
|
|
|
"Suck my ass it smells," screamed Norman.
|
|
|
|
The fisherman laughed and then said, "What's that, sonny? Your truck
|
|
has a bass smell? You musta been fishing alot!"
|
|
|
|
"SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS!," he screamed again, a bit louder.
|
|
|
|
"Oh! Well, then, have a nice day!"
|
|
|
|
Norman grabbed his shit, walked slowly back to his car, finished his
|
|
bowl, listened to a few Jewel songs, and then went home.
|
|
|
|
----------
|
|
|
|
COMING SOON IN THE NEVER-ENDING STORY OF NORMAN:
|
|
|
|
Norman goes to Disneyland.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
* (c) HoE publications. HoE #221 -- written by RM -- 4/3/98 *
|