79 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
79 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
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$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$ hogz of entropy #166
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$$$$$P $$$$ $$$$ moo, oink, up your butt.
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$$$$P $$$$ x$$$$
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$$$P $$$$ xP$$$$ d$$$$$$$$$$$.
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$$$. $$$$xP $$$$ $$$$$$' >$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$. $$$$P $$$$ 4$$$$$. .$$$$'
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$$$$'`4$$$b. $$$$ $$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$P'
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$$$$b 4$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$< %%
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$$$$$b 4$$$$$x $$$$$$$$$$$ 4$$$$$$$$$ %%
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>> "The Spirit of Giving" <<
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*or*
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>> Come Here, Motherfucker, and I'll Give You a Hole in the Head <<
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by -> PezMonkey
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I've made some important discoveries over the course of my winter
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break. Discoveries about the world, you might say. And while none are
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particularly revolutionary, they were nothing less than brilliant when I
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realized them. Some of my discoveries: professional wrestling is the best
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thing on T.V., cheerleaders are stupid (not just in that "what's the point
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in having them" sense, but literally stupid), and that there is nothing
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worse than the feeling of getting up out of your nice warm bed to use the
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bathroom, only to find that the seat is cold, and there is no toilet paper,
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probably seem stupid and unimportant (though really they're quite
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remarkable). However, I did make one discovery that should be pretty damn
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important to everyone. I realized why there is so much holiday violence:
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the spirit of giving and the popularity of driving.
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It is my firm belief that the idea of giving presents at Christmas
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time was first conceptualized by Satan, to reach its full effect in late
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20th and early 21st centuries, just before the apocalypse. See, this is how
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it works in our modern era: One day, usually about 3 days before Christmas,
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we realize that other people are going to give us stuff, and therefore
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expect stuff in return: the spirit of giving! So, we go rushing, madly, to
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our vehicles to get them whatever shit stores can mark up to 560% over the
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original cost. Therein begins the violence of the holiday season.
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I consider myself to be a non-violent person, perhaps even to an
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extreme absurd, but yesterday, had I an AK47, I would have taken out every
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person driving in east Atlanta. I really believe that Satan magically
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generates a few billion extra people to crowd up the roadways the week
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before Christmas, in order to piss everyone off, and encourage drivers,
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shoppers, and sales clerks to kick the shit out of each other. If one more
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motherfucker cuts me off, takes my fucking parking space, or honks his
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goddamn horn, I'll give a new meaning to the spirit of giving. Come here,
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motherfucker, and I'll give you a hole in the head.
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And then, thoroughly pissed off by dumbasses who can't drive (mostly
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the stupid old blue-haired ladies who should have gotten their licenses
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taken away 20 years ago), like the dumb bitch who came, perpendicular,
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across 4 lanes of traffic and proceeded to try and squeeze in under the
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light just in front of me. Uh..no, bitch... *Then* I have to go into the
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mall! And everything costs a shitload, and it turns out I can either buy a
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present for one person, or go back home and get out the Crayolas and
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construction paper. But I've already driven all the way out here, there's
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no way I'd go home. I've got a mission.
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Some people are lucky. For example, some man at Wal-mart yesterday,
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realizing he couldn't afford presents, noticed the Wells Fargo Truck parked
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outside. How convenient! How lucky! So he just pulled a gun on the driver
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and held up the money truck. Then shot the passengers in the cars all
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around. Holiday violence, all in the name of giving.
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It's brilliant, really, on Satan's part. I mean, come up with a
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holiday that's supposed to be about God and Jesus, and instead turn it into
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a bloodfest, filled with hate and anger. I'm leaving in a moment to finish
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the last of my shopping, and if it's anything like yesterday, I'll shoot my
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own mother if she cuts me off. Bitch.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #166 -- written by PezMonkey -- 12/26/97 *
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