101 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
101 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
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.-..-. .--. .--. n
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hoe issue #119
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>> "how to get chicks: the faq!" <<
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by -> swisspope
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1) How do I get chicks?
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Listen to glam rock and adopt the image and the lifestyle.
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2) Why do glam rock dudes get chicks?
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They are many reasons why glam rock dudes get chicks. They are
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happy, they are secure, they have adorable smiles, they are talented
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musicians, they have long hair, and last but not least, they know how to
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_party_down_.
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3) Aren't there consequences of partying down?
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Yes, you might become an alcoholic.
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4) What famous glam rock dude and television actress have maintained
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successful marriage?
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Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli. Valeria Bertinelli of
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course was the most loved teenage actress of the 1970's, and possibly of
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all time. As you can see, Eddie Van Halen is a lucky mother fucker. We
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can therefore attribute his success to being a glam rock dude.
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5) I am already a glam rock dude, but I want my relationship to last.
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According to the Lifetime television special, "Intimate Portrait
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of Valerie Bertinelli", Eddie says that it is important for both
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partners to be _comfortable_ with each other, _communicate_, and have a
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relationship built around a strong emotional _support network_. If you
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simply keep these goals in mind, your relationship should turn out just
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fine. If you get dumped, you were going out with a dumb bitch in the
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first place and you should be happy you came to your senses. You simply
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cannot lose.
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6) What is some good music to make out to?
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Bon Jovi's _New_Jersey_.
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Whitesnake's _The_Only_Road_I_Call_My_Own_.
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Van Halen's _1984_.
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Poison's _Flesh_&_Blood_.
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Led Zeppelin's _IV_.
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Judas Priest's _She's_In_Love_.
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7) Should I affect a Australian accent to aid in pick up lines?
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Although several glam rock dudes hail from "the land down
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under", one does not need to be foreign to be an effective "babe
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magnet."
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So if you do not already have a Australian accent, do not
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pretend that you do. Be yourself!
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8) Why do glam rock dudes get chicks and heavy metal dudes do not?
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The average person might not be able to distinguish between a
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glam rock dude and a heavy metal dude. There is a difference. A glam
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rock dude has a certain smile, way of parting his hair, and twinkle in
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his eyes. The only distinguishable feature of a heavy metal dude is a
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cashed look in his eyes which more or less says "I did not get laid last
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night, instead I got drunk and drove through cemeteries in my truck,
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trying to turn over gravestones."
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9) Do I need a leather jacket?
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Yes, otherwise you will be laughed at! It also helps to have
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one or two dangling earrings in the _left_ ear. Remember that the more
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you can out "glam" the rest, the more chicks you will get!
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10) I have heard that glam rock dudes have special pheromones that help
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them attract women.
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We are looking into this.
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11) Will glam rock ever die?
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No. An organization called the Foundation To Keep Glam Rock
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Alive was founded in the early 1990's when it was suspected that glam
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rock might die when MTV stopped playing Poison videos and started
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playing Pearl Jam. To join, e-mail: glamrock@hotmail.com.
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Special note to swingers: The FTKGRA has an annual convention in
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Bismarck, North Dakota. It is an excellent place to party down!
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #119 -- written by swisspope -- 6/11/97 *
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