272 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
272 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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do you miss that feeling of oldschool stupid & silly text files...?
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well, dem HOGS 'of' ENTROPY present...
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oooo .oooo.
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.dP .dP `888 d8P'`Y8b Yb Yb
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.dP .dP 888 .oo. 888 888 .ooooo. `Yb `Yb
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<< dP_____dP_________888P"Y88b__888____888_d88'_`88b_______`Yb____`Yb >>
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<< Yb~~~~~Yb~~~~~~~~~888~~~888~~888~~~~888~888ooo888~~~~~~~.dP~~~~.dP >>
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`Yb `Yb 888 888 `88b d88' 888 .o .dP .dP
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`Yb `Yb o888o o888o `Y8bd8P' `Y8bod8P' dP dP
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- -> #107 <- -
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>> ao, li-fo #7 <<
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by -> food
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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ACT ONE: AO LI FO ENTERS THE DUNGEONS OF DOOM
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Act one, scene one;
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Enter Satan;
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Satan: Hahahaa. Soon, I shall rule the world. But first, I must destroy that
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pesky Ao Li-Fo! A curse upon the house of Ao! Ahhh! But what do I say?
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I doth divide my own house. I am a fool for not being so careful!
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Still, this won't affect my future plans for Li Fo! Haaa! Hahaaaa!
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Hahahaha! Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha! hahahahaha-
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enter daemon;
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daemon: Lord High Satan Sir!
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Satan: Shut up you fool! I was in the middle of laughing! [strikes down the
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daemon with a bolt of lightning]. Now, where was i.. Oh yes.. Hahaha!
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Haaaa hahahaha!
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enter second daemon;
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Satan: Hahaha! Haaaaaaa! [peers at daemon] Haa-haaaaa! [begins to look
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disgusted] Haaaahahahaa! [gives up] Oh bother! I suppose I must
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get back to being evil now... What is it!
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second daemon: Lord High Satan! Ao Li-Fo enters the first gate!
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-----
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Act One, scene two
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enter Ao Li-Fo, dog.
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Li-Fo: Hey, spuds.. what's that noise?
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Spuds: Arf!
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Li-fo: Shhh! I think I here some snorting!
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enter orc;
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orc: Hey you stupid fucking bastard! I want your fucking dog for supper!
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Li-Fo: Hey! You can't talk to my dog like that!
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Spuds: Awoooo!
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Li-Fo: Get 'em, spuds!
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[Spuds leaps thirty feet and sinks teeth deep into orc's neck. Orc dies.]
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Li-Fo: Clean kill, spuds. Spuds? Oh, spuds! Thou hast died from a rotted orc
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corpse! What now, shall I do in times of trouble? How may I go forth
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alone and kill the monsters and the dungeon denizens save tame and
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peaceful creatures, for though I am neutral I feel a tinge of lawful
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stirring within me! Cao! Cao4 ni3de ma! [cries at the foot of spuds].
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Enter Satan;
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Satan: I killed your dog, you stupid fool!
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Li-Fo: [looking up] Oh no, it's satan!
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Satan: Yes, that's right, it's me, i'm the prince of darkness! Hahahaha!
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Haaahaha! Hahahaaaaaahahaha--oof!
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[Li-Fo punches Satan in the stomach and runs through a door to the east.]
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Li-Fo: Damn, that was close! I've got to find some stairs down before the
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prince of darkness catches me! [jams a spike into the door behind him]
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Ahh! I must run faster. Finally, stairs! [Li-Fo escapes downstairs.]
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-----
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ACT TWO: AO LI-FO DISCOVERS FORT LUDIOS
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Act Two, Scene One;
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Enter Ao Li-Fo, gelatinous cube.
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Cube: Gurrgle snort bork snort!
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Li-Fo: Oh my! It's a giant cube of quivering gelatin!
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Cube: [moving towards the sound of Li-Fo] Snarrrrcckkkoink! Snort borglesnort!
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Li-Fo: Ahhhhh!
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Cube: Gooorglesnorgsnort!
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Li-Fo: Hiiiiii yaaaaaaaaaa! [cleaves cube in two] Oh no, what terrible trick
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of the three sisters be this! In impudent haste have I doubled the deep
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dungeon's danger? These carniverous cubes of giant jelly which snortle
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snorgle banal before me are too much to bear, and my Shen Jian seems
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suddenly a copper tinted steel now, is it rusted? Ahh, but no, even
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though it may turn time tamed trust and rust red, it shall unfailingly
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unrust, for it also graciously grants gifts of intrinsic regeneration!
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Yes, rapid regeneration and resistance to Gelatinous cubes! Yes, rapid
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regeneration, resistance to gelatinous cubes, and hunger aversion-
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Narrator: Don't push it. You have increased healing, count your lucky stars.
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Li-Fo: Who said that? [silence]
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Cube 1: Snoooort!
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[exit Cube 2]
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Li-Fo: Oh my god, it's digesting my foot! [struggles to remove foot from cube]
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Hi-yahh! Hiiii ya! Chop! Slice! [cuts loose from cube] Yuch! eesh!
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[wipes foot on door to get rid of slime] I'm getting out of here!
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[Li-Fo jumps to the side to escape cube and hits a teleportation trap]
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Ahh! What strange and magical place is this! So many golden coins!
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There is a fortune here, but wait, am I trapped inside of this small
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20 by 20 room with an 8 foot high ceiling and stone walls, ceiling and
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floor that seem to be cut from the inside of a single stone? How was
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this place created? What will become of me and my magical coins? Oh
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wait, there seems to be something strange about that pile of coins over
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there... [moves to pile] I wonder wha--[hits a level teleporter]
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My word! [Li-Fo gazes upon fort Ludios] It certainly looks imposing!
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I wonder what it is? I shall climb down this wall and investigate, and
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oh, is that a fountain I spy?
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-----
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ACT THREE: AO LI-FO DECENDS INTO GEHENNOM
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Act Three, Scene One;
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Enter Satan and three daemons;
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daemon 1: Master, you sure showed him!
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daemon 2: Yeah, Heheheh
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Satan: Shut up.
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daemon 3: Hehehehh.
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daemon 2: Heheh hahaha
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daemon 3: haaahahahahaa!
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Satan: [fries daemon 3 with a bolt of fire] I said shut up! Oh, the pressures
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and perils of being an entity, bear down upon my dark heart! I lust for
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the days of my youth, yes, my youth, when I was a young lad, burning
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up the dance floor, and the dancers.. Inciting riots, and causing
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ruckussesses..
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daemon 2: Rucki, sir.
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Satan: Fuuuck yoouu! [fries daemon two with a bolt of lightning] Fuuuuuckk
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yoou aaass hooooollleee! [daemon 2 is burned to a crisp]. Don't ever
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correct me! I am god, I win, and if I say ruckussess, I mean ruckusses!
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daemon: Sir, did you feel that?
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Satan: Feel what?
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daemon: There was a tremble in the ground...
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Satan: Oh no! That must mean he's found the fountain!
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daemon: Oh no sir, not the fountain!
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Satan: Yes, the fountain you fool!
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daemon: yes master, yes, yes, the fountain! call me a fool again!
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Satan: You fool, you crazy fool you!
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daemon: thank you sir!
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Satan: You're welcome.. Oh.. wait, did you feel that?
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daemon: Feel what, sir?
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Satan: I felt the ground tremble.
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daemon: What do you suppose it was, sir?
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Satan: I'm not sure, uhmm.. Weren't we just talking about this?
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daemon: I don't think so. Well, I don't remember.
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Satan: Damn. Damn my forgetful memory, damn it all to hell!
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daemon: Permission to speak frankly sir.
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Satan: Permission granted.
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daemon: Can we have homosexual sex?
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Satan: Sure. Let's have homosexual sex right now. [with an expression of
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intense concentration, trying to remember what the tremble in the
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ground ment, Satan drops his pants and begins to slowly ass-fuck the
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daemon] Now what was that tremble supposed to mean... Ohh.. Yum.. Let
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me seeaaahh!! Oh yes, ahh, YES!!! Now I remember! No! No!
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Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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-----
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Act Three, Scene Two;
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Enter Ao Li-Fo, Satan, and daemon.
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Li-Fo: I have found the fountain that sprang forth from the river Styxx!
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Satan: Fucking shit! Can't you see I am in the middle of some high quality
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ass sex here?
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Li-Fo: You are evil, that is plain. Now I will destroy thee, with my blessed
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Shen Jian!
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Satan: [withdrawing penis from the daemon's wet ass] You bastard, fight me
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like a real man, hand to hand!
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Li-Fo: [Dropping his sword, and putting up his dukes] Where I come from, we
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talk with these!! [making hands talk] Hey, can't we talk this over?
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Satan: You are such a god damn fuc--
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Li-Fo: ha! [Li-Fo reacts too quickly to be seen]
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Satan: Gasp! I never expected a blow from... the left side..... [dies]
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Li-Fo: That was close.
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daemon: Wail! Thou hast kilt my master, satan. This wasn't supposed to happen!
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Li-Fo: I am a powerful martial artist. I know Chinese Kung Fu!
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daemon: I'm telling on you! [exits]
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Li-Fo: What a dork. God i'm hungry. [eats corpse of Satan]
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enter God;
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God: Li-Fo! What the jesus christ fuck have you done! Oh shit, I swore!
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[God dissapears in a puff of logic]
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enter God;
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God: haha, you can't kill me with such a silly trick!
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Narrator: Oh shit. Not again
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God: Nyah nyah!
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Li-Fo: What the...
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[God exits]
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enter God.
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God: hey! You can't get rid of me so easil--
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[God exits]
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enter God.
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[God exits]
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enter God.
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[God exits]
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enter God.
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God: Fuck you!
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[God dissapears in a puff of logic].
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Li-Fo: This place is strange! I think that satan corpse must have been
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hallucinogenic!
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enter God;
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Li-Fo: What is it this time?
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Narrator: Don't pay any attention to him!
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Li-Fo: Who said that?
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God: I'm taking over here now! Hahahaha! Haaaahahahaha! HAHAHahaHAHHaahah!
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Li-Fo: I'm getting out of here! [runs away]
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God: You can't get away from me!
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Li-Fo: Oh no, i'm being chased by God! [hides around the corner]
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[God comes running around the corner and gets tripped by Li-Fo's foot]
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God: Oof!
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Li-Fo: Heheh, bet you didn't expect that! Now take this! [Li-Fo draws a frying
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pan and hits god over the head. Pan bends over God's head like a cowl
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and a profile of God's head can be seen set in metal. Pan vibrates.]
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[Li-Fo plants a hanging fist on god's exposed back! God reels!]
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[God gets up and throws a punch at Li Fo!]
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[Li-Fo outwardly blocks God and lets loose the tiger at God's throat!]
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[God grabs Li-Fo's wrist!]
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[Li-Fo places his hand at the base of his wrist and withdraws!]
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[God tries to punch Li-Fo!]
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[Li-Fo graps god's wrist and applies Basket fist to break God's right arm!]
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[God staggers back, and tries another left handed punch!]
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[Li-Fo subdues the dragon, dislocating God's right elbow!]
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[God screams in pain!]
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[God dissapears!]
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[Li-Fo stops hallucinating!]
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Li-Fo: Jeez. It was that stupid daemon! [eats daemon corpse] Nope, I don't
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think I am hallucinating anymore [looks at doors, walls, objects on
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floor] Nope. Now, time to get out of here! [reads a scroll of exit
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Ghehennom]
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-----
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ACT FOUR: AO LI-FO ESCAPES THE DUNGEONS OF DOOM
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Act Four, Scene One;
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Enter Ao Li-Fo.
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Li-Fo; Yes.
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You went to your reward with 3 points.
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Li-Fo: Three points? But I killed satan!
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You were supposed to let God do that.
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Li-Fo: But wouldn't he thank me?
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God, thank you? What for?
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Li-Fo: For killing satan!
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Oh my, someone killed satan?
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Li-Fo: Yes, I killed him. Stop being stupid!
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I'm not, you are. And that tie stinks.
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Li-Fo: What?
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I said that tie stinks. It doesen't go with your faded pall, they don't match.
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Li-Fo: But i'm not wearing a tie!
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You're not wearing a faded pall either! Ha! Hoist by his own petard!
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Li-Fo: But I am wearing a faded pall, they are known as elven cloaks.
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Oh, I forgot about that. Ok, 5 points.
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Li-Fo: 14
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14, are you crazy? People like you usually get only 3, and I am giving you 5!
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Li-Fo: Ok... 11 points.. Come on, I have to make the top 5!
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11? Jesus, you are insane. Look. I can give you 7. I don't have any more than
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that.
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Li-Fo: 9 points!
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Ok look. I'll give you 8, but I am going to get in trouble for this!!
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Li-Fo: ok, 8 points it is! Haha, sucker!
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Game Over
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Hahaha! That fool! He could have had 22 million Now I can keep all these
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points for myself! Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!!
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The End.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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* (c) HoE publications & metalchick. HoE #107 - written by food - 6/11/97 *
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