200 lines
7.6 KiB
Plaintext
200 lines
7.6 KiB
Plaintext
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| * * * * * * * * * * * * * 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 |
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| * * * * * n # # 9 9 6 |
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| * * * * * t # # 9 9 6 |
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| * * * * * r # # # # # # # # 9 9 6 |
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| ***** * * * * * * # # 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 |
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| * o * * f * * o # # # # # # # # 9 6 6 |
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| * g * * * * p # # 9 6 6 |
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| * s * * * * y # # 9 9 6 6 |
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| * * * * * * * * * * * * * 9 9 9 9 6 6 6 6 |
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| --- |
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| one day, metalchic approached me and asked me to write for h0e. she |
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| wasn't naked. neither was i. it was after i ate a cheesesteak. i was on |
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| on drugs. neither was i. we were holding balloons. nobody cared. i won |
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| a brownie. she didn't either. so did we. she was on drugs. we ran out |
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| of film. we had no proof. here's my proof. neither was she. |
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_midnight munchies, valium, take a shower you dirty fuck_
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by styx
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* mrs. o'leary's bathroom - 06/02/96 - 9:27 a.m. *
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every room in the house was boring except for the bathroom because
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everything talked when nobody was home. one day someone took a shit and the
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fumes killed off everything except for the bathtub patrons, because bathtub
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patrons are more resistant to fumes than any other bathroom patrons. as time
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passed, the fume-event grew more and more legendary until the soap saw to it
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that an appropriate title for a legendary story be given to this legendary
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story. when nobody was in the house, soap called a council meeting of the
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bathtub patrons. soap named the council meeting "a council meeting to decide
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upon and announce an official legendary title for our legendary story about
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the fume-event."
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the bathtub patrons gathered in the bathtub.
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"i have gathered everyone here this sunny afternoon to decide upon and
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announce an official legendary name for our legendary story about the
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fume-event. any ideas?"
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backscrub spoke up. "how about 'the big, smelly shit?'"
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"no," said soap.
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soap was the sort of bathtub patron that agreed to his own superiority
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and, therefore, was superior. nobody bothered soap because soap said that
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soap was always right.
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razor spoke up. "how about 'the big, smelly shit?'"
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"splendid!" exclaimed soap. backscrub frowned. razor tittled in glee.
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soap didn't care. the other bathtub patrons returned to their former posts,
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content in their indifference, save one; the washcloth.
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---
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* mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 2:11 p.m. *
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"stop dripping on me you stupid motherfucker!"
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washcloth was dangling from the showerhead, drip-drip-dripping all over
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soap. mrs. o'leary had just taken a shower.
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"no."
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drip.. drip.. dripdrip.. drip-p.. drip..
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"i'm MELTING, washcloth!"
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"yep."
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"stop it!"
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"no," said washcloth. "i won't stop until you rename the fume-event
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'the big, smelly shit.'"
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"but razor already named it 'the big, smelly shit!'"
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drip.. drip.. dripdrip.. drip-p.. drip..
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"okay!" shouted soap in desparation. "everyone, i call a council!"
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the bathtub patrons gathered in the bathtub.
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soap, soggy and weak, stood up and spoke. "henceforth, the fume-event
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shall be referred to as 'the big, smelly shit,' as suggested to us by our
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patron, washcloth."
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"but i suggested it first!" retorted razor.
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"actually, i did," noted backscrub.
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everyone gathered around backscrub and beat the shit out of him. when
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he lie motionless, razor sliced all of his thistles off. then razor turned
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to washcloth.
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"you have reduced our fearless bathtub president, soap, to a sloppy wad,
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and it's all because of your greed. what have you to say?"
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"well, you just sliced backscrub's thistles off and i think he's dead.
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was that not a direct result of your greed?"
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"you took part in the action, too."
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washcloth frowned. "but backscrub was a half-assed post-christmas
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defective blue light special, and he always sang rush songs in the middle of
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the night."
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"oh, yeah."
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the bathtub patrons returned to their posts.
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---
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* mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 8:12 p.m. *
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"we're missing america's funniest home videos!" shouted razor.
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"fuck!" cried the bathtub patrons in unison.
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---
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* mrs. o'leary's bathtub - 06/02/96 - 9:58 p.m. *
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mrs. o'leary gets her period. toothbrush finds his way to the bathtub.
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nobody is happy. they fuck him up and push him down the drain. mrs. o'leary
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accidentally sees. mrs. o'leary gets scared because everything in her
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bathtub was talking and they fucked up her backscrub and toothbrush. mrs.
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o'leary shoves a q-tip through her eardrum, has violent muscle spasms, and
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drops dead. soap gets raped by the shaving cream. soap gets pregnant.
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nobody understands how. then everyone else dies. then some christian bitch
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with 7 kids and a minivan buys the house with her husband's child support
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money. she can't get a date so she kills herself. the children, starving to
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death and desparate, eat each other. the only one that survives, with no
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arms, takes a shit one day and his sister's bones tear up his rectal cavity.
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then he shits out eighteen pints of blood and dies on the toilet just like
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elvis. everybody is happy. then a meteor hits the house and everyone dies
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again. the police come because nobody gets mrs. o'leary's mail anymore and
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there is a meteor in her house. they look in the mailbox and shampoo shoots
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out a wad of jizz into officer waxbrain's eye. officer waxbrain's partner,
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officer thimbledick, reacts instinctively and shoots his partner dead. then
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shampoo jizzes into officer thimbledick's eye. he calls for reinforcements.
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the cycle continues until shampoo kills off the entire town's police force.
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then shampoo kills himself. everybody is happy.
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---
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* mrs. o'leary's remains - 06/09/96 - 6:53 a.m. *
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maggot, waking from his slumber, poked his head out of mrs. o'leary's
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dry, crusty vagina.
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"worm? worm, are you out there?"
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worm poked his head out of mrs. o'leary's dry, crusty asshole.
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"yes, i am here, maggot."
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maggot feigned surprise. "good to see you!"
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"fuck you," spat the worm. "you just want to eat me."
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"so?"
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"well, yeah."
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"are you going to let me eat you?"
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"sure! happy birthday!"
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"it isn't my birthday," explained maggot. "i just like wearing the
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clothes."
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"oh."
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"yeah, so let's get on with it."
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"okay."
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they both took a shit on mrs. o'leary's shriveled clit and then maggot
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ate them both.
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everyone was happy.
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__________________________________________________________________________
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/ \
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( (c) h0e publications - metalchic & styx - h0e #96 - 12/15/96 - bah humbug. )
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\__________________________________________________________________________/
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