117 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
117 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
______ ______ ______________
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\ / \ / ____ \ ______|
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| |________| | / \ | |____
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| ________ | ( {} ) | _____)
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/~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | \____/ | |______ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
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| |~~~~~~~ / \ / \ / | ~~~~~~~~~| |
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| | |______| |______| /_____________| | |
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| | ...Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "Home and Garden" | |
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| | By: M0rpheus | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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[ Presenting the first installment of the "It's a lonely war." series. ]
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The sun rises on the quiet town of Hickory Hill, Virginia, as Richard
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Skirpasian starts another day by waking up, getting out of bed, doing fifty
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wheelbarrow-style pushups, and brushing his teeth with his official Gomer Pile
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toothbrush. An activity which often jogs up old episodes in Rich's mind.
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Rich, you see, has been doing things this way for a long time. He
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grew up in this town, in these rowhomes and alleyways. "If me were mice then
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mice would drive cars." that's his motto.
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But if there's one thing this man hates, if there's one thing that
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riles up the deamons in this man's mind, if there's one thing that turns this
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man into a psycho-killing machine, much like a twisted vegomatic or a deranged
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juice-machine, it's backyard decks on rowhomes.
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The very next day, at this same exact moment, only a day later, he
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noticed that some sick, demented fool was attempting to erect a deck right
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down the street from him. Hasn't the message gotten through to these people?!
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Haven't the countless deck-related deaths made any impact on their thick
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skulls?! It was now painfully obvious that Rich would have to once again take
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matters into his own hands.
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Rich left his house through the backdoor and walked over to the site.
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Nobody was there at the moment.
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See rich as he walks around to the front of the house. go, rich, go.
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After knocking on the door he noticed it was unlocked. He drew his gun close
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to his face and kicked the door in. He was greeted by a firebomb in the air
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headed right at him. He opened fire, causing the bottle to explode in the air
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sending flaming shards of oily glass and napalm right back at the sender but
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already the firebomb-guy's body was riddled with bullets.
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That didn't deter Richard one bit, he continued to fire his weapon
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until he finished off his biggie bullet clip, broke it out and strapped it to his
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back. He searched the rest of the house, encountering many gooks, potheads,
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hippie-space-junkies, ansi-monkey-scuz-cases, and scum dizzlers, all of which
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he pummeled to death with his testicles.
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These were powerful vegetarian testicles.
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When he finished the body count, there were 19 dead. 3 drug dealers,
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9 addicts, 12 pornographers, 3 old ladies, 23 pregnant women, one collie dog
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much like lassie, and eight girl scout troops.
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As he left out the front door he mumbled "cool." and then "when will
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they learn that decks are a menace to society?" On his way home he thought of
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an old gomer pile episode and laughed and laughed and wet his pants.
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Upon arrival at his home, he relaxed with some Fosters and Pornography.
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Suddenly he lapsed into a suicidal rage! "I gonna die!" he shouted as he put
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the gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but the bullet hit him before he
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could finish the phrase "I gonna die my hair pink!"
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Only minutes later, the next day, he woke up in a puddle of blood,
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his testicles were sitting next to him on the sofa. "You've got a lot of
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explaining to do!" They said, "Sure, you think we're just yer crime fightin'
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doodads, but we care, about warez, but about _you_ too rick."
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Well lucky for rick the bullet passed directly through his head doing
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virtually no damage to the goo inside, and managed to fly through the ground
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across town and _kill john f kennedy_! That's one picky bullet!
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And from this medly of short, stupid paragraphs, we gleen a queer
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peek at the world of America's lonely Warriors, and we also see the err in
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backyard decks.
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For a grande burrito finale rick took his highschool marching band
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saxophone outside and used it in a skillful manner to bludgeon an old lady
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walking home from a poodle-party.
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"Die you slimy slime-slime ball! Die you sticky icky snicket! Perish
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you who defile the earth with dingdongs... dingdongs? What are _they_? Candy
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doodangs? I sure hope not!" and with that they had a good laugh, the kind
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you can only find at the end of a h0e text file.
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"What's really amazing, you see, is this file will never end, since
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the only way to totally understand the hidden meaning and the subtle jokes
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is to READ IT AGAIN! from the BEGINNING! hahaha" and with that he beat her to
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death with his testicles, much like a robberbaron does (or should do) with
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what would _appear_ to be a blackjack. hahaha... but we gn0 what they REALLY
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are don't we! :>
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I think it would be tacky, when the royal nanny is ready a story book
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to the little prince edward, or what have you, and then she/he would say
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`now here's the part that makes you fart!' and then I think it would be even
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more tacky if she/he farted, and I think it would be very tacky if they went
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on to laugh about it.
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And the little red lamb said "kill me, kill me please" the end.
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---------------------------------[the end]------------------------------------
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The moral to this story is "Kill them all; they will never learn."
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Is dis dah house of mrs. mouse?
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yes.
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Warez dat biznatch now?
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dead. i killed her with my furry little hands.
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murderer!
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Copyright (c) 1995 HoE Publications and M0rpheus. #76 --> 5/1/95
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All rights Reserved.
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