119 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
119 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
______ ______ ______________
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\ / \ / ____ \ ______|
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| |________| | / \ | |____
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| ________ | ( {} ) | _____)
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/~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | \____/ | |______ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
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| |~~~~~~~ / \ / \ / | ~~~~~~~~~| |
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| | |______| |______| /_____________| | |
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| | ...Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "Biff Redneck Goes to the Big City" | |
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| | By: Sed | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Biff Redneck was your ordinary 15 year old in your ordinary small town.
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The type of town where necks come in three varieties. Tanned, burnt, and
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bloody. Mom and dad were both 400 lbs., there was a shrine to Jesus on one
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side of the living room and a shrine to Bill Clinton on the other. Now Biff,
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until the age of 13 or so was a good little inbred, he beat up the 'faggots,
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kikes n niggers' like the other good ol' boys, gang-raped little boys and
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girls (they were getting liberal just like dat big city) and all the other
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creative, deeply profound fun you would expect in a town with a combined IQ
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of 300. But now, strange things happened to Biff. He suddenly lost that
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strange rash on his neck all other people in his state had. He lost interest
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in his rapidly expanding collection of stripped cars on concrete blocks in
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the frontyard. Dad was awfully disappointed that Biff wanted to go to
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college, marry someone not related to him and worst of all, NOT live in a
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trailer home! Dad kicked him out of the house. "Don't you ever peddle dem
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darn freaky ideas in mah house! YOU THINK YOUR A FUCKING YANKEE? Back in mah
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day we woulda beat ya good like we did to dem war protesters way back den!"
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So Biff hung outside a barn and slept overnight.
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When he woke up, something was different. His hair was suddenly spiked,
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and suddenly stigmata in the shape of a Circle A appeared on his hands and
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feet. It was a baptism of blood. HE WAS A PUNK WITH A GUN NOW! Sing along:
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Biff is a punk rocker, Biff is a punk rocker, Biff is a punk rocker nooooow".
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So anyhow, he was pretty fucking pissed. Dad was a dick to him! How dare
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he kick him out of his trailer house chalet! But all dad was trying to do was
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knock some good ol' confederate sense into the boy! So anyhow, Biff had a
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shotgun on him. Not just any shotgun, but a big bad mega-special shotgun that
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talks. Miguel the talking shotgun. A gun with a bad attitude. And a bilingual
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one. So Miguel went "Senor Biff, how about we shot el hefe good?". So Biff
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agreed. It was a good idea. They went out to the trailer home and walked in.
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(Mom and Dad were too poor for them newfangled doors). Walked into the
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bedroom. The approach reeked of blood. Every nick in the wall seemed to be
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looking at the angry pair. Even the air seemed to be thick with the fog of
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murder (Smells like A Clockwork Orange). So suddenly, the team stepped in.
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CLICK-POP-ARGGK-GRRRK the gun went. Red human meat filled the whole room.
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Biff was a bit hungry, but even he had better taste then to eat meat that was
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all fat with no muscle or meat whatsoever.. So he did what every good young
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murderer did. He ran to the city.
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So anyhow, it was the morning and Miguel was rather bored. After all,
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what does a shotgun have to do in the city? All the other guns were laughing
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at him! It sucked. Biff felt like breaking something. He saw a church across
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the street. "St. Hypocrisy Catholic Church," he read. He walked in. He
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smashed those fucking pews good. Peed on the pews. Pounded the pulpit into
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sawdust. Smashed up the crucifixes. Spit on their holy book. It felt good.
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For Biff was a revolutionary! A soldier in the fight against the two crimes
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from which all crimes spring: unoriginality and stupidity.
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Suddenly, Biff needed to eat. He was very fucking hungry. Then he
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realized he forgot to liberate some money from his parental oppressors. So he
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sold Miguel into captive slavery to a dominatrix. He enjoyed it, especially
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when he was spanked. Spanked by barnyard animals. Whipped by gerbils,
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crucified by the woman. He wanted to but no, he was FUCKING HUNGRY. Everyone
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was happy. Miguel got the bizarre S&M thing all shotguns lust for, Biff got
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50 very good dollars. So he went to eat at a McDiharhhea (all similarities to
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existing companies are unintentional). He ordered a Egg McMaggot. It was a
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unedible piece of crap, with a rather scary similarity to turds. He ate it.
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He barfed. He got kicked out of there. He barfed again. A kid laughed at him.
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He barfed on the kid. He felt better.
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Out of nowhere, the big bad rock star came walking down the street, with
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a posse of extremely-ugly teenage girls following him. He started singing
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"I wanna fuck you like a gerbil, you bring me closer to barf". The girls all
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followed him. He was tackled to the ground and slowly dismembered by
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teeny-boppers who make Janet Reno look like Tori Amos. Biff knew he would be
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next unless he ran. So ran he did.
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It was night. Biff was rather scared, as he had just seen for the first
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time why city rhymes with shitty. A whole day of cake, cookies and muggings.
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Show and tell and syringes. His formerly-punked look gave way to that of
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general dismay, stubble and grungy hair, full of nihilism. Biff uttered "boy
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this sucks", and he was suddenly run over by a tractor-trailer.
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[The End? Ha, I Thought You Knew Better!]
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Most of these deaths are stupid. However this one was a joke on a cosmic
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scale. The truck originated from a ordinary small town. The type of town
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where necks come in 3 varieties: Tanned, burnt and bloody. In fact, the very
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same town Biff fled from. The driver was rather familiar to Biff. It was
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Bubba Redneck. His brother. And uncle. And dad. The person who taught him how
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to drink a beer, how to beat up foreigners, about the joys of fucking
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cousins. And all Bubba could say was "boy dis dem dar sucks". And then he
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drove on, familial roadkill attached to the tire.
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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| _____ Call Goat Blowers Anonymous for the LATEST HOE! _____ |
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| 6/ ^..^ (215) 750 - 0392 ^..^ \9 |
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| \_____(oo) This Issues Featured Support Board is: (oo)_____/ |
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| WW WW The Pentoranama! WW WW |
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| ...the kings of modern goofiness... |
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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Copyright (c) 1995 HoE Publications and Sed. #71 --> 5/1/95
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All rights Reserved.
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