273 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
273 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
______ ______ ______________
|
|
| | | | \ |
|
|
\ / \ / ____ \ ______|
|
|
| |________| | / \ | |____
|
|
| ________ | ( {} ) | _____)
|
|
/~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | \____/ | |______ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
|
|
| |~~~~~~~ / \ / \ / | ~~~~~~~~~| |
|
|
| | |______| |______| /_____________| | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | ...Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | "Take a Wiz, Make me Jiz." | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | By: Mogel | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
The lock on the bathroom stall wouldn't open.
|
|
|
|
"What the heck is going on here?" Ralph said to himself. Out loud. "I
|
|
hate when I talk to myself." he said out loud again attempting to recover a
|
|
shred of any self-imagined lost dignity. The was no one in the bathroom to
|
|
hear him, he was alone and insecure.
|
|
|
|
He tried the lock again. No luck. "Crapola." he mumbled. Ralph was a
|
|
nervous and insecure guy to begin with, this made him feel really bad. "THIS
|
|
FRIGGIN' DOOR." thought Ralph. "Argh." He twisted his hands around the
|
|
small mechanical lock and started pulling with all his might. He grew an
|
|
a stressed expression on his face which could be compared to the look of
|
|
labor pains. No luck. He began moving the door into different positions and
|
|
pushing the lock. No luck. He tried wiggling and jiggling the lock like a
|
|
hyper-spaz. No luck. He began kicking the lock. No luck.
|
|
|
|
"CRAP-O-LA!" he mumbled to himself again, but louder. "At least no ones
|
|
here and I don't look stupid." he thought to himself. He figured the lock
|
|
just broke. It could happen. It simply appeared like he'd have to do the
|
|
untraditional scoot-under-door maneuver to get out. No big deal. He'd just
|
|
kneel down and bring his head under the door and slide himself out. No
|
|
problem.
|
|
|
|
"I'm going to get my nice business suit all wrinkly. Ickie." He got down
|
|
on the floor and prepared for his first feat-of-contortionism, something
|
|
possibly undertaken by any person of his office building. He would become
|
|
the only real flexible accountant. Pun intended. Once he dropped to the
|
|
floor he noticed that his pant leg was all wet. Something on the floor had
|
|
rubbed off onto him, needless to say Ralph didn't give much consideration to
|
|
what it was on his pant leg now. "Dammit. That's the LAST time I use THIS
|
|
bathroom!" he thought to himself very awkwardly.
|
|
|
|
Just as Ralph dipped his head down to bring it under the door, he heard
|
|
someone open the bathroom door. "CRAPOLA!" he thought and alertly jumped
|
|
back onto the toilet bowl. Did they see him? No. Ralph was worried the
|
|
person would see his feet in the stall, but see the pants not down to his
|
|
shoes and off. EVERYONE EXPECTS THEIR PANTS TO BE OFF, RIGHT?! In a blink,
|
|
his pants were down. And he anxiously waited for whoever had just walked in
|
|
to go.
|
|
|
|
Those few seconds as the Bathroom door opened and someone walked in seemed
|
|
like minutes. "I HAVE WORK TO DO. THIS IS NO PLACE FOR ME HERE." thought
|
|
Ralph. Ralph began sweating heavily. The wetness on his leg began really
|
|
bothering him. Fortunately, Ralph had a extra pair of pants that he kept in
|
|
his office just in case. He never thought he'd use them, but they were
|
|
there.
|
|
|
|
The person stepped into the Stall next to him and went. All the while,
|
|
Ralph was nervously sitting there like an idiot, with his pants down,
|
|
watching Mr. Whoever's feet. "uNnnHg." said the mysterious person as they
|
|
did their duty. "Sheesh, they're loud." thought Ralph. The person got up
|
|
and he Ralph could hear the toilet paper rubbing against the mystery-man's
|
|
Butt. The man got out, didn't wash his hands, and left.
|
|
|
|
This was Ralph's change! He pulled up his pants and got back down on the
|
|
floor only to feel a wet spot again. "CRAPOLA." Ralph had forgotten about
|
|
that puddle of urine and got even more of his pants wet. "ARGH!" Ralph put
|
|
his head down and saw the beautiful off-white tiles of the way. So pretty.
|
|
Oh so pretty. "GET ME OUT OF THIS STALL!" thought Ralph nervously as he
|
|
began to push out. He got his half of his body slid out when he heard the
|
|
bathroom door open again. "NO! NO! I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, GODDAMNIT!"
|
|
thought Ralph as he pulled his body back into the Stall in fright.
|
|
|
|
WHO COULD IT BE?! WHAT IF IT WAS THE WOMAN WITH THE LARGE BREASTS THAT HE
|
|
WANTED TO ASK OUT OR WHAT IF IT WAS HIS BOSS, WOULDN'T THEY THINK OF HIM AS
|
|
OH-SO STUPID!? The anxiety pulled on Ralph's emotions 'cause he knew he was
|
|
a wimp, but that's the only way he knew.
|
|
|
|
Two people walked into the bathroom. Guys. They had loud obnoxious
|
|
voices. They were friends. Friends, here? Ralph had working in the office
|
|
for years, and had made no ties with anyone as a "Friend." He simply assumed
|
|
that you couldn't make friends at the job. He was in denial that people he
|
|
worked with might have real lives.
|
|
|
|
"Ow! Dammit, this sink doesn't have _cold_ water!"
|
|
|
|
"Huh?"
|
|
|
|
"This sink. When I turned it on it was hot, and the cold nob doesn't make
|
|
it any colder! What the heck?! I don't see how that is possible. Isn't it
|
|
the norm to have cold water? I could see the COLD water failing, but the HOT
|
|
SHOULD WORK."
|
|
|
|
"Yeah, I guess. That's weird." Ralph snickered to himself. He would
|
|
have spoken up and told the men that the water systems in the building are
|
|
being fixed today and everything is all screwed up, but that would be too
|
|
weird. I mean, he'd become the know-it-all freak in the bathroom. Plus, he
|
|
didn't know these guys. He decided to keep his mouth shut. After few
|
|
seconds Ralph heard the man moving to another sink.
|
|
|
|
"Hey! This sink doesn't have any *HOT* water! What is this the bathroom
|
|
from HELL!?"
|
|
|
|
"You complain there's no cold, and then when you GET cold, you complain
|
|
about THAT. What's wrong with you?"
|
|
|
|
"Huh? What are you some kinda 'tard? Don't you know use warm water to
|
|
wash your hands? That needs hot AND cold!"
|
|
|
|
"Uhm.. no. Actually, I just use the cold."
|
|
|
|
"The cold!? Doesn't that bother you? I mean, it's usually FREEZING when
|
|
it's cold. Do you like to be cold or somethin'? That's not normal!"
|
|
|
|
"Look, what the hell are you rambling on about the cold water for? I just
|
|
use cold 'cause I think it's fine. I like it. Is that okay with you,
|
|
MR. WATER EDITORIALIST!?"
|
|
|
|
"Huh? Look, you brought it up with your callin' me a retard. It's not my
|
|
fault you're all screwed up with the water temperature."
|
|
|
|
"SHUT UP ALREADY ABOUT THE WATER!"
|
|
|
|
"Heh. Man, you are too edgy. You really should take things easier."
|
|
|
|
"You are SO ANNOYING. You ask to many stupid questions and then when
|
|
someone gets annoyed you always act like Mr. Cool Guy and play like you're
|
|
the normal guy and their a freak!"
|
|
|
|
"It's not an act. I *AM* Mr. Cool Guy, stupid. Heh."
|
|
|
|
"And that's the other thing you do. Whenever someone points out a really
|
|
good point about your personality or anything with any MEANING you always
|
|
have to 'add' your worthless stamp of stupidity on there with those stupid
|
|
wise-cracks that _no one_ ever laughs at. Even your wife thinks your a
|
|
'tard!"
|
|
|
|
"When Helen loses about 200 pounds, then she can start forming opinions
|
|
about ME. Look, shut up already. Stop acting like Mr. Teen-stud Rebel 'HEY
|
|
LOOK I'M SINGLE! GIRLS LINE UP TO HUMPTY-MAMMA-JAMMA WITH ME!' 'cause you
|
|
know that's YOUR act. You get this little whiney voice and you ramble on
|
|
about things you hate. If anyone here is a real retard it's YOU. You hate
|
|
_everything_. I have never seen you once in my life encounter a problem
|
|
where you didn't pussy-out and complain until our ears blead about it."
|
|
|
|
"Are you saying I don't ever accomplish anything?!"
|
|
|
|
"We're accountants, Bill. We DON'T progress anything anywhere. We punch
|
|
numbers on a 'puter all day long, year after year. It's a painfully
|
|
redundant cycle. What you don't do, is ever just DEAL with something bad
|
|
that happens to you. You don't grin and bear it, even when it's the RIGHT
|
|
thing to do."
|
|
|
|
"Heh, do I smell Mid-life crisis?"
|
|
|
|
"No. Yes. I dunno. I'm tired of this shit. I'm really tired of it."
|
|
|
|
"Have you thought about a new and exciting career in Truck Driving?"
|
|
Ralph heard a large whack.
|
|
|
|
"OW!@! Why'd you do that?!"
|
|
|
|
"I don't think it's funny."
|
|
|
|
"It wasn't bad enough of a joke to merit a _PUNCH_! You could have messed
|
|
my hair up or made me fall on this pissy-assed floor!"
|
|
|
|
"It wasn't for that. It was for all the fucking bad jokes of yours I've
|
|
had to listen to for the last TWO FUCKING YEARS."
|
|
|
|
"Uh.. Okay."
|
|
|
|
"Look, I'm sorry. I've been under a lot of shit lately. Let's go eat
|
|
lunch and we'll talk about this crap..." They seemed to unspeakably agree.
|
|
They left in a few seconds.
|
|
|
|
"They came in just to use the sink?" wondered Ralph, who had lost some of
|
|
his anxiety from listening to the two men's silly arguments. "Such
|
|
simple-minded people..." thought Ralph, "...they just don't how to
|
|
communicate." The ironies were many, as Ralph kneeled down again to get out
|
|
of his still ever-present predicament. He remembered the Piss Puddle. That
|
|
was a sign of good luck. He decided to dive for the door and not waste any
|
|
time going slow. As fate would have it, however, in a matter of instants
|
|
someone else walked into the door and inn mere seconds Ralph was back on the
|
|
toilet in Pantless position.
|
|
|
|
As the day went on and minute after minute ticked away, many, many people
|
|
people went into the bathroom and before Ralph knew it two hours had gone by.
|
|
This little 'wiz' he took turned out to be something shitty. He was ready to
|
|
burst with angry and hysteria.
|
|
|
|
"DAMN THE UNISEX BATHROOMS. I WANT A FUCKING URINAL." someone said as
|
|
they walked in. Ralph would have said something out loud to agree with the
|
|
person, but he was too scared of what they might think. He was terrified of
|
|
being laughed at. THAT person got into the stall and had no problem. THAT
|
|
person didn't get TRAPPED FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS IN THE BATHROOM WITH THEIR
|
|
PANTS DOWN WAITING FOR THE BATHROOM TO FINALLY BECOME EMPTY. Two girls
|
|
walked in.
|
|
|
|
"But, Alison..." said one, "...the charts NEED to be in by FIVE." ALISON!
|
|
This was the woman Ralph fantasized incessantly about. His whole being, his
|
|
whole existence and time working at this place revolved around getting a
|
|
promotion, and getting close to this woman. She had large breast and Ralph
|
|
liked large breasts. It was his 'thing'.
|
|
|
|
Alison had become what was all-too common. She had become his friend.
|
|
Friends? FUCK FRIENDS. He wanted more from her. He wanted her love. Why
|
|
did all the girls in his life end up as his 'friend'? All his relationships
|
|
were crap. He had never in his life slept with someone he 'loved'. He knew
|
|
that he loved Alison. It was only a matter of time before she ditched her
|
|
current rich boyfriend and noticed him. Wait, who was he kidding? She'd
|
|
never love him like that. They'd never be together like that. He wanted to
|
|
be with SOME woman he loved, but he really couldn't imagine anyone else BUT
|
|
her with him. He had truly become obsessed, and Ralph knew that his story
|
|
was just a lame redundant angst rant like a million other men in the world.
|
|
He was not alone in feeling the pain of life and women and relationships.
|
|
He knew that people were disconnected and floating about aimlessly. He knew
|
|
that most girls floated in a sea of denial about what they really wanted from
|
|
a man. He knew guys were all simple-minded creatures. He believed girls to
|
|
be the stupider sex, simply because anyone that would take in a guy as stupid
|
|
as MOST guys were, *had* to have the brain of a rock.
|
|
|
|
"I know the charts need to be in. I'll get 'em in. Don't worry." said
|
|
Alison sweetly as she walked into the stall next to Ralph. Such a sweet
|
|
voice she had. Ralph really tried not to be a flakey poetic 'your-eyes-are-
|
|
-like-rose-buds-art-fag', but he really did only think beautiful, wonderful
|
|
thoughts when he heard her voice. It made him imagine kissing her, hugging
|
|
her, holding her. He imagined that uncountable amount of times. He had
|
|
masturbated to her smile an uncountable amount of times.
|
|
|
|
The obsession was the root of all his problems. He was a nervous,
|
|
angstful spaz BECAUSE he was lame and dreamy-eyed. He knew that it was time
|
|
to get out of la-la-land, but it was not happening. There were two stalls in
|
|
this bathroom, and Alison's friend had taken the one free one next to Ralph.
|
|
|
|
"Hurry, I gotta go!," said Alison to her friend. NO! RALPH COULD HAVE
|
|
HELPED HER AND MADE HER HAPPY IF THE FRIGGIN' LOCK WOULD HAVE OPENED. Ralph
|
|
gripped his fist tightly in anger. He HATED this fuckin' bathroom stall.
|
|
What WAS the point of all this? WHY was Ralph having to experince this? Why
|
|
did he sit there and have to listen to these random conversations and feel
|
|
this stress?
|
|
|
|
Alison's friend was done and Alison went to use the bathroom. Ralph
|
|
wondered what her bosy would look like as she was going to the bathroom.
|
|
Soon, she was done and the two girls conversation about work and projects
|
|
went on for another minute and then they left. Ralph was all alone, and he
|
|
was in still thinking about her voice. He loved her.
|
|
|
|
Minutes later, he had jized all over himself.
|
|
|
|
In the end, Ralph never wound up with Alison. Fortunately, however, Ralph
|
|
did have that extra pair of pants.
|
|
|
|
|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
|
|
| _____ Call Goat Blowers Anonymous for the LATEST HOE! _____ |
|
|
| 6/ ^..^ (215) 750 - 0392 ^..^ \9 |
|
|
| \_____(oo) This Issues Featured Support Board is: (oo)_____/ |
|
|
| WW WW Isis Unveiled [SoB HQ] WW WW |
|
|
| (512) 930 - 5259 |
|
|
| ...the kings of modern goofiness... |
|
|
|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
|
|
Copyright (c) 1994 HoE Publications and Mogel. #64 -> 04/12/95
|
|
All rights Reserved.
|