698 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
698 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
______ ______ ______________
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\ / \ / ____ \ ______|
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| |________| | / \ | |____
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| ________ | ( {} ) | _____)
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/~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | \____/ | |______ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
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| |~~~~~~~ / \ / \ / | ~~~~~~~~~| |
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| | |______| |______| /_____________| | |
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| | Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "Who the Hell Are ya'?" | |
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| | By: The Hoe Shmoes | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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This particular Issue of HOE is disturbing. More than usual. You
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see, I sent out (some more than others) nagging letters to all the HOE
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writers asking them to produce an auto-biography of any size, shape, or
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style. The following is what I got back... raw and unedited (cause I'm lazy,
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not for any actual "mood of the writer effect"...just cause I'm lazy and can
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use this excuse... Oops). Anyhow, this doesn't include every HOE writer and
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this certainly isn't the solid 100% truth from any one of us. It's all Zany
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Hi-Jinx. Watch out!
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Mad Arab ]-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Ack, I'm finally writing this AutoBio for HoE, yeah I know,
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I'm a damn lazy fuck 'eh? Lemme see, I was born and raised on a
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farm, that's why I leave the door open all the time Mom! ;> I was
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always interested in computers, even before I received my "speedy"
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386sx/20 for X-MaS. Back then I was just happy to fuck around in
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windows, just opening and closing them, moving things. Hell, I
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didn't even have to run a prog to have fun. But time led me on a
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path away from Mr. Gate$. I got the # for this small PD bbs from
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a friend at school and I was on my way running at a whopping 2400
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baud!
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Slowly, but surely, I made my way up the BBS ladder, and I was
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soon the /<-RaD WaReZ d0od3 wanna be. I remember how pissed I was
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when a friend got chosen to be a courier over me, those were the
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DaZ ;> Seeing as I only had an 84 meg HD, the WaReZ /<0oLN3ss
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didn't last long and I was calling message boards where I found my
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love. Messages and info, which is what I still look for from a
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BBS. I'm a posting manic ;> Soon I found my way into the H/P
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scene from the main stream "wannabe's" to the underground doers.
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Which is where I still spend most of my online time, on the nice
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homely H/P boards.
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Well, one day, I met a friend with 3 fucking tapes full of
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shit, and he had like 30 virii, which I thought was _alot_! I
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grabbed them from him and started testing them on floppies after
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disabling my HD in the BIOS. I soon got my grubby hands on a copy
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of Immortal Riot #4 and called _every_ US BBS listed and got on the
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2 that were still up, WCiVR and Illogikal Nonsense. This is where
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I acquired my love for virii that I have today. I continued with
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both Virii and Phreaking and became quite knowledgeable in both
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areas and began being asked to join groups, which I accepted.
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I never released a _lot_ of shit through of my past or current
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groups, I believe in quality not quantity.
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Back in my days of being a RaD PD dude, I was in love with the
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idea of being on the other side of the keyboard so to speak on
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BBS'es and run one of my own. As soon as I got my own fon line I
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threw up my BBS, Symphony oF Sickness, which it's still called to
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this day. The board has been through _many_ changes, I started out
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as a Sound/Programming BBS and then slid into HPA, and then virii.
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My mind doesn't like to stay in the same place for very long and my
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board follows my wandering mind,
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Welp, I know this A-Bio is rather dry, but alas, I was never
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one to talk about myself, I'm a very modest person, so with that,
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this is the short and quick compu-life of the Arab ;> January 30.
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Logik ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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The Legend:
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[Lance Boyl......LB]
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[Mother Logik....ML]
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[Jessica..........J]
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[Devon............D]
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"Today we have uncovered the answer to one of the most
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sought after questions in the universe. Who is Logik?"
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Doo doo doo doooo do,
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doo doo doo doooo do,
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doo doo doo doooo do do di do dop
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JOIN US!!
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LB: Welcome to National Geographic's "Who is Logik". I am your host Lance
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Boyl. For years people have admired the work of the great writer and
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philosopher Logik. All over the world professors and other theologians
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have studied his work and have loved it. However, there has always been
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a great mystery about him. That mystery is, who is he? Not once has he
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ever given a television interview or even had his picture published. Is
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Logik his real name? I feel that we all doubt that seriously. Well,
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today I have come to ease the world's mind. I, yes I, have discovered
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vital information about the hidden genius. With us today we have several
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people who are close to him, and after some subtle persuasion, they have
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agreed to tell us their story. First, we have his mother.
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LB: Mother Logik, tell us about your son.
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ML: Well, it all started one day. I had just gotten back from grocery
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shopping and I walked into the house to find his father naked as the day
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he was born. Obviously I was very pleased (we hadn't had sex in...)
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LB: Please, spare us the details Mother Logik.
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ML: Oh, I suppose you're right.
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LB: Yes....
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ML: Anyhow, after some of what I like to call "Stuffing the Chicken" we
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realized that his father wasn't wearing a condom. So, nine months later
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little Logik was born.
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LB: So, Logik was a mistake?
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ML: Well, I don't like to say that. Let's just say he was..... uhm....
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unexpected.
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LB: Okay, I guess we can say that. Anyhow, what did you think of your son?
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ML: He was always a quiet boy. He kept to himself a lot. He never seemed to
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want to talk to other people. I remember one time he walked around the
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house for about three days chanting, "I am the cheese, I am the cheese",
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like I said, he was a strange boy.
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LB: Yeah, he sounds like it.
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ML: Don't get me wrong, I loved him. Its just that every once in a while he'd
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scare me.
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LB: Why is that?
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ML: Have you ever seen a picture of him?
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LB: No, no one has.
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ML: Well, then you can't understand.
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LB: Why? What is so hideous about him that he scared you? Did he have a third
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eye that he got from some nuclear accident? Was he missing part of his
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face? Tell us, the world wants to know!!
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ML: He, well, uhm, he...
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LB: SAY IT DAMN IT!!
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ML: He was a punk rocker!!
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LB: Oh my god, I'm so sorry Mother.
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ML: Yes I know, and he had this weird love for polyester and Cheese Whiz.
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LB: So, did you try to whip him into shape?
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ML: I tried for a while, but he was just too wild
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LB: When did he leave home?
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ML: Well, I'm not sure he did. See, one day he came home from school and told
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me he was going to become a hermit. Then he went up to his room and that
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was the last I saw of him.
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LB: Is that when he began his adventures into Cyberspace?
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ML: I supposed. I never really asked him. I saw on the news how you can get
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those pornographic images over computers. I think that's why he was
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always in his room. But, I never wanted to say anything. What he does
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with his hands is his own business.
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LB: I'm sure all men are willing to agree with that.
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ML: In any case I never saw him after that. Though, every once in a while I
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would get a Email message from him at work.
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LB: Did they have any vital information?
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ML: No, they just told me off how he was having an affair with Stuart.
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LB: You mean he was gay?
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ML: No, Stuart is our dog
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LB: Oh...
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ML: Is there anything else you would like to know?
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LB: Do you know where he is now?
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ML: Well, Like I said, I think he is in his room. But you never know.
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LB: Okay, thank you.
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ML: You're welcome.
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LB: Now let's move on to his girlfriend, Jessica.
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J: Hello Lance. How are you?
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LB: I'm just fine <grin>. Now, how long have you been seeing Logik?
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J: About three months.
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LB: Really? So, what do you think about him.
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J: I think he's strange.
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LB: Anything else?
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J: Not really.
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LB: Okay, now lets' move on to a close friend of his Devon
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LB: Hello Devon
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D: Hello Lance.
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LB: So, tell us about Logik.
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D: Well, much like Jessica I think he is very strange.
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LB: Hmm.... interesting. Why do you think that?
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D: He just is. Anyone that thinks "Saturday Night Fever" is a movie classic
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can't be normal.
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LB: True.... so why do you think the world loves his work so much?
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D: I guess because it is true to itself. At times it is totally wacky, and
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at other times totally serious. Besides, if you ever see him in person
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he has a really nice butt.
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LB: Thank you for telling us that. I know we were all wondering.
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D: No problem.
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LB: Is there anything else?
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D: Uhmm...... nope. Well, gotta go anyway. I'm going to help Jessica kill
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her sister.
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LB: Why is that?
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D: If you ever meet Logik, ask him.
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LB: Well, nice meeting you <g>.
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LB: Where does this leave us? Better yet, where is the infamous Logik? The
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world may never know. The only clues to his existence is in his writing
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and the accounts of the people we have just talked to.
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(Pause....)
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LB: So, formulate your theories. Create your misconceptions, or truths. For
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the world may never know who Logik really is. Then again, the world may
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never know if I have a penis. Still, this is just one more of the great
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mysteries of "Nation Geographic"
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Doo doo doo dooooo doo, doo doo doo dooooo doo, do di dope.
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JOIN US!!!
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***************************************************************
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Guess if you can, do you know who I am?? hehehehehehehehe...... -Logik
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>>=- Quick shout-outs to the homie-Gz! -=<<
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Mogel: Love your writing. No, I love you man!!!
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Jessica: My one and only love (awwww... how sweet)
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Devon: Stop reading this and go get Paul!!!
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HOE: Never get normal.... go for the weird and the weirder.
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Image: Uhm... nothing really. Just want the publicity
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ReD: Love the work so far. I'm still working on my piece for ya.
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For anyone that thinks I'm strange: uhm... yep yep... that's right George
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****************************************************************
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That's it..... live long in prosper. And remember, there are only two kinds
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of men in this world. Men that jerk off, and men that lie about it.
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=[ The Chickenlord ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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The Chickenlord hails from NW Indiana, one of the biggest
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marketing areas for fast food chains nationwide. He is
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currently a junior in high school. Despite his high
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intelligence (I'm bragging), Chickenlord has no intention
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of using his brain for anything useful in the future.
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He lives for the moment, however much them moments may suck.
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The biggest of his future plans are attending Purdue Calumetn
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University, then possibly on to the Air Force to get a free
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pilot's licence.
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Black Francis ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Francis is suffering from major writers bloc brought on by the ever-so-
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high expectations of Mogel and his own k-rad writing group, ReD. So he
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asked me to help him out. Being the nice guy I am, I couldn't resist.
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To know this loveable little asshole is an honor, not to mention, he has
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his own car so I get rides all over the place and everything. Anyway, he's
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pretty much your average 17 year-old with cranberry hair, piercings, and
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tattoos. But even though he looks like he's tough, he's not. When he was
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a kid, he was scared by those things on Sesame Street that go "Yep yep yep"
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over and over again and have those big huge bottom lips. His pride and joy
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is a shirt that has a black dude with an afro on it that says "Soul Brother"
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in funky 70's bubble letters. It looks really cool under a black light. He
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is also the proud owner of many "disco inferno" t-shirts. While pounding away
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on the keys, and trying to keep his sanity while running his BBS, Sub-Culture,
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he listens to the likes of his favorite bands Pavement, Pixies, Frank Black,
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Velocity Girl, Catherine, Jane's Addiction, Primus, Tilt, Ween, and They Might
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Be Giants, which he saw in concert with the best looking girl in the school.
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His proudest achievement was when he won the Asshole of the Year award on
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some lame local board where the SysOp is a necrophiliac, but that's another
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story. Black Francis currently resides in Horsham, Pennsylvania and owes me
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twenty bucks.
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ /<0rrUpT ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Well m0g3L told me to write this, so I suppose since I want
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to stay affiliated with HOE I feel somewhat obligated. Shucks.
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I am originally from the LA area in California, but am now
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living in a shitty town called OakHurst. It snows here and
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the fucking deer eat your marijuana plants.
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I am 35 years old, a virgin, and still live at home with my
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mommy. I go to church every other day, worship god-all-mighty,
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and have a band-aid holding my real thick glasses together.
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My height is 5'5, and I weigh around 530 lbs. I never take
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a shower or wash my hair and I eat spam all day. My only
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girlfriend I ever had died. I got kind of excited and while
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using her blow-up tube I accidentally bit and popped her.
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My average day consists of sitting in front of the computer
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letting the color drain from my face. I enjoy sitting around
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and watching the paint peel off the walls. I like fucking
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small barnyard animals and kidnapping and molesting little
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boys. My hobbies include going to the zoo, flashing my neihbors,
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and praising Jesus.
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Ok back to reality. . . Im 16 years old, dont molest little
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boys and dont go to church everyday ( I do like to fuck barn-
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animals tho ). Ive written about 200 PHiLeZ PHoR H03 BuT m0G3l
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SaiD THeY WeRN'T ]<RaD ENouGH PHoR H03, aND aCkTuaLLy uSed aBouT
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TW0. Im around 6'0....145 lbs...DONT wear glasses with tape,
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and never , well, just once, used an inflatable girl.
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Well, I dont want to talk about my computer because that is
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all boring shit and im sure you all can live without the
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knowlege of how much ram I have or how big my drives are. . .
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Here is the part of get to know me and the personal shit I know
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that you all are so eagerly anticipating with sweating, lusting
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anxiety.
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Turn Ons : Pamela Anderson
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Turns Offs : Fat Chicks
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The MuSiC : Revolting Cocks,Chemlab,KMFDM,Sex Pistols,Black FLAGG
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TWo BaNDS THaT SuCK : Pearl Jam and aCe oF BaSe
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Shit I cant Stand : Rap Music, Wiggers, Church-Nuts, WaReZ D00dz,
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Ansi-Art Fags, Fat Chicks, Fags ( Lesbians are cool tho )
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Hicks, Rush Limbaugh, and just about everything else
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Interesting think you probably dont care : I have no appendix
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Person I admire : Howard Stern
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Person Id most like to meet : The Anti-Christ, or Satan
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Sickest Thing ever done : Used a pen to perform anal sex on a girl
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c00l D00dz : Neon Samurai, Sedative, Mogel, Jabberwocky, Trackistar,
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Bleeding Cheese, David Letterman, Satan, Kelly ( The reason I live )
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If you ever met me you would think that I am one of the most
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normal people you have ever known.
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Zorro ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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My Life
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-------
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Hi. My name is zorro, and I used to have a life.
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I was born overseas, so I dont think I can be
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president. That sucks. I have been around the
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world, but I was too young to remember more than
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the cool food I had there. When I came here,
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life went downhill. By last year I had no money.
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I was madly in love with 10 girls in my school,
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and on my last day, I asked them out. What
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really sucks is that they all said no. I did
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meet a cool girl, but she started putting me
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down, and being mean to her friends, and I
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hated that. I moved away to a place where there
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were no cool computer people, and everyone
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smokes pot. Even the teachers. I kinda
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didnt like that at first, but after a while I
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found that they dont know when homework is
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due or anything. I like girls a lot. Next
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week I am dropping out of high school to take
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classes at the local college.
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I think that Aggressive women are cool,
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unless they used to be or are guys. That's
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not my type. I like things that are strange.
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A while back my best friends sister helped me
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paint my nails black. I though that was cool.
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I think that life is slightly over-rated, and
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that people should let others do their own
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thing. I wish the world was such that you
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could be honest with everyone. Nine Inch Nails
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hits the spot with me. If I listen to that
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I am energized. Let me leave you with
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a feeling of what last summer was like:
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Your body lays limp against a hammock, every
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movement of your arm is stressful. You dont
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want to sleep, because the air tastes good in
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your body, and you want to enjoy it. You
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dont need to adjust your eyes... the sun isnt
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too bright, and its not facing you. There is a
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cold lemonade, just out of the way of the
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swinging hammock, but close enough to be easily
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lifted up. Nothing is digging into you, the
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hammock is supportive, not restraining. The sky
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is blue, and your brain is collecting as much
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as it can. You are safe.
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and... a phrase from the new song I am putting
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out:
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'Dont class me with those other freaks,
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Dont try to get too close,
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My body will surround you,
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You'll get a fatal dose'
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[The End]
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Abigwar ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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So, you want to know who i am do you? Ha, Thats what i thought. So why do
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you want to know so bad?? Are you [GASP!] narc? No, You don't look like the
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narc type. Maybe, Yes, Definitely, You positively do resemble a fed. Maybe
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its those beady little pinpoint eyes of yours that make you look like your
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on smack. Maybe its that hair, That, how to put it... Hair. Well, No, i
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guess your right, we aren't here to talk about you, we are here about me.
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Yes, that is why we are here alright. This is a Bio. Hmm, Yes, true.. So
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true. I have to agree with you, I don't look like a narc or a fed. Maybe
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its that hair. Or lack there of I should say.
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Razors in the night you say? No. Not me. I am more of a Fosters (tm) man
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my self. Austrailian? No, its not, thats just a stunt to sell more, its
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really English. Prove it? I can't prove it.. It just is. Well, we are here
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about me aren't we. Yes, We are. YES WE ARE DAMN IT! NO! Mogel told me it
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was to be about me! And thats why i am writing it. NO I'M NOT A LIAR.
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I'M NOT TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!! YOU DID IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yes you
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did. YOU called ME a fed. No I didn't. Fuck you. Fine, Fine Be that way
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see if i care. Hey! Come back here! Turn that monitor on! AHHH! Come back!
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No I'm not a warez dude. No I'm not! Don't tell me you read my files. You
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lie. If you read my files you would know i'm too /<-/~aD to be a warez
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d00d. I AM ELITE DAMN IT! Stop arguing with me. Look... I am sick of you.
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SICK OF YOU! You heard me. YES YOU DID! DON'T DENy IT!
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Thats it, I'll just ignore your senseless blabber, and finish my mission.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Alias: Abigwar
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Alias Nicknames: A big wart, A bug war, A Big K-rad War, Shadow Plague
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Real Name: Habeeb "Ronald" MacDonald
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Real Name Nicknames: Habeer, Habeem, Hapy Habeeb, Ron, Hab, Mac,
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Burger King (YOU IDIOT!)
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Age: 15
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Hair: Blue (Lacking & somewhat fuzzy)
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Eyes: Blond (Red)
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Height: 5'10" with out boots
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Weight: 169 (69, hehehe)
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School: Training to be a welder
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GirlFriend: Moved far, far away. Anyone know where Lakeside Pa. is??
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Pets: Newts, Fish, 2 Cats, 1,000,000,000 Wombats, 2,000,000,000,000 'shrooms
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1 MIA eel (Loach)
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Food: I'm a veterinarian. I only eat mongooses.
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One-worded-coolest-insult: Wanker
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Favorite Password: Yeah fucking right!
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Voice Number: # Eleventeen
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Modem Number: # Seventyteen
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Favorite Color: Dripping Bloody red on black (no racism intended)
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Best Boots: Steal Toed, Black, 10 hole, Getta-Grips!
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2nd Best, yet disgustingly trendy boots: 8 hole, Black, Doc Martins!
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Good Music: Ska, Punk, Oi!, *some* death metal, gothic.
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Kewl Bands:
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type band song
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Ska: Judge Dread Bring back the skins!
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Punk: Misfits Where eagles dare!
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Oi!: The Blitz Razors in the night!
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Death: Brutal Truth Lord of this world!
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Gothic: LaiBach McBeth (album)!
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Books: Spirit of '69, A Skinhead bible
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Joe Hawkins, King of the Skins
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Best thing to kill time doing: Plucking Nose Hairs with a pair of Forsipes
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Best alternative to forsipes: Tweezers
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Best alternative to tweezers: Pliers
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Best alternative to pliers: Vice Clamp
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Best alternative to a Vice Clamp: Trash Compactor
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Best alternative to a Trash Compactor: Garbage Truck
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Best alternative to a garbage truck: Plastique [C-4 you idiot]
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Favorite place: London, England
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Second Favorite place: An abandoned warehouse hidden in the middle of the
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pathetic town i live in.
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Third Favorite place: Valhalla, Asgard... where i shall play
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Worst, shittiest pathetic place: Ellis Island, USA
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Liar? Your calling me a liar? Name one thing I lied about! My real name?
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Well you don't think i would tell a fed like you my real name, DO YOU???
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Chal e. Mac ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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The First and Only Bio of Chal e. Mac
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Of course I'm writing my own bio, what'd ya think, Bruce Sterling was gonna
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get around to it some day?
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Anyway, Mogel ordered all us Hoe guys to do it. Which brings up an
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interesting point, namely, how come there aren't any Hoe girls? This is the
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'90s and all, seems like we should have a girl on staff. Anyway, if that
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seems important to you, drop Mogel a line and ask for an explanation. As for
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me I'm going to write my bio in the form of that bastion of American culture,
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the Playboy centerfold, as a protest :) Too bad it's not a Mosaic page or
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I'd include some lovely little .gifs of myself. Hey, that's not a bad idea! If
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we ever hit the big-o-la-time we'll have to get ourselves a home page and
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include little pics of all the Hoe guys, or at least the better looking
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ones :) Anyway, on with the bio:
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Name: Chal e. Mac (You didn't think I'd give you my REAL name did you?)
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Birthplace: Phila., Pa.
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Age: in my 20s
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Physical description: 5'10", 190 lbs. Brown hair, brown eyes, goatee, gold
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hoop in left earlobe
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Usual outfit: Levi 501s, t-shirt, sneakers, baseball hat
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Fav movies: Warriors, Heavy Metal, The Road Warrior, MP & The Holy Grail,
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Animal House, Stripes
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Fav music: Van Halen (before Sammy Hagar), Accept, Nirvana, Suicidal
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Tendencies, Soundgarden, Ozzy (w/Randy Rhodes), Pearl Jam, Metallica,
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George Thorogood, Zep
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Drink of choice: cold domestic beer and kamikaze shooters made w/citron
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Fav TV Shows (prime time): The X-Files, NYPD Blue, Encounters
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Fav TV Shows (non prime time): Bugs Bunny cartons (especially the ones with
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Marvin Martian), Wil E. Coyote cartoons (especially the ones were he talks),
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Next Step
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Drugs of choice: Good quality marijuana and alcohol
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Fav foods: Hot chicken wings, tacos, nachos & salsa, pepperoni cheese steaks,
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pizza, some spicy chinese and thai foods
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Last 3 books read: Practical Unix Security by Simson Garfinkle & Gene
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Spafford; Mirrorshades, The Cyberpunk Anthology edited by Bruce Sterling;
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Information Warfare by Winn Schwartau
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Magazines subscriptions: Wired, PC Magazine, Playboy
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Turn ons: Smart women, red hair
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Turn offs: bitches, lots of jewelry
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Pet peeves: high ascii .sigs, people who collect three letter acronyms after
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their names, bad hackers, and ego trips
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Fav quotes: "Hacking a Freenet is like kicking a puppy" - Anonymous
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"Any significantly advanced technology is indistinguishable from
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magic" - Arthur C. Clarke
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"Information should be free" - Anonymous (basic hacker tenet)
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"Secrecy corrupts truth" - Robert Steele
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Corrosion ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Zipper Catches Skin:
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The Life and Times of the Mighty Corrosion
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written by the master scribe, cRAnK
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Corrosion, has employed me, cRAnK to write his biography for Mogel's
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lame group, HoE. He didn't feel it was becoming of him to waste his time
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with such a frivolous act, so he bequeathed the aforementioned honor upon my
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very being. I am duly enlightened.
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As a youth, Corrosion would often get his "skin" caught in the
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figurative zipper. This would cause many days of pain and uncomfortable
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bruising, not to mention the unfortunate pissing of blood. Usually, however,
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he would remember to unzip his pants before pissing. This is good.
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In Corrosion's formative days, he was misguided and drawn towards
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devil rock. Favorite bands are the obscure, those no one else had heard of,
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let alone cared about. An early favorite was Twisted Sister. Oh yeah, baby.
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Nowadays, Corrosion wallows in 80's thrash and still thinks it's cool. His
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music collection consists of more than 400 tapes and CDs, most of which are
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Englebert Humperdink's Polka Favorites. To this day, he assumes no one knows
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about his secret obsession with clog dancing. Such the fool.
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As for Corrosion's wardrobe, almost 100% of his upper-body adornment
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consists of "cool" thrash t-shirts. His lower-body attire is made up
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exclusively of 16 year old brunettes willing to jump at his every whim. The
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girls, however, *MUST* be wearing short skirts and twenty-hole Docs.
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Speaking of girls, Corrosion's sex life comes into play. Foreplay,
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if you will (wouldja?). On the average, when it's not sex with cRAnK, his
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preferred choice of partners are inflatable sheep dolls (model #16-341A...
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check 'em out!) and posters of Cindy Crawford, his obsession. Reclining back
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in his roomy double bed with things "well in hand" is one of his favorite
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free-time activities. Of course, when there is a young lady present, it
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makes the experience all the more invigorating.
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A typical Corrosion day begins at daybreak. It's straight to the
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showers for our sweaty hero. After the first cold splash destroys what's
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left of his morning wood, he heads to the closet to pick clothes suitable
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for work. It is particularly difficult to weed through the thrash shirts
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when you're trying desperately just to stay on your feet. Quoth Corrosion,
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"Ughhh....mornings suck." Once the proper attire has been recognized and
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tossed over his head, and the slippery under-age Brunette has been
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disentangled from his knees (she made it past the cold water blast in the
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shower stage), our jerk, er, hero, is ready to continue.
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Next, Corrosion moves back to his toiletries to continue scrubbing
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up. The pearly white teeth are given their twice-daily brushing and biweekly
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flossing, and are ready to join in and create Corrosion's winning smile.
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After that comes the sacred brushing of the hair. His hair is long, reaches
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down his back, it is a beautiful shade of hazelnut brown and as soft as
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rabbit's fur. One hundred strokes, no less, and he departs the bathroom with
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a flip of his hair away from his sacred face.
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The last step in the ritual is breakfast. Only after a nourishing
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meal can he even think to begin his day. This meal often consists of such
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delicacies as Pepsi and tuna, or chocolate bars and steak. Always concerned
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for his health, Corrosion is a model of good nutrition and a balance of
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vitamins in his system at all times.
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Finally, he is ready to leave for work. He grabs his keys and hops
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into his *BLUE!!!* car. Driving to work doesn't take too long, and he sighs
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happily when he arrives, because today will be a good day. Every day at this
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office is a good day.
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Plugging in his stereo and popping in one of his favorite tapes,
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Corrosion is geared and ready for work. At 8:40, he receives his first call.
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It is cRAnK. They chat for a minute or two but then Corrosion actually has
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something to do. She resigns to calling his 800 number back a little while
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later.
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From 9:30 until 11:30 they talk about nothing in particular, and
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then, with a sigh, cRAnK realizes she has been coerced into writing his
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biography for HoE for him. Of course, as mentioned previously, I have been
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"employed" to write it, and I will be paid later tonight. How I will be
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paid, however, is between the two of us.
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Zipper Catches Skin
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The Life and Times of the Mighty Corrosion
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written by cRAnK and only cRAnK
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with love to her followers.
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|
The author wishes to thank Corrosion,
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"just for being there".
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[ Mogel ]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Well, now it's time for the Biography you were REALLY looking
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|
forward to. Who really cares about those *OTHER* writers?? It's all m0g
|
|
that matter now, baby! Well, I guess I'll defy the obvious trend of these
|
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biographies and ACTUALLY tell you about me for somewhat real. Wh0a!
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Born as a goddam yuppie-spawned nitwit I had a hard, hard mentally
|
|
and emotionally disturbed life. You see, I had this weird quirk of mine in
|
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school...it was called "doing what I wanted to do and ignoring teachers",
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well, needless to say this got me into lots of trouble. oOOdles of scarring.
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Anyway, to make a short story even shorter, I went to a small public
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school and had a lot of fun. Oh, along the way up I ran into a guy named
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Charlie that introduced me into BBSing.
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At first I was only into the Door Games and the pirated files. It
|
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was obsessively pathetic, but at the time it did make me happy. As much as
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this past shames me, it do take pride in never using the word "warez" as
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|
others used. There was also a pEEdEE board I was a permanent on that I also
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|
called, which got me into liking the message bases and posting. The stuff
|
|
that SHOULD be crucial to a board. At any rate, I decided to put up a board.
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The name thing bothered me a lot, as I really didn't want to grace the title
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|
of the board with some dippy name...so I decided to do something safe and
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name it after me. Why not? King Blotto did it!@!! Anyway, there was
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eLyTeNeZZ on my board for a while, but fortuitously the light came upon me
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|
and I made the board all text file. I picked up every good zine I found.
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Then the day came where (after a LARGE and spicy beef burrito) I
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realized my calling in life. "Mogel..." said the voices "...you can leave
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the patheticness of your area code and travel into another level. Write
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|
text files!!" and so HOE was born. I realized that the only way I could
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|
make my voice heard was to control everyone completely. You see, if the
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world is going to the shitters...then I want to HOG [see a key word or
|
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phrase coming in here? Relavant? NAH!) up as much and take advantage of
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as much as possible. And *STILL* be a nice guy. It can be done and I will
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|
prove it. I got vision, I got soul.. I got style out of control! My most
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recent joys are getting to write for Cult of the Dead Cow [The Zine
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Grand Mastah'z] and bringing HOE recently back to a more definitive slant.
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|
Oh, and just for the record: I'm not a Skinhead just because "I let two of
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them in" (Abigwar and Defiant). guh.
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Oh.. here's some data for the pHaN KLuB:
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Real First Name: Mike
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Handle Origin: Welp, actually, as much as it surprises some people my
|
|
handle means not very much. It's not for 'power moguls'
|
|
and I don't like to Ski. It's a name my sister called me
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when she couldn't talk so well. Goofy and kept.
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Age: I'm 18. My life is in chaos. Yippie!
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Religion: A sort of mix between Buddhism and Atheism. My immediate
|
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family is all Buddhist.
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Nationality: I know this sort of stuff doesn't really matter, but this
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|
is part of me so I'm tellin' ya anyhow. I'm a white guy.
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|
Amazing, huh? I have heritage from many countries all over
|
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Europe. I'm basically everything from the Continent.
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Top Women I adore: Winona Ryder, Nykia, Tori Amos, Lisa
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Aspirations: Planning to be a film director at some far future time.
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|
I want to go to h0h0 Con '95 and talk to Swamp Rat, Drunkfux,
|
|
and Gibe. These guys are amazing.
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Words to the Wise:
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"Live Free. Live Fun. Run out right now and go do something COOL.
|
|
Don't sit around your modem forever. GET ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE!"
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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| _____ Call Goat Blowers Anonymous for the LATEST HOE! _____ |
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| 6/ ^..^ (215) 750 - 0392 ^..^ \9 |
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| \_____(oo) This Issues Featured Support Board is: (oo)_____/ |
|
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| WW WW The Hacker Crackdown [CAFBL/IMAGE WHQ] WW WW |
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| (215) 945 - 1907 |
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| ...the kings of modern goofiness... |
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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Copyright (c) 1994 HoE Publications. #50 --> 02/04/95
|
|
All rights aren't so important this issue.
|